Blending 2 Families with Different Upbringings

Run, C.! Run like the wind!!

(You can call him and hook up in another 13 years, it'll go fast!)

:)

This is why the divorce rate for second marriages is so high!!! Wait til' your kids are grown and out of the house!! Probably not what you want to hear, but that is the best advice that I have for you.....sorry......

That doesn't sound good! I'm also not the best person to respond to this. When my mom got remarried after my dad left, it went horrible and I have seen other families go through similar things and the kids really being damaged/hurt by it all. Getting remarried seems to very often make things much worse because the kids are already dealing with the loss of their parent's marriage and then they become the second priority and the new spouse becomes priority, causing lots of unneeded stress and hurt for the kids. I know there are times it's probably not true and things go well (especially if there are no kids involved! but if there are...).

I've vowed to never get remarried if I have children and my spouse dies or we get divorced. My children will be my priority and once they are grown and raised, then I will consider getting remarried. I feel very strongly about this because of what I and my sisters went through as kids...and what I've seen other people go through. I refuse to ever put my children through something similar. So, there's my tainted view on it...hehe.

I think you need to look at your situation and do what is right for you, though. For me, this is right for me. But it could be different for you, most definitely:-)

I don't think these children should be forced into a family because you to are b/f and g/f I think you but need to raise your children then be a couple if that is what you want, blended family's are usually tough and the kids suffer because of it. I would not say you are doomed, but your kids need to come before him and his kids need to come before you. J.

Before you do this you need to have a SERIOUS sit down about how to handle situations -- it will bring the kids closer if they are all "handled" the same way. This does mean compromise for both of you and if you are not willing to agree on these things then you should either enjoy eachother and keep the kids and blending etc out of it or walk away. The kids need to be given the new rulebook right off the bat and understand them and why the changes ... change is always rough on anyone. Good luck, this will take adult behaivor I hope all involved are ready for it.

Wow, very tough! A lot of pain, anger, spite etc. builds-up fast - you will both naturally protect and side with your own children, which is already huge. Then to put in step-kids that don't get along well - oh my, you never want to pit children against each other. I am not a pessimist, but I say don't do it. I did it with only one child, and let me tell you .... I am (and so is my daughter) still recovering from the constant battles in the house. I honestly don't even think counseling can help at this piont - there are way too many people involved and to top that off --- 2 of the kids are 12 - the age where the true independence and mouthing-back starts. eeewww

If you want it to work you and him have to be on the same page with parenting. If not, then you'll continue to have the chaos that you have now.

It will not get better, nor ever be perfect.
Know that.
It will probably always be... a struggle and conflicted.
And also because, you and your Boyfriend, have 2 different views, of how to raise kids.
That will not change. Unless BOTH you and he, want to change.
Which is probably, not real realistic to expect.

Or, you ALL go to family counseling and Therapy.
But that is no guarantee either.
And you cannot expect, ALL of the kids... to get along nor like each other nor to be one big Brady Bunch all the time.

Your kids, are your 1st priority.
And raising them as you see fit, for THEIR emotional and mental, well-being. And happiness.

I think you should not move in together until the kids stop having issues and you both sit down and work out a parenting plan.. And I would consider couples counseling. My fiance lives with me and my kids and i love him to death, he & I are on the same page about most everything execpt he gets upset when I let my kids talk back to me an "walk all over me" - & he's right sometimes I do. But I have to tell you sometimes when He tells my daughter not to talk to me like that I have conflicting feelings- 1- I am toally happy he is on my side and really cares how she treats me and cares enough about her that he worries about her etc.
BUT a little other part of me feels bad for her??
That is our only issue..and I find it can be really hard/ stressful
So I could imagine how stressful itCould be if we weren't on same page of if his kids and mine didn't get along!

Good luck..

Married couples who have kids together have issues with this, I'm not sure I could do it otherwise. You and he need to get on the same page and get the kids to get together or I think it is a train wreck. The kids are young enough to be put in their places, but you and he need to figure out what works for you guys and go with it - or you won't last. I hope it works out!

I have never been in your situation, so I don't think I could say exactly what I would do. But, your other post says that your BF calls his kids stupid and tells them to shut up. I would not want my daughter around a person who talks like that. Good luck making a decision.

Man oh man. Unless you get into family counsleing now and get on the same page this will be a train wreck. Your first loyalty in this situation is to your kids (normally it's to your spouse - but not when kids are from a prior marriage). Yours and his kids did not ask for this situation. He is always going to be loyal to his kids and you are always going to be loyal to yours - that's how it's supposed to be. BUt unless you're both seeing things similarly and you get the kids involved there is bound to be big issues. I see it in my sister & BIL's blended family and their kids were older - and my sister is a trained psych nurse.

But I think if you are both determined to make it work and are willing to get into counseling and DO what is suggested by the counselor there's a decent chance it could work - but it will be tough. heck - it's tough with two parents of the same children who really love eachother and the kids!

Good luck mama!