Boy Classmate Tells Dd She's Ugly and Nobody Likes Her

Make the teacher aware of it and ask her to address it with the kid. As a child I was tormented by boys who called me fat and I never said a word to anyone because I was so embarrassed. I was a public school teacher for 15 years. When I found out one of my fifth grade students was calling one of my girls fat I put a stop to it. The mother later thanked me and said I had made a big difference in her daughter's life.

That's horrible!! I would definitely inform the teacher - can you do it by email - and hopefully the teacher will do something about it.

"Top kid" award? for what? Sounds like top bully to me!!

Good luck!!

I have found tht when boys make fun of girls, it's not because they "like" them. They find the girl's responses amusing so the best thing to do is no say anything at all to the boy so that he gets bored with her and moves on. If that doesn't work, yes, tell the teacher as this is not ok.

Your daughter needs to know how to defend herself against verbal attacks like this. You need to talk with your daughter and role play with her and ways to respond to people when they say rude things.

THEN you need to talk to the teacher. There is no way this boy should be "top kid". She is NOT being a tattle-tale. She is setting the record straight.

I'd give her a few one liners to shoot back at him. Such as, "Plastic surgery can fix ugly, but unfortunately for you nothing fixes stupid!" or "You go out of your way to talk to me so often you must totally be interested in me but sorry, you're not my type." or "I've heard that one before, don't you have any new material rattling around in that cavern you call a brain?" or "Well it must be true, seeing as how you know all about being ugly."

Zing him back, then totally ignore any further responses.

Yes, please tell on Mr. Smartypants Mouth. He thinks the sun rises and sets with his Top Kid self and he needs to get a dose of reality.

I'd talk to both the teacher and the assistant principal (if the assistant principal is the one who is the "disciplinarian".) I'd also talk to the guidance counselor about your daughter feeling that she can't take up for herself because of this boy's "status".

The teacher needs to move this boy to the back of the room - NOT your daughter. If she moves your daughter, the boy doesn't really have repercussions in HIS mind. If HE is the one who is moved, it isn't just lip-service from the teacher telling him that he has no business talking to another student like that.

Don't leave any stone unturned dealing with this. Hit hard, and hit fast. If you don't, they'll let Mr. Top Kid off the hook and he'll keep doing this to your daughter.

Good luck,
Dawn

I do think you need to talk to the teacher about this, also. I do like the idea of her talking back to him, and standing up for herself, but SHE may end up getting in trouble from the teacher if the teacher isn't noticing that the boy is being so mean.

Tell the teacher what is going on, and that the daughter is afraid to speak up for herself, and that you are going to tell her HOW to stand up for herself. That way, the teacher will also be on notice that this teasing is going on. Hopefully the teacher will make several seat changes so it isn't obvious that she is moving your daughter away from that brat!

Equip your DAUGHTER first, not the teacher.

Teach your child to fight back even agains the "top kid award" winner.

And teach her now, or she will end up with damaged self-esteem.

Role-play with her. Say what he says, and have her come up with responses: "Yeah? That's right, I like myself just fine, and I don't care what you say." Or, "OK, you've said that enough to me. STOP IT right now. You are bugging me and I do not have to take it." Teach her it is OK to raise her voice some, and to get in his face. She doesn't have to yell or touch him, but she might just throw him off if she stands up for herself with voice and words.

The British have a term: The "short sharp shock." If your good (and quiet?) daughter turns on him and very firmly gives him a strong comeback right in his face and then turns away and IGNORES his existence, he may be so shocked that she answered that he will stop at least temporarily.

I also would then tell the teacher and tell her that you are equipping your child with the skills to handle this little creep (oh, sorry, don't call him a creep to the teacher....) and you expect the teacher to back your child. Tell the teacher that your daughter is afraid to report this to her because your daughter thinks the "top kid" thing makes this boy invincible somehow. Be clear that "I'm sure that's not the case, right?" so the teacher is on notice that you are going to be coming back at her if you continue to hear that perfect boy is messing with your kid's head.

I'm on the side of helping your daughter come up with her own solution for this. This can be a lesson in how to stand up for herself. Yes, role-play with her if she will.

I do understand that bullying is an issue in school, that has not changed since the 60s when I was in elementary school. It also has not changed that nobody likes a "tattle-tale". I would only go to the teacher with this AFTER I allowed my daughter (I have a 10 year-old) to resolve this on her own and wasn't able to. But I bet she is able to deal with this kid.

Whoa--he may be the top student--so top that he is bright enough to fool the teacher and whisper his meanness to the daughter.

Please let the teacher know--document the day and time that you tell the teacher. The teacher should be given a few suggestions by you--seat seperation, etc.

Be ready in case the teacher gives you some information about your daughter's (mis)behavior too, however.

This is a form of bullying and most schools have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of behavior. I would make the teacher and principal aware of what is going on- the power of one is the anti-bullying phrase at my daughters school. It sounds as if your daughter is level headed so please don't teach her to retort with a comeback as it could also be construed as bullying. It would be better to just ignore the boy and inform the school what is happening.

TOP KID AWARD? The teacher must be deaf and blind.

You can be proud of your girl for not being a tattletale, however, I would quietly let the teacher know what's been going on, so she can keep a closer eye and ear on the boy.....he sounds like a little jerk!

So what did you tell your daughter?
Just take it?
Not say anything back?
How is it affecting her?
My daughter had some boys say mean things to her at that age. She was a pretty, kind and sweet girl, and they were mean, nasty boys (who most likely "liked" her.)
I told her to ignore them, they were idiots.
She had many friends, both boys and girls, so it was usually not a big deal.
Only once did it get to the point where I needed to intervene. One particular boy was targeting her, not just on the playground, but in the hallway, between classes, to the point where she didn't feel safe, and sometimes she cried after school.
It was near the end of third grade. I let the teacher know (my daughter did NOT want to be a tattletale.) I also called his parents (the first time I ever did this!) Luckily they were very kind and receptive, and the behavior stopped immediately.
Try to let your daughter handle this herself, it's GOOD for her, but if it continues then by all means talk to her teacher.

If the boy has been doing this since school started, he's been doing it for several weeks.

I suggest that you talk to the teacher privately. You can tell her both what your daughter says about the boy's behavior and why she didn't tell the teacher herself. Evidently she can't laugh his words off (which would probably discourage him - such kids look for the more timid souls), and evidently she's afraid of him.

If the teacher moves the two apart (as she moves several students), it will be interesting to see if the boy starts in on his new seating neighbor. If he doesn't and keeps bullying your daughter, further action will need to be taken.

Don't you wonder where the boy got that line? I do. Does he hear other people saying it? In school? Somewhere else?

I think your daughter needs an advocate to stand up for her right now, and *then* she needs to learn how to stand up for herself (and others).

Tell DD next time he starts to look at him, roll her eyes, and say, "Yeah, like your opinion matters." The turn back around.

If it escalates then, "Look, I don't know what your problem is but seriously, I'm sick of it. Either go away, or we can discuss this with the teacher."

If he still does it, then have her talk to the teacher. She warned him, so he can't really accuse her of being a tattle tale, can he?

I say it is bullying. I had a boy do that to me and I was terrified of him. It also made me feel bad about myself for years and years. I never really talked to my parents about it but would cry myself to sleep. Inside I believed it...that I was ugly. The boy that harassed me did the same to a few other kids. If the kid tried to stand up to him he would get even meaner...follow them home off the bus, beat them up, and make their lives miserable. He would enlist his friends to laugh at the kids being picked on, throw spit balls at them, etc. I am not sure what to advise you...but definitely do something about this.

I think that kids should be taught how to try & resolve things like this on their own. I would give her some sarcastic response to the taunts, that would give the err of her not being affecting by or caring about his comments. Either that, or she can choose to act like he doesn't exist.

Now, if the issues persist and/or get worst, then I think that maybe some intervention is necessary, however, many times that can make the bullying worse & bully more "undercover" & bold about it. That's why I think kids need to know how to stand up for & defend themselves. Telling on the bully & doing the "right" thing sometimes doesn't work. Standing up to them usually throws them off & stops the problems. That's how it worked back in the day and I don't think much has changed in that regard, except parents seemingly refuse to let their kids handle much of anything anymore. This is why kids don't know how to deal with adversity anymore.

What does your daughter want to do? She's the one that has to deal with mean boy, and any after effects that reporting him might have.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that this boy is a meany. He might be but its just as plausible that he (like all other kids) just isn't all that socially adept and is looking for a way to engage your daughter. Either way the key here is to arm your daughter with the tools to deal with it. I think you've gotten some good suggestions. I would go with a polite sweeter approach first but if that doesn't work she can go for a nip it in the bud approach. At that point you'll also know the boy is up to no good too. She could start with something like "why are you being so silly? Of course people like me, so and so, and so and so are my best friends. I'm the most likeable person in the classroom..." Depending on his response she could nip it in the bud with something like "well, I have friends so I don't need you. Stop talking to me so I can learn. If you don't I will ask the teacher to move me and she will probably want to know why."

I probably would also give the teacher a heads up to what's going on but really empower your daughter to try to handle the situation herself.

This is what I bet happened. Rude boy's third grade teacher warned this years teacher about what a pain in the rear the kid is and how many complaints she heard from fellow classmates and parents. So far this year, she hasn't heard a peep because your daughter is trying to tough it out, so rude boy looks good in the teacher's opinion. Thus, the reward in an effort to encourage him to continue his "good" behavior.

I bet if your daughter would simply ask the teacher if she can be moved and then let the teacher know this has been going on for 8 weeks, she 1) won't look like a tattle tale and 2) the teacher will begin to look more carefully at what the sneaky rude boy is saying/doing behind her back.

IF the teacher doesn't act on your daughter's request, then you should intervene on her behalf. Give her the chance to handle it first, this is a great learning opportunity for standing up for herself and developing into a mature young lady.

Tell your daughter that some people have issues! He is projecting, I think. Substitute the word "I" and "I am" and "me" for the words you and you are.
Just a thought. When he says the only one who likes you is you, say, at least I am in good company! Then blow a raspberry! He is full of malarchy. If you stick a pin in his bravado I think he will stop. You need to tell the teacher and and yes, separate them. But also give your daughter the gift of seeing these people as ridiculous.

Teach your daughter how to handle this with a few one liners of her own. Kids will always mess with each other.

It's sad that he feels this way about himself. Because I'm pretty sure that people that do this, do it because it's how they feel about themselves. I don't know if she would be comfortable saying something like that to him - "it's so sad that you feel that way about yourself." I don't know if that's a good response, but maybe it would work out of shock value? And she should say something to the teacher because it's bullying, not tattling. Let her know you'll back her up if she needs you to. Perhaps approach it as concern, to find out what might be up with the kid. If she's attractive and has a lot of friends, he may feel threatened, which is not a healthy thing either and needs to be dealt with by an adult.

DD to boy: "Well bless your heart!" Said with sugar sweet smile and syrupy voice (mom, you can coach her on this). Works with grownup bullies, maybe time to try it on a younger one.

I think you should rehearse a good comeback line with her. If she says it with enough authority, it will shut him up.

LOVE Nicole P's responses. Perfect. Please have your daughter rehearse those wonderful zingers.

I agree with Jennifer S.

Your daughter can nip this in the bud really fast just by standing up for herself. There will be many times she needs to handle something herself and this should be an easy one.

Just once when she comes back with a comment vs sitting there and taking it, she will instantly gain more respect from the other children and the teacher. Say it loud and say it proud.....

She can also ask the teacher to move her and explain why. As a teacher, we often get requests from students and we respect why those request come in.. it is not always about little Susie just does not want to sit by little Debbie. We take that into consideration.

Start by working it out on your own, if that does not work step it up one level at a time.

Good luck

I suggest this boy likes her. Still, I would encourage your daughter to tell the teacher and if that doesn't stop it then I'd also talk with the teacher. He needs to be told that this is not acceptable, if this is an everyday sort of action.

I would first help my daughter to handle it on her own before talking with the teacher. My granddaughter has complained about boys telling her she's ugly and when I tried to talk to her about how to stop it she would laugh and not be interested. She said, she would just run away from them. While I was on playground duty, I'd notice that chasing was a fun activity.

We had previously had the conversation during which I'd suggested they did that because they liked her and this seemed to make the words OK. That was when she was in 3rd, 4th grade. Now that she's in the 7th grade she apparently makes a smart remark back, such as well, you're ugly too. I've noticed that the kids just laugh and joke around saying those words.

As long as your daughter knows she's pretty and that she has friends these words will not bother her as much. I'd focus with her on how the words aren't true and how she can be confident in herself even tho someone tells her she's ugly.

Yes, tell the teacher AND the Vice Principal or Principal (whichever one is in charge of the anti-bullying program). It's possible he "likes" her but that's not an excuse. There's a boy in my eldest daughter's grade that likes her a lot, and to show her how much he likes her he spent the entire year last year severely bullying her best friend. Her friend's mother and I had to make sure that this boy isn't in either of the girls' classes this year.

Anyway... there's no reason for your daughter to endure this. It's still happening because she hasn't spoken up before now but don't chastize her for it. Just get it taken care of for her. The teacher needs to move them apart immediately and the principal needs to address the issue with the boy. Now is when bullying issues being addressed can help curb the behaviors.

I hate stories like this. Kids can be so mean, my heart just breaks for your DD. I think it would be appropriate to tell the teacher, but just for the sake of communication. I would recommend keeping your focus on teaching your DD to stand up for herself because there is another kid just like this around every corner.

Perhaps come up with some standard replies of what she can say in reply, not just to this, but to any mean comment. I tend to go for the more sassy replies- not mean back, but enought to imply that she could be mean if provoked! Something like "why are you even talking to me, just get back to work" and then if he says anything else, say "are you still talking? wow". Or just going for a direct "please stop talking to me". Lots of options, from sweet to snarky. But my biggest suggestion is to role play them with her so she's comfortable saying them.

Good luck, put that little stinker back in his place.

I would have your daughter respond with something like, "Well, the only person I care that likes me IS me."

Sounds like he's projecting is feelings on her.

You might want to let the teacher know, just so she is aware. Filing a complaint could make matters worse, so start small and go bigger, if need be, but don't immediately jump there.

I would tell her teacher and principal ASAP. Most schools today have zero tolerance for bullying. It's your D's schools responsibility to ensure she can go to school and learn without being harassed. You don't want to snowball into a bigger deal by waiting for it to run its course. If this kid is well-liked other kids will be pressured to 'join in'.

I would let the teacher know first, right off the bat. Tell the teacher that you will be working with your daughter to handle this on her own, but that you wanted the teacher to know there was a problem.

Then, talk to your daughter about Jennifer's suggestion of back talk. This way, if things do escalate to needing to tell the teacher, the teacher is already aware that your daughter is having a problem, so tattling won't come up. Also, it would be awful for your daughter if she told the teacher and the teacher told her not to tattle - the teacher can't have your daughter's back unless she knows this has been an ongoing issue.

Good luck.

Hi, Sally:

Had you thought about telling the teacher this information and
that you would like the teacher and yourself to listen as your child tells the boy:

What she thought when she realized what had happened.
What impact this inciident hhas had on her and others.
What has been the hardest thing for her.
What she thinks needs to happen to make things right.

Teach her how to confront and hold people accountable for how they are
affecting her.
Good luck.

D.

You handled it well and I'm glad the teacher is listening. In 5th grade, the most popular (mean) girl in class decided I was her target. She told the other kids they weren't allowed to talk to me and came up with a cruel nickname. That year was absolute hell for me - in school and at home where I was being abused. My teacher knew about the school stuff and was sweet to me but never did anything to stop it or help me. Good for you for standing up for your child and you should be proud of your daughter for telling you too. Make sure you reiterate to her how proud you are that she felt she could come to you. If anything like this happens in the future, I hope she will trust you again. You may have stopped a future bully in his tracks!