I've always been something of a femme (hair, makeup every day) tomboy (heck, I joined the USMC), and I've always been the primary parent (dad has at most only ever been home 5-10 hours a week, and weeks and months have passed with far less to zero contact). So I'm the one playing army guys in the woods, kicking soccerballs/playing basketball/catch/etc., playing videogames, having snowball fights, wrestling, weapons... all the "guy" stuff. I'm also the one who taught him how to pee standing up, had the sex talk(s)... seriously, ALL the 'guy' stuff.
We also (because it's mostly just been the 2 of us), do all the cooking, cleaning, snuggling, reading, decorating, tear wiping things that are more the "mom" role.
((Yes, the gender bias is in here for a reason.))
I'm 50/50 on farts. I have a line. I cross it, but there is a short list of things that gross me out and farts are one of them. Of course, kiddo loves to find something that grosses me out.
I wonder, though, as he gets older? Right now (he's 9, his friends are 9-12) his friends love it when I jump outside and get them with supersoakers (Ha!), show them the trick on leveling up in a game, get them scrabbling up over rocks, or drag everyone out into the snow and then pump them full of hotchocolate.
Where's the line between 'overbearing mother', and I'm all he's got? These are all things Dads can do pretty freely into highschool years. But it's the classic "Dude, you're going with/ playing with/ etc. your MOM?" that I'm kinda dreading.
Getting dad more involved isn't an option. He's abusive, and at least for the moment, completely out of the picture. He has other men in his life (uncles, grandfather, teachers, coaches, his friend's dads, etc.), but I'm more thinking about MY role in the upcoming years. They're regularly in his life, but i'm the one here day in and out.
You rock mama. Keep doing what you are doing. He will be a very strong kid and be able to stand up to his friends and say, dude, she taught me to rock climb, play basketball, etc.
He will be fine and might even wonder what happened if you back off on what you have been doing. Just keep lines of communication open so he knows he can always come to you and can openly ask you about sex issues, too.
All I can say is this: as a mother of girls (who will one day be women, likely heterosexual women who will end up in a partnership with a man), I wish MORE boys had an opportunity to be mothered by someone like you.
Coming from a self professed 'Mommas Boy', you are doing a great job and have nothing to worry about. My mom was 17 when she had me and we kinda grew up together. Dad was there, but this was the '70s and '80s and he was working, supporting the family. DON'T stop or change the way you are with him. You are making him a very secure, sensitive, strong man. And he will forever thank you for it.
There will come a time/place, if only for a brief moment when it isn't 'cool' for mom to be around. But trust me, he knows where you're at.
My Dad has always said I would make someone a good wife, LOL
R. ~ I think you sound amazing! I also think your son will guide you and you'll know when it's time to back off (IF that ever happens!). From the sounds of it you have a fabulous relationship ~ keep the communication open and he'll let you know what's acceptable and what isn't.
My own Mom got away with it with my step-brother all through Jr.High and High School and his buddies, my boyfriends ~ they all loved her!
I do the same type of stuff with my boys (and I am considered by many to be a girly girl ~ even though I hunt, fish, camp, ride 4 wheelers, etc) and their Dad/my husband is very much involved. But I don't want to miss out on a single thing b/c it's supposed to be "dads job" ;)
R., I think that instead of your son getting comments like "Dude, you're going with/ playing with.......your MOM?" that his friends will most likely be saying, "Dude, your mom is amazing!"
By reading your posts here on this site, I think I can safely say that your instincts are AWESOME. As your son grows and changes, you will grow and change accordingly.
By the way, if you wrote a manual for parenting, you would probably get rich off of it. I really don't think you need to worry about anything. I admire parents who ask, "What can I change" instead of assuming they have all stages of parenting in the bag. Good job, Mom!
You sound like an AWESOME mom. I'm sure you will be fine. I'm in a neighborhood filled with boys and one of these 13 year old boys referred to his mother as "mommy" the other day in the presence of my husband, myself and several other neighbors including kids and he was not saying it in a sarcastic voice or anything, just being natural...no one gave him any flak for it either...I thought it was so sweet. MOMS have a big role in their son's lives and just be yourself, and let your son be HIMself. Do what feels right as he grows up, follow your heart and you will be fine. Don't get hung up on gender roles and what "everybody else" seems to be doing or you feel you should/should not do because you're a mom and not a dad. I mean really, It's great that you're an introspective, thoughtful mom but don't doubt yourself....have confidence in YOU! Good luck!
You are every kids dream Mom. As he gets older, he will find a way to
break away but still be very close to you. Your role will change as he grows
up. Sounds like he has plenty of men in his life. Think you are doing a great
job. I have a feeling even as a teenager your house will be the one where
everyone hangs out.
You sound like an amazing mom. Until your son says something to you or gives you the impression he doesn't want you around or involved with his friends, I'd take every minute I could to be involved like you have been doing. One day he will want his space and his privacy -- but until that time comes, you're dong awesome. It doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man. You're a parent, and that's the most important thing.
R.:
I think you are waaayyy over thinking this. As time evolves and he ages - you will "feel" what he needs. you are sooo not an overbearing mom - you are a ROCKIN' MOM!!!
If you are considering a male role model - then ask one of your trusted friends from the Marines - once a Marine - Always a Marine. Or look into Boys and Girls Club of America...I know you said you have uncles, etc. this is just another option.
I think you are building a truly wonderful relationship with your son. Don't get caught up in things and over think it - you will rock it mom!!
I've got 2 R., 19 and 17, with no major male influence in their lives either, sigh.
The way I see it is better NO influence than BAD influence, right?
We do the best we can. Always been me with them, not their dad.
You can keep him close without suffocating him with Momness. You can just follow his lead, you know, you'll KNOW when he's had it with you and you can just take a tiny step back, but only a TINY step.
The Kids Are All Right, R., in the end. It is what it is.
:(
First of all, let me hand it to you. What an awesome mom you sound like. Never fear, he is the envy of all of his friends!
I think you are only overbearing if you are doing more that what is wanted. Sure some things we do whether they want us to or not, but there may come a time when he starts to want a little space. If you don't give it to him, THEN it becomes overbearing. Doesn't sound like he wants it right now and the truth is, he may never want it. It's just about being sensitive to him and letting him pull away a bit.
I think your role (and your doing a fabulous job) is to be who he needs you to be when he needs you to be it. It may be traditionally a man's job, but it's still a parents job and I admire you for being able to do both so effectively - you're a better woman than me!
You are an amazing mom!!!!!!! I wish I can do all that with my son. Maybe I will join my husband when he does all these "guy"stuff with our son. Your post motivated M. to do all of it that I thought only my husband would do. It made M. think , why can't I do it as well? :)
It such a great thing to be such a big part of your son's life. He is gonna love you and appreciate you for everything you do. Your son needs all this attention from you. You are the world to him since his dad is out of the picture.
If a day comes , when he feels he would rather not play with you because his friends make fun of him, you can back off just a bit. Don't feel sad about it. You son will soon realize what an amazing mother he has and that it;s nothing to feel ashamed of by playing with mom instead of dad no matter what his friends think. It may take him a few months or few years to realize this, but he will for sure and again love you and appreciate all that you have done for him.
You are a great mom :)
R., don't worry.
You are not the overbearing Mom but you are all he's got.
That... is... golden.
HE will remember that.
So what what other dude peers may say.
They will recognize... you, for being a Mom and everything. Because, you CAN do it.
You CAN do it.
You are simply being... a Renaissance Woman.
And it does not matter, how girly or Tom Boy a Mom is.
I am both. Too.
I don't worry about it.
Sure, I have a Husband and he's a good Dad.
But I can be both, too.
Most women can.
We CAN.
Ya know?
And, your son... knows you have his back.
Right?
That is golden.
He will stick up for you too.
When his dude friends, don't understand all the fine lines and finesse you have. HE will... know.
YOU are his haven and Mom and cohort.
Even when fussy and seemingly 'against' you... a child/son, KNOWS his Mom... is what he has. For all it is worth.
My 5 year old son... he looks out for me. When Hubby is cranky... my son steps in... all on his own. He intrinsically... KNOWS Mommy is "special" and always there for him.
Sons, know.
One day, when your son is older and you may think he doesn't "need" you anymore... he does. They notice. They know... Mommy.
Mommy... is golden.
So what... what his peers may say.
He will have a soliloquy all about you... which he will know... by heart... in his own heart... even when he is by himself... and thinks you are "busy" in the kitchen doing daily stuff. For him. For you.
A son, knows.
They have a bond with their Mommy.
Even if they may seem all tough and not needing you or cozying up to their buds.
Mom... is golden.
Know that.
You are okay. You are fine. You are the Mommy HE knows and needs and loves. NO matter what age.
A son, needs his Mom. No matter what age. You are all he's got.
Hugs from across the ocean.
The best part about what you are doing RIGHT now is that as he gets older you will still be HIS BEST FRIEND and mom. Getting and staying connected is one of the most important things we can do as moms. My boys talk to me about EVERYTHING. And they are 19 and 21. Ok not everything any more, but almost.
He will let you know when it's time to back off a little. More shy about his body. When hanging out with "the boys" and you happen to walk up and they stop talking, it's cuz they were talking about sex or girls. I did the sex talk more than once, because as they start getting more interested in girls, they have more questions. Also I wanted to make sure they knew the truth and not their friends giving them "jr high boys truth"!! LOL! There was some very intersting conversations. I also made sure that my house was comfortable and open to all their friends. I have more of their friends coming to talk to me cuz they could not talk to their own parents.
Keep doing what you are doing. You both learn and grow. The bond you have will not break. Good job MOMMA R.!!
Blessings
D.
R., you sound like a wonderful mom!
I am extremely close to my two boys, also. My husband is a fantastic father, but he works a lot, so I'm the one there doing all of the things you mentioned in your post.
My oldest son is 14, and what you're worried about happens very naturally. I am still just as close to him as I was when he was little, but I don't play with him as much when his friends are around. I still join in the conversations, and know his friends well, but I leave the playing to them. For example, I may play in an airsoft war with my boys, but if friends are there, I let them play without me.
My 14yo still curls up by me on the couch to watch movies, and he talks to me about everything (including asking questions about sex, which bugs my husband since he would rather our son go to him). We also still play a lot. We often jump on the trampoline, go swimming, or play cards. There are just subtle differences that show he's growing up.
Keep doing what you're doing, R.. You've got it right, mama!
As he grows older, he'll make the decision of where that line is. Just keep doing what you're doing (So great btw!) and be the awesome mom that you are. If he ever feels uncomfortable b/c of teasing or whatever, he'll be sure to tell you if you keep your relationship close and open which it sounds like you are. You'll figure it out together. He's very lucky to have you :)
OMG, you get a standing ovation from me! Good job, keep it up! The relationship you have with your son will help carry him thru the Teen Years of Hell. Seriously, yes, it will.
You are providing him with guidance & the ability to embrace life. With our sons, my DH & I split the duties...not consciously, simply on a "who's available?" basis. Sometimes it's one of us, sometimes it's both. A very good thing either way!
We live in mid-MO. Each winter, we attend a road rally...that runs thru the Mark Twain Nat'l Forest. It brings in people from all over the world. To attend, you have to be ready to stand in the middle of the woods.... regardless of the weather! We've attended in balmy 50 degree weather, & we've stood in 20 degrees with sleet/snow coming down. It's messy, it's freakin' primitive (thank goodness, they provide Johnny-on-the-Spots!), & it's Testosterone City! & I attend this every year with my sons + their friends. I am not a fan of racing....but I am a fan of being a Mom who's out there with her sons! We pack food for the day, load up the blankets/lawn chairs, & pick up a truckload of boys before heading out. It's a blast.
Everything you've listed, I've done...as has my Sis & my friends. Don't get caught up in gender-barriers! The most important thing we can do for our kids.....is be there! & it truly does pay off in the end! A Really Good Mom is better than an abusive or absent dad. Yes, we ROCK!
& to pat myself on the back: I am known as the "Mean Mom". None of my sons' friends dare to cross me. I love it. They know they can have fun, they know that I'll be there with them, & they know that I will take them down if I have to. I think the best of the best would be when my older son (23) swatted me on the back as I walked by.....I spun, pinned him against the doorframe, & had him nailed before he could blink. My younger son had a friend over & the friend was drop-jawed shocked! He told the story repeatedly that night & ....ever since then!....& his parents are both military! just a fond memory of mine! :)
Each of us mommas forge a bond with our son. Some of us are more physical than others but we are there. I am the mom that was a SAHM and an FT worker. It proved to be about 50/50 through my kid's lives.
When we overseas I was home but also attended the sports events and trips and did things with the scouts. It is only normal for a son to change as he matures into a young man. Keep the lines of communication open. Follow his lead when he wants privacy or to be with the guys more than you. He still loves you he is just finding his way.
One day he may say, "Thanks' Mom for all you have done for me," on his wedding day. Know that day you have done your best to bring forth a grown adult. It was a very big surprise to hear that as he was a hard person to deal with (of course Gulf War I had just started and we all had to adjust to that and dad being in another country).
But you can and will look back at all the good/bad/ugly and smile knowing that you succeeded - just like looking at those cute baby pictures all the good memories.
The other S.
PS Once a parent always a parent just the situations change.
Go R. J!!
From the time my husbnad was 11 until after we got married, at 23, he was raised by his mother and uncles.
His dad was in and out of the pucture, worked late, had a new wife, didn't even take his custody weekends.
My husband has an amazing relationship with his mom. She did all the "guy" stuff with two boys. He is now a wonderful, hands on, involved in everything he can be with the children kind of dad.
Get your son involved in activities that are "men" run. Boy scouts is good. Also as he gets older join a gun club and teach him to shoot things. Since you are a Marine you already have the knowledge. :o) Mine is now starting to go to the range, he just turned 11. We have a compiund bow for him too.
My very best friend has 5 boys. She is on husband number 3 too. But she has taught all her boys how to use power tools, fix cars, shoot guns, light fires. Her boys' friends think she is amazing, just as your son's friends will. Just keep the fridge loaded
You'll know when the time comes and your relationship will evolve and change a bit simply because he's getting older and is in the process of growing up and becoming a man. How wonderful an example you show what and how fun women can be with their boys. You are leadinb by example. Sounds like you are an awesome Mom! look I have burping and fart noise making contests with my 4 year old boy. Go with it and do your best. that's all you can do. :)
Grandfathers and biological uncles are the best substitutes for a Dad. Millions of adult men have been raised to adulthood perfectly happy and full of stories about going to ball games, playing scrimmage, cards, hunting and fishing with their grandfathers.
Don't worry too much. In the millions of years we have been on the planet women who were widowed or abandoned have raised healthy sons.
You don't have to be "all he's got" when you have an extended family.
As a mom who plays hockey daily with her son, I say, keep on having fun! Your son is lucky to have you as a parent. Sounds like you are doing just fine.
