Can't Get Away from a Terrible Relationship

K., I don't know what the terms of your divorce are. Does he have legal rights to see your son on the weekends, for example? It may be that you can't just pack up and go too far. Legally, and for your sanity sake, you need to know what you actually can do. Here in Grand Rapids, MI, there is a place called "Safe Haven." It is a place for abused women and children to come and either get housing for a limited time while seeking what to do, or just to talk with someone at their office, and start going to classes on how to "rethink" outside of the abuser's control. I've been to these classes and can say that it is really helpful. If you need to talk, please feel free to pm me. I'll send you my phone number as well.
I'm so glad you know you're worth more too. The truth is, damage is being done for your son as well, and the previous comment about this being a terrible example for him is right on target. We learn what we live. I'm definately praying for you and getting through day by day. All the layers of sorrow can't come off in one day, but a good, safe, choice today, and another tomorrow, and the next, will help you invest towards a healthy path, that you can live with. Best of wishes to you.
J.

I can relate to you entirely too well. I am also in a similar situation. My husband is extremely controlling and has told me that if I leave, I must leave my kids with him. I have not yet found the strength to leave (I too was a very strong woman, but like you, it changed). At one time, I was in therapy and my therapist had stated that there are homes for women who are leaving abusive relationships. You may want to check with your state to see if such things exist.

Another thing, you may want to check with your schoolmates to see if some of them would like to share the rent on a house, or check with the College Center to see if there are any postings for Roommates Needed. It's worth a shot.

I commend you on going to school. It is one thing that will only help you support yourself and your son in the future. To me, it is my first step in achieving independence. Stay strong, and I hope you can leave and have a happier life!

I recently read where another woman left her husband shortly after he left for work on Christmas Eve. He was becoming vilent and she had to protect her kids. She had arranged it ahead of time and her brother came to pick her up. I'm not sure how far away he lived but she did mention that after some time on the road she called her husband's ex to warn her that he was abusing their children, or had at least started pushing the child hard enough to cause he to fall and then she ditched her cell phone so he couldn't track her. However, with a child that needs medical attention I'm not sure where you can go. Most likely look for something through the state or a safe house. My niece's mother lived in a safe house for awhile after she left her husband.

Krysitn,

YOu need to get out not only for you but for your son to be healthy. I cant imagine being in your situation and i would agree that you need to leave town.

Can you stay in Utah and leave the town you are in? that way keeping some of the same support system but having distance? Also you will have to CUT ALL TIES and COMMUNICATION with this man if you are going to be able to stay apart and be able to become whole again.

I would also suggest getting in touch with a counselor or social services if you have not already. THere are a variety of places that can help you get on your feet, stay in school, and start healing.

S.

K.,
I have tottally been where u are today. My ex was the same way... .cheated on me 4 times that i known of and every time he left me and my girls (who were young at the time) he would hook up with young girls who didn't know better. When I got with my ex i tottally left my old life as childhood. I dropped out of college, made my parents mad plus left every friend behind that i knew. My life was tottally revolving around him which royal bites!! We broke up the first time and i was messed up. I didn't know what to do. I knew the situation was bad he left me with bills glore including a court date for our rent. I moved back in with my parents and they were my support. At that time i thought i couldn't do it on my own. 2 young kids with only me. My parents helped me find my own brand new apartment, I got my own car plus i bought myself a new computer. I started living day by day and only dealing with the idiot when i had too For the kids sake. DHS had a support worker who helped me through all the legal stuff with the kids. Plus they helped me with my apartment because of the situation. I also could afford it cause of MSHDA section 8. Its different then the Hud that most places go through. I too after the first time took my ex back.... We lived together for 8 months and i thought OMG what am i doin. Its the same way as before. The good thing about this time was i didn't have his name on any thing. I was able to keep every thing cause it was all mine that i worked for. The second time around i realized duhhh i did it on my own before i can do it again and told his butt to get out. Of course he found a young girl who got preggo after only 2 months. I told the girl that he wouldn't stick around and sure enough he has left her on her own at the age of 19 and being preggo. Anyways long story short... YOU CAN DO IT....... I did it and woman do it every day. Its a hard battle but in the long run god makes every thing work out. A month after my ex left the second time around i met a gentleman on line. For 8 months we only chatted. Didn't talk in person nor on the phone. He became my best friend. I would wake up in the morning just to see a offline from him and it brighten my day. My girls were my rock. I did every thing for them. I filled up my extra time with things like reunited with old friends from school, and took my girls out to the park. Just filled the days up and it helped sooo much. I do have to say my parents were my back bone tooo. They helped sooo much to make me the person i am today. Three years goin on four later I got married to my best friend in august of O7. We have my 2 girls who he treats just like his plus we have a 19 month old little boy together. We are currently looking to buy a house so we can expand our little family with one more. I believe that if u were to move away it would only bring more sadness. You would have no support if i read correctly about ur family living in the same town now. Find a back bone like i did with my parents. Also may i suggest looking for a shelter type thing. Like in our area we have the river house shelter. They help people leave abusive relationships and give the support that is needed. I didn't go through them but i have heard positive outcomes from places like that. They help with the legal aspect and every thing. I wish u luck and we all know u can do it.... GOOD LUCK AND STICK WITH YOUR GUTT FEELINGS.. . In the long run it all turns out to be good. You just have to be willing to take the ride which ever way it turns you.... Oh also if you were to ask me if i regreted any thing that i did.... I would only have to say one thing.... that is dropping out of college. So stick with it..... Its part of the ride... with a good outcome. ~~~hugs~~~

You can do it K.! Yes you can!
My heart goes out to you. I was in a very similar situtation. My ex-was extremely abusive, but acted like he was the victim. It took me almost 4 years to get the divorce! My self-esteem was so low. But with some good support and prayer I healed. I recommend two books by Lundy Bancroft called, "Why Does He Do That?" and "The Batterer as Parent". These books made a HUGE difference in understanding how to deal with him.
My son is now 11. After the divorce,my ex started being abusive toward our son when he visited! I called the police on him, and now the court is precenting him from seeing my son, which is actually a good thing.

I first want to say that I am sorry you are going through such a hard time!!!!!!!

One of the things you have to be careful of is the terms of your divorce and whether or not you can move away from your ex, You also have to get strong and tell him NO MORE, you are done, but you have to meen it! If he wants to see your son, have another person be wherever it is that he gets to see him, You have to start by breaking his hold on you, and the sad thing is no matter where you go if you haven't made the decision that you aren't going to take it, he will always have his ability to hold on to you. This is probably going to be the hardest thing you do, it sounds like you still love him and are trying to hold on to what you thought your life was going to be. A man like him will play on all of those emotions, you are 22 do I am assuming he is right around your age, and that is very young. My husband and I were married at 18 & 19 he to cheated on me and left and proceeded to have 2 other children with this woman, we are know back togather and are going on17 years, but 5 1/2 of those were apart, he just wasn't ready, your ex may never be ready, and when he is you will have moved on.

This comes down to you and how much you will take, but I say to let him go, be strong, and most importantly stand up for yourself and your son, an unhappy momma is not a happy home, and you and your son deserve better then what he is giving you, feel free to write if you want........

IF you tell them that you have to get out of a bad realtionship, and that you have a disables son, they will m ove you up to thet top pf the list. I did it a few months ago. I now live in Rockford. There are two subsidized places in my town. Its best to leave and not tell him where you ar. Meet in a neutral place if he needs to see your child. Its orth it for your sanity

An excellent book to read if you are in a bad relationship is Controlling People by Patricia Evans. I think it is worth more than its weight in gold. You sound like a beautiful person & mum with amazing courage. Get your self esteem back. It is not fair for another person to take it away from you. Have fun re-building yourself and bringing joy back into your life again. You will be amazed at the results. Deb M

Hi K.,

Just wanted to send you some assurance that getting far away is the best. I am 38 years old, have been married for 17 years to the same kind of man as you are speaking of. I am just now filing for a divorce (5 kids later)and regret not having the courage and forethought to get out of a bad marriage. I pray you keep your courage and get away, and you're right put distance between you. The maniupulation techniques are so affective for these guys, you need to be far away...I'll keep you in my prayers, you're doing a brave and wise thing, be proud!
D.

Kystin- You do not have to pull up your roots to get away from your ex. I too, was involved in a relationship that was not healthy. My ex- threatened me, followed me, abused me, and I went back a few times. I finally learned to ignore him and went on with my life and only then did he get on with his.

The change has to come from within you. You seem like a very strong woman-you are raising a special needs child by yourself, you obviously see the unhealthy relationship for what it is, and you are trying to better your life and your child's by attending school. I think you can muster up a little more strength and keep your ex, just that-a ex! I know running away seems like the easiest way right now but, think about your child, too. Your ex will want? and need to see him.... If you chose to go get prepared now. Salt Lake City has many opportunities, great children's hospital, and a great community collage. But, all moves have problems so be prepared for a fight. Good luck!!! Be strong!!! H.