Challenges with a teenager.....a Procrastinator!

My son didn't do much of the work he was assigned his senior year. he actually flunked English, they had semester classes so he did retake it before he graduated but then got by only by passing the final with a 93%.
He knew exactly what he needed too.
We dropped a bomb on him in December that year. He wasn't producing, he only worked at the pizza place and played video games. We said, we are not paying for college. At graduation you can move to these apartments at $500 a month and continue to work at the pizza place or pick a bootcamp.
He is now in the Navy and doing very well.
I now say to my 15 year old, Well there is always bootcamp. She knows I had money set aside for her brother that he did not get for school, nor did he get for anything else. I have some set aside for her. She also knows we are dead serious.
You can
Start talking to the teachers and get the due dates of the major projects
Then set up a time with him to get some of the work done at certain times, even if it means on weekends and the whole family is inconvenienced. He might miss Homecoming.
Let him fail while he is still in HS. He can still recover while at home and he may need a kick in the pants, like an F.
Have the coach talk to him or drop him from the team.
Take away the car and other "fun" items, electronics, phone, iPod, computer, tv. .

I have one son that is a procrastinator and I suppose it was a genetic defect he got from me. We have both survived it. Mine ended up in bootcamp and the army tho.... he wouldnt sit down and turn in his scholarship/grant paperwork. I told him at 18 and a half, that he had to go to school or get a job. He worked for a few months, made enough money to take he and his g/f to Disneyworld, blew his savings, came back home and found me sitting there with paperwork for joining the Army. He joined, stayed in for 7 years, and is now making 6 figures and doing awesome. He still procrastinates tho, takes forever for me to get an email from him sometimes, but I'm sure proud of him.
I always do my best work when I'm under the gun... so it hasnt changed me much. I do know it causes other people around me anxiety tho, wondering WHEN I'm gonna tackle whatever it is on my current plate.
It sounds as tho you've done your best at giving him advice and resources to not procrastinate, but if it falls on dead ears there just isnt anything you can do about it. Let him fail if that's what it takes.... he'll soon see what can happen when you blow the wrong deadline.

I must say that when I feel overwhelmed I feel incapable of doing it all and I shut down...paralyzed in a sense by stress. The more overwhelmed I feel the more paralyzed I become and then the more behind I get. It's a vicious cycle. This maybe what your son is feeling. I would encourage you to help him learn how to dig out of his predicament of perpetually being behind. If he doesn't already have a planner/calendar be sure to get him one. Review it with him everyday by discussing what needs to get done each day to keep up. Be sure to pay attention to how long something will take and be sure to help him set goals to deal with things in doable amounts. Use the weekends to help him get ahead instead of falling behind. Have him review past material to prepare for tests instead of waiting for the announcement of a test to start studying. Quiz him over the material so you can access if he's keeping up. I do this during dinner with my kids. It really helps them realize if they have a true understanding of the material. Also, I work beside my kids while they are doing projects or a large homework assignment just to help them stay focused. I don't interfere, but sit within eyeshot while I go through the mail, etc. I realize he is 16, but it is my philosophy that at any age sometimes we need guidance. He might just need some extra help right now to get back in the right direction. I think punishment is the wrong approach. I agree he should not be watching TV every night or going out when he has homework, but you have to be reasonable. Give small rewards along the way to encourage him. When I see my kids working really hard on homework or a project I offer a special treat and show interest in what they are working on. Sometimes they tell me to go away because they are really focused and don't want to lose momentum and other times they are happy to take a short break and teach me about what they are learning and they have pride showing me their hard work. My advice is do whatever you can to be involved and be supportive. Kids need their parents to be loving support no matter what age they are.

As a procrastinator of the highest order, my suggestion is that your son may not know how to create a plan. I knew, even in high school, that if I would have started on things earlier I wouldn't have been working on projects at 2 in the morning the day it was due, and saying I won't do this again. Yet, the next project was the same story. I wanted to spread the work out, but I didn't know how to break things down in to pieces that I could do daily. If your son did not have consequences for late work last year or the years before, then he may not be as good at scheduling his time as you thought. It might be that he had more time and now with the heavy load and his other activities he has less time to accomplish more work which is new to him and he is becoming stressed.

As the parent it is okay to say you let him have some wings, but the grades are slipping and so now WE make a plan. He may need some help, whether he likes it or not, dividing up the work in the time he has. Does your son feel like his grades are okay? If he truly isn't worried about it, then he may not see a need. If they are really bad, remind him that most sports require a minimum gpa to play (if they don't, you can make that rule for your son). Also, which college does HE want to go to? Look at the requirements to get in as well as how many apply and how many are usually accepted - will he be competitive with his grades?

I finally got a great planner (www.plannerpad.com) and that has helped some it allows me to list tasks for the week at the top and in the middle assign smaller tasks each day, plus an area to mark appointments- my family physician recommended it! Organization is a skill that some are born with and others, like me, have to learn. It sounds like he will have to learn it, too. If I am overwhelmed my stress level hits high gear and I lose focus, forget, etc. He may be in the same predicament.

Even in HS I had a bedtime - 10 pm on a school night. In college, after my grades slipped, my parents (who I lived with) imposed study nights - no activities on those nights. Even the Navy requires minimum study hours from their soldiers taking classes (lower grades require more hours). He may need those as well, at least until his grades go up.

I wish you good luck, the teenage years are rough for everyone involved.

Well, I've read some of John Rosemond's books and his p.o.v. is that a child will not take responsibility for his behavior until he is inconvenienced by it. If that means denying him use of a car until the problem is corrected, then so be it. If it means having him repeat a year of school, then so be it. It is better and easier to learn these lessons as a child in the home, than out in the real world. You are perfectly within your rights to contact his teachers and tell them that you will support poor grades for poor performance, regardless of what other parents might do. The point of schoolwork is not to do more "comparatively" but to develop character: persistence, diligence, forethought, planning, responsibility, integrity.

Bottom line: he needs real-world consequences. I recommend "Ending the Homework Hassle" and "A Family of Value" for some excellent examples of Rosemond's principles. He doesn't have specific methods, because he believes 95% of all child rearing problems can be handled by a parents own common sense and gut instinct. (And don't worry: if your teen accuses you of being mean, that's good! It means they know you "mean" what you say!)

p.s. I should also say I struggle myself with procrastination, and I wish I'd gotten on the ball in high school, instead of having to learn now while raising two kids myself and finishing my college degree.

Remind him that those kids who aren't studying and turning in their work, probably won't do well in college or have a good career in this extremely competitive field. Ask him if having a good job, an education are things that are important to him. I would help him make a 5 year plan.... have some short term goals and long term goals, complete with deadlines. It's hard for teens to see the big picture, in that the poor grades and study habits can cause so much hardship in college, then in turn in getting a good career.

He is 16, tighten his reigns and give him actual consequences for not doing his work. Take away phones, tv time, computer, facebook, music... things he can earn after his homework and studying is done each day. More importantly though, help him make a plan to set priorities... he may be struggling with that and simply the motivation to get started.

Maybe, he should get a part time job too... it will help teach him time and money management, and give him perspective as well.

I think the secret here is how you talk to him. Teenagers can mistake talking as nagging and can just tune you out.Trust me I have been there, eye rolls and all. Maybe instead of telling him what he needs to do sit down with him and help him make a plan together. Telling him to do it may just mean to him one more thing he has to do and he just can't seem to get it all together. It sounds to me like he is overwhelmed and just doesn't know how to get it done so he is just giving up. Heavy school load, a sport, and bible school is probably too much. I never had a problem helping my children (not doing it for them) when they were overwhelmed. School is very different then when we were younger, and the pressure is intense. I once saw a Dr. Phil episode where he had a panel of teens. They all claimed their biggest pressure was school pressure. Kids have so much on their plates and pressure and sometimes shutting down is how they deal. Pressure to get good grades, ace the SAT's, get into a good college. Alot for a 16 or 17 year old to handle. I know with high school sports you have to make all practices, and the coaches can demand they make sports a priority. I completely disagree, school first. Unless, he is planning on becoming a professional athlete, maybe the sport should go until he can get a hold on his school work. If he finishes out this fall sport, I would try to convince him not to sign up for any winter sports, until he can get back on track. I know playing sports is good for children but sometimes at the high school level it is very demanding and some kids just can't do it all. Try to talk to your son when you are not heated and in the moment. I think remaining calm (as difficult as that can be ) is key to him really listening to you. Teens are an entirely different creature and was the most difficult time for me as well. Good luck!!

ASK him if he wants to flip burgers for a living ----if not he better get going with the work...College's will only take the top students (limited numbers) and when finished with college getting a job is not going to be handed to you, YOU will have to work for it and keep working or you are out and someone else will be in. And then back to the burgers.

Hi S.,

While respecting that your son is getting older and needs to take more responsibility for his learning, it sounds like you still want to help him improve this situation. Your first step might be to agree on a few talking points with your husband and then have a "heart to heart" with your son. Tell your son what you see and ask him what is going on. Give him time to open up. Your son might feel overwhelmed and does not know what to do. This is also a good time to get him thinking about what motivates him to succeed in life. The answers vary for each of us and can take time to figure out.

Does your son know how difficult life can be working straight out of high school? Do you and your husband plan to help him financially if his choices don't lead to a great career with a good salary? You might guide him through a budgeting exercise where he looks at the life he can afford making low wages. Were he younger, it might be too early for this discussion. We made sure our oldest understood our policy on this at about 16 or 17 years of age.

From a Love and Logic point of view, your son can choose to improve his study habits and grades or he can choose to accept some appropriate natural consequences. For example, if things don't get better, he obviously needs more time for studying and might have to skip fun activities (and perhaps even sports).

You can offer to help him develop a study / homework plan. Help him set reasonable, specific goals and sign a contract. Be his cheerleader - "you can do this!". You can encourage him to meet those goals, but will sadly have to enforce the consequences if not. You love him unconditionally and hope for the best and will have to help him make changes if needed.

I've been there with my kids at times. There are no easy answers, but loving encouragement coupled with some tough natural consequences can help him turn this around.

Good luck,
Parent Coach J. B.