Changing Schools - Braintree,MA

You are the grown up and you decide where she'll goto school. She'll throw a fit about it? At 12 they throw fits about everything anyways.

The one thing I will say is that the more vocal you are about someone being bad the more she'll want to hang with them. Keep her occupied with other things and instead of going on about the negatives about someone talk about the positive things she'll need to succeed in her life.

Whoa, mom, please back up a bit and slow this train down. You started out asking about switching her out of advanced classes and into "base" classes then suddenly are saying you "hate her friends and her behavior also" and that "this kid is horrible." I think you started out focused on the academics and suddenly went off into behavioral issues that have clearly built up some emotion for you.

First, please, please don't send her to yet another new school to "fix" this. That only will make her resent you and school profoundly and she would be even likelier to rebel than she already is. Also do not cave in to her desire to be in base curriculum classes -- if she left the previous private school because she was academically bored, it is utterly wrong to let her leave her more advanced and challenging classes now that she is in them and doing well as you note.

Why are most of her friends at the new school kids who are not in her classes at school? If that's the case, where and how is she getting to know them? What is attracting her to them? You really need to explore that some. Are they kids from classes like gym or electives where kids from all kinds of academic classes are mixed together? It's fine and in fact good and healthy for her to have friends who are not necessarily in her advanced academic classes, but if you dislike these specific kids and their influence, I'd start encouraging her to do things with kids from her classes. Do you really know these friends pretty well, or do you just "see" them through her tendency to want only to be with them? They might be OK kids but you resent their taking her away from her activities and influencing her to want to change classes.

Also, why and how did she drop her "lots of extracurricular interests" when she changed schools? Were those activities tied to the old school somehow (after-school clubs at her Catholic school) OR were they not, and she just dropped out?

If the interests and clubs etc. were tied to the old school, of course she had to stop them; you now need to require her to join an activity or club at the new school and I would also tell her she needs one other activity totally unrelated to school ( you want her meeting kids who share her interests, not just kids whom she knows only because they are at the same school.

If she just suddenly dropped things that were not tied to the old private school, that's kind of on your, mom, and you need to acknowledge that; talk to her and present a lot of options and let her choose some things to do that she finds fun. Let her feel she has some real say in what she does but have her do something.

All she does is talk on the phone? Time to limit her phone. My 14-year-old doesn't even have one and when we get her one for high school it's going to be the kind with a limited set of people she can call (yes, it will include certain friends) but no texting and no internet. You may feel you can't go that far, and doing so might make your kid rebel worse, but if she is busy and is doing activities that force her to be phone-free, she won't be on the phone "all" the time, and she will make friends at those activities and be less apt to call her other friends (though that may take time).

It sounds like you and she are not communicating at all, and she may feel she's being controlled while you may feel she's being obtuse about her future and her friendships. It sounds like she's doing a classic middle school dance called "You aren't the boss of me and my friends are more important than you, mom." This is really normal though it can be very painful for the parent. How you handle that pain is really important right now. If you are feeling a lot of anger with her, please see about getting both of you to a family counselor or yourself to a counselor so you can handle your own emotions at what is a tough time for you and for her.

She very likely knows how you feel about her friends and about her. Even if you never used the word "horrible" to her she very likely knows that's how you feel and sometimes that makes a preteen or teen decide she'll act so badly she'll justify your opinion of her. I would try to get away with her on a completely fun trip somewhere, even a day trip or a weekend, with activities she helps plan, so the two of you share some experiences that are positive and you do not bring up school or her friends at all during that time. It is not a fix but a way to get a breather and give her some input on fun. But most of all I'd see a counselor about your own anger (if it's as expressed in the post, maybe you were having a bad moment there!) and would get her involved in activities. Please update us.

Been there done that, several school changes with my oldest who is 15. I don't recommend it based on our experiences. She will now stay put until she graduates or makes the effort herself to demonstrate to me and do all the work to research/apply/etc to another school.

If your daughter doesn't want to do the hard work at her current school, she will still be the same person lacking internal motivation in a new school. If your daughter is a follower at her current school, she struggle with being follower at a new school. If she likes to do is hang out and talk on her phone now, she's still going to like to hang out and talk on her phone if she's attending a different school too. If you hate her friends now, you may likely hate some of them at her new school too.

Kids take their challenges with them. Just moving them around avoids taking on the real issues. 12/13 is a rough age. No school is perfect, there are always pros and cons. Just some thoughts.

Sometimes the emphasis on academics doesn't work out. She switched schools and went into advanced classes, but isn't happy. How is it that she became friends with so many kids in other classes but not her own? She has no other activities, so how is it that she has become close with other kids? And what is it about them that you hate so much? Do you blame them for her behavior? Or are they into really dangerous or irresponsible behaviors and activities? What if they aren't the problem? What if it's HER rebellion and defiance?

She may be rebelling against you and your choices, but this is also an age when kids strike out on their own and start rebelling anyway. Sometimes, the more you let them know they anger and disappoint you, the more you push them down the path you fear. So it's a good idea to get a handle on your feelings and your philosophy before she gets to the age of dating and driving. That's when you really have to watch them because they gravitate to that which really annoys you - on purpose sometimes.

So you say she has too much freedom - but kids at this age DO need a little more, and they need to know how to handle it. Was her last school so restrictive that she can't handle a little bit of freedom? Has the pendulum swung too far?

When you say she talks on the phone, what phone? Does she have a cell phone that you pay for? Then teach her that it's a privilege and not a necessity. It's a bonus that she earns by meeting standards. That doesn't mean she has to get all As but it does mean that she has to try and get good comments from teachers about her efforts, class participation, etc. Make sure your expectations are reasonable and achievable. So I would suggest a meeting with the teachers (or at least the teachers of the subjects where she is struggling the most), and find out where the biggest problem is, and set some strategies for the rest of the year. Perhaps she is feeling a lot of academic pressure to excel - she's in a tougher district anyway, and in advanced classes to boot. Maybe she didn't develop the study skills necessary to succeed, and just managed based on her own smarts. Now she's in classes that are demanding and with other kids who are equally smart, or smarter, and she feels intimidated. A lot of kids act out and become "I don't care, I'll be BAD" to cover up their fears of failure.

That doesn't mean you don't switch schools, and I understand that you probably have a deadline for applying to a private school. You are the mom and you decide, yes. But there's no guarantee that she will blossom again when she returns to her old peer group in a new school. She could be so mad at you or at a return to excessive restrictions that this move will backfire.

You could also get into to short term family counseling with someone skilled in this age group, to work on ways to communicate better with her, so that she sees it's really to her advantage to come to an accommodation and agreement with you. Sometimes an objective person can help a teen or tween understand that their parent's motivation is not to make them miserable, but to make them successful. You and she will need this bond to make it through the even more challenging struggles ahead.

Good luck!

What does your daughter say?

I think the underlying problem here is that emotions have kind of cut off communication with your daughter .. she must feel your resentment and disappointment. With her friends, her choices, etc.

If she's going to have a fit, you hate her friends and behavior .. sounds like it's gotten a bit out of hand. Totally understandable but time for you mom to get your emotions in check and take a breath, and open up those channels of communication again :)

Your daughter had a HUGE adjustment to changing schools. That's huge on a kid that's 12. They adjust for sure (mine have) but if they are followers at first to fit in, that's pretty normal. They find their niche over time - right now, being part of a group is pretty important. They tend to end up with the ones that reflect their interests and values over time - if you are SUPPORTIVE of that. Just keep supporting the friendships (there must be at least one??) that you feel are in her best interests. I always encourage having those kids over if I can (without being obvious).

The more you disagree and disapprove of her choices, the more she will feel you don't give her any credit. I don't agree with a lot of what my kids do (typical!) but I have learned (am still learning) that we need to just listen.

Good luck :)

I believe we only have a limited time to walk beside our children to guide them. At her age you have about 3 (sorry 6, i thought she was 15 until i reread) more years until she is an adult and can ignore you altogether legally. It is time to stop telling her what to do and open a dialogue about more than school, but about life in general. Instead of telling her, ask her, and really listen. As parents we want to fix things for our kids and one of my daughters had to point out to me (at about 15 or maybe a bit younger) to stop solving the things she was telling me about but to just let her vent and listen to her! They are budding adults proud of their new ability to reason or argue (sometimes both sides) and want to be heard. That does not mean you have no input but the dialogue has to shift to more of an adult interaction. Start thinking of how you would react to the same information coming from a trusted friend, not the little girl you adore and still see inside her. She may be trying very hard (in her teen limited ability) to show you she is growing up. Holding on tighter will, in my opinion, be counter productive. I often start with a pro/con list to decide on issues. Maybe create one with her and when she lists reasons on either side of that list ask her why. Then let her know you love her and will always be there to guide her and try to see things from her perspective.

Has your daughter expressed anything about what she wants to do when she grows up? I have not heard anything about what she wants to do. All I hear is what you want her to do and how you dislike her new friends.

Well, life is life. Are you trying to shield her from some mistakes that you made growing up? Can't have the apple falling far from the tree now can we?

Take a few minutes to sit down quietly and write down some good and bad things about where she is. Have her do the same. If you need a mediator so be it find one.

Daughter needs to know that you love her regardless of her actions. Daughter needs to be able to spread her wings a bit and explore her new school.

Mother needs to back off a bit. Mother needs to find out why she dislikes the friends so much. Mother needs to start approaching raising a newly minted mini adult with what is going on in the world. You need to be more into what the world is doing so that you can suggest areas of study to her that might peak her interest. You still have some time to guide her into a way to support herself in the real world. She needs to learn that you can't just jump up and run away when things don't go the way you want them. She has to learn to take responsibility for her actions as a boss won't keep her on in a job. These are things you should have been discussing with her at a younger age and continue to do so as she grows up.

No one wants to be thought of as a loser or failure ever from their parents. As one person put it if you continue to think of her as bad and her group as bad, she will become bad.

My daughter had a friend whose mom felt that way and kept a tight reign on her and she went wild in all the wrong ways and got in trouble with the law. When my daughter got home the next morning I said to her you know that night cost you? She told me that she put herself on grounding because she didn't want anything to do with her and that their friendship was terminated. The other girl's mom kept calling me to find out if they were at my home and I could not answer with a yes. Needless to say, that girl left school and we don't know what happened to her to this day.

Take some parenting classes, anger management classes and joint counseling classes for you both. She is crying out for help from you but doesn't know it. Do spend quality time with her. If that means a roller skating date, a movie, a walk in the park or a weekend away do it. You are working on the way you two will connect when she grown and gone.

We have enough posts about how bad my mom is. Or the adult daughter that wants her mom to do things for her and the mom won't. How do you want to be remembered?

Good luck to you.

the other S.

Is it just the school or the age? You might want to talk to the guidance office about the behavior change. IMO it is also highly probable that what you are seeing is also hormones, age, and development, much as it is annoying. You would not be the only parent to lament the tween years.

I would sit down and say she needs to pick something to do after school, at least one thing. I would hold firm on what level class she needs to be in and not allow her to drop to a lower level to be with her friends.

If you are a screamer, you also need to work on your own reactions. Fight the big battles. Let her win the small ones. Read books like "I hate you but first take me and Cherly to the mall" (I forget the exact title) and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. If you find yourself engaging in battles with her, ask yourself how you can change it so you're still in charge because you "lose" every time you have to scream or get into a protracted battle with a child.

If he's not been in counseling for the loss of your mother and her absentee father, I think you should find someone.

There will ALWAYS be a friend or two you don't like. Changing schools is not the answer. You need to work with your child vs dragging her around to different schools to avoid the kids you don't prefer.

Get her back into some extra curricular activities so she can become friends with kids that you would approve of. Karate is great for self esteem, discipline & they hold the kids to high standards. If she isn't interested in that, then she needs to pick another sport or artistic activity, dancing, music, etc to keep her busy. Don't give her a choice about being in something, give her a choice about what she wants to be in...