Child Seeing Parent After Three Years

Hi K.,

I think your sister is wise in being cautious given this added information - it would be traumatic for any 3 year old child (sensitive or not) to be dropped off with a strange man for a few hours, let alone for one or more days.

The BF is either seriously out of touch with reality or he is trying to manipulate and hurt your sister, his ex.

While I commend your sister's desire to keep the law out of all of this, we live in a legalistic society and, given the ex's comments and demands about this meeting, I would highly recommend she seek legal counsel.

There have been some fantastic responses to these type of questions on mamasource and a search would give some good advice to your sister - pay particular attention to the advice given by the mamas who are lawyers.

One final note - I think Peg's advice is still relevant (not to mention, excellent!!) - your sister can seek legal counsel and proceed cautiously while still thinking the best of the situation. It is possible that the BF will eventually come around to be a loving and dependable presence in your daughter's life.

In the meantime, she can put things in motion to protect her child should the need every arise.

I hope this works out for the best - and kudos to the stepdad who has been this child's daddy!! He has my full respect. M.

K.,

speaking from watching my nephews get to know their BF, I would recommend stressing before the meeting that the child be allowed to meet him as a family friend--address him by name. As the child grows, and the relationship is maintained the BF can be identified by the mom and stepdad with the understanding that the child be allowed to continue to call BF by name if child wants.

I also have a good friend who's oldest child has been raised by stepdad. He called BF "daddy-(first name)" and stepdad "daddy".

There are lots of ways to address the issue when the child is old enough. The BF and Mom/Stepdad have to be honest and open with one another for the relationship to work. Time will take care of the rest.

Good Luck,
T.

ADDITION: I have just read your "So what happened?" update, so I'd like to update my advice.

With the added information about bio-dad's attitude, it would appear that he's neither particularly interested in his daughter's well-being, nor particularly mature. I would NOT be inclined to leave the child alone with him for even short periods. In fact, I would NOT be inclined to agree to the get-together unless BF agrees to some professional intervention first, counseling or family arbitration. Getting advice from a lawyer who specializes in domestic law would probably be a reasonable precaution, too. A rancorous BF is not a situation to treat lightly.

You don't say what the quality of your sister's previous communication has been with BF. If they have been disagreeing whenever they make contact, then he could be more interested in "winning" and stroking his pride than in being a dad. My first husband threatened to kidnap my daughter when I separated from him, not because he wanted to be with her, but because he wanted to hurt or control me. It was an unsettling time.

Besides getting legal intervention, it seemed critical to me at that time that I never raise my voice, act scared, snipe or criticize my ex. I avoided doing or saying anything that might further inflame his ego. I think this probably helped get things settled down again. We are polite acquaintances now, and my daughter still has her father's love.

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Original response:

You say "they" are planning to limit time and refrain from argument, but I'm not clear whether "they" includes bio-dad. It will help if all adults are in agreement, and ideally this conversation should happen before the visit, possibly with a counselor or arbitrator if feelings are too negative. Negotiating agreements like that don't seem to be the subject of your request, however.

The situation will not be awkward for the daughter unless the adults make it so. She's going to take the situation at face value. If BF wants to be called by a fatherly title, so what? It's only a name to her. If the concept is troublesome to the adults, they don't have to burden her with those more sophisticated judgements. Let it be a positive event.

If everybody's expectation is that the BF will behave as a bad guy, they will treat him accordingly and the outcome will almost certainly become what they expect (unless BF is a saint). But what if he's just a normal guy, wondering whether he can be there in a positive way for his daughter? What if he's as nervous about how he might be received as your sister is about receiving him? What if giving this thing a chance turns out to be positive? It is possible, and my rather complex family has worked out similarly awkward connections by proceeding thoughtfully and honestly.

My inclination would be to prepare the daughter for the advent of her father by explaining in simple terms what his relationship is to her. The analogy of certain daddy animals who don't stick around to be part of the family might be helpful. And then say that bio-daddy wants to get to know her, and suggest that it could be a nice situation. Just keep it as simple as possible, and as unemotional. If your sister tilts her daughter's attitude against BF, then it could be challenging and confusing for the daughter.

There are only three patterns from BF that I would be concerned about: If he's got a huge chip on his shoulder and inclined to say things to his daughter that would confuse her about her mommy or stepfather; if he's seriously dysfunctional, such as mentally ill or a substance abuser; or if he's a natural-born charmer who will win his little girl's heart and then desert her again (I've been that little girl – big ouch). In any of those events, I would want to intercede gently but firmly, possibly by taking him aside and talking about it.

It would be good to be prepared with some communications skills. A particularly helpful and mutually respectful technique is called Non-Violent Communication, or NVC. You can Google these terms, and find some role-playing examples on You Tube.

Good luck to your sister.

It will not be an awkward situation for the little girl unless the adults make it so. Overly preparing her for it will make it a much bigger deal to her and likely make her apprehsive. Any "real" conversations that could lead to arguments should be had now well out of her earshot. Try to make the day as lighthearted as possible and don't think of it as BF vs stepdad, think of it as one more person to love and care about this little girl. My daughter had her first meeting with her dad after several years when she was 3 and a half as well. At that age kids are show offs, she will probably love having the undivided attention of someone new.
Does the BF just want one meeting or is he trying to reintegrate into her life? I just went through this and if the BF is serious about getting back into his daughter's life then it will untimately be a good thing for everyone. I would recommend setting up 4 or 5 visits over the next several months. Put them on your calander now. If BF shows up for all of them you sill start to gain a little trust and your daughter will gain some familiarity. Then you can go from there. Trust me you will feel differently about the situation when you can better gauge BFs intentions and follow through.

"Daddy" is an earned title, not a given right. Step-dad sounds like Daddy. It wouldn't hurt if BF was just introduced by his name either. If the question comes up like "who are you?" than don't lie to her, but use the term "Father". She already has a Daddy.

But as far are preparing - I think it would be best to see how the first visit goes before going down the long road of trying to explain "Father" and where he's been or why he was gone, but certainly explain how there are a lot of different types of families in the world and that she happens to be lucky enough to have a Daddy and a Father who care about her, but no matter what her place is safe at home with Mommy and Daddy.

K.:

I am writing this to your sister.

Has he explained why he all of a sudden wants to be in her life? Being a parent is not a right, it is a priveledge, that needs to be earned thru love, time and respect. I would be very clear as to what the boundries are in what can be said or done with or to your daughter. He has not earned any rights here and you are being very gracious, as is her Daddy. Has he come with a plan to come back into her life or is he just seeing if he wants to now. I have been thru this with my daughter and we have no contact with her father. He has been clearly told that he must meet certain conditions in order to be in her life and up to now, has not done so. Therefore he has no contact with my daughter. He sees this as me not allowing him, but I reiterate that this is his choice. I wish you the best in your future dealiings with BF and commend you and your husband for wanting to make the right choices.

Good luck,
D.

I would tell the bf before the visit that the girl thinks fo her step father(sf) as her father and that they do want the the girl call the bf daddy. they can tell him that the little girl can call him papa. that is what my neighbor calls her father and she is 3. If he does not agree then he will not she her. I would say to the girl your going to see yur papa at the zoo and refer to him as that?