CHOOSING Single Parenthood?

hi M. m,

i was in a similar situation as your friend. the difference would be that the decisions were left to me to make (as his preference was that it all go away--at the time).

it took a bit to step back from the moment, and take a deep breath and just feel; then process all the information. i agree with you that knowledge is important.

when i look back, i realize i couldn't anticipate everything. i considered the important and daunting realities of finances and sleeplessness, and the burden of work/childcare/social schedules, the absence of a constant and equally responsible helpmate. i allowed myself to dream of how our life (mine and baby's) would be. both felt important then, and they still do now.

your friend is fortunate to have you in her corner. of all the things in making a decision like this i wish i could have done was quantify the moral support i would receive. people get busy or disappear that you thought would be there. married or single, we need community. when money is tight, you're exhausted, excited about your child growing, needing a back rub, wanting grown-up conversation, advice on pediatricians, or commiseration on the length of good day cares' waiting lists, you want an emotionally invested someone to give you a hand.

as i can't speak to the relationship of your friend and the ex. there is not only the immediate concerns of each person's responsibilities/expectations (stated clearly) but the long term. this would be a good time to be honest and give the other the room to voice concerns and respect the hard decisions that might not coincide with yours. know what the state/gov. resources expect of both parents. if she raises the child will he want visitation, joint custody, the child to have his name, how much financial support (and in what areas)? single parenthood isn't always as 'single' as it sounds. it is only as single as the other will allow, or as both determine it to be.

i hope i didn't just ramble to you, or was of no help.

i tell my daughter every day: "your are my sunshine every morning", "i'm so glad you were born", "i thank God for you". she humbles me, and adds a facet to my being i could never be grateful enough for. i was terrified, i didn't make every decision perfectly, do everything to ensure the easiest path, i would probably do somethings differently (ah, hindsight), but once i made the decision to have her, nothing was insurmountable.

all the best to you and your friend.

L.

HI there,
I am also a single mom of a 4 yr old. I did not have any support throughout my pregnancy. What she needs the most is strong and supportive people surrounding her. If she has a lot of support - she will be able to make the desicion that will be the best for her and her new family. Amazon.com has some really good books on making the right desicion. From my personal experience, planned parenthood will always tend to go towards abortion rather than explain all options. Planned Parenthood never explains the feelings of after the girl has the abortion. So for someone facing this alone - it is very dangerous to her well being. If she has a religion, see if she can seek advise from a Sr. member of her church. Have her chat with other people about what happened to them (ie - abortion, adoption, or keeing the child). From my experience it has been the hardest and yet rewarding thing in my entire life! My little boy has brought me soo much joy even amoungst a difficult life. It is highly worth it and rewarding to have your child. I hope i haven't offended anyone with my comments, but sincerely she needs strong support with any desicion she comes to.

Hi M.,
how old is your freind? Is this her first pregnancy? Does she really want to be a mom right now?

How does she feel about abortion or adoption?
I personally had a n abortion when I was 18, but now, at 31, I'm happily married and we have an adorable litte 2 year old boy. And no,I do NOT regret my abortion. It saved me. I was with someone who mentally abused me and I had JUST graduated high school.
So, I guess it just depends on how your frind feels.
Good luck to you and her.
K.

You are so sweet to be looking for help for your friend.

I cant say I have been in your boat or hers but I wanted to ask if she has considered adoption, this may seem out there to her. But right now I know of a few friends who would like to have a baby but cant, there are great families who would love a child. I know my husband and I would adopt to give a baby a place in this world.

Just love on her, I am sure that is what she needs most unconditional love.

Kaite

Hi M.. Thank you for posting for your friend. It shows how much you care & value her friendship to seek help for her situation. I was a young (18) single mother for 5 years with very little to no help from my daughters father. It was probably the most trying 5yrs of my life and I could certainly say that I made tons of mistakes. Whether it was because of my age or because of being a 1st time mom, most likely both. She has some very difficult decisions to make in the near future and even if it's her decision alone, she needs friends & family to give her unconditional & nonjudgmental encouragement that the decision she makes will be the right one for her. Although Planned Parenthood has resources for helping her, I'm afraid that politics & financing plays a huge role in swaying their support towards abortion. So if she chooses this route, Planned Parenthood can definitely help her. If she chooses to keep the baby, there will be many issues she'll forced to face. From learning how to be a mother to budgeting to trying to keep her own individual identity, they're all very important in providing herself & her baby a balanced & healthy life but they're not easy. She'll find that while one area of her life is doing well, others may lack attention. That's where she'll need a "role with it" attitude to keep perseveering (SP?) through it. Motherhood, whether with a partner or going it alone, is the most rewarding challenge any female can ever endure and I applaud you and your friend for really striving to be successful moms. If you'd like to talk further, please feel free to email me. Best wishes for your friends future.