Christmas/Birthday Presents

If it really starts to bother you, make her a personalized calendar to hang on the wall with the birthdays, anniversaries, etc. on it. We did that one year and Grandma/Grandpa loved it.

Well, when it arrives, it arrives, right?

I have a MIL who always sends things late. She does not work. She is home all the time and has time.
In fact, ALL my in-laws are that way.
Always late, or nothing at all.
So what is my reaction?
I.do.not.expect.them. to even, send anything at all.
I don't expect anything, from them.
Because, they are typically this way.
I swear, they don't even know what a phone is, either.

I'm going to answer with a (serious) Q...

Is there anything you CAN'T do?

Not just don't like to do, or could if you made yourself... But honest to gawd CANNOT do?

I have lots!

To pick one: My ex is a programmer. Many of my friends are hacker types. No matter HOW much I try... I CANNOT understand coding. Its beyond a foreign language to me. (I could pick up a language). I've tried. My brain shuts off.

I can understand the PRINCIPLES. I can even do a bit of designing (the design for some neural based scripts out there are mine!)

But I can't code.

I can read DNA. I can understand physiology & neurochemistry . (Hence the neural design... I just have my ex husbands partner a recognition layout that the brain uses). So science/systems/etc.? No problem.

I can do advanced maths. Its not a math hangup.

I pick up languages easily.

So IN THEORY I should be able to code.

I can't.

IN THEORY... Your MIL deals w days/times/etc. on a regular basis. So she should be able to use a calendar or remember important dates... Right?

Nope.

Just because YOU can do a thing, it doesn't follow everyone can.

Sometimes that's out of disinclination.
Sometimes that's out of inability.

If it was JUST you? Then maybe its you. But its her SON (and probably every other anniversary except a few random ones that 'flag' for whatever reason.

So I suspect its not you.

Its her.

Specifically, a weakness of hers.

_______

@ Bug

AWESOME!

My grandmother was always EXTREMELY punctual / date oriented. As she lost that skill as she aged, it caused her a lot of anxiety & depression.

My grandfather found her solution:

EVERY new Rx... He attached a list of important dates to it.

So every day, as she took her pills, she also had the whole calendar of what was happening each month.

True Love.

I'm half wirh Bug and half with Rhonda on this.

A card or gift is an extra--not something that *must* be done!

I have years that it seems I mail ALL of my family members' (not those in my house!) cards late.
It might be because I think I'll see them & give it to him/her in person.
It might be because I'm waiting for pay day to pick up the gift card to go in it.
It might be because, even though I saw it marked on the calendar, life is BUSY and fast paced.
It certainly isn't because it happens on purpose. It doesn't mean I don't live them any less.
So....she's mailing your presents late.
Big deal!
Maybe she's doing the best she can.
Re-read your post. It sounds a little selfish & childish.

I guess I'm a little different. I would let it go. I would just stop caring whether she paid attention to special days or not. Some people just don't. And releasing them from the responsibility and guilt of getting it "wrong" so often, can be a great gift to them. I have a grandmother who sent awesome packages when we were little, but never on time. We learned to just be happy for the surprise. She doesn't call us, but when we call her it is always a good conversation. Grampa sends the Christmas cards, but Grandma helps make them. I guess we learned to pay attention to the ways that she does show her love to us.

Once I reached my late twenties my dad (who had full custody and was a fantastic dad and mom for me) started forgetting my Birthday. A week or so later he would ask me"did I forget your Birthday?". He would then explain that he couldn't even remember how old he was anymore.
Now he has passed and I really miss him forgetting my birthday.
I think it's fun getting presents late (my kids never complained).

I can't imagine expecting a gift, as a grown woman with kids, from an inlaw. I expect a phone call from my mom and dad, a card is a bonus, and if there is a gift AT MY AGE then that is super sweet. We don't really exchange gifts with people past a certain age (not really an official age, just "grown with kids" age, I suppose). Lots of people, myself included, have trouble with sending gifts in time which is why post offices are open to the last minute I suppose, why priority mail does so well, why the wonderful, beautiful amazon prime has been invented (free 2 day shipping on all purchases for a year). My dad often forgets to send a gift to the kids in time. If he forgets to call my kids for their birthday, I phone him and say "Hey, you wanna wish __ a happy birthday?" and then call the kids and say "Grandpa's on the phone!" Not so much for him as it is for them--they are young. But I don't give a guilt trip, I just "have his back". Gifts aren't necessary. If they get one, cool. If they don't, then he's peripheral anyway---that's my look on it. Mom, dad, brother, and a friend or two are plenty of gifts. Anything else is bonus. I don't think it's cool to "expect" gifts like you just deserve them for being born. From an inlaw, especially. I love to give and receive gifts, but take care what attitude you allow in your heart! Just my 2 cents...

Are the mamas who are responding (get her a calendar) off your rockers???? You are all wayyyy selfish--no one HAS to give gifts to adults unless its a spouse, partner, lover!!!!

In reading your SWH--Dang! You seem a have a great big sense of entitlement!!!!!!!!

I made my grandmother a calendar with all the birthday's written on it. We have reminders like "mail birthday cards for______," and other special dates. The birthdays are on the actual day, of course...but we put the reminders for mailing about a week before.

ETA: Rhonda, she ASKED us to help her remember. She was grateful for the calendar, and asks us every Christmas to make her a new one. Not off my rocker, thanks!

It's probably just not a priority for her. If she's working and sociable then she's probably just busy.
As an adult I really don't care if my family sends me cards or gifts. Honestly my husband, sister and BFF are the only ones who give me birthday and Christmas gifts/cards and that's fine with me. My MIL does send us an anniversary card every year, which is nice, and she usually sends my husband a card on his birthday but she doesn't buy him presents. We send her flowers on Mother's Day and usually give her a little something for Christmas, but we've never expected anything in return.
If I were you I think I would just adjust my expectations and accept the fact that gift giving is not a priority for her, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't care.

Because she works, because as we mature, no matter how together we are, things start to slip from our minds.

The Holidays are stressful at work, home all around, so trying to remember absolutley everything can be almost impossible.

Not malicious or intentional, just one of our quirks.

This kinda thing drives me batty since I am typically pretty organized and on top of stuff like this. The only thing that I can say is that some people are just not organized and will NEVER get stuff like this. Kinda like people that are ALWAYS late. I had a college roommate once that was late for everything. We worked at the same restaurant. It didn't matter if she was scheduled to work at 5 a.m., 6 a.m., 11 a.m., 1 p.m., or 5 p.m....she always found a way to be late. It was just how she was and I was unable to get her to change no matter how much I tried...

I think we get so wrapped up in our daily lives and stuff and life just goes on around us.

I think calling her and mentioning it would be the best way to handle this. Or do a Yahoo calendar and send invitations to her for the events. I do this for hubby.

I invite him to pick up kids from school, to get this one or that one to classes at the gym/dance studio, etc...if MIL has an email address you can invite her.

I have yearly events in my yahoo calendar and I have him invited to each and every activity. He gets the reminder "I" set for the event.

If it's a birthday I usually do 3 days before and the morning of the day of the date. For daily activities like getting kids from school I do half an hour before and again at 15 minutes before.

This way he has no excuse for missing anything.

Bug has a excellent idea.......Give your MIL a calendar for Christmas every year and put in all the birthdays, mailing of cards, and things you'd like her to remember.

AWESOME idea Bug!!!!

Sorry to say but it sounds like she doesn't care. I am so sorry! Send her a calender filled with your family's important dates and maybe you will have a better chance of her remembering.

Well I'm so busy with work that every year i say ok we need send cards out and some years i manage to get them out some I just plain forget. Life is crazy these days. If i get a card I love it but if I dont I understand and realize other people are busy also

I suppose if someone took the time to send me a gift I would be pleased, whether it was on time or not.
I actually don't get many gifts, or cards, outside of my husband, kids and sister, and we have a pretty big, close family.
I'm not sure why it bothers you, do you think she doesn't like you or something?

My FIL is getting a calendar for christmas that is personalized with pictures and everyone's birthday. It is adorable! I got it because I thought it was cute and something he would enjoy and use. For other reasons, you may wish to do something like it for your MIL. I did it through Walgreens photo shop.