Coach Not Following His Own Rules. Say Something or Let It Go?

The reason could be as simple as there may be a college scout at some of these races and older girls (seniors and maybe juniors) may be hoping for college scholarship stuff. And freshman while may be faster are not going to qualify for that kind of thing and an older girl may get passed over who needs it.

She's in HS now. The coach makes the rules and can "break" them whenever he sees fit. He had the courtesy to speak with your daughter and "ask" her to run JV. She has three more years after this one to run varsity, the girls he's putting in may be in their last year of HS.

If you daughter feels really slighted then SHE should talk to the coach. The days of Mom or Dad stepping in for her to make things "fair" are over. Your job is to support her and stay out of it.

Last Friday my daughter, who is in second grade, got a word marked as incorrect on her spelling test. She had spelled it correctly. I asked her if she was upset/concerned about it. She said "well, yeah, kinda...I spelled it right so I should get credit." I told her to ask her teacher to explain. So she did. And got credit where it was due.

My point is, if your daughter is concerned she can ask the coach herself. You don't need to step in especially if your daughter wants to let it slide.

ADDED: I hope you see this -- Thank you for the update! It is great to hear what happened. I wish more folks would update us here on their posts and problems! I hope you still do talk to her about being her own advocate and talking to coaches and teachers for herself whenever there are issues.

Original:
Your daughter, not you and not dad, should say something.

She surely is puzzled by this. And she's not a little kid. She should sit down and draft, if only in her head, what she wants to know here: "Coach, I need to check in with you so I'm clear on some things. I said yes to being moved for the other runners who 'usually' run varsity though I had qualified for those meets. Is this about my ability and fitness, which are things I am willing to work on? Is there an issue with the times? Or is there something else going on that I should know about?"

If she is simple and direct about it, and does not go in with guns blazing so he gets defensive, she might get some insight into what's going on. Yep, this could be as simple as a coach who has favorites, and that's not right - and he won't admit that to her, of course. But if he's got a shred of decency he'll at least be thrown off by her approach; he needs to be aware that she clearly sees what's up (and by extension he'll know that you and dad know too).

But there's another possibility -- there may be issues with the other runners of which she and you are not at all aware. Maybe a kid has something going on at home or in school, non-athletic issues that are messing with her running and he feels she needs the boost of being in a certain meet. Fair? No. Breaking the rule? Yes. But just bear in mind there may be things going on that are just not known to you.

I really would have her think through what she wants to say, practice it some, and see him at a time when she is NOT catching him as he's leaving a practice or just arriving. Not when he's in a hurry or has his mind somewhere else or is on the way out the door. She should ask to see him specifically to talk. I hope it goes well.

If your daughter is upset, she needs to speak with her coach. Not mom and not dad. She needs to handle this one.

If your daughter feels she earned the spot and is being side lined for unfair reasons, she needs to speak up. We have this in dance and I can tell you not only has my daughter (11) gotten farther by speaking up herself, she has earned the respect of her teachers. Let your daughter handle this how she sees fit. Just be there to support her no matter which way it goes.

My son's soccer coach has reduced his playing time lately without giving him a solid reason or telling him what he needs to do to regain the play time. We told him that if he wanted more play time he needed to address it with the coach directly, we would not do it for him. He's in 7th grade. It is more than age appropriate for him (a 12 yo) to address his issues with the coach. It is also more than age appropriate for your daughter to address her issues with her coach. Help her with what to say if she wants to and needs help, but let her do it.

I so wish my Mom had given me the skills to stand up for myself instead of trying to fight my battles for me. It was a long hard road to learn those skills on my own.

High school is where kids start becoming adults. This is something YOUR DAUGHTER needs to speak up about.

She needs to go to the coach and ask him to reiterate his rules, no exceptions, etc. and to state - I EARNED that right to run Varsity. I believe I should run.

YOU need to let it go.
Your husband needs to let it go.
YOUR DAUGHTER needs to handle this. Give her the tools. Ask her if she wants to pursue it and fight for her rights or just walk away. Let her know you support her either way. But SHE needs to fight for it.

Good luck!~

Your daughter is a freshman. She has plenty of time to run on the Varsity team as she gets older and stronger. No need to say anything at this point.

I agree with others. She needs to speak up for herself.

This skill is even more important than the actual running. She needs to learn how to speak up for herself to any authority figure with dignity and respect.

You say nothing. Your husband says nothing. Its up to your daughter to talk to the coach if she chooses. Since she's a freshman she had to work hard to earn her place on the team. Most freshman do JV in high school sports. If she gets to run varsity in any race then she'll have a leg up for next year.

I would let it go. I think the first race was a bit of an exception bc of the 4k vs 5k. It wasn't her specifically. So I'd think of it as the first time this is happening. Then I'd figure it's early in the year and see if it happens again. Your daughter should stick up for herself yet she's only a freshman. Not worth annoying the coach yet. And maybe to a degree his job is impacted by how winning a season they have. So I'd give it one more chance. If she's really challenging these older kids' varsity spots, that's great and she has time to prove that. And she will. But if by some chance it's a bit of a fluke and she doesn't qualify again this year under his rules, pushing the point this time isn't going to look so great or have been worth it. I assume she has the rest of this year and 3 more years with this coach...

T.,

Let it go.

Your daughter is a freshman and has only just begun to prove herself. It's barely a month into the new school year. Her coach is just getting to know her. Even though she placed 6th in the most recent race, as you noted, two of the varsity runners were absent, and she would have likely come in 8th. Those varsity runners have put years in to earn those spots. (Switch it up and consider this scenario: think if your daughter was a senior, had a conflict or got sick and had to miss a race, and then, in the next race, the coach put a new freshman in the varsity spot. How would you feel about that)?

While the coach seems to be overriding the "rules" he laid out at the beginning of the season, it is his right as the leader of the team to make changes as he sees fit (without having to explain it and get approval from parents and his athletes). He gets to make those executive decisions, and not every possible scenario that might lead to these changes can be spelled out ahead of time.

Instead, by giving it her best in each and every practice and race and consistently demonstrating a positive attitude, your daughter's actions will say way more to her coach, not only about her skills and level of athleticism, but more importantly about her level of maturity and commitment to the team. Coaches notice that.

(Regarding the above, I'm not saying your daughter doesn't display a positive attitude----just that she should keep doing it without questioning the coach this early in the season---and let her athletic skills speak for her over time).

If she does this, it won't be long before she will earn the attention and respect of her coach and team and a place on varsity.

Best to your daughter for a great season!

J. F.

I've got a problem with people making up rules on the fly.
People try their best to live up to the rules and the bleeping things change - it makes people feel set up.
If your daughter doesn't show up she has to earn her place but if the upper class-men don't show up their place gets handed to them on a silver platter?
Maybe things have changed in the many years since I've been to school but it use to be you could only be in varsity if you were in 11th or 12th grade.
If your daughter says 'No, I earned my varsity spot and I'm not giving it up' will the coach take it out on her later?

I agree with the majority, she needs to address this with her coach, not you or dad. This is great tools for her to learn, plus she will be more respected.
I understand as a parent you want to jump in there and say how unfair it is to your child, but she will be better in the long run.

This is between her and the coach. Encourage her to talk to him if she is concerned. You shouldn't become involved at all.

Hi, this is a good opportunity to help your child become a problem solver. You first have to decide who owns the problem. To decide this, you ask yourself 3 questions:1. Are my rights being violated? 2. Will there be harm to a person or property? 3. Is my child too young to handle this problem?

I would say that the answer is no to all 3 questions, so your child owns the problem. You can help teach your child to problem solve by using reflective listening and having her brainstorm possible solutions. You do not participate in the brainstorming-only listen. After she gives you some ideas, you can consider them together. Remember, this problem belongs to the child and she will ultimately be responsible for carrying out the solution and live with the consequences of her choice.

Hope this helps in future.

Let it go, you don't want coach to hold a grudge.

I like Mel's advice.

You could use this as a very effective teaching moment. Let her know you think she's doing well and you'd like her to practice with you on how to approach situations when you need to talk to an authority figure.

"Honey, you're doing really well and it was nice of you to let the older kids have your place in the meet. I'd like to help you work on some skills, if you'll bear with me this might be fun!"

When your coach comes up and asks you if you'll move aside to let someone who didn't do as well as you to race it might help if you asked him if there's anything you are doing wrong and if so can he help you work on it. SO let's practice how that conversation might go. I'll by you and you be coach".

Coach:

"Hey kid, I need you to let Mary and Jenny race on the varsity for this race".

Kid (mom).

Figure out beforehand how to ask this question where it's both showing him the proper respect but also sort of putting him in the hot seat because he's not giving her the proper respect and following his rules.

"Well Coach, I thought I did okay, is it something I did wrong? Is it something I can work on so that when I do place well again I'll get to race in the right position? What can I do to be better and not have to move back to JV"?

Coach

"Um, well, um, I think you did a fine job but Mary and Jenny are older and they won't be able to race after this season and they'll be gone next year"..blah blah blah

Then turn the tables and let her be the kid and you be the coach.

Practicing several times until she's confident she won't freeze up and stutter and hang her head and say "okay" without getting to get some input is the goal.

I would let it go. Let your husband talk to the coach if he feels so inclined.

oh, i'm so happy to see that you backed off, and that it had such a great outcome!
good for your daughter, and good for you!
:) khairete
S.