Hi Moms! Sorry in advance that this is so long. I normally do not prefer to air out my marital problems on here, because I think those issues are very personal. However, my husband and I are at a crossroads and I feel as though I'm barely hanging on. Here's the deal: we are 27 years old, we've been together for 12 1/2 years and married almost 8 years. We have two little girls, ages 7 and 4. I work full time during the day and my husband was laid off of his job last September and we agreed, together, that he would go to school full time and take care of our youngest so that we could save on daycare costs while he dedicates himself to school. He is working towards his engineering degree, and has about 2 1/2 years left to graduate.
Starting almost immediately, I didn't feel that he was keeping up his end of the bargain. His first semester, after nearly flunking two of his classes, he dropped both and was going to school only a few hours a week. In that time, the house constantly stayed messy even though he was home almost all the time to clean it. He would sit my younger daughter in front of the TV all day while he did whatever it was he wanted to do. He hardly studied for his remaining two classes, if at all.
During this time, we had our first big fight over the matter. After observing this behavior for over a month I had had enough. I told him that it wasn’t fair of him to expect me to support him and the family and all the bills AND pay for his school out of my pocket while he wasn’t doing what was necessary to, a.) pass his classes and b.) take care of the children & home. I was feeling horribly insecure because I felt as though, as a family, we were sacrificing to work towards his degree that would ultimately result in better opportunities for all of us.
He was very understanding and agreeable, and vowed to make changes. His ‘changes’ lasted less than 24 hours. We fought about the same issue probably two more times last semester, with the same results, the same promises for change. Then, Christmas came, and there was a break from school, and things calmed down for a bit. I figured he would re-dedicate this semester but almost immediately after this semester started, I realized that that would not be the case. He has already flunked multiple tests, missed homework assignments, turned items in late, failed to keep up with required reading, and the list goes on and on. It is only a month into this semester and we have already had three big fights about this same issue. It has become a script of sorts, and I am completely exhausted.
In my opinion, we made an agreement. We agreed that he would go to school, dedicate himself to that and to our daughter (our other daughter is in school during the day), and as many domestic responsibilities as are feasible while remaining focused on school. In exchange, I would burden the financial responsibility and contribute to domestic responsibilities nights and weekends. Clearly we have a breach of agreement.
The problem is, we have a blame game. Am I putting too many responsibilities on him? He says most definitely yes. My male friends say ‘yes’. My female friends say ‘no’. My school-going friends say that I am not truly supporting him the way I told him I would.
To that I say, how can I support someone who isn’t putting forth the basic effort to support themselves?
Moms, I need any feedback that you can give because I do love my husband and I do want us to work this out.
Thanks for all of your advice, Moms. I spoke to him seriously about it and he said that he feels that, with more focus on time management, he can make this happen, so I gave him my support and a time limit. If, by the end of this semester, he is not doing well, I won't be putting another dollar into this endeavor.
My very first thought in reading all of this is that he ins't completely dedicated to the career path he has chosen. Have you guys discussed his reasons for not keeping up with his school work?
If he isn't dedicated to studying and passing his exams, you might as well be throwing the money out the window.
So he should forget school and becoming engineer. It's a competitive field and there are plenty who have their degree and passed with glowing grades / GPA's that are having a hard time staying employed. He might have the dream, but he's not going to make it without the drive to succeed.
You are effectively living a single parents life and he's not even working out as day care. I hate to say it but without him, you wouldn't have him dragging you down while he's doing nothing but throwing the hard earned money away.
So what should he do? Get a job, any job and help support his family any way he can. He needs to step up and be a man.
You are not his mother - it is not your job to raise him, and he needs to quit acting like a teenager. He's a husband and father and he need to get off his behind. Serving fries, busing tables, stocking shelves, hauling trash - what ever it takes to bring the money in and help support his family.
As for friends opinions - they are not paying the bills nor footing his tuition - they don't get a say in this.
Obtaining an Engineering degree takes a lot of dedication and hard work. Did he know that going in? I’m assuming he aced math in school. Have you two had a real serious talk about the career path he has chosen? Maybe it’s a lot harder than he thought, and he it is starting to spill over and affect his self esteem. Thus, the reason why he is not motivated to help at home and just sits your daughter in front of the T.V. all day.
What you really need to do is not wait until it’s all boiled up inside you. Talk to him with love and patience and figure out what the root of the problem is. You really need to be forthcoming about how you feel you are being taken for granted. Tell him how you feel about the fact he does not interact with his daughter more. Tell him that he needs to think about her needs as well as he is the main car giver and having the greatest impact on her. Here is a wonderful opportunity for him to bond with his daughter!
If it turns out that he has just lost all hope because he has been out of work for so long (that would be hard on anyone’s ego) then maybe he needs to see a counselor?
Also repeat to him what you said to us "I do love my husband and I do want us to work this out."
I'm not surprised about the part about not taking care of the house or your daughter. I AM surprised about the school bit.
You have no business giving him school money anymore. Tell him the school money is gone. I would remove the money from your joint account, and spend the school money getting preschool for your youngest so she isn't watching TV all day. With no money to spend and nothing to do, hopefully your husband will go find a job. If he doesn't, you know where you two are in the crossroads.
Good luck, N.,
Dawn
I would suggest having a talk with him, this time about him quitting school and getting a job. Some people are not made for college, no shame in that. He's obviously one of them.
Sweetly tell him that you've noticed he's struggling in school and that this arrangement has a put a big strain on the family. Talk to him about solutions. You guys tried it and it didn't work, time to try something else before your marriage gets ruined.
Best case scenario with the current arrangement is that you'll continue to fight for the next 3 years but he will get his degree. Then he'll get a good paying job and leave you because he's no longer "in love with you" after all the fighting and resentment for the past 4 years.
Not everyone is made for college. Our society's sudden idea that EVERYONE must go to college is actually behind many problems because not everyone belongs there. Your husband could go through some other type of training that would prepare him for good jobs with good salaries instead of college. He's a grown man who is acting like an immature college freshman in regards to his studies at this point. I fail to see where you're putting too much pressure on him. He's simply caring for his child and going to school, so what's the big deal? Many, MANY people do both of those things AND work full or part time on top of it. The fact that he's basically wasting your (and I mean that collectively as a family) money and time by not doing well in school means he needs to stop. He needs to really think about what it is he wants to do and find out how to get there. If it does involve a college degree, then he's going to have to buckle down and get it -and that means that he MUST do the work and pass his classes. Just talk to him and tell him that the current situation is only causing problems and ask him how he plans to solve it. Let him know exactly what is acceptable and unacceptable to you and go from there. Don't stay on this path though!
Does he say WHY he's not doing his schoolwork?
I'm currently going back to school, and I must say that I've discovered that many people in my classes don't do their work. And at my advanced :) age it makes me crazy. I'm so tired of seeing young people waste their time and take up valuable class space in impacted classes, and then drop out of the class halfway through the semester.
In most cases, if a person of average intelligence does the required classwork, they should get at least a C. D's and F's mean they are not doing ANYTHING.
I don't think your husband has an excuse, especially if he's putting your daughter in front of the tv and also has two days to focus on school.
You are reasonably annoyed.
That said, you two started all this quite young, and have had a heavy burden placed on you before you had much of a chance to discover who you were as individuals. But your husband is in it now, and he has two daughters and a wife depending on him.
Good luck motivating him.
p.s. Based on another response I just read -- one or two classes will make this process take FOREVER. If he's not employed, he should be at least taking FOUR classes. I took three last semester and easily kept up a home with kids.
OR, he could get a job and then take one or two classes.
My initial reaction was, wow! He's a full time student in a very technical field and taking care of kids and taking care of a house? Engineering is no easy feat. Does he have sufficient, quiet time to study? Most schools estimate students should be studying 2 hours a week for every credit hour they are taking. If he's taking 15 credits, he should be studying 30 hours a week. That doesn't leave much time for the kids or the housework.
It might be worth reevaluating how much is realistic.
I think it is time for a little tough love and a serious conversation. I don't want you to think I am making excuses for your husband because he really should be able to look at the situation and see that it isn't working but he may need a little coaxing to get there. For some people it is very difficult to transition home life to home work, if you know what I mean. If home was always the place to relax and now he has to take care of a child and the home it might not be that easy for him. He will have to try harder. You need to tell him that you cannot continue to hemorrhage money towards college tuition if he cannot pass his classes. Rather than putting it that way, though, you might want to gently approach with something along the lines of I know college can be difficult and when you add to that the added responsibility of raising a child and keeping up with the house work it might not be feasible. Maybe you could cut your coursework to part time, then I *know* you could keep up with everything (be encouraging but firm). Also ask him if he wants to continue with the engineering degree or if he has discovered that he does not enjoy it and would like to change majors. Good luck.
I also wanted to add that my dad has been an engineer with the same company for nearly 30 years. His job is being sent to China early next year. If he isn't going to be at the top of his class he can pretty much kiss a lot of opportunities goodbye. A college degree doesn't equal a job anymore.
It sounds like he has plenty of time to be more successful at school. Maybe school isn't his thing. Maybe it's time to renegotiate--does he want to go back to work? I know many people who work full-time and go to school full-time and have kids, so it sounds like he has it pretty easy! It sounds like he doesn't really want to be in school--if that's the case, don't waste your money.
I think you're both right. He DID break the agreement, but you ARE putting too much on him. Ask him how he would feel in *your* shoes? Would he want to be spending money on school where you weren't putting forth an effort? Would he want to come home from a full day of work and have to pick up and clean the whole house?
On the flip side, I can only guess how hard it is to go to school and care for a child. Granted, it doesn't sound like he's really trying to do either WELL, but it sounds a little like he may be depressed.
I think you need to approach him with kindness and respect for his feelings. DON'T accuse him of breaking an agreement or being lazy, but ask him how he's feeling about the agreement and what needs to change so he can focus on school.
Too many times we tend to lump our husbands into the kids/house/work 'to be done and taken care of' list and forget that they're fully capable of handling things just as well as we are. Give him a chance to bring something to the table and listen to his suggestions. He's your partner in your marriage, parenting and life....treat him as such :o)
His further education sounds like a bad investment to me. I think it may be time for him to set aside his dreams of a degree and get a j-o-b.
I would suggest, as others have, that he drop down to one or two classes. Was he passing the courses when he was in school the first 1 1/2 years? There are always night courses, unless he is into his major courses. Could he work during the day- you put your daughter with someone else (I hate day cares by the way ;) or he could stay home and take his course work at night, or HE could work at night.
I understand your frustration, but some guys (most that I know) are not good fathers. I know that there are plenty of women out there that will say that their husbands are perfect, but I have a friend who has 2 children (one in kindergarten now) and she is going to nursing school full time, working part time and still figuring out alternatives to having her husband (who works) watch the children, because he just isn't capable of it.
I would suggest cutting the cable. It would save you money, give your husband no excuse to not watch the baby. I would also get rid of any video gaming devices :) If he was capable of schooling before, he is capable of it now.
Perhaps have him meet with his adviser and see if there is something else he can get without the engineering courses. I did that with my daughter's father. He had dropped out when he got divorced (before I met him) and when we started dating I told him, if he wanted to get married then he would have to finish his degree before I would marry him. He worked FT and took one class a semester. He had 160 credits, but what he was working toward wasn't feasible. So we met with his adviser and found that he could obtain a degree with 9 classes (not the degree he wanted, but a degree non the less (and it was aerospace maintenance management). I was able to find a class he took that could be substituted, so he was down to 8 classes, he took one. he was down to 7. Then I got pregnant, he flipped out, and I ended up leaving : / but the point is...maybe if he is taking one or two classes a semester, and you can find an alternative major, he can get out quick. A degree is better than nothing, regardless of what the degree is, right? Have you noticed whether it is a type of class, maybe he is poor in English...see if he can find tutors. Do you have family that is around that are willing to watch the children while he studies?
My dad worked fulltime and went to night school when my sibs were little (there are 5 of us and at the time, the 2 were born & under the age of 3). My mom was a SAHM.
So, yes it's very possible to put in a full day as a SAH-dad and still do his school work (what my dad did was, he got home from work, unwound for 20-30 min with the kids, then have dinner, then he'd spend the rest of the night in his tiny study, under the stairs, working on homework & projects, etc.
And in terms of what you should try, I think "mifamilia5 U."'s post is right on.... and if he can't pull himself together after that, well, it's time for counseling, and if he won't it's probably time for you to separate at least for a while till he rethinks his priorities.
my FIRST thoughts here is: he's not taking classes he WANTS to take or this is something he REALLY DOES NOT WANT.
Sit down CALMLY and ask him WHAT HE WANTS TO DO WITH HIS LIFE - this isn't about YOU right now - this is about what HE WANTS. It is MY OPINION that the ONLY reasons people truly fail school is because their heart is NOT in it AND they are not being challenged. That's what makes me think - this isn't what he wants to do.
Any conversation you have with him has to be I FEEL. I AM HURT. I AM - not YOU DID THIS...this will ONLY put up walls and defenses - so it will not be a positive conversation.
Yes, you have every right to be upset. You made a contract/deal with your husband and he's not keeping his end of the deal. One thing I am getting is that money in your family is a touchy subject - it's MY money, not OUR money. Whether you are working or not - seriously - you are sharing - you are partners....what needs to happen is for you guys to find a happy medium in which both of you are happy and the family flourishes. THAT should be the goal (again MY opinion!!) but in order to make that happen, you need to stop accusing each other of things and find out just what the other wants to do - re-write the contract - but make sure that everyone is happy with it - you negotiate with your friends about things - your marriage is the same way - it's a more intimate relationship - but you still need to negotiate things!
IF he is studying, then he can "work" with your 4 year old - I would love to do my homework around my kids - it's good for them to see you actively doing something like that. In fact - if he has to draw something - maybe she can help him - sitting her in front of the TV is NOT taking care of her.
When it comes to house work - well, I'm saying IF he's studying and passes classes - then he shouldn't be doing all that much - he SHOULD be able to do the laundry and start dinner. This is MY opinion - but if he just wants to be a SAHD - then he needs to drop school - stop wasting the money and focusing on the house and family. If he WANTS school - then he needs to stand up and pass the courses instead of wasting money and failing. it doesn't help ANYONE.
What are you willing to do to help him?
What is HIS goal?
What career path does he truly want to go down?
Can your income sustain the family?
Does he just want to be a SAHD?
Can you afford a cleaning service to come in every two weeks to clean IF he has decided to reapply himself to school?
What do YOU want to happen?
Make a list of YOUR expectations - then have him do the same. See where there is agreement and where you can make compromises so that you don't have to fight/argue over this.
If he is going to put that kind of zero to miminal effort into school, you are throwing your money away. Either the work is beyond what he can do, or he's unmotivated. Either way, the first thing I would do is have a converstaion with him about college. Tell you can see the school thing isn't working out, for whatever reason, it's not obviously not a fit for him. And tell him you are OK with that. He must be miserable, so it's time to quit, before your family spends any more money on tuition. The key is to be supportive, not condescending. You are a team. Encourage him to find a job now instead of going to school, any job that makes him happy. If he balks at that remind him that the competition for engineering jobs will be intense, and you're concerned he won't be marketable with barely passing grades. Let him think on that awhile. Hopefully if he doesn't agree with you right away, he will soon see the light after some thought, knowing he has your support (not shame and disappointment) in taking a different direction.
