Concern

Yes, please run to the counselor. I would be mad and concerned all at the same time. He's kissing his 3 year old sister, what will he do to her next? Make an appointment TODAY

It seems like there are two possibilities, and they happen to occur at opposite ends of a continuum. It IS possible that your son was molested and that he's acting out inappropriate behavior. It's just as possible that he's got some natural curiosity and is wholly innocent about why his actions would be considered inappropriate. I know it's unbelievably hard, but I would recommend acknowledging that you just don't know.

And, I would recommend counseling either way.

Good counseling does no harm. Kids often perceive it as a form of play, and if nothing else, it will help him be comfortable expressing his feelings, which will be a lifelong benefit. But, on the terrible chance that something did happen, he really, really needs it.

I do recommend choosing a counselor carefully. Try asking your pediatrician's office, or his school, for a confidential referral. But think of it as an insurance policy, or a benefit either way.

hm. many many kids are curious (they see WAY more than we give 'em credit for) and want to explore.
of course, we head this off, parent carefully, and explain to a child who is curious about unchildlike things that they have to wait until they're grown up to explore further. we use age appropriate language to do this.
i don't think hitting or shaming him is appropriate.
his dad can be very firm and stern without making him feel like a pervert or hitting him. he's just a little boy, and he doesn't understand why he has sexual feelings (yes, those of you who are hyperventilating, children do.)
i don't think the answer lies in either hitting him, or never leaving him unsupervised. children need privacy and solitude just as much as adults do.
a counselor is a good idea, as it will give both you and his dad better tools to deal with this, and to handle any repercussions from the fear and shame he now feels.
khairete
S.

Not that you asked but you really should talk to your husband about spanking a 9 year old. That in my opinion is way worse than kissing his sister. Was his dad purposefully trying to humiliate your son?

I totally think his father overreacted and if you guys don't get into agreement things could get bad for your little guy. I think the first thing to do when walking up on kids in a moment like this would be to say very calmly 'hey there, what are you guys doing?' And see what the answer is. I say this because I walked in on my almost six yr old and three yr old in the tub mouths open, flicking each other's tongues, what to an adult could look like an erotic French kiss. I paused and said 'hey guys, what's going on?' They started giggling and said 'we're switching voices!!' They had seen an episode of Fresh Beat Band where the characters had changed voices, so they decided to change their voices :). So you may want to talk to your ex about how to approach the situation. I believe with kids always ask questions first. Your son may still have no real clue why he got spanked. I think sometimes in blended families this is harder. My husband had this happen once, his half sister was in her bed naked and he was swinging on the door frame telling her to put some clothes on, his step dad saw the scene differently, snatched up my hubby and spanked him, when my hubby had done nothing. It took him years to forgive him for that one. So I say have a heart to heart about all this with his dad and maybe see if you guys can agree to approach these things with questions first. Good luck!!

You need to get him to a counselor. Right NOW. If you don't, he'll be doing this as a teen and he could end up in juvie.

It's important for a professional to work with him. You and your family don't know how to properly handle it. You aren't professionals, so you aren't supposed to know! PLEASE take the bull by the horns on this. Don't let this man just wish the behavior away.

Wait a minute, am I missing something here? Since when is kissing your sister wrong? Maybe he loves her.

Unless this was some really long, prolonged kiss, involving a tongue, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. Maybe he's just really affectionate.

How sad that you punish him. If the kiss was highly inappropriate, spanking him is still not the answer. Spanking him for this is going to create a seriously troubled child when he gets older. If you are sure this is sexual, you might try family counseling. But stop all the spanking.

I completely agree with Marda.

1000 flowers to Marda.
Also, one thing we parents sometimes forget is that step siblings understand that they are only related by marriage. The taboo surrounding more intimate activity in siblings often does not translate to those not blood related in the brains of children and adolescents. I suggest this was a child experimenting, albeit inappropriately, with something he was curious about, nothing more. The little "sister" seemed safe to him because she is both family, and NOT family. And unless it was more than you say here, he was doing something I have known MANY kids of that age to do, the lack of impulse control coupled with simple curiosity seems the most logical explanation.
As adults, we live in a sexualized world, and we have to remember that their world is not like this. He hasn't even hit puberty yet, we have to look at it from his point of view, not muddy the waters with our own perceptions of what kissing means to adults.
The spanking really bothers me, I could not allow that, but I'm not in your shoes either, so I see how that would have to be put aside to deal with more important issues. Yes, see a counselor and let him work out his feelings about it with that person.

Yes, seek help. Counselling, and even a psychiatrist. This needs some intervention.

The 9 yr old should know to keep his hands/feet/lips/body parts to himself.
Most 9 yr olds think 3 yr olds are sticky and kind of gross.
He needs some sport to keep him busy and out of trouble..
Sign him up for taekwondo.

First, I am curious why your son was made to apologize to you and his step-mother? That seems odd. He didn't do anything to either of you. He should have (in my opinion) been told to apologize to his 1/2 sister.

Other than that, you need to get to the root of this behavior. Wait til things settle down and have a "sit down" with him and discuss this behavior in a calm and non-judgmental way. The worst thing to do is make him feel like he's a bad person, doing horrible things. There's a possibility he's learned this behavior from others. If your momma senses go off while you're talking with him, you need to get him to some sort of counselor. I'm not saying anything has happened to him or that he's done anything else, but momma senses are usually right on target.

Also, I think you're doing great by asking for advice.

Perhaps you can start your conversation with letting him know you love him and are not mad and ask him why he kissed her the way he did? Be sure to be patient and listen. Kids don't like being put under the "interrogation spot light" and will become defensive or just shut down completely.

Best of luck!!

L.

What's jumped out at me is that you "watch him like a hawk" and dad is more permissive and laid back.

It could be that he is just curious. He sees the kissing on tv when he stays with dad and he's curious. I clearly remember asking my dad to "kiss me like they do in the movies." I was curious as well. Of course, he didn't, but had I had a younger (or even older brother), I might have asked them to do that.

I truly think it's normal curiosity. I also think, however, that you should relax your grip on him a bit. Too much hovering and not enough real life experience can cause him to get in much more serious trouble later when he's curious about other things.

Has anyone asked him why? very important to do so....then ask him if he thought that was ok...etc....good luck