Conflicted Parenting

This is hard to advise not knowing an example of what you are referring to. He could be a little more stern than you like but more dead on since you admit you are compensating for what you see as too hard on her, can you update with some examples, so we can give a more educated opinion?

Look at one of my posts regarding my 17 year old son. This is a result of the exact same type of parenting we did on him. My husband is authoritarian (because I said so!) and had trouble showing affection, especially to our first born. My son is a very talented musician. My husband never understood that and forbid any band practices in our home, plus he told my son he was wasting his time with music and blamed every mistake he made on his passion. Granted, 16-7 year old's can have "illusions of grandeur" when it comes to what they will be when they grow up. I could go on and on on what I now see as the cause for my son leaving. I was authoritative, which means rules with reasoning and communication. I tried to compromise music time with grades and chores. I tried to get more reality into his plans of the future, putting college on the map with a carrer in music. I slowly turned into a bit permissive when I had to balance out my husband's lack of compromising and trying to prove me and my son wrong and him right no matter what. At 17, my son left the house after an ultimatum from me to follow house rules. I know we both failed him. I know we did not give him the discipline and guidance he needed and deserved. All I can do now is hope that what we did give him keeps him safe, out of trouble and successful in life. My husband would never seek out help from professionals. Don't let time pass by before you can both learn how to balance out your differences and not hurt your daughter. Good luck.

Have you tried a parenting coach? It is common to have a pre-set style of parenting that usually comes from how you were raised. It's also tough to listen to your spouse on parenting advice; the first that pops into your head is "why do you think you know more than me? You're no more experienced at this that I am" - but a parenting coach can be a good neutral starting point for both of you, and it may not be expensive. Ask you pediatrician, look for local parenting paper (at day cares, etc.), or ask your child's school for advice.

I wish i could remember - but I think it was Baby Center that had surveys to determine parenting styles and then ideas to help the partent work together. If I can find it I will update this.

What is important is that it is alright for you to have different styles. WHat you should do is set general ground rules between you and your husband regarding discipline - so you can define what is or is not acceptable - spanking / yelling etc. And make sure you both understand what works for your daughter.

Example - my daughter is 2 /12 and would sometimes whine when she wanted something - I would get down to her height and tell her that I want to help her but she needs to speak so I can understand. She then stops whining - my husband orignally would just stay where he was chiar/ sofa and then speak loudly at her to stop whining and tell him what she wanted - she would then start to cry, he would yell and it would go down hill from there. Now he knows to get down to her level to communicate or at least somehow let her know that he is paying attention - result she whines a lot less (almost never)

Point being that we spoke about it and determined what the best way to handle it was - still differently - he does not get on the floor or picker her up - but both with the same result.

Maybe you guys should read books or attend a class together to help find a middle ground. Be partners in this! He needs to see the value in being partners in this also! Don't stop trying to talk to him about it. Keep going over and over again until this is resolved.

I think it's fair to say everything you put in your message to your husband. If it still falls on deaf ears and is truly impacting your marriage, I'd seriously suggest counseling.

Some parts of parenting are instinctive, other parts are learned, and most is trial/error. I know what I don't want my children to become, and I try to parent to that. My sisters and I were all parented pretty much the same, and we're all completely different people now but have similar values for the most part. However, we're each different at parenting, and my sisters are both in the same situation as you - but they have husbands who are more lenient and don't parent as authoritatively.

Perhaps if you could help us with why you believe your husband is too harsh on her, it would make it easier to offer you advice. It may be that your perception of his parenting is much harsher than it actually is to a broader audience.

Good luck.

People tend to base their parenting styles on the patterns their parents established with them when they were small and dependent, figuring they turned out okay. Or they'll sometimes adopt an opposite style, if they were extremely unhappy with the parenting they received. Either way, this is so deeply ingrained that we seldom find cause to question it.

But it's also true that men often like their choices to be based on facts, so why not get a good book on Emotion Coaching and read it for yourself (an excellent one is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman). In conversations with your husband, casually mention information about the studies showing that kids who are raised empathetically are more physically healthy and emotionally resilient, less affected by stress, perform better academically, have better relationships, and are less likely to develop behavior problems. If you're not challenging him directly, your husband may be able to take in and process that information, allowing him the chance to try something new when nobody's watching.

Another way to approach the problem is to establish a relationship with your daughter that is clearly authoritative, yet still kind. This would gradually show your husband that empathetic parenting gets good results, and if you are incorporating empathy, your daughter will handle her dad's harshness better – AND probably make it less "necessary" (from his point of view) for him to come down hard on her.

A fabulous resource for authoritative parenting (as opposed to authoritarian) is another extremely practical and easy-to-implement book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I use these gentle techniques with my grandson, now 4.5 years old, and he seldom finds cause to resist my authority – or do anything but cheerfully cooperate. The trick is learning how to appeal to a child's need for some control and respect – and this book teaches you exactly how to accomplish that magic.

You kind of answered your own question, you said she listens to he dad, but not you, so who's discipline and who's way is working? I have 3 grown children, my husband was the main disciplinary in our home, and head of the family. Like any mom i felt he was to hard on the kids but he (never yelled) our children like your daughter listened to him better than me, even now our dog listens to him better than me. LOL Our 3 grown kids are so grateful for the discipline and their dads way of raising and teaching them the behavior and the respect that children are supposed to have, My 21 year old daughter even says when she get married she wants a man like her dad. Until your kids are grown you won't really know if they way you are doing things is the right way, if he is strict, but still plays with her, reads her bedtime stories, will sit down and watch a disney movie with her, my husband did all of this stuff, don't fight with him, if it's ruining your marriage it;s because you are not respecting the leadership role of your husband. My husband and I talked about everything, before we started trying to get pregnant, i was against spanking, he wasn't, so the comprimise was 2 swats on the but, no more, and I got to tell you that it was a very rear thing if my husband had to swat them for the same thing more than once, and he picked his battles, he did not swat for everything. Relax you may one day be pleasingly surprised about how great your kids tum out, mine turned out awesome. I read a couple other posts, NO BOOKS. Books are just someone elses opinions on paper. J.

Just guessing, but what if he is overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start, or how to play with her?

There's a great parenting website, handinhandparenting.org, that likes parents to do what they call "special time" where the parent does child led play for about 30 minutes. Dad would just have to focus on her and follow her lead. It is very beneficial.

mmmm. If you want to learn about different parenting styles, Barabara Coloroso's "Kids are Worth It" basically shows events from too-strict, too-lenient and in-the-middle parents. (she votes for the middle ground, btw) and then gives lots of examples on how you can apply her principles. Its a GREAT read.

See if you can find a local API parenting group. Our local one has a wide range of personalities and several that are well read on the latest parenting books and can give wonderful advice -- and commiseration. API stands for Attachment Parenting and there is a list of values, but there is NO WAY that everyone goes with all the list. You can have different opinions and are still welcome.

Congratulations for looking for a solution. It can be really tough!

I would watch the video "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn, together. It goes completely against conventional discipline, but in a good way. Ask your husband to try it with your daughter for one month.

Other good books are The Science of Parenting by Sunderland, and The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears, and Baby Hearts. The important thing is to get your husband and you doing the same thing, which can be outlined by experts more easily. Also, I read once that doing anything to a child that is not nurturing is abusive. At first I thought that was a bit extreme, then when I thought it over, I realized, why not? Why should I be anything but nurturing to a child? I carry that phrase around with me, it really changed my perspective. Children's minds are very different than adults and are still developing, so they need a lot of nurturing and support.