Crib to Bed Sleeping Issues

I have a 2 year old that is now in a bed and I started by sitting next to her while she is laying down and I either rub her back or her brow until she is either almost asleep or completely out. It takes time but it works, some nights I will find her sleeping on the floor near the door to her room. But then I jus put her back in bed.

Hi J.
It sounds to me as he doesn't know what to do with all this extra space he has now. I would try to make him a little nest in his bed so he feels safe and secure again (roll blakents up and stick them next to him) T.

I had the same problem with my oldest son. My ex was deployed to Saudi at the time, and I got into the habit of sitting with my son until he fell asleep or even letting him fall asleep in my bed and then carrying him to his.

Needless to say eventually he wouldn't sleep unless I was with him. It took several nights of CIO to get him to sleep in his own bed, during which my father (we were living with him at the time) would staunchly refuse to let me go comfort him. After a few nights the crying stopped and he'd happily go to sleep on his own after a bedtime story.

I've seen other advice regarding how to wean children off needing mom/dad to sleep, and it often involves a set number of "comfort" visits per night, consistently, with a decreasing amount of interaction until you're simply going in, patting their back or tucking them in and then leaving. I don't know if that works or not, but I'm guessing for some people it does.

Do what you're comfortable with doing. You may have to try a few different things. It is really hard to let them CIO - I couldn't have done it if my father hadn't been there to keep me sitting in my chair. :-) I'm glad he did, but still...it was rough.

We had the same issue with our first, right around the same age. I know it sounds mean, but we put a gate on the door and left the door open. After a couple nights, she stayed in her bed because she did not like the gate on the door. I felt better about the gate than closing the door. I have afriend that started laying down with her son, and now he's four and she still spends many evenings trying to get him to sleep. My girls now both just lie down and go to sleep at ages 3 1/2 and 2. I have read that if your child climbs over the gate, you can put one above the other in the doorway. Good Luck!

***REVISED***
We just went through this with my now 18-month-old. It took WEEKS for him to finally start going to sleep by himself and sleeping normally. My husband and I had the exact same disagreement and you two. I won and things worked themselves out. He started going to sleep by himself after 3 or 4 weeks and sleeping through the night (or putting himself back to sleep if he woke up) after 5 or 6 weeks. It was a long process but it's going really well now. Just be consistent, even when he screams and kicks.

P.S. The fits only lasted maybe a week after I put my foot down. We had a couple weeks before that where we tried different methods. Crying it out was the only thing that really worked. Naps got easier almost immediately. Night time was harder because Daddy was home.
Lying down with our kids ALWAYS backfires on us. Sure, it helps in the short run, but it causes some serious long-term issues and makes us miserable in the process. It's healthy for children to learn how to sleep on their own, and it's healthy for parents to be able put the kids to bed and have some alone time.

I totally understand what you are going through. I stressed with my first baby. I was so afraid of starting bad habits. I was alot more relaxed with my second child and things went much smoother. If I were you I would lie down with him until he falls asleep. After doing this for awhile lie down with him until he is about to fall asleep and let him know you will be back to check on him. After awhile he will fall asleep on his own. He just needs the security of you being there. Just do what you feel comfortable with. Don't worry about the bad habits. It all works out in the end. Try to relax and enjoy putting him down. They grow up sooo fast. Good luck

We had some of the same issues with our son when we tried switching him to a big boy bed. WE ended up seeing a sleep specialist and she suggested putting him back in the crib. She said to buy a crib tent (you can get them at Babies 'r us) and to call it a big boy camping bed. We were skeptical at first, but it has solved all of his sleep issues (naptime and bedtime). She also said that they suggest that you keep your child in a crib until they're 29 months old. Hope this helps.

Hey J.,

We had the same issues with two of our kids and one was totally different than the other. Our son screamed like we were hurting him when we tried to leave him alone in his bed and our daughter was fine. We did end up laying with my son but it didn't last "that" long. I think you have to look at each child's needs.

Good Luck!!

L.

Your husband is right. However, why not get him relaxed and SMART at the same time?

A 21 month old is old enough to picture stories in his head. Pick out a good chapter book like Winnie the Pooh or Charlotte's Web and read to him as he falls asleep. He will fall asleep long before you or your husband get bored reading the book...

Now you will have a baby who gets cuddled, goes to sleep and gets smart all in one small half hour a night.

Bonus: he will look forward to bed time instead of resisting it as he looks forward to finding out what happens next to his new storybook friends.

Warning: This does not work with picture books, as they are mostly geared to keeping kids entertained. Don't show him the pictures - he will be making them in his head.

Good for you being on top of this and not wanting to see bad habits start. I put one child in a toddler bed at this age or a little younger and found that it was a serious mistake. He couldn't understand why he couldn't just get up when ever he wanted.

If you haven't put the crib away, I would put him back in it but with the gate down so that climbing out won't hurt him, but he still senses the boundaries of the crib and knows that it is a place to sleep. If you have put the crib down, try putting up one of those railings that they have for toddler beds.

The most important thing is consistency so come to some kind of compromise that you and your husband will abide by and do it every time. Eventually, your son will understand that you mean business if it is the same routine every night. I like the Super Nanny approach to this issue. Just put him back in bed without any fanfare.

Believe it or not, there will come a day when you will be trying to figure out how to get your teenage boy out of bed!

My oldest son always went to sleep on his own. Even when he went from crib to bed, there was no issue. My next child, my only daughter, never wanted to sleep. Even when she was a baby I would hold her while I feed her the last bottle for the night then clean her gums and put her in her bed. She learned "no" really fast when I would put her down for the night. It helped a lot to rock her and relax her first. When she moved into the bed, she wouldn't stay in there so then the rule was that you had to stay in bed but you didn't have to go right to sleep, you could look at books (no playing)until you are tired. This helped a lot too. I also would lay with her and rub her back until she fell asleep. My youngest wanted rocked. He would tell me "rock-a-me" and he would either fall asleep while I rocked him or he would have enough and want to go to bed. Thing is if we go to bed upset or mad, we sleep fitfully. Children are the same way. It is better to go to bed with "happy thoughts". Use your childs imagination. Tell him to think of stories in his head (teach him to day dream) before going to sleep. My mind never seemed to settle down after laying down so without reading something or the daydreaming, I would talk and talk and talk, keeping my sister awake when we were young... and my husband when I got married.

I have to agree with your husband on this. If one of you lay down with him and rub his back to relax him, it will be a much more comfortable sleep then if you let him scream and cry himself to sleep.

J.,

If you are going to lay down with him, just realize that you could be commiting yourself for several years. Let that be a deciding factor.

If your son is throwing a big fit in his room, it is because he knows eventually it will get you back in there. He has the control and the power.

If it was my kid, I would strip the room (toys and books out of reach) tell him good night, shut the door and go to another part of the house where I didn't have to listen to it. Eventually he will quit and learn to go to bed.

You have to be patient with these things. It takes time and things don't always stop immediately. Prepare for at least an hour the first night and expect it to go on for a couple weeks.

Good luck,
S.

Hello J.-
You have gotten a lot of advice. I don't think there is much more to add since you will just have to see what works with your son. Every child is different, you have to do what works for your individual son.
I would just like to add another way of looking at the sleep situation. Try to think of all the new skills that your son is learning as he grows. I like to think of falling asleep and self soothing as another skill your child is trying to master, like walking and talking. When my son was learning how to walk, I held his hand and helped him balance, encouraged him when he took a couple steps. With practice and time he eventually was doing it all by himself. I personally don't feel that it is a 'bad habit' to help your son learn how to sooth himself and fall asleep. I believe laying with him is a way to help model what to do at bedtime.
If my sons are upset and crying during the daytime hours, especially if it stems from fear or frustration with gaining a new skill I certainly don't put them off in another room, close the door and ignore their cries waiting and hoping that they will just 'give up'. I hug them, comfort and encourage them, help them find a solution or keep practicing. The care I give them during the night is no different. Yes, we want our children to be independent and self sufficient but my understanding is when they feel secure and supported they are more confident and better equip to do those things.
Good luck, it will all work out :)
A.

I agree with the person who asked "who says what is a bad habit?" It all depends on what you are willing to do. Figure out (w/hubby) what your limitations are. Try a couple of things to see what your son's needs are going to be-you're only a week into this. It doesn't happen overnight. We would lay with my stepdaughter until she fell asleep, then we would leave when she was almost asleep (after telling her we would do that), then we would leave after laying with her for a few minutes, then we tucked her in and left, then we were able to send her to bed with a hug and kiss and she pretty much put herself to bed. Most nights we do still tuck her in and she still gets a story, etc. but she can put herself to sleep. That's what we have been able to do. Each transition lasted a number of weeks because we only have her every other weekend. If she got up and came in our room, we would walk her back to bed, the usual stuff like that. On the other hand, she mostly still sleeps with her mother and she's six. So, really it's all about how you and your family do things. Take the suggestions and give yourself a break. No need for guilt- do what feels right after giving it some thought on how things may turn out.

Supper Nanny deals with this a lot.

Her technique (this could be from Nanny 911):
1) put him in bed
2) sit on floor close to bed with legs crossed, hands in lap, and head down.
3) If he talks, don't move. Queitly say it's time for sleep or tell him your trying to sleep.
4) when he falls asleep sneek out of the room
5) when he gets out of bed, do all the steps again

Each night move a little closer to the door. When you have moved out of the room, tell him you are "right outside to room" and sit in the hallway.

Lots of people have success with letting them cry it out but it sounds like you (or dad) are looking for a qentle approach. Laying in bed with him will be hard to break if you start.

J. - who's to decide what's a bad habit. Because your son needs a little more comfort at night is that really a bad habit? He has a large bed and it feels really strange to him and perhaps needs a little more comfort to adjust to this change. My son is now 15 years old and taller than his Dad. When he was 2 and 3 years old he often spent a fair amount of time in our bed inbetween my husband and me. He claimed that spot and often would fall asleep in our bed and then my husband would take him to his bed. Or he would wake up in the middle of the night because he wet the bed. Instead of getting up and changing the sheets I would strip him of his wet clothes and stick in the middle of our bed. Now he's 15 and every now and then will jump into our bed and "claim" his spot. It's fabulous to think that every now and then this strapping independent almost has his license young man still likes to be with mom and dad.

Just a different way of thinking...

D.