My 6 year old's dad lives in CT; he hasn't seen her since she was a year old, and last time I spoke with him on the phone was about 3 years ago. That's okay, things are better this way.
However, I just got some insurance information in the mail, and it looks like this should have gone to HIM... but I don't have a current phone number for him, I don't have an address for him, and no one is answering or calling me back at the insurance company.
So I went on Facebook, since last time he had to get in touch with me, he sent me a message on there. I just sent him a message saying 'hey, I think this needed to go to you, get in touch with me'... but then I noticed... both him and his on again/off again girlfriends profile pictures are of a brand new baby.
Does my daughter have ANOTHER half sibling? (She has a 13 year old brother in CT that she's met once; she knows about him)... it certainly looks like they had a baby together... once I find out for sure, do I tell my daughter about this? She only knows about her older 1/2 brother because we had gone to CT for a wedding and stopped in so she could meet her family (she didn't even see her dad). I'm totally out of contact with all of those people now... so if I do find out that yes, she has a younger 1/2 sibling, I feel like it's important she hears it from me before finding out years later through god knows who... or do I wait to tell her? I don't know what to do!!
And while I'm 99% sure that yes, they had a baby together, I want to be 110% sure before I mention this to her.
Before anyone can tell me it's not my business or I still have feelings for this guy, LOL, SOOOOOO NOT THE CASE! It may not be my business, but it's my daughters business, and right now, I'm her only advocate. If she has another 1/2 sibling, that's part of her identity, and I feel very strongly that she needs to know about this eventually.
Let me clarify that she has NO hard feelings about her dad not being in the picture... she never knew him to begin with, only met him twice, so she's not missing out. She only knows my husband as daddy :) She knows her older 1/2 brother lives with him already, and has ZERO interest right now in pursuing any kind of relationship with him. She doesn't want to visit him, and the only time she talks about him is if she has a question about herself (like she has allergies, so she wanted to know if her dad or brother have allergies)... I HIGHLY doubt she would feel crummy about this, seriously...
I'm gonna go against the grain here (as usual) and say after it was verified, I would probably find a way to incorporate the info into some conversation. Just cuz if you wait til she's older then it'll be like, uh, you've known AALLLL this time and you DIDN'T TELL ME?!
Plus, she'll likely take it all in stride, unless YOU makes a big fuss about it.
I can't believe he found ANOTHER woman who agreed to sleep with him, sorry. Bleck.
:(
I agree with Lynn M. and Theresa. Yes, she should know.
I would speak to her father first. Then say something like "I noticed a picture of a baby, are congratulations in order?" If he says yes, ask him for the pertinent info such as boy/girl, name and birthdate and clearly say "so I can tell Suzy about her brother/sister". Also, ask him for a picture of her siblings for Suzy to have.
R.:
Unless you know 100% for sure, don't tell her anything. No sense in confusing her.
it's sad that her bio dad isn't active her life!!
It is only going to make her feel more alienated and left out of his life. Just forget it.
I think that at 6, it's too early to mention this. It's kind of irrelevant to her life right now, and might only induce longing that you wont be able to fulfill.
The best time to tell her, IMO, is either when it comes up naturally in conversation -- the two of you are discussing the subject of bio-dad and siblings, and you say, "I think he has X number of kids, their names are X, etc.", or sometime after she is about 10.
Whatever the case, I think the subject should evolve from her curiosity, but it's not something she just HAS to know about at this point in time.
When it comes up, it should be explored as something positive -- I wonder what they are like, maybe you will meet them some day, etc. -- not like she has missed out by not knowing about them until now.
Keep the conversation light, when you have it. Someday she will probably meet them, and she might love them, or she might never want to see them again as long as she lives. Either way is fine.
p.s. You've handled everything perfectly about bio-dad until now -- I think you will know what to do with this issue. :)
Your daughter is so young and since she doesn't have a relationship with her bio dad I would wait. If you were to say they will be visiting each other a lot then it would be different.
Why cause unnecessary stress for your daughter. Wait until she is older and can understand it better. Maybe when they are both old enough they can decide if they want to meet.
Actually I think it is your business, only as far as your daughter is concerned. On the one hand, I believe she should know simply because everyone should know about their siblings. BUT on the other hand, she might start wondering why her dad is their with that child, but doesn't want to be here with her or even have anything to do with her. I think you will find as she gets older that having a dad who is part of your life is extremely important to girls. It is said that girls who grow up without the love of a father. are premiscuous. My daughter grew up without her father and started having children of her own when she was 16. She now has five. She always wanted a relationship with him but he was an a@@ and she truly suffered. So, the one thing I will tell you is that she won't "forget" about him and if possible, I would try to encourage him to have a relationship with her, even if it is long distance, and that you not interfere in that relationship.
I think it depends on her age. But you're right, she deserves to know at some point so she can decide how she wants to handle the situation.
It's so sad that her own father has totally bailed on her. I'm sure it's for the best like you said, I just don't get how people walk out on their kids!
I would let it go for now. When she gets older and wants to know more about her Dad and his life you can share what you know honestly including if there are siblings. I would let sleeping dogs lie and keep her focused on her life with you and her stepdad. The time will come soon enough when she will ask and perhaps seek out bio dad when she's old and mature enough to handle it.
Hi, R.:
Show her the pictures and remind her
that you are not sure if this is true.
She may want to explore a relationship
when she turns 40 y.o.
Good luck.
D.
i agree she needs to know eventually, but may feel hurt bringing up the fact hes caring for antother child thats not her, and may bring up more emotions about him. I'd say let it go for now. I wouldnt want to risk hurting her and make her feel less impt than this other baby. When my nephew found out at around 7 his biodad who abandonned him had another baby and was actively playing daddy and husband it hurt him very much so, i remember him telling M. he felt like unloved and alone, even though his step dad has been his dad since 3
R.,
I would complete getting in touch with him about the insurance papers and let him tell her that he has a new baby.
EVERY child knows they have a "real" dad out there. Don't assume this isn't on her mind from time to time.....
How old is daughter?
I would wait. I know adults who have found out they have 1/2 siblings they didn't know about. Depending on the situation - they either don't care a wit, or they reach out and build a relationship. Up to them. Six is too young to process what she and you can't control. If there's a reason she will find out, then I would tell her, but only after you are completely sure of the facts.
