Dealing with a Drama Queen...

My gosh how narcissistic of her . . . if I'm ever lucky enough to be a grandma I would never do such a thing.

JMO - hang in there.

My response would have been "I will hold out as long as your grandchild does but then all bets are off...are you going to hold out until after he/she arrives?"

I would also start trying to line up other help since in all probability she will not be the amount of help you first thought.

The stress this is causing is really bad for you and your baby. You don't have to go to every fight you are invited to. You cannot control her, you can only control how you react to her. It isn't just that you are hormonal - it's that you feel rejected by her and you feel like you don't matter enough with her.

I think the post about "you chose to have this baby" is a little on the harsh side - it sounds to me like your MIL originally planned to help you and now is reneging. So that is hurtful. But it sounds like her drama queen antics are not new, so you should be used to them - it stinks, I know, but that's how it has to be. Accept it as her shortcoming, and work around her, not depending on her for any type of support. Asking you to postpone your delivery???!! Yeah, right - babies don't work that way! Just laugh and say "Oh wouldn't it be nice if we could schedule that for a convenient time?" Or blame it on your doctor just as she is (supposedly) following her own doctor's recommendations! Throw up your hands and say "looks like we're in the same boat."

Just make another plan and let your husband tell Mom she's off the hook and needs to focus on her own health, but don't let him plan to help her. He needs to take time off, a friend or neighbor needs to be on deck to help with your toddler, and so on. You and your husband should make some meals ahead of time and freeze them so that you don't have to consider that aspect of things when the time comes.

Do not engage in this debate with her - your husband has to handle her and he has to NOT tell you all about it. His primary focus should be on YOU and the kids, that's it. If your MIL has other family, they can attend to her needs during her surgery and recovery. Frankly, I have to pity someone that needy. My MIL was a little this way when I was pregnant (always talking about her stillborn twins and how it was so much harder than my infertility, etc.) - and she was not able to be of help to me when our son was born. I got agitated and now I wish I hadn't. It didn't change her, and it didn't help me at all.

What I did later on is just comment "that's a shame" or "how unfortunate for you" but not get into it a lot. If you can't take it, either now or when your baby is born, just take a break, don't answer the phone from her, and so on. Tell her you turned off the phone or you were feeding/bathing the baby, or whatever. Tell her you wouldn't be much help to her in your exhausted state.

I would have your husband keep her away when the baby comes - tell her he's worried about HER health and wellbeing, and he just couldn't live with himself if she hurt herself or slowed her recovery. That will keep her out of your home and let you do what you have to do without having to take care of her moods too. Under no circumstances should he let his mother in your house when he is not there to manage her. She has chosen (or been "forced" by her doctor's schedule) not to participate in the early days of your child's life -- maybe it's just too much for her and she's embarrassed to say she is nervous or doesn't feel up to it. So give her that break - and give yourself one as well. Don't engage with her - this is your husband's job.

Good luck - try to be really nice to yourself and relax through the rest of your pregnancy. Don't let this MIL situation take away the joy of this special time!

t doesn't sound like MIL is someone you can count on as much as you wish she would be. How sad that your parents have passed and you want so much to count on her... I would have her SON say something to her about how you were counting on her to help with her own grandchildren and how HE is So disapointed she scheduled this surgery Now. But sadly you probably cant change her. and you need support. Is there someone else? a friend, a neighbor? a niece? a cousin? Even a thirteen yr old family member would be helpful when you are home to supervise. Hope you find someone else who will be there for you and be an additional person for your kids to love in the next few years

I am having a kidney removed next week and feel so quilty that I cannot
watch my grandchildren. I know this creates problems for my son and DIL
but in the end, I will be so much better after the surgery. If I could put it off
until her spring break I would, but I cannot. I had a MIL like yours. When
my BIL passed away very suddenly at age 45 she did not go to the funeral.
Now keep in mind this was her daughters husband. We are all convinced
that it was because the spotlight would not have been on her for the first
time. How you like them apples!!!!!!! I cannot imagine putting myself
first. I guess that is what makes the world go round. I would just let her
have her surgery. Make plans with your friends to help out when you have
the baby. Since you are a laid back kind of gal, you will do fine without her
help. Sometimes we just have to let things go. This is that time. Congratulations and let us know how thins go. Good luck.

I sooooo feel your pain. My MIL is an acoholic - narcissitic nutjob. Both of my parents have passed. You would not believe the DRAMA she created around both of their deaths. When my mother passed she actually had a huge meltdown tantrum because my father thanked her for coming to the wake and for all of her help but did not SPECIFICALLY thank her for the dish she brought to the wake. REALLY? The man just lost the love of his life. They'd been together since they were 13 and my Mom died at 48. Would you or any other normal human being be concerned with who brought what dish? Or would you be concerned that when someone thanked you they didn't specifically mention the dish? She never fails to remind me...and I quote "your parents are dead, I am their only grandparent your children will ever have." My second pregnancy I was put on bedrest in the early 2nd month. I had a ton of medical issues and was not to be under any stress. Every time my blood pressure would rise I would go into labor. I was very lucky that my niece flew in to help me with my then 3 year old. I work from home so I was able to still work full time from my bed. MIL continually stirred up trouble and would call me drunk and scream and yell and again remind me of my dead parents. EVERYTHING must revolve around her. I've been dealing with this for 23 years (hubby and I have been together since jr high). After yet another trip to hospital for early labor my hubby had had enough and told her not to call our house at all. If she needed to speak with him she could call his cell. She got pissed and we haven't heard from her since. My hubby has left her several messages but she never calls him back. Our baby is now 7 months old. In all honesty hubby prefers it this way because he doesn't want our girls dealing with her drama. She acts like a spoiled child and always has. This is nothing new for her, she cuts her children off for months even years at a time if they don't agree with her. And in the process she cuts off her grandchildren as well, going months or years without so much as a birthday call. Totally unfair to the kids and was very hard for our oldest to understand. She's cut her off several times over the past four years.

Your situation doesn't sound quite as toxic. IMHO she offered to help you all during labor/delivery and you planned on it. She has CHOSEN to have elective non medically needed surgery. If I were you I would prep some casseroles and quick heat meals that can be frozen and just tossed in the oven during that 1st week or two. Arrange for a friend or two to tend to your other children during your hospital stay. Have your hubby save his leave time for when you go into labor and to help with the children your first few days home. Have him tell her that he's made other arrangements so that she can stay home and tend to her own healing. And that he will be unavailable to help her after her surgery since he will need to save that leave time to take care of his wife and children when your new bundle of joy arrives. Whatever you do....do not ENGAGE her in her drama. It only feeds into her NEED for constant attention and the cycle continues. Good Luck and God Bless.

Tell her "Thanks but no thanks. I've made other plans." and stick to it.
Don't count on her to help.
Her words say one thing, but her actions (scheduling her surgery) speak WAY louder - she doesn't really want to help.
Once the baby is here, get a sitter every so often so you can get some rest.

Just calm down and let the cards fall where they fall. Lots of us dont have anyone come help after the baby is born and we manage it on our own and are fine with it. Quit trying to compete with her, what's the point? You husband will just kick in where his mother had decided to drop the ball. Maybe you can help her out that week before the baby to get her well enough to lend a little hand after the baby is born. If she's coming to cook and do light duty she wont need to lift anything heavy anyway, save heavy stuff for Dad to do.
Have you rationally discussed your concerns with her as far as helping you out after the baby comes, what does she say? If she tells you not to worry about it don't, chances are she has a plan so don't sweat the small stuff. She wouldnt have to lift the 2yr old in most cases anyway. Women, when faced with challenges always seem to overcome then in one way or another. Quit stressin :)

In some cases your friends are more like family then family. I would probably be talking to my girlfriends and asking for their support knowing in my heart of hearts that this is a two way street and their kindness will be repaid sometime in the future.
As for your MIL, I would not argue about the facts, for whatever her reasons she has made herself non available to you. If you must vent take your conversation to your husband and let him be the person to deal with his mom. Do not stress out over her actions, people that know you and the situation will see through her motives very clearly.
Look forward to your new little one and be calm and happy, that will get her more than anything. Let the drama queen have her day with you not involved in any of it.

I never had any help with any of my 3 kids when they were born. In fact, I have 6 sisters and all of us have young kids - so none of us were ever able to "help" each other when new babies come around. My MIL is an alcoholic, so I wouldn't really accept her help even if she offered lol! (she might burn down the house while I am asleep or something) It's challanging, yes - but nothing a mom can't handle! I am only telling you this because I want you to know that even if your MIL can't help lift things try not to stress too much about it. Most moms out there don't get ANY help at all when a new one comes along.

It sounds to me like you'd better prepare your husband that he's going to be doing double duty between taking care of you and your MIL. I'm sure she's going to need some help also! Grandma T is right, lots of people have to do everything on their own and manage, so what if laundry sits a few days and maybe you have some simple dinners for a while...it won't matter in the long run.

I didn't have the pleasure of living near family when my youngest was born. I had to use friends.
Get a friend to help out. HAve hubby tell his mother that he is lining up sitters for the 2 year old and he hopes her surgery goes well. THen say nothing about it. Take your 2 year old to the friend's house and have the baby.
HUbby doesn't need to be with you the entire time, you'll be in the hopsital for a day or so. He can get 2 year old to daycare or take him for a little while. so your friend has a break.

Roll your eyes to your husband and then make an alternate plan for your kids during labor/delivery. I had an almost 3 yr old when our daughter was born. ALL of our family (every single family member on both sides) lived 5 hours away. We had NO one able to come help.

We simply made arrangements with a good friend, whom our son was comfortable with, to meet us at the hospital and pick him up with an overnight bag, and take him home with them. He was fine. We were fine. They were fine. They brought him to the hospital the next afternoon to meet his new sister. And then took hubby took him home from there afterwards. Hubby's mom drove in that morning, early, and was at our house. She stayed with him overnight at our house, we went home the next day and she left the day after. All she really did, was sleep at our house one night as far as "help". Hubby stayed at the hospital with me in the recliner chair, but if we had had more than one at home, he probably would have gone home. I had no help around the house, except for my husband in the following days. But when the family did eventually start rolling in, most of them (except my mother) expected to hold the new baby and be waited on.

I'd just make an alternative plan (or a couple, just in case) for what you are doing with your children. Tell her regarding her surgery: no worries.. we figured out something else to do with the kids. (She'll be stunned to be not "needed"...)
Maybe you'll go into labor early and she won't have had her surgery yet and would have to reschedule... wouldn't that be a hoot?!

You guys will get through this just fine. The bigger deal you make about her surgery plans, the more bang for her buck she gets out of it.

I would just find someone else to watch your kids. A friend or even a trusted neighbor could hang out with your children while you are busy having your baby.
If she's goiing to be out of commission, for whatever reason, she's not going to be available so just make Plan B. It will work out.
You can't change when your baby arrives no matter what else is going on.
Just focus on what you need to do and let her do her thing. She's not going to be able to help you and you aren't going to be able to help her.
It is what it is.
Don't let this get you upset so close to your due date.

Best wishes and let us know when your baby arrives.

I don't think your feelings are wrong at all. SHE made a commitment to you, then knowingly changed her plans. I have family like this too. I know how it is not to have anyone around. It's always nice to know you have someone to count on JUST IN CASE. I was lucky that my DD is my only child! When I had her, I had absolutely no issues prior to labor. Then during delivery I had a big ol' hemorrhage, and developed preeclampsia... and a couple of other fairly minor issues, but enough that they couldn't release me. Then my DD had a couple of issues of her own, and we were in the hospital for just over a week. (I had to stay in bed for the first 3 days straight of that) I was in TX, and my entire family was in ID. I didn't even have any friends to call at that point. WHAT IF I had other children who needed taken care of, and couldn't count on the person who said they would be there? I can definitely see why you are upset. I would do like some other posters said, enlist the help of a friend you can actually trust to keep her word. Then when dear ol MIL brings up her surgery, just let her know that you don't need her help. That you are more than willing to let her have 'time to recover' without having to worry about being around her grandchildren. Hang in there!

I don't mean to sound rude (really, I promise) but your MIL is a grown woman and her life doesn't revolve around you and your family.

You chose to get pregnant and have kids; this isn't your MIL's responsibility. If she wants to have surgery (for whatever reason: to better her health, improve her comfort levels, heighten her looks or self esteem etc) then she can do that!!! She had her kids and raised them, now it's her time to enjoy time off, play with grandkids and well, be dramatic if she wants. lol

I know you are hormonal and worrying right now.

But focus on the facts.

YOU made the choice to have this baby. You knew you had kids already. You can't get all in a huffy if others are not able to just drop their lives and run to your aid because of your free choices.

KWIM?

Put simply, your MIL has just as much of a right to have whatever surgery she wants and when she wants as you do in having a baby when and how you want.

But you're both grown-ups and have to figure out the logistics on your own.

The schedule of that surgery may have been for many reasons, including her doctor's line-up of patients, the kind of recovery, the advice she got, weather- WHO KNOWS!!?? Doesn't mean she sat there knifing out a plan on how to make your life miserable.

Really: sit back and think about this one.

Do you think she really manufactured a plan to go UNDER THE KNIFE just to make you mad?

You said she helps with the kids etc, which means she DOES care about you and the kids; so she can't be that bad. And if you DO accept her help, then you shouldn't be hating on her too much.

Again, I completely understand the hormones! They are not helpful when it comes to reason & sensibility.

Just take a breather..
You can do this!

MANY MOTHERS have cared for infants and toddlers at the same time.
;-)

First of all you could go another month before this baby comes. Being a little dilated and effaced does not mean your baby will be born soon. It just means your body is doing what it should do. You already have children. You could walk around 5-6cm dilated for weeks. I have seen it happen with my own clients. Second of all you are having a baby, a normal physical part of life with very little risk. She is having surgery, which is not normal and carries major risk. No matter the reason it is still surgery. As soon as you deliver vaginally you can pick up the 2 year old. You could stay home and have the baby and not worry about additional childcare for them. What you are going through is normal, what she is going through is not normal. Show her some sympathy and quit making it all about you. And remember pregnancy and birth is a normal thing for your body to go through.

Lisa