Dealing with Relationship Issues

Oh dear . . . no rude responses.
My first thought was to hit him over the head, repeatedly,
with a cast iron frying pan.
He is a control freak; he has absolutely no sensitivity
toward your situation. And he refuses to open his eyes and ears
to learn anything.
I am so angry reading this that I literally want to kick his butt myself.
I wonder if you could arrange an intervention,
the kind that is done with a family member
who has a drug or alcohol problem.
You would gather a large number of adults, as many as possible,
hopefully including some of HIS extended family,
and prepare in advance what you want him to hear and understand.
He won't hear/understand this from you but maybe he will hear/understand it if it comes from 5-8-12 people all taking a turn to let him know
what you need him to know.
This is not a marriage.
This is (something like) indentured servitude.
You have my sympathy.
I am not being silly here.
I really DO want to wham him over the head with a cast iron frying pan.
And many readers here KNOW I am by nature a gentle and loving person.

Hi there,

My husband and I both worked full time (still do) when our children were born and the only thing that got him to step up and help out around the house was that I was just too darn tired for sex after teaching high school all day and dealing with the children and house. It was a very interesting epiphany for him when I told him that if he wanted me "rested" for "fun and games" then he better start giving me a chance to rest.

That said, part-time work is still work, just as shift work is still work. Since you both work, house and children responsibilities should be divided up. My husband, despite working 12 hour days, would clean the kitchen and bathe the children each evening. We alternated who got if the children fussed during the night (rare, except in case of illness). He was also very good about being available for me to go out with girlfriends (usually only once a month).

Now that the boys are teenagers, we're still splitting all the responsibilities. Only now, it's who takes what kid to what activity! <g>

The computer is a problem for my husband, too. I've been trying to solve that one for the last 20 years, so I have no real advice on that point. Your husband will learn, as mine has, that you reap what you sow. It was hearing my sons tell him that they weren't interested in my husband joining our fun family activities because "you're always more interested in your computer than us" for my husband to get the idea. Sadly, my sons were 14 and 10 when that happened...a lot of lost time.

My husband and I communicate very well. He might get defensive, but if I take the time to tell him, calmly and rationally, what I think is wrong, he generally listens and finds solutions that work for both of us. From your post, I'm not sure your husband is up to that. In our 20 years of marriage, I've also come to realize that my husband acts just the way his father does. That's really great in a lot of ways; not so great in others. Again, from your post, I think that's what you're seeing, too.

Is this enough of a "problem" for you two to consider counseling? I think the answer lies in how long are you willing to be comfortably unhappy in this situation. Since divorce is not a consideration, the only other thing I can offer is to just do the best you can, live your life without him and never, ever, ever make excuses for him to his children. Let them come to their own conclusions about his behavior. It might take a decade, like it did with my husband, but he may wake up and smell the coffee before he ruins his relationship with his kids.

Good luck, R.. I think you're going to need it.

I'm curious as to why you're working outside of the home. Do you need the money? If not, talk to him about being a full time stay at home mom. Just let him know that since he's not pitching in and helping with the kids or the house, and you can't do it with your part-time work schedule that you've decided to save the daycare money and stay at home.

By doing this, one of two things might happen. He'll either step up and help around the house to keep your income, or he'll say ok. If he says ok then you'll have one less job to do...and that's the job outside of the house.

Hope things get better for you! *hugs*

"Your 8 hour day does NOT equal my 14 hour day."

I also INSISTED that we each have equal weekends. He got 2 days and I got 0 days. THAT switched up so we each got 1 day. 1 day to sleep until you wake up, make plans, etc. For the first several months I made a point of being GONE from the moment I woke up until well after bedtime. It's amazing how fast his tune changed.

But I had to (and periodically have to) lay it out in black and white for him.

8hours does not equal 14 hours
2 days does not equal 0 days.

I'll also point out ALL the things he USED to do, before being married that I now do for him (shopping, cleaning, etc.) that he USED to do, and would have to again. Merely showing up for work doesn't exclude one from shopping, cooking, cleaning. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, he'd have to do all those things for himself again PLUS all the childcare. And if he wanted to pay someone for the hours I worked, that would be 2 full time positions each paying about $2500 a month. Because they are HARD jobs.

Seriously, I've laid it all out in black and white from hours and days right down to paying someone for all the work I do (childcare just being 1 of the positions he'd have to hire someone for). But my husband is an engineer... so he's a little dense.

My husband was like this for a long time. Until the day that he woke up, his lunch wasn't made for work, there wasn't any coffee made,he didn't have clean socks for work(ended up going to work without socks on), and there wasn't any dinner made that night. I went on strike...I did my own laundry, went out to eat for dinner on my way home,and went to bed in our spare bedroom. He was completely clueless, and it took 2 days of this and he was a different man. He was not sure why I wasn't sleeping with him, and I explained to him that he was wasn't acting like a husband, by caring for his sole mate/wife in return.

In your situation, I think it's time to call him out on his actions!

I also suggest going on strike. Decide how much you can comfortably do and do only that. I went on strike in my marriage and although it didn't get my husband to help more it helped me to feel less resentful. My husband was quite passive and didn't seem to notice tho he did go back to doing laundry when he ran out of clean clothes. :) I did eventually get a divorce.

I also urge you to go to counseling for yourself. Since divorce isn't an option you need the counseling even more, so that you can learn to live with him and still be happy. Counseling will also give you some skills that may help get him more involved.

You will need to do something so that life is as uncomfortable for your husband as it is for you if you want him to change. As long as he can do as he wants he will continue to do it. It's human nature to stick with what's comfortable. That's where a strike comes in. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing sort of thing. I suggest that you do or not do things that immediately affect him.

For example on the days he's home and you're at work, you ask him to fix dinner. If he doesn't do it, leave the house and get yourself some dinner. Fix the kids something simple to eat and leave them with him. You've worked all day. His excuse is that you're at home and he's not. So, now he's at home and you're not.

Yes, this will be hard on the kids but he is their father and does have equal responsibility for their welfare as you. When he has to he will learn how to take care of them. When you do it all you're not giving him a chance to learn his role.

Yes, this will be hard on you as well. You want a smooth running home. But you also want and need your husband's help. As long as you continue to do everything he has no incentive to change.

So......make a list of all that you do. Discuss it with him and ask him how he'd like to help, telling him that you're not going to be doing it all anymore. IF he doesn't and it's likely he won't, choose chores then you tell him which ones you won't be doing any more. I suggest his laundry would be one. Perhaps fixing dinner for him would be one. You can fix dinner for yourself and the kids, making meals that aren't up to his liking. If he eats what you've fixed, he does dishes. Hard as it is, do not do them. He'll either do them or get exceedingly angry in which case you have grounds to insist that he go to counseling with you. You'll have the perfect opportunity to show that you are not going to do everything and something has to give. He may walk out. Let him. Then he realizes how serious you are and hopefully he'll decide his marriage is worth working for.

Sounds extreme. You can find a path somewhere in the middle but you'll have to stop doing it all if you want him to help. He has to have a reason to change. If you keep the status quo, he'll continue his ways.

IF you don't want to shake up the household then I especially urge you to start in counseling so that you can try to learn to be happy with the way it is. And because you can possibly learn less drastic ways to influence him thru professional help.

It's a really difficult situation; my husband began to help more once the kids were older and it wasn't so overwhelming. I experienced much of what you are experiencing.

I have no easy answers, the best thing I can tell you is that women, in general, are superior and more capable. Therefore we end up doing more. Accept now that you will always do more than your husband and don't expect much, and hopefully that acceptance will make it easier for you.

And Jennifer has a good idea below.

R.,

I would be at my wits end if my husband was like yours. This is unacceptable!! Your husband is not a child anymore. He is a grown man with a family. It doesn't seem like his mother taught him about chores and responsibility growing up. Well now it's time for him to learn!!! If he won't go to counseling with you, then I would divorce him, because it means you have a husband who doesn't care about saving your marriage. I know this may seem drastic, but what kind of a marriage do you have when one person (you) is bitter and resentful toward the other? Do you want to grow old having been bitter and resentful for the majority of your marriage? Because that could happen! You don't want to waste the rest of your "good/young" years on your unwilling-to-help-out husband!! That really stinks if he won't get counseling with you. It is as if he is saying "take it or leave it." Personally, my choice is to leave it. Even if you were a 100% stay at home mom, he STILL needs to help out more!! He needs to grow up! For me, this would be a very serious problem. Best of luck on whatever you decide to do, but you shouldn't put up with this anymore.

I have not read the other posts, so if I am repeating something, I apologize. That being said, I think that part of your struggle might be the way in which you approach him about these things. You said that his Mom always made him feel like he could never do anything right, so I am wondering if the way that you approach him causes him to feel like he is not doing anything right for you either? We all have our little quirks, and I think that if you can learn how to communicate EFFECTIVELY with him, you will get a lot more out of him. If I were you, I think I would phrase most of the things that I say beginning with "I" for example: I am really feeling over loaded, and I cannot get everything done. I feel like I am running around in circles and can never get caught up. Do you have any suggestions to help me? (men always like to be the hero) and who knows, he might have some awesome suggestions, and may be willing to help you out. Maybe the things that you are asking him to help with, he is not comfortable doing. I know a lot of men who are not big on giving their children baths. Do you really care exactly what it is he helps with as long as he helps? Maybe you could make a list of the things that need to be done and ask him if he would mind picking 2 things off the list to help you with. Then he has some control (and can pick something he feels he would be good at since he has an issue with not doing things right) and does not feel like you are trying to force him to do something. I would also suggest that the things he does help out with you show appreciation for. The more appreciation he gets the more likely he is to do more.

Just a side note, you haven't said that you do this, and I am not suggesting that you do, but just in case, if he is doing something differently than you would do it, let him do it his way. If you want his help, you can't control the way in which he does it. Like loading the dishwasher. I know someone who wants her husband to help, but then whatever he is helping with she wants him to do it the way that SHE does it. The job gets done wether it is done HER way or not, and he doesn't want to help her out anymore because she is so controlling about the way he does things when he does help out.

As far as what you said about you talking to his family about how much he helps out and then they talk to him and him "punishing" you by doing even less than he normally does. I don't think that you should be talking to his family or your family about your marital disputes. I feel that is a betrayal to him. What goes on between you guys is between you guys. There is no reason for his family to be involved. If you need to vent about him, you need to find a trusted girlfriend to vent to. (or just come on here to mamapedia, we are always happy to help! ~ LOL)

You might also read the book "Love and Respect" it is a very good book about the differences of men and women and what we long for in our relationships and the best way to get that from the other person.

I hope some of my advice will help you. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage. Keep in mind that marriage is a job and you have to work at it. It is a give and take relationship and there are going to be times when you feel like you do right now, and there are going to be times when things are wonderful. It is a phase. You will go through many phases in your marriage. It sounds like you really love your husband and are committed to making your marriage work. I think that if you read that book you will have a better understanding of men and how to communicate effectively with them. It has helped me not only in my marriage but also in work relationships with men.

I feel your pain~and know you are not alone but honestly your husband is just taking advantage of you and you are allowing it. For me and my situation it took me telling my husband I was VERY unhappy that I did not get pregnant on my own and it was just as much his responsability as is mine. Doesn't matter if I work or not work-he is your partner and you never leave your partner behind. If it were me and I tend to be quite the b--ch when I get to my boiling point. I would pack up the computer or cancel internet or whatever to get my point across. However that isn't what I did this past time-I just simply told him at the end of the school year I was leaving. He broke into my e-mail because he thought I was cheating on him. Well instead he found ALL my emails about other places to move and contacting lawyers. It didn't take long for him to realize everything he had right now was soon to be lost and lost for good. You have to make a choice here. Either you will have to accept him for the way that he is OR you will need to start making plans to divorce because I doubt he will change. It is "ok" for you to ask something of him in order for it to make you happy. If he isn't going to respect you and "want" you to be happy then he doesn't have your best interest at heart and believe me there is someone else out there that would be more than happy to do the things you want him to do. I'm not suggesting you go off and cheat I'm just saying that your hubby isn't being realistic here. Have either one of you seen the movie "FireProof"??? Might want to sit down and watch it together both of you might see some things on both parts that are wrong.........good luck I know the frustration you feel....I've been there myself.

I second Jennifer H.'s suggestion below to talk to him about quitting your job so you will have more time at home, if you don't need the money. Either that, or you tell him that you are going to hire a housecleaning service to come in once a week since you can't do it all yourself and see what he says to that. If he won't go to marriage counseling, you can always go yourself and see if it helps. Not trying to be rude, I totally sympathize with you, but he sounds selfish and a tad clueless. Maybe go on strike - stop cooking, don't do any dishes or laundry except your own, just make sure the kids needs are being met, and see how he reacts. Or decide to take a weekend off out of town and see how he manages.

What does he do now at home? Outside work, mowing the lawn, that kind of thing? How does he define "doing plenty?"

Depending on what else you get for responses, maybe you should print all this out and make him read it. Just a thought.

My husband helps more than many, but still not enough in my opinion, since I am the one working full-time and he is opting to stay home. His idea of cleaning the bathroom is to drop a blue bleach tablet in the toilet tank every few months. I am ready to hire a house cleaning service myself because I hate cleaning, there are so many other things I would rather be doing, and DH just doesn't seem to have the same standards that I have.

Not sure how much of this helps, just that I know how you feel...you are not alone.

Fathers DO "do things differently" as we say in our house. BUT your husband sounds like an example of something else.

O. thing I know is not to expect a man to miraculously pitch in and help out. You've gotta be specific with them. Maybe your husband could make dinner every Wednesday AND be in charge of clean bathrooms (whatever that might be in YOUR house--daily wipe down, floors once per week, etc).

This really sounds like a power struggle and I'm wondering if you could use some marriage counseling? Would he go? Can you go yourself?

Good luck!

my husband never helps with any housework, bathing of the kids, ever.

Not that I have any advice. I think you should act more appreciative of what he does, and I also think you should quit your job or pull the kids out of daycare and have him watch them. I like how Jennifer put it.