I know there are a ton of books available. I'm looking for one that does not use spanking as a form of punishment. Anyone have any recommendations? My 2 3/4 year old is pushing the envelope and I'm looking for some alternative ways of getting through to him.
Thanks.
ETA: Thanks for all of the responses and advice. This is our second son and he's the polar opposite of his brother, J. The things that worked so easily with J - aren't with R. We've tried most of the suggestions given and we do get through to him. We use reward charts, timeouts (for the heavier things hitting, spitting, screaming) and positive reinforcement ("You are being such a nice boy by sharing with your brother. I love when you share like that.") R has "chores" that he helps with (putting dirty clothes in the hamper, picking up his toys that he plays with, helping set the table.) We have rules in the house and expect them to be followed. There are consequences and we feel that we are consistent. It just feels like we need a little more with him to really get the light to turn on in his head. He's a very very determined little guy and we just need to channel that determination in the right direction.
To the poster that mentioned martial arts...our older son started last summer when he just turned 4 and it has been a wonderful experience for him. J needed it more for confidence and focus. R will be 3 in August and we will be enrolling him, also. :)
I have a three year old that is a handful. I watched some of Dr. Harvey Karp's techniques on YouTube and was impressed with the results after a couple of tries. He had a book called "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." I am considering buying it just to learn more.
1. Give and take, negotiate - They are usually independent
2. Don't let them win - If they win once, they win all the time. They want you to challenge them. When you win, you show them you are the boss. Do it by calm reinforcement. Dont resort to wimper, crying, shouting..Hold your ground. They will see you as weak and test you more if you don't
3. Find things they like to do, and benefits you too and let them do that - "If you do this, you get that"
4. Patience
5. Lots of Love
I can completely understand having a young child constantly pushing the envelope. I do not believe in spanking. I do believe in treating children as the individual people they are...and at the end of the day, I am the parent, they are the child.
My son has kept me adapting from day one. Something would work for awhile, but then, he'd do a benefit/risk analysis, and when something was no longer a risk to him; I'd have to change strategies. An example, when he was five, I told him he would lose the privaledge of using a treasured item for 3 days (that's a long time for us) if he slammed his door in anger. He gently walked into his room. Came back out a half a minute later and said "you know what, it is totally worth it!" and went and slammed the door.
a nearly three year old pushes. That is what they do. They are feeling their independence and are trying to stretch their wings. Here are a few suggestions...and remember, to try to adapt as the need arises:
Give him some responsibility. Use a chart if you like. Let him be a part of creating a chore chart. Even if it is brushing his teeth, putting his PJs on and going to bed. Have him become Mommy's little helper. At the grocery store, I gave my son a list to check items off, using pictures. And would let him take some items from the shelve and put it in the cart. Shopping got a little slower, but much easier...of course, he said "Ah, now I know why people have kids! It's to get the soup off the bottom shelf!" (age 3).
Take time to let him express himself. Use a conversational tone, and open ended questions. Find out what he is thinking and feeling. Sometimes what he thinks he wants isn't what he really wants.
Give choices. Two is enough. They can even be what they call the "False choice" such as "You need to pick up the ball, and pick up your dirty clothes. Which one do you want to do first". In this way, he feels he has some control, even though you are still telling him what needs to be done.
Use positive reinforcement when you can. Young children hear NO! so often that it loses its effectiveness.
Hope this helps.
123 Magic worked for our oldest daughter, but not our youngest. The counting only made her feel more and more angry. It did not make her stop and correct herself, ever. What saved us was the book "The Explosive Child" We were at the end of our rope, but did NOT want to resort to spanking. The collaborate problem-solving approach is what really turned things around for our strong willed daughter. Good luck!
We have "Raising Your Spirited Child", which was recommended to us by a friend. I have only skimmed it (we're awfully busy with our "spirited" children & too worn out at the end of the day:), but I am pretty sure there is no spanking in it.
My youngest child is my most strong-willed child and I refuse to play his games. If he refuses to put his shoes on then I leave him. One time usually does the trick. If he doesn't want to buckle his seat belt then I take him to the police station. We approach the parking lot and he clicks it fast. He is also a very loving child but just wants to be in control of his destiny.
Hi T.,
Yep, those Strong Willed Children are "fun" aren't they? Mine is 6 1/2.
I agree with the books about the spirited child. Its A LOT of information and not everything applies to each child. I even took the quiz in the book for my other child and myself and my husband. To my surprise, my spirited child and I scored similarly and my other child and my husband score similarly. It told me a lot about myself. I now see why I butt heads with my spirited child so much!
At 2, though, its a lot about discipline. We used 1-2-3 Magic and it really was amazing. Basically, tell the child that when he is not following the rules, he will need to sit in a chair (or a step, or his bed, etc) for 2 minutes (minutes equal to their age). And if he throws a fit or refuses to sit there quietly, the timer doesn't start until they are sitting quietly. The first time we did it (he was either 2 or 3) and it took us 30 minutes to get him to do it. The next time was 25 minutes and the time eventually got shorter and shorter. Once the time is up, then you go and process with him about WHY he is sitting in the chair.
He must apologize and say WHY he is sitting there. For example....my 3 year old JUST got out of the chair. he sat for 3 minutes and when it was up, I said "why are you sitting here" and he said "I threw a stick at grandma's car" and I asked him if he was going to do it again, he said no and asked him if he had anything else to say and he said "I am sorry, mommy"
Initially, it might be tough (it was for us), but we've been using it for 3 or 4 years and it works for us....but we had to be consistent.
That time also gives you time to take a breather while they are "doing their time."
Good Luck!
I don't really have any answers except to say that there is a book written by a lady I know...she was my church youth group leader ... anyway, I haven't actually read the book, but knowing Kendra personally, I would think the book should be awesome. The book is called "Journey of a Strong Willed Child"
If you are interested, here is a link to her page
http://www.kendrasmiley.com/shop/cart.php?target=product&...
I've heard that "1-2-3 Magic" is very good. Maybe give that a try. Let me know if it works! My 2yo is already pushing EVERYONE's buttons! lol!
I've known a couple of young families who really liked Raising Your Spirited Child. I haven't read that one yet, but plan to soon, because the spirited children in question seem to be delightful human beings (around 3.5 and maybe 5 years old).
I personally love a superb book that describes exactly how to be compassionate and respectful of the child while being clear about your own expectations and need for cooperation and respect. It gives examples for just about any parenting situation you'll find yourself facing. I use Faber and Mazlish's How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk with my own 4.5 grandson, and it gives us amazingly effective and positive results.
I also watched some of Dr. Harvey Karp's videos on youtube, and was very impressed. There are a bunch of short videos/ilnterviews introducing the techniques he presents in The Happiest Toddler on the Block, which look great for younger toddlers. I used techniques from his book, Happiest Baby, and am satisfied that he understands how little kids work. Check out one of the links here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&f...
