Deleted - New York,NY

I feel like this is another St John's student trying to get America to do their psych homework. You don't sound at all like a mother at all.

Oh, thanks for confirming I was right.

First of all, she's 13. She doesn't get to refuse counseling if you think it's necessary. I understand why you and your husband cannot get through to her - at this age, kids often don't listen to parents about a lot of things, especially relationships. So find a counselor skilled with adolescents (ask the pediatrician for a referral to someone who accepts your medical insurance), set an appointment for yourself and your husband to go talk, and then work with the counselor to set up appointments for your daughter including how to explain to her that she's going.

How is it that the boy is still contacting your daughter? Are they in school together? It's hard to control contact there, but you can make sure they aren't in the same part of the lunchroom and that they are seated in separate parts of the classroom. There should be no other contact - you control her computer, if she has a cell phone then block his number, and if necessary then you go to his parents and say you're not permitting any contact. I wouldn't place too much blame on their son - your daughter clearly has an unhealthy obsession. But I would say that it's not a positive situation and that you are prohibiting contact and you would appreciate their cooperation and supervision. He doesn't want to date her anyway, so there's no reason for him to have any contact at all.

It's not good that she has quit all her activities - she's retreating and isolating herself.

But I don't think you or your husband, or anyone other than a professional, is qualified to convince her of anything right now. A therapist has to get to the root of the problem. Please do not delay. This is a vulnerable age and a very upset teen. Don't allow her to isolate herself from friends and peers for one more day. Get help, serious and focused help.

I made the mistake of not taking my 13 year to a therapist earlier this year because she didn't want to go. And I figured well, she isn't going to get a thing from it, if she doesn't want the help, so why make it a fight with her and force her? And I was SO wrong. You see, once, she got there she DID open up to the therapist. I truly regret that I didn't make her go months and months ago. Please take her despite her "refusal" And watch her very carefully. Her self-esteem is likely dangerously low. She's vulnerable to a lot of self-destructive behaviors.

Get her into counseling. Call his parents and tell them that their son broke up with her but still keeps coming around and tearing her heart up. That she's not equipped to deal with it. That you don't want him contacting her anymore - period. If you need to get a lawyer to send them a letter threatening legal action, do it.

She is going to be messed up for the rest of her life if you don't get her some help. Do it now.

Sometimes, it just doesn't work to ask a troubled teen to go to counseling. They either think all parents are stupid, or you don't know what they're feeling or going through, or a million other reasons.

So you go to counseling for a different reason. Tell her you're not sure how to help her. Tell her that a counselor can help her work through this "love" and figure out her own feelings about this boy. Tell her that the counselor can help her express herself to you. The counselor can help you and her dad be more effective parents. That doesn't sound so daunting, or confrontational. Young teens who haven't been to counselors or psychologists or psychiatrists often think that it will be one big scolding session, one big preaching session - they don't understand how helpful a professional can be. They don't know that they'll be listened to, that they can talk freely, that the counselor can help them see things more clearly.

We got our daughter to accept counseling after telling her that we just wanted to be able to talk with her, without arguing, and that we - her parents - needed guidance, too. It wasn't the same situation as your daughter, but she needed professional help and was refusing to go, until we explained that it was just talking, and that we needed the guidance as much as she did.

Of course, a wise counselor will see any self-destructive habits, and will be able to guide her graciously and helpfully. The counselor will be able to help her develop some inner strength and self-worth, and help her make better choices, and get all of you talking effectively.

Just make sure the counselor you choose specializes in helping troubled young adolescents. Ask your pediatrician for a recommendation, and look up the counselor on HealthGrades or other sites. You want one who's gentle, who knows how to help teens who don't want help, and who know how to get families talking.

And be prepared to accept the counselor's guidance and advice for you, too. If you go into this thinking the counselor will straighten out your daughter and she'll come around and agree with you, you'll only be half right. The counselor will help you parent more effectively, and you will learn invaluable advice. But only if you're willing.

You get her butt in counseling. She is going through so many hormones and puberty and all of that mess, she is being irrational, and will need you to set ground rules and structure. She will need daily structured activities, counseling, and an outlet to work on her thoughts and feelings in a constructive, proactive way.

Quitting all extracurricular activities is pretty bad.
Unrequited love just hurts.
I'd start asking her if she's going to spend the rest of her life mooning over this guy who doesn't care that she's feeling miserable.
How would she feel if someone were this obsessed over her (and she was not attracted to them at all)?
With the radical changes in her behavior I'd be hauling her off to counseling whether she likes it or not.
Not going is not a shot she gets to call.
Part of getting people interested in you is to actually BE interesting.
That means going out and doing things you enjoy to do and learning new things.
Sitting around like a lump isn't interesting and it's no way to meet people.

You need to get her into counseling, what ever it takes.

She's 13--make her go to counseling. Also, get her back into extracurricular activities.

Wow and I missed reading the thread got busy and when I come back it's gone.

You asked for ideas for help and then pulled you question because "Original post deleted so that 'nasty' people do not get to enjoy attacking someone who seeks help."

This is a public forum and you will get answers from people that are all over the place due to their past history and experience. We do not know you and we do not know where you live. We answer you honestly with what you have provided, So please don't be so upset that you can't see the truth somewhere in the posts.

We as a group try out best to give ideas and suggestions to help you or point you in the correction direction.

You are the parent and you make the rules. So if the 13 year old does not get a say in not going to get help to make her a better person. You and her dad may need to go to help you guide her through her teen years. They certainly have changed since my kids were that age.

I wish you the best in your home and with your daughter. I pray that she finds herself and blossoms into a wonderful woman. But there are times we all need help.

Have a great week.

the other S.

PS Tween/teen relationships can be a bear as they navigate into adulthood.

If you think this requires counseling, then take her. Even if she spends some of the sessions just staring at the floor. A good counselor will draw her out eventually.

When you become the parent and not a friend to your kids you learn you get to be the big meany sometimes because you know it's the best thing for your child.

If this was my child? I would likely put her inpatient and have her evaluated for psychological issues because it's not normal. I'd also say if that's not what you want to do then you have to pick her up and drag her hiney to the psychologists office and go in with her. Sit there the whole hour if you have to. Talk about her, piss her off, make her so mad she'll start yelling at you, then she's vulnerable and the doc can ask her "what do you mean by that"? then the door is open and she'll start spilling.

Sometimes we have to be the bad guy and in this case she's acting so inappropriately that she needs medication and therapy or inpatient care. She is waaaay overreacting. That's what I mean.