So my oldest son (12) is in 7th grade and has been coming home saying he has had a bad day latey (over a week), football practice not so much fun. When ask why he says that his friend (will call him Tom) has been picking at him and trying to make him look "stupid" in front of all his other friends. Now we live in a small town (only 40 boys in the whole grade/110 students total) so my husband and I told him to learn to ignore him and he will stop. When it didn't stop we told him to tell "Tom" that he was really going to far with his "jokes/statements" and that it was hurting his feelings. They have always been really good friends so we figured he just didn't realize. So last night he was saying he didn't want to go to football and could he just stay home. Mommy radar went crazy! I decided that maybe I should say something to "Tom's" mom and get her perspective. We are friends and I know she would want to know. So we talked about it I told her everything from my sons side and she called today to give her sons side. "Tom" said Noah is name calling and way to sensitive about things. She is totally easy to talk to and I just felt I needed to help navigate this time with my son. So, my husband thinks I made it worse. What do you think? Don't I need to help my son learn to communicate when he is upset? I know he has a "needy" personality but I honestly thought this was different. What age is Mom helping out only gonna make it worse or did I already screw up? I'm really afraid I am gonna make him a bigger target.
Yikes this parenting thing is waaaaayyyy harder than I thought at this age. Thanks for the help and advice!
I think you did the right thing. Now that you know Tom's side you can talk more realistically with your son. You can be a mediator along with Tom's mother to help your son's work thru this.
No, you didn't make it worse. If all the adults a still pretty mellow (and it sounds like they are), it might be a good idea to get both boys together in the same room to talk to each other with parents mediating and assisting.
Here's the basic process for mediating as practiced at our house. Note that the mediators job is to assist both parties in solving their own problem, not solve it for them. A mediated problem-solving is also a training opportunity to teach the kids how to solve it themselves next time.
1. Define the problem. The mediator helps each person take turns speaking. The mediator assists each person to define the problem in non-judgmental terms. The mediator helps summarize what each person thinks the problem is.
2. Work together to think of ideas. The mediator helps each person to be able to express their ideas. The mediator lists out ideas. The mediator may add in some new ideas as well.
3. Work together to pick a solution. The mediator does not pick a solution for the people having a problem. The mediator may help with practical information like “everyone won't get a turn if turns are an hour long.” Final decision as to acceptable solution needs to be from the people with the problem, however.
4. Try the solution. The mediator may leave at this point, or may stay involved to make sure the proposed solution is being implemented as agreed-upon.
5. If things aren't working, repeat the process. The mediator may also convert to the tools of authority and intervene with rules and instructions.
Also be aware that the "problem" may just be that your son is tired and looking for an excuse to bail on activities, or some other problem that has absolutely nothing to do "Tom".
Good luck!
7th grade is tough I am sorry your son is having a rough time- there is a lot of posturing and feather puffing in 7th grade. If your son can stand up for himself he will be fine. In talking to the other mom you have not screwed because from the way it sounds you were not accusing you were just asking. Your son will be okay but you have to remember the battles are different now and you will need to give him space to work it out.
I think you did the right thing. I think she was caught off guard and no matter who is right or wrong the mama bear instincts kick in. I am very glad that you stick up for your son. This is a hard age and peer pressure is horrible. Please encourage your son to continue with Football espcially if he enjoys it. At some point he does need to learn to cope and stand up for himself. He does need to avoid name calling though and keep a level head. I know hard to do if he is feeling targeted and attacked. Keep on top of this Mama! Hugs
You have gotten some really good advice. I would also check with the school - ours has a strict "no bullying" policy. Parents and kids sign paperwork at the beginning of the school year that even watching while someone else is getting bullied and not telling an adult is wrong. There is "peer mediation" as well, where kids help kids with adult supervision.
Most importantly, like someone below posted, kids will mature at different rates and what were once best friends get lost for a while (and sometimes come back again later) and new friends are found as personalities and interests develop. I would stress his strengths to him, see if there is anything he really enjoys and have him pursue that, if he is "too sensitive about things" then maybe the rough world of contact sports is not his best match, but perhaps his strengths lie in some other club (our school even has a handheld games club, a gardening club, a manga club, etc. but we have about 700 kids in middle school). My child is Highly Sensitive and I have used the book by Elaine Aaron as my guidebook for her since it has chapters by age group and how to help these children whose sensitivity is often seen as a negative but also comes with sooo many positives. It can be found on Amazon and maybe at your local library, and starts with a little questionnaire to see if your child fits the description. http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Ove... This book describes my child perfectly and advised to "adjust the world to her until she could adjust to it". I also had to rehearse things to say with her so she would know how to respond to someone because she was afraid to speak her mind worrying it would hurt her friends' feelings.
Maybe you will see your son in this book, or maybe not. Good luck, but regardless of how old, if your child is stuck in a situation for a while and has tried on his own, I think it is the parent's job to help them.
ok, this is tough someone else posted something like this too (bully by M.M) I feel we have to show our kids we are there for them and try to show them the right path and if you and tom's mom are friends then I think you both know what kind of parents eachother are; therefore, have a honest conversation with you son then ask for a conference with the football coach (PRIVATE) ask him what he sees, is tom distant missing practices at all? then take this to Mom of tom and ask her if you did not call has tom been complaining that school sucks, and I does not want to attend football? if not then really lets look at this for what it is ...
No one wants to believe their child is a bully and picking on a "friend". Being a kid sucks. After this I would see if I could get my son some out of the school network guidence/bully coaching some thing.
I am so sorry for him I sympathize.
I think you did great.. Now both boys know their parents are aware that something is going on.
In the future, continue to always stop before you jump into your child's situations. He will need to figure out how to handle things.. This sounded like it needed your little "push" for more info.
And the mom that said this is the age for the boys to compete on all levels is sooo, true.
Middle school is when a lot of friendships are lost or fall by the wayside, because they are not children anymore, they are young men now.
It is now more clear who is brighter academically, who is more social or popular, who is a better athlete, who in general is just more mature..
The kids start bumping people out of the way to show they are the better one, when in reality it is just that they are individuals.
Just keep the communications open with him. Ask him questions, have your husband also mention things from this time in his life.. it just makes all subjects open for discussion..
Let's look at it this way....When you were in 7th grade did you want your mother to interfere with your friend problems? My anwser is no....but I can feel your pain...it's hard not to step in when my child has problems too (he's 11).
