Did You Fall in Love or Did You Choose Your Mate?

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Very hesitantly I fell head over heels in love with my husband at 16. I say hesitantly because I was afraid....I mean, how often does teenage love like that *really* last, right?

But for us, it has. We've been together 13 years, married for 7 and have 3 beautiful little girls. He's my very best friend and I still get butterflies when he kisses me. Believe me, I KNOW how lucky and blessed I am :)

I chose him for my mate because I was in love with him. I would never choose to commit to someone with whom I wasn't in love.

Both. True love (Not just in love) is an active choice. There are people who fall in love and should not be with that person. That should have chosen a different partner. Being in love does not guarantee a healthy, happy relationship. You (I mean that in the general sense) should always be in love with who you choose, but sometimes shouldn't always choose whoever you are in love with. Love is not always enough, the person has to be the correct one.

I'm not sure that made sense, but I know what I meant ;)

I wonder if you are letting this one true love, and the pain of losing it, stay on with you and taint every single relationship you will ever have.

It is not hormonally possible to ever 'love' again as you did when your hormones were raging at the ripe age of 17. You are just not wired that way. Your body, your brain, your life, your hormones have changed....as they should.

It sounds like you hold back, so as not to get so deeply involved, so not so deeply hurt again. But that is not learning from the past ...that is being hurt by your past.

You have to believe in yourself that you have the capacity to love deeply and with fulfillment again. You can BOTH choose your mate wisely with life lasting attributes that are deeply important to you, and then you fall in love with these things...not just the pheromones of our youth.

You can fall 'in love' again. It's a mindset that you allowed your young, vulnerable heart to experience once.

I fell in love with my husband, took a break when I went to college, then a couple of years later, I chose him and fell in love with him again after we got engaged. We met when I was 16 and he was 17. We got married when I was 21. The love I felt for him at 21 was totally different than the love I thought I felt for him at 16. And the love I have for him now at 38 is still different. I wouldn't compare love at 25 to the love you had at 17 (or even to the love you had at 25). What is important to you in a husband/relationship changes as you mature, so you really can't compare it to that first love. Besides, it's easy to be in love in your youth before life gets crazy and you have more responsiblities to argue about.

I know I am about to be the annoying responder, but you did ask for advice...
You say the sex is great, things are great, then it turns out you weren't really in love. It always confuses things in a relationship when sex comes first. I would suggest falling in love first. Sex can be awesome after marriage.

I think that "falling in love" is for teenagers and as you can attest to, doesn't equate to a lasting relationship. I love seeing moms here who attest to still being "head over heels" or "madly in love with" their husbands because I think that's pretty rare. Nice when it happens but not a requirement for a lasting marriage.

My husband grew on me. We met at work and my first thought toward him was "please don't hit on me because you are sooooo not my type" LOL. We were both single parents so we became friendly and got together with our kids every now and again but I had zero interest in him. Occasionally I would think "wow he's a really good guy" or I was impressed/grateful that he did things like help me move but we really were just buddies. Then about a year after we met, we just started dating and when we started dating, I knew I'd marry him. But all googly-eyed ga-ga and in love? Never - at least not with him. I haven't felt that way about anyone since my high school boyfriend and that just ran it's course. I didn't expect to feel that as an adult and don't think it's something that's missing.

I think when you fall in love at a young age as you did, it feels really different than falling in love as an adult. I met my husband and we started dating when I was 15. I totally fell head over heels in love with him and while of course I still love him, I think falling in love at a young age is so much more EXCITING and you feel all kinds of things much more passionately and emotionately at this age. So maybe your first falling in love experience set some pretty high standards because it feels so great when it happens to teenagers.

I think it depends on your idea of what marriage is. A friend of mine has an arranged marriage (and not the barbaric kind). NO I'm not advocating that, but through my discussions with her... she just has a really great sense of committment to this marriage, that is based on so much more than emotion. They have been married 10 years and have 2 daughters. They have a sense of HAVING to make it work, because it affects their FAMILIES if they don't (and yes, they now live in America and it wasn't all barbaric - she's 35 and had any number of 'no' votes but she understood that marriage was about what would be best for her and her future family.... not about what made her 'swoon'). They don't have the option to just stop loving their spouse and decide they want to be selfish and go find someone else who makes their toes tingle, at the expense of everyone involved the way that we do in America. They work at their relationship because it is the MARRIAGE that's important - not the emotion. And they both realize they have to "love" each other and like each other and communicate and all that, but it's different because they didn't have that stuff to begin with so they had to work at figuring it out... so now they know how to do it.

Marriage didn't used to be about emotion... even in America. It was about joining farms together or finding someone to take care of you, because you didn't really have the option to take care of yourself financially. Yes, that's a bit barbaric... but once we got the ability to be 'selfish'... well, that's what we started to be. We fall in and out of love so quickly. If you don't look at all the underlying stuff (that used to be the barometer on who you decided to marry) then what do you have when the tingle in your toes goes out through your nose? Everyone knows that there are times when you are less 'in love' with your spouse. If you think that your marriage is ONLY based on love then how would you weather the period where your emotions flounder?

People think that love is an emotion. I think love is a verb. An action. The way that you behave. The way that you treat someone. Not the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach, because that can change for either one of you at any moment. And there are stages of Love - the first stage is lust.... physical attraction. People mistake THAT stage of love for the real thing. If you marry based on that stage of love (which lasts the first couple of years...) then that wears off. So, if you have based your marriage off that.... then what keeps you together?

hmmm....I did not fall head over heals in love with my husband. In fact, truth be told, I am still not head over heals in love with him. I have been hopelessly in love before and it sucked. I didn't like not being able to control my feelings! When we broke up, and I actually broke up with him, it was AWFUL! I was 22 and had dated him for 3 years. I felt miserable, lost, afraid, and sick to my stomach for months. Not gonna let that happen again.
Fast forward a couple of years and I meet my now husband. We were great friends, hung out all the time, went dancing....it was great! We were just friends so he was dating other people as was I. I got pregnant and my life hit the breaks. I had to settle down...I was going to be a mom! My friend decided that he wanted to settle down too, with me and my son (he is not the bio-dad). So, I married him...not because I was hopelessly in love, but because I knew he would be a great partner. I knew he would love my son and any more children we decided to have. I knew he would take care of us, I knew what a great friend he was.
Sometimes I wish I did have that butterfly in your gut feeling, but then I look at what we do have. We have a strong friendship. We have a strong partnership. We have 3 great kids. We have a foundation that we have built our lives on. Sometimes hopelessly in love does not give you something solid to build on. I love my husband very much and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I just don't feel like I am drowning in that love/lust. And I am okay with that!
L.
(mother to 3, wife of 9 years)

Well, let's see....when I was 16 and he was 27 we had a terrible tragic dangerous affair that went on 'til.....

....wait, it's STILL going on 28 years later, only now I wash his socks and he pays my mortgage, but otherwise our relationship hasn't changed that much. I'd still drop everything to spend 5 minutes with him.

Apparently though, I still need a little time on the marriage issue (haven't had enough time to think about it, tehehe). Soooo, as far as me choosing him, us choosing each other, well I'll let you know how that turns out.

I will say this, it's never ever boring. Which seems to suit us both.

:)

I did choose mine. I too have had the love that you talked about. The kind that you don't usually find twice. Unfortunately, it ended up one sided. He cheated, a lot, and I got hurt badly. Over the next 5 years, I dated every new guy I could find just to try to find that feeling again. I didn't. I thought I was in love a few times, but there is only that one person that I see at a gas station or park or wherever (we live in the same town) that I hurt in the pit of my stomach still today. I struggle making eye contact even. Not because he cheated, but because of the ache of knowing "that" love.

I did find my mate. He was from school and we reconnected via cyberspace. We talked on the phone a while and started hanging out. He told me he loved me since 5th grade. I quickly learned that a life with him would be great. I felt secure for the first time in 5 years. I chose to marry a soccer playing computer geek that would love me forever. 9 years and 2 kids later, I am happy. I made a great "choice".

Maybe it's a level of maturity? I think the reasons you might *fall in love with* someone at 17 are a whole lot different than your reasons at, say, 30, right?

I was attracted to my (now) husband, and we started dating, etc., but it was the internal qualities revealed over time that I admired and that REALLY made me fall in love with him. He's an excellent husband and father. Funny thing is--he never thought he wanted to have a child, and he's such a natural at it!

Although my marriage has had its share of stress (and maybe somebody else's share, too), I believe that I am living a fairytale. Being in love is great, and I am. Just as important is that we truly like and enjoy each other, and that helps us to "fall in love" on a fairly regular basis. We feel a sense of purpose together, and that takes us far on THOSE DAYS. He's "my guy", and I'm "his girl". For very specific reasons, I think that we spiritually connected and came together, but this might not jive with and for everyone. I do not believe that I consciously chose my husband until it got to a certain point, and now I consciously choose him every day. That's where it counts. I re-evaluate my marriage just about every day, so that I never have to wonder and so that any unhappiness and discomfort can't just sneak up on me and get out of hand. I feel confident by the time I kiss and hug my husband each evening that I am right where I should be.

I have had the same problem. Struggling with it now but I did remarry (still married) and have been wondering if that was fair to either of us.

I totally fell in love without realizing it. I was too busy trying to play tough like I didn't care even though it was killing me inside. I remember the night he told me he loved me and I refused to say it back. In my head though were a thousand little me's saying, "I LOVE YOU TOO!".

all that being said, I think you can choose your mate, then choose to fall in love with them. For me, that is how it worked. I chose him because he was fun, brought out the best in me, and made me smile like I hadn't in a long time...then everything just fell into place for us!

I both fell in love with and chose to marry my husband. We wouldn't have married if we didn't mesh well, love or no love.

I love telling the story of how my husband and I met, and eventually got married!

We had known eachother through friends in our high school years. I remember the first time I saw him. House party when I was 16, and he caught my eye because he was cute, and he was the only guy NOT drinking. I thought he was interesting but didnt even bother to talk to him, just made a mental note in my head that that boy was cute!

Fast forward 5 years later and he moves to N.C. for 2 years. Had no affect on me, I was actually glad to see him go because his girlfriend at the time was a "mean girl" and I could not stand her!!! He was almost like my arch enemy because she was such a witch we never wanted them around!

So they break up and he moves home after a death in the family. He gets my phone number from a mutual friend. I was living in a house with 3 other girlfriends and it happened to be a friday night and I was the only one home.. When he called i thought to myself, why the heck is he calling me? Well we went on a date that night and never spent another night without eachother!

I still get butterflies when I think about him during the day. I guess we "chose" eachother- if he didnt call to ask me on a date, and if i didnt pick up the phone that night, who knew what wouldve happened. But 6 years later and 2 beautiful children, I couldnt be happier.

Ive heard people say, "when you stop looking, thats when you find what you need"... maybe you are trying too hard to commit, so you are finding men that wont make you happy, in the way you want. If you have a good relationship now, dont throw it away because of what else might be out there... just let yourself be happy :)

Both T..
I fell in love due to experiencing a very strong spiritual connection with him. The vibes were outer worldly ,like we were meant to meet and it was a very significant sign for me that I was finally on the right path in life.I was getting my true happiness because of the right choices I made leading up to meeting him.
I chose to marry him because I felt I finally met a man who offered me support,love ,intelligence ,someone I could rely on. It took a while to get used to this as I found it quite strange to be with a strong man.
Six yrs later we are still happy and I believe he is my twin flame.
Oh,of course there are days that he pisses me off etc etc etc but thats normal marriage/partnership stuff.
So to answer your question, I believe one can choose their life partner with both their head and heart.
B. k

Really interesting question...

I met someone at 18 and thought that I was madly in love. We dated for 6 years and became engaged. In retrospect, I married him because we had common goals and would have had a lucrative life together. I do not think we would have been happy. We did not get married and I do not regret that decision.

I was really upset by that whole situation and didn't date for quite a while with any seriousness. I met my husband and that all changed quickly. I fell in love with him. I chose to marry him because I love him and all of the joy and challenges he brings to my life.

I think you never learned what love was. Love is a choice not a feeling. For example, there are plenty of times that I don't have a warm fuzzy feeling about my children. They can be tyrants! I always love them though. I chose to love the man I married and sometimes that isn't the most fun but other times it is wonderful, but it is always rewarding. The single most important thing I could ever tell anyone about relationships it to NOT have sex before marriage. It makes the entire relationship stop growing because it takes the focus off of what it is to be in a relationship and jumps to the gift you are to receive once you are married.

I was very attracted to him, but it was weird because my logical brain was the one running the show. It wasn't hormone driven like it had been with previous guys. When I realized he was the right one for me to marry, it was a logical choice. But there was love there too...just not the kind that makes you make a choice based off the hormones...if that makes sense. But once that decision was made (and, oddly enough, we hadn't actually even gone on a date when I knew I was going to marry him! It was very weird for me because I was used to guys wanting to date me asap, and he took a little while), I feel madly in love with him and think he's the most amazing guy in the world... I still feel that way almost ten years later, only it's not just hormone driven. It's a deep, true love for the man. But I like that he was a logical choice without being affected by the hormones. I just think the love needs to be there too. It can't be just a logical choice and it can't be just based on love. It needs to be based on both - logical and love.

We have been together for over 10 years (known each other/liked each other for 15 years, just friends), and, honestly it was a VERY strong physical attraction those first five years... but, as soon as we became a couple, EVERYTHING fell into place. He was/is everything I'd want a husband/father/best friend/lover to be. I'm STILL very much in love with him (this mother of his four kids still gets butterflies when I think of him!)... I'm thinking we won't ever get out of our "honeymoon phase".

But, it was more like lust/strong physical attraction (he's pretty hot, LOL) in the beginning. Things can start like that and then grow into something else. You can just be friends even, and things can grow- or not. I'd say don't expect feelings to be a certain way at first and don't force anything. I think love just IS, and there is nothing you can premeditate to happen to get there. As far as being IN LOVE, I don't think a person can control that, therefore the idea of thinking you "forgot" or are unable to be in love again would also be untrue. It could happen. It is about chemistry, compatibility, and you can't really predict it will happen again or not.

I fell in love at 19 and had too many problems so I stepped back.
I love my husband and chose to marry him because of the kind of life we were going to have together, same values, and being friends.

Okay here is my two cents. I met my husband when I was 21 and in college. He was 25 and in college as well. Our first date was wonderful. He treated me like an adult and not some trophey he put on the shelf and took down a couple of times a week. He asked my opinions and thoughts. He listened and he was the sexiest man I had ever met! Looked like Tom Selik! Yum!!! After that date, I moved back to Ohio for the summer. I had been in a relationship before I moved to Texas for college. It didn't work out and I am so glad. After a couple of weeks and a threat from the ex-boyfriend, I moved back to Texas. We spent that summer together ALLTHE TIME! It was magical and wonderful. October 27, 1985, after 5 months of dating, that sexy man got totally wasted at the frat homecoming dance and asked me to marry him! We just celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary. We have two wonderful kids. He is the only man I had sex with. Yes, I was a virgin 21 year old!!! I knew after the first date he was something special, I knew after a month he was "the one". I still feel that way. He is the sexiest man still to this day. Yum! I love him more today then I did when we got married and I will love him more tomorrow than today. He knows all my stories and I know his because we have grown together. I didn't choose him we chose each other. I'm a very lucky lady!!

I loved my husband the moment i met him. I was 14 and he was really not my type. he didnt have any of the qualities i thought i wanted. AS it turns out he was exaclty what i wanted it just took me 15 years to figure it out.

I tried not to fall in love :) I was young, in college, wanted to party, didn't want to be "tied down" to a high maintenance relationship. He had just had a baby, worked full-time, had his life together. My head kept saying it was too much, it was too intense, I didn't need to get involved, etc. My heart won out and I did fall in love with him and his daughter! 16 years later I am still madly in love with him and I can't imagine my life without him!!
Strange as it may be, I do believe I love him more now than I did on our wedding day. Building our life together, raising our children, maturing together, making daily decisions as one, knowing he comes home to me every night, living under the same roof and sharing our responsiblities ~ all these things have brought us closer and made our marriage even stronger. When I see him wrestling with the boys, bathing the little one, coaching our sons football team, holding his daughter when he hasn't been able to see her for months all makes my heart swell with more love for the man. He simply amazes me and I fall more in love with him every day!

Okie ladies, now its my turn to tell the love story, my first love( not my husband), was my senior in collage, when i first met him, it was my first day to collage, i had a feeling that i know this guy, there was some kinda attraction as if we where some soulmates frome preivious birth....we had a wonderfull relationship, he was the man to touch me first, i lost m,y virginity to him, when i was 21, but then thing didn't work out cos after his course was completed we went to work and me was still in collage completing my course,and our relationship became long distance, and his passion was lost,or maybe he was not that serious as me, then i met my husband, mine is a arranged marriage, i have 2 year old daughter now, and i have learned to love my husband, but maybe not in the way as i loved my ex..but by what my ex did to me( he started dating some other girl,when ours was a long distance) i tried a lot to hate him, but i couldn't....i was head over heels in love with him, to loose my virginity...my husband is a good man, and realy understands me a lot, and is a complete family man,, at times i do feel a guilt in my mind that he is not the first man in my life, though i know that i am the first woman in his life....