Hi all...I am very much considering divorce. I won't go into all of the issues of my marriage, but it has been dysfunctional for many years. If you are curious, you can read my other questions/posts. To make a long story short, I am married to a bi-polar, alcoholic in denial, who spends much of our income each month on alcohol instead of his family and our obligations. He is a man who takes responsibility for none of his shortcomings...it is always someone else's fault...mostly mine. He is also on medications that really make him very irritable and mean...with lots of obsessive-compulsive issues as well. He doesn't see it this way, so any effort to change meds has been blown-off by him.
I have been wanting to get a divorce for several years, but our situation is complicated because we have three young children and no extra money. In order to get money to pay an attorney I would have to sell the house first, which is not an easy task (we have tried before). I can't afford to live here on my salary and I have no family to assist me. In addition, we are down to one car, so another car would have to be secured first. While this is not impossible, it does really complicate things and the process would be long. Asking him to live elsewhere would be nice, but not only could we not afford that, I would have no confidence that I would see any money from him to pay the bills. At least now I do have some access to it.
Now I'll get to my question, I just feel like this is not the life that I was meant to have. I have tried to work on this marriage...we have been to counseling, but the issues that he has and refuses to try to address are just too big that I have no faith or trust in him. At best I am apathetic about him, and much of the time I am upset with him. I truely am numb most of the time and just see it as a matter of time before we divorce.
For those who have been divorced from a spouse, especially one like mine, did you feel immediate relief? Were you surprisingly sad after feeling numb? Did you find a much happier life for yourself and your children? Did you find someone partner or new spouse that you were meant to be with?
I am a product of divorce and my mom never dated or remarried. While I don't need a man...I am very independent, I would want that "family" connection for me and my boys. I felt like our family was so small and isolated growing up and that at least having a functional family environment would have been a positive influence rather than being alone much of the time.
Just would like some feedback on how things really turn out. I know that my life could be worse, but it is to the point that I can't see light at the end of the tunnel and it is starting to affect me in much deeper ways.
I have found that I am much better off single, even if it means working two jobs to payoff debts accumulated while married.
Because I did not have children with my first husband-- yes, the divorce was a relief. Sad, sure, but with his addiction issues, I had a better chance of maintaining a steady budget and was no longer responsible for each and every problem in our relationship (he accepted Zero responsibility).
I left him, but kept working on myself. That was far more important than trying to make him a better man.
And yes, life got better! I am now nearly 11 years with a real man who I love and who adores me and we have a 5 year old little boy together. He's a great father and takes very good care of our family (I'm currently SAHM). We certainly aren't a perfect couple, but it's been more than once recently that I've caught myself thinking "I never thought my life could be this good." That's something!
Immediate relief!! Lord no! It wasn't any worse, just different. I had the time during the divorce to figure out how I was going to support myself and my kids and I was more than unwilling to give up my lifestyle.
That was my main concern, living on my own with no one's help. I went to college, earned my masters and along the way learned the only way I can be happy is to be happy with myself. I can't expect my husband, my kids, or anyone to make me happy, I do that.
Now almost six years out, yes I am happier than I ever was married to my ex. Yes I am remarried to a wonderful man. I can tell you I never would have met or married him had I not got my own house in order first.
I guess I am saying don't look for the light at the end of the tunnel, it will come, take one day at a time.
Anyway to answer your other questions, I never felt numb, I never felt scared, never was sad, just kept looking forward.....
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I just want to add I didn't divorce for myself, this was all about my kids and protecting them. There was never any doubt I could do it because I had to do it.
Not divorced yet, but yes, IMMEDIATE RELIEF.
The peace of mind is worth everything.
Yes, divorced 2 1/2 years now, separated for 3 1/2 years and I am happy. It was a long journey to get here and I've spent the time in counseling, support groups and taking classes. Finances were less of an issue for me than it sounds like for you. But I've had some major heath issues that have kept me on hold for awhile. The most important thing for me is that my boys, who have lived with me, grew healthy along with me. They learned as I learned, mainly that we could make different choices for ourselves. Our home is peaceful and safe. More than that, we laugh and have fun together. There were some rough times getting here, but for me, it was worth it.
Maybe I should not tell you this, but I will.Remember I had no kids so I never had to see my first husband again ever.
I felt instant relief and zero pain when I divorced him. Really, he was dead weight and no matter how much he tried, our life would have always been the same. He just couldn't do any better because that was who he was. Never once did I regret it.
If you get a divorce, don't date or be friends with any men until at least two years after you finalize your divorce. Focus on you and your kids. Heal. Find out what you want.
Try to only date men you would not mind later marrying. You have three kids, so I would suggest dating men with high paying jobs. It is easier to have money than to not have money. I would have never afforded the medical care I get on a teacher's salary.
I knew it would be hard to tell my husband I wanted a divorce and then deal with his immature drama afterward, so I dreaded it and put it off way too long. We tried counseling, etc but frankly he was just a jerk and that was never going to change. As soon as the words "I am sorry but I am filing for divorce" were halfway out of my mouth, complete relief set in. No longer to be at the mercy of his whims, selfish acts and repercussions. It felt great. Still does.
I have still not met anyone to have a solid, long term relationship with and that makes me sad. However, I will take lonely single mom life over miserable married life any day. Think about it this way - you are raising your kids alone now + dealing with him. How would raising your kids alone be harder?
Good luck and hang in there.
I was married to someone similar it sounds like. I was relieved to be divorced and yes I am remarried and happy for eighteen plus years but of course I am sad at times that this didn't work out and it still affected the children despite the fact that my children didn't spend their entire childhoods with their dad. And there are the consequences: my husband was ocd, alcoholic and schizoid -not making this out of my head we went to lots of counseling. My second son is bipolar manic depressive and takes meds and he wasn't even raised by my ex. But there are pockets of happiness in life. And sadly, don't like saying this to anyone especially because I couldn't have children with my second husband, but I would seriously try to not get pregnant again under these conditions.
I did. My life now is peaceful and safe and more importantly, my SON's life is those things as well. My ex-husband has a phone-relationship with our son, which, although sad sounding, is about as much as he can handle doing really well and he does a great job in that role (they talk often, but only when ex is sober and ready to be focused on his child).
My new SO and I don't plan to be legally married, at this point (there are a couple of "ifs" that might make us go that route, but as it stands, we're good where we are), but my son is getting to be part of a stable, functioning household. SO is a WONDERFUL father-figure and the bond that he has with DS has really let DS forgive some of his dad's shortcomings because his needs are being met by SO.
There is no guarantee that your life will be different divorced in ANY way other than that you will NOT be married to your husband. For me, that was enough, I had to get my son and I out of there and it didn't matter WHAT was on the other side of that.
If you can get in to see a counselor, I'd really recommend making the time. Your medical insurance will likely cover a set number of visits for "outpatient mental health" because it sounds like you are exepriencing some anxiety and depression symptoms. Get help EVERYWHERE you can find it. You don't have to know HOW you are going to pay for divorce to start the process. Get help and get happy.
HTH
T.
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"having a functional family environment would have been a positive influence rather than being alone much of the time" You are alone, you have no security, three small children, no family support; you are walking through a "mine field" half the time, I'm sure, wondering when everything is going to blow up-you couldn't be more alone if you were on your own island. Try Al-Anon-you will meet people who are similarly situated, have overcome shocking obstacles, have learned to cope and move forward, discovered strength they never knew they possessed and generally are in a better place with less hurt and pain and God forbid, in your case...hope! While you're at it-go to Catholic Charities and get some help there-Good luck!!!!
I watched my mom erode away to nothing from a bad relationship with my father. My siblings and I begged her to kick him to the curb. He was verbally abusive and controlling and essentially dead weight on our family. It took him cheating on her and leaving for the relationship to end. She was devastated at first, but she started to gain her identity back. And our home was soooo much better without him there. After a few months, our family was soaring! She was a SAHM to 4 kids without any income, hadn't worked in 17+ years, and my father cleaned out the bank account on his way out. But we made it. Help from church friends and selling some items we had laying around got us through. My mom got out and got a job. We only had one car too, but my mom kept it somehow. Maybe she hid the keys from him, I don't know. My mom paid her divorce attorney with her wedding band. Our family wasn't prepared for this to happen, but we came out on the other side as sane, down right happy people! You can do it! Heck, if you can plan a little, that will make it that much easier. You said you had access to the money? Put a little away here and there, either in a safe place or open a separate account. Talk to friends, etc. and see if anyone's willing to help you out. Look for a job, even if it's not much. The bottom line is, if you are convinced that this relationship is dragging you and your kids down, then get out. You, by maternal instinct, are a survivor and the sole-protector of your young. You WILL make it.
My husband was not mean or violent during our marriage, but he is an alcoholic who doesn’t like the responsibility of being married and raising children and never apologizes for any of his shortcoming or if does anything wrong; we never really had much of a family life and I was constantly upset and bitter. I was feeling like I was getting nothing out of this marriage anymore, no help (financial or with the house or the kids), no companionship, no romance and was starting to affect my relationship with my kids because I was always upset.
He moved out a few weeks ago and I’m truly doing much better, I still have no help, but I’m now the captain of my own ship and it’s not my problem anymore if he drinks and chooses to stay out late or not come home at all.
I was fortunate that although it will be tough, I was always the one in charge financially anyway and I was always alone with the kids before, so it won’t make much of a difference. I also know I have the support of my family if I need it (even though they live far away) and great friends who have also offered their help with the kids if I need time alone.
Good luck to you!
I was unhappily married to an emotional, manipulative, self-centered abuser for 20 years. When I finally realized everything wrong with his life was not my fault, I ended the marriage. The relief felt after he moved out was immediate. I kid you not. My children thought our home life was normal and until they saw the dark cloud disappear with his moving out. I didn't realize how unhappy I was (or looked) until afterward. It must have taken years off my appearance and entire demeanor because even others noticed the difference in me. I won't lie. Divorce is very hard on everyone. But living in an unhealthy relationship/environment is worse for everyone involved. I'm happier now than I have been my entire adult life. I'm free to be me and not the person I was told to be. I am now in a healthy loving relationship with a great man. He did wonders for my self esteem. However, I caution you to not seek someone else until you take care of you and heal your wounds. It sounds like you need counseling on your own. Get it! Best investment I made for myself while going through the whole ordeal. You'll make a much better partner for someone else if you can stand on your own two feet, are confident in who you are and have direction in your life. Do not set yourself up to be dependant on anyone. Don't find someone because you need him, rather find someone that enhances who you already are. You'll find happiness in that. I promise. There are sources out there to help you with the divorce. Contact a legal aid center or women's shelter in your community. They can help you or at least point you in the right direction. Set up a plan before you do anything. Get help from family...talk to them if you haven't already. I could go on and on. Best of luck to you!
