Disappointing Mothers Day

Wow I had no idea how many men were like mine...completely clueless! The other day my girlfriend told me she was going shopping for her mother and I broke down (I'm 4 months pregnant and super emotional) I absoluetly forgot about Mother's day and knew for a fact that my other half did as well. After I got off the phone I was bawling and he swears he didn't forget about it and we started arguing. He ended up getting me a card from my son aand it was actually a sweet card. About two years ago for my Birthday he bought a card that said Happy Birthday Niece and put a 20 inside...I took the money and cried. He's a little dyslexic and thought it said nice not niece, whatever!
I am so glad that my son will be joining his older sister in school next year because I absolutely love the gifts they bring home. This year my daughter made me a coupon book and a card and it was all I needed to smile:)
Oh yeah I met my girlfriend at Perkin's later that day and she brought me a plant and a card just in case, She's the best!!

You did what you could by telling him and if he cares he'll do something more next year. My husband got me a card and so did my kids. I thought I'd get relief from Mama duties but no such luck. I'm not about to complain because if I did get relief he'd do it on his time and it wouldn't be up to par. Maybe you can suggest going out to a dinner this weekend to celebrate Mother's Day.

I've had similar disappointments in my nearly 20 years of marriage...let me tell you what I've learned. It is never intentional (assuming your husband is a well-intentioned man). Sometimes what means so much to us, is not natural for a guy; its just not their thing. (Just like what is important to them is not our thing.) Then, to make matters worse, we women (who like to talk things out) talk to our husbands about their falling short of expectations. I DO think its fine to talk to him about this but remember, a quick reminder will get you much further than trying to drill it into his head. Men shut down when they feel like they've let you down. From a man's point of view, they stop talking because they feel so ashamed, from a woman's point of view, the man stops talking because he doesn't care. He does care! Try saying something like this, "Honey, you probably didn't realize that I was hoping for you to make a big deal out of Mother's Day. I still think you're the greatest so if you remind me how much you love me, you'll probably be off the hook. :)" Then watch and acknowledge his efforts over the next few days to make it up to you. It may not be with gifts, etc, but watch, he'll be doing what he can; our job is to recognize it.

In a couple of weeks (after the Mother's Day thoughts are gone), tell him that it would mean a lot to you if he'd make a big deal out of certain days. Let him know that you understand that its not his thing so you don't expect him to always remember. Ask him if he'd like to be reminded as the day approaches. This will open up communication so he'll know your expectations and you'll know if he wants reminders.

I hope my ramblings made sense.

Oh, and BTW- Happy Mother's Day! There are people in your life that absolutely cherish you and appreciate you beyond what a gift or words could say. They say it every day with hugs and kisses.

What I found the most rewarding yesterday wasn't what my husband gave me - a card, a catalog so I could look at the pictures and a CD but what the kids gave me. They are 4 and 6 so they are starting to "get it". Thoughout the day without prompting they kept giving me hugs and kisses with words like "I love you" and "Happy Mother's Day". The projects they made at school are more precious than anything they could have bought - according to my daughter(6), I'm 7 feet tall. Yesterday, I felt 7 feet tall in her eyes. Or the flower pot with the skinny zennia seedlings in it that my son is very proud of. Step back and remember the kids hugs and how much they love you. Their love is the best part of being a Mom for me. P.

Hi K., I am sorry to hear that! Did he just plainly forget? I agree with the last comment, tell him your very hurt and your doing a re-do next Sunday. Guys can be very naive putting it nicely :-) He may not of meant to hurt you. You are a great mom!

Hey K.,

I kind of know how you feel, I did get flowers 3 days before Sunday but no card on Sunday, it seemed just like any other day. This is his 2nd Mothers Day so I expected something. He did say Happy Mother's Day on Sunday but it ended there... ever since we have been going out we would either go to his parent's or my parent's for Mother's Day so I know he 'celebrates' the day.

I did all the normal mom stuff... got my daughter up, bathed her, dressed her and so on (I love doing this but it would have been nice if the hubby would have said relax I got it). It just put me in a bad mood... so on the way to my parent's I told him I was disappointed that he did not get me a card or a card from my daughter and that he sat and watched TV while I got my daughter bathed, dressed and fed.

I think he got the point because on the way home Sunday night he got me a dairy queen mom's day cake (which is yummy). I told him thanks. Hopefully next year will be better since we talked... I also looked up the history because my hubby brought up that it is just a made up holiday by the card industry. The holiday was actually rooted in a spiritual celebration of motherhood (Egypt, Europe)... it was a day where distant children came back to see mom and friends and family would lavish mom with cakes and flowers. Below is when it was officially made a holiday (note not started by the card industry).

US Government Adoption
In 1908 a U.S. Senator from Nebraska, Elmer Burkett, proposed making Mother's Day a national holiday at the request of the Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA). The proposal was defeated, but by 1909 forty-six states were holding Mother's Day services as well as parts of Canada and Mexico.
Anna Jarvis quit working and devoted herself full time to the creation of Mother's Day, endlessly petitioning state governments, business leaders, women groups, churches and other institutions and organizations. She finally convinced the World's Sunday School Association to back her, a key influence over state legislators and congress. In 1912 West Virginia became the first state to officially recognize Mother's Day, and in 1914 Woodrow Wilson signed it into national observance, declaring the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.

Dear K., I totally agree with Connie on the book "Five Love Languages". It really helped my hubby and I realize what makes the other feel appreciated and loved.
Sometimes we just don't realize what is important to our spouse and things just get messy. This book helps the communication process alot. Don't be afraid to express yourself in a loving way. I always tell my hubby when I feel hurt by him. It keeps hurt from piling up in my heart.
Your feelings are valid. You told him that it hurt you. Did he respond in any way? This is a good opportunity to talk about this stuff and then let it go. That's all you can do. If you hang on to it then you are only hurting yourself.
K., you are a GIFT to your family! I hope that your heart can heal from this and that you will be BLESSED.

To be honest...I don't care if my hubby does something for me...I'm not his mom. But, I do care of he did something to help my kids remember me on that day...so if I get something from my daughter...I'm happy! She drew me a card with a picture and some hearts, and she they picked up a flower for me to plant in my garden this spring. That's it, and that's all I needed. So...don't worry if HE recognizes you...you're not his mother. As long as your kids have something for you...then that really should be enough.

All the responses are good...but another thing. Join the club! Mine did nothing either(in the way of gifts) but he DID clean the house for me (for the first time in our marriage) and he had the kids give me breakfast in bed - which was more for the kids than me he said (because I said I didn't want that). I still got upset last night, but after a good night's rest, i am over it I think??

My sister's hubby was an ass! I hope I can say that, because he truly was. Her birthday is the first week in May too.
When they had their first and only child, he never did anything for first mother's day or her birthday. He never heven said Happy's Mother's Day.

I took care of that and invited all my sisters over & we made a cake and made her day special. He was working out of state. He didn't even come home for the day.

Soem guys are like that. She was in tears. It was an emotional time. But after the years past, (6 years) it doesn't even phase her.
She had her 40th birthday and he wasn't going to anything for that either. So us sisters gathered up the family and we had a surprise BD party at my place.

My heart goes out to you.

The only thing I ask every year from my family is that they go to church with me. They both ended up working. So we went and visited my MIL who is in a nursing home.

Gotta find the positive. Some men just don't get it.

You are loved and thought of!

Happy Mother's Day & God Bless!

J.

I'm so sorry that you had a disappointing Mother's Day! I imagine you're in a dark place when it comes to your husband...I would be. But my only suggestion would be to talk to him about it again during a time when you are calm and he also seems in an upbeat mood.

Try to describe how you feel and what you had hoped for. Ask him about how his family celebrated Mother's Day and Father's Day when he was growing up and then acknowledge that that's where he's coming from, but then explain your hopes for your family celebrating Mother's Day and Father's Day.

Hopefully you both will then be on the same page for future celebrations. Again, I'm sorry for your day yesterday, but I hope you took some comfort in your little one(s) and your love for them...and their's for you! And if nothing else, know that in a few years, your children can do their own presents and such to show you how much you're appreciated!!! :)

I had a friend who told her husband exactly what she wanted for him to do. It started with Champagne breakfast in bed with a menu that she picked and then a list of other activities for the day.

Thought it was a little over bearing at first, but then realized why the heck not. It's her day and it's what she wants to do. I'm not that demanding, but I still tell my husband what I want to do. Every year there is a plant sale that we go to as a family and we go shopping for some plants as my present. Now I just have to work on the brunch plans so we can do that next year, other wise you just go to McDonald's or have to make lunch yourself.

So pick something that you want to do and tell him that's what your doing. If you want to go to the movie or Minnehaha falls or the zoo. Pick something and tell him this is what we're doing. You can't expect him to figure stuff out on his own, because let's face it.....He's just a man :)

Another thought. Since he bombed this Sunday tell him your doing a do-over next Sunday.

I can empathize with how you feel. My husband did the same, except I don't think he even said happy mother's day. I told mine that I thought it was rude and that it hurt my feelings as well. We make father's day nice for him and it would be nice to have the favor returned. My husband said that he didn't care about father's day either.

My children are getting older, so when we went to Hallmark on Saturday my daughter picked out a card for me and snuck it into my pile. The kids fought with each other and it just was not the peaceful day I was looking for.

In the end I know that they may not show it now, but as they get older they will become to understand all that I haev done for them. I wish my husband would understand and be that husband that we all would like to have, but I know that he isn't and by dwelling on it only makes me feel bad.

Even though they may not show it and you don't feel it, know that you are appreciated and are making a difference.

I think this is pretty common. I am on another mom website and it was like 50/50 with those who were happy those who were unhappy with mother's day. I think some guys just suck. They don't know how to go about it and it isn't important to them, they must just not be very sensitive or romantic.

I too have crappy Mother's Days etc.. My Grandma sends my daughter money to go out and shop for me becuase she knows noone else will do so or care. I am pregnant with my second child and engaged again. There will be a 7 year differnce in my children and relationships between guys. Anyways this is my second time being engaged and my second time having a guy who just doens't get it when it comes to making us feel special and appreciated on our Mom Day. My current fiance is trying he has something planned for the end of the month because he had to work yesterday but still my day sucked too. I didn't even get dressed. I laid in my pjs all day and watch Lifetime movies. It doesn't help to hear about all the mom's who had incredible days filled with gifts, flowers, having brunch and their houses cleaned.

I will remember this on Father's Day though. I won't try to get even or stoop to his level but I'm certainly not going to go all out.

I'm glad your doing okay; it's good to get the updates on people's lives. We have had a variety of mothers days, some good and some not so good. This year, I decided that I was going to organize my own mother's weekend! And I did it knowing my family's limitations and personal styles and schedules. I was out all day on Sunday doing my own thing and I loved it. I didn't expect flowers or the house cleaned up (my favorite things) - but I gave them a list of a couple of nice things that they could get me at the mall and that was that. My husband made dinner and cleaned up, which was also nice - but certainly not champagne in bed or anything. I didn't do anything for my mom but call her and we promised that the next time we're together it would be our mother's day. She loved the idea of spreading it out. So, don't give up hope or have any preconceived ideas about what mothers day "should" be. It's a trap. Enjoy being a mom and a wife. They are truly gifts to us that many people wished they had. (p.s. I really believe that for the most part we need to train our husbands to respond to our needs and it's not easy and it takes a long, long time. A friend's Dad told me the other day that after 57 years of marriage he thinks he may finally have it figured out. Be patient.)

I totally know how you feel! My husband and boys did a fantastic job this year, but it's the first time!!! All years previous, it was pretty much like every other Sunday except for the frequent exclamations of, "Happy Mother's Day!" and the occasional last-minute gift or card.
I think most men do not understand what a mother's job entails. They have no clue of the work and sacrifice involved in raising children. I don't know exactly what made the difference this year to make him finally clue in.
You didn't say how long you have been married or how many children you have. It could be that he just needs time (years, possibly) and some more experience caring for your children so he can get a glimpse of what you do. If that doesn't work, forget about subtle hints- you're going to have to spell it out for him.
Good luck!

K.,
I'm so sorry that you were not acknowledged on a day that must be very special to you.

There is a wonderful book ... The Five Love Languages ... by Gary Chapman. Chapman describes the 5 different ways that humans feel loved and express love. You and your husband might just have different ways of expressing love and if you can understand your differences it might be useful for situations like this. My husband and I had many "aha" moments as we discovered that his primary love language is 'gifts' and my primary love language is 'acts of service.' Before we discovered this book we had many times when neither of us felt loved yet we were both expressing love but in different ways.

Good luck!

K.,
I really agree with Dina's advice. I read through what everyone said because I didn't have a great Mother's Day either. I felt under-appreciated as well. I have been working my tail off (and am exhausted)because we are finishing our basement and I am 7 weeks from giving birth to our second son. The day before we bought a new television for my husband and he jokingly said "happy mother's day." Unless you are married to a romantic, don't expect big surprises from a man! He did get me a card from himself and one from my 3-yr old - and said "happy Mother's Day" once. He worked on projects all day and I did all of the mommy things I always do. I know that God appreciates my sacrifices as a mom. I am sure there are more moms out there with experiences like ours rather than ones who are blown away by their husbands' thoughtfulness, ya know? You are not alone! Just remember that we are the only ones that can make ourselves happy. Next Mother's day plan what you want to do for the day and just say "we are having a picnic at the park today" or whatever you want to do. I am sure you will be making the food yourself, but at least it would be something relaxing and pleasant that you wanted to do. S.

You have to talk to him about it. Tell him it means alot to you for him to make a bigger deal of Mother's Day, even if he thinks it's just a "hallmark" holiday. He wont know that he needs to fix it if he doesn't know that it's broken. Try not to be angry. Ask him what his family used to do (maybe his family didn't celebrate). Let him know you want things to be different in your family. It's hard to what else to say, I dont know how long you have been married, if this is your first mother's day. etc... but you have to talk to him. Maybe he was upset with you about something and he was "punishing" you with his actions (?). No matter what his reason, the most productive thing you can do is sit him down and tell him how you feel and what you'd wish he'd done instead. Good luck.