I grew up with my family so maybe my expectation is a too high. Every year my dad sends a huge bouquet of roses to my mom's office, and always gets her a very nice gift (Always something she needs too, like a new mixer or coffee maker... In red because that's her favorite color). Then we all get together at my grandma's (All of my aunts/uncles and first cousins, and of course my parents and my siblings). We have a nice lunch, eat some cake, exchange gifts/cards, and play some games (We're a game family). Now I'm not saying that I need a big expensive gift or anything, but a card and maybe letting me sleep in that morning would be appreciated.
The year I was pregnant with Oliver, I was so excited because in my mind I start being a mother the day I get pregnant. Justin, who is Oliver's father but was "just" my boyfriend back then, didn't even say happy mother's day. My parent's got me a nice card and so did my best friend, but that was it. My family teased Justin about it for a couple minutes but I wasn't too hurt by it. I understand that some people just don't consider moms moms until after the baby is born.
The next year Oliver was about 6 months old (A little over). Justin said happy mother's day, but that was it. I didn't get a card or flowers or a gift... From him or from Oliver (In my family, the cows give my dad a gift on Christmas day so it wouldn't be unusual for a 6 month old baby to give his mom a gift on mother's day). His reasoning was that I'm not his mother and Oliver, who is a 6 month old baby, couldn't possibly give me a gift. So my aunt took him aside and explained how this kind of thing works in our family. Okay, I was a little hurt, but no big deal. By the end of the day we were all laughing about it.
Now, you'd think that he'd get it right this year... Right? Wrong. Of course, it's fishing opener this year just as it has been in the past. He went fishing with his friends Friday night and all day on Saturday. He was supposed to go fishing early this morning and then get ready and come over to my grandmas for the celebration/party. One of my aunts is in the hospital right now (See previous post for more details on that) and is getting worse each day. So my grandparents, one of my other aunts, and one of my sisters are going down there to visit but they will be back by 3. That still leaves my parents, me,my other sister, her boyfriend, my son, my other other aunt, my cousin, her dad, and his mom that will be here by 1 or 1:30. Somehow Justin thought that no one was going to be here and that we were no longer celebrating it here. So now he's out fishing with his friends still. He won't get here till 4 at the earliest.
I know I shouldn't be mad. I know. It was a mis-communication. It isn't anybody's fault. I should make the best of it. Still, I can't help but feel a little jipped. Maybe I'm just grumpy because I can't have my pain meds (I had another allergic reaction. When I called to get my prescription changed they told me to call 911 and go to the ER via ambulance because with my history of allergic reactions it could turn into a life or death situation very quickly (Some meds make it hard for me to breathe). I'm sorry. I just got done paying off the ambulance bill from 2 years ago. I'm not about to start that all over again because my skin itches, nor am I going to go in to the ER (It was a Saturday) over that. I stopped taking the old meds, but never did get my prescription changed. The pain wasn't too bad yesterday so I thought I would be okay without it. Now today it's back with a vengeance and I get to clean grandma's house before guests start arriving).
ANYWAYS, anyone else having a bad mother's day?
P.S Not that it matters but the year I was pregnant with Oliver I got Justin a father's day card and the next year I got him a small gift (Under $10).
The funny thing is, this year I actually told him what I wanted. I have a small obsession with picture frames, but try hard not to spend money on them (Considering I already have at least 20 and none of them have pictures in them yet). I saw a picture frame in a store that I really wanted about a month ago so I took his hand, walked him over there and told him that that was what I wanted for mother's day (It was between $10-$15) and that it could be from him AND from Oliver. Last week I reminded him about the picture frame. Well, we haven't done cards/gifts yet at grandmas house but he didn't walk in with anything when he finally got here so I'm not getting my hopes up for that picture frame.
I grew up very poor. My dad owns/operates a farm that actually loses money every year (It's been in our family for over 100 years, so it's not going anywhere). My mom always worked 2 jobs just to get the necessities, like food and clothing. But our family is very close. We use any excuse we can to get together and "party" (Play board games until 3am while drinking pop and munching on chips, Lol). We always give each other gifts for any little occasion. Justin grew up quite the opposite. His grandparents were very wealthy and now his parents are pretty well off as well. But his family wasn't close. They were always fighting and backstabbing each other. They got one big gift on Birthdays and another one on Christmas. So I know that it's just how he grew up, and I'll work hard to "re-train" him. ;)
Oh, and as for the fishing... It's fishing opener here this weekend. In a state where at least 80% of people fish... It's a big deal. I told him he could go Friday and Saturday. It was the mis-communication we had about today that lead to him fishing today. He is great every other holiday, and is pretty darn good the "regular" days during the year as well. It's just today that he has problems. Lol
I am blessed and thankful to be a mom. My daughters are my gift. I am spending time with them today. That's all I need. I never have a bad Mother's Day because I have no expectations other than to hang with my girls. :-)
I think even though it was a miscommunication, you still need to sit down and talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. because you need that release. I am very sorry for you that things have been unpleasant as far as this day goes, but he needs to step up a bit more and show that he cares or he will keep going fishing on mday and keep letting these things slide in his mind. If anything I hope this will help you vent a little. :)
good luck V., and Happy Mother's Day to you xxxx
Some men aren't good at all this obligatory stuff. My dh doesn't do much either, but his family wasn't much into all that stuff and neither was mine. Be concerned with how he treats you day to day, not on all the "made up" holidays which are just a bunch of marketing hype.
I am fortunate to be a mother every single day of the year, I don't need a random Sunday in may with inflated expectations. My daughter will be waiting tables all day and night and hopefully will create some great experiences for many families.
Unfortunately my great friend lost her son to cystic fibrosis on Friday....I know she is having a bad mother's day. It sure can put things in perspective.
Like Bobbi said, my kids are my mother's day present and as long as I have them, I'm happy! I don't set myself up for disappointment.
I got a really nice text from my SS, a call from my SD, and a hug from my 10 year-old daughter with a "Happy Mommies Day!" Who could ask for anything more?
Your family makes a HUGE deal out of Mother's Day from your description, IMO. I would be uncomfortable with all that going on.
The men need to be raised by their fathers to honor their mother (and wife) on mothers day. Or else you will have a few years of training on your hands.
Added: And I do not feel jipped today. Yes my kids did not let me sleep in. My 7 year old daughter made me something at school and she could not contain herself to give it to me. My 4 year old was just as excited. When I first heard them of course I wanted to sleep. But the were excited to honor me on mother's day. How could I feel jipped. My husband is making me breakfast (and I keep having to tell him how to do it over and over) and I was checking on a few blogs I follow. Then I remembered the most recent one I found. The baby with the bucket list:
and I can't help but feel like THIS baby's mom is the one who is jipped. Her baby died 2 weeks ago. Before her "first" mother's day as a mom. Yeah she is the one that is jipped.
Well if you do not make it VERY clear he will not get it. You should be celebrated on Mothers Day. He is being selfish if you ask me. Make it known that he may not think its a big deal but YOU do! And I hope you fell better today also. Spend today with your son and have a great day. Tell him tomorrow how you feel.
I think it has a lot to do with how things were done in a person's family, or how they weren't done. First off, you need to tell him what you need for Mother's Day... Some men didn't grow up with traditions and some needs lots of training. He is a relatively new dad, so he may have no idea what is "supposed" to happen on Mother's Day. You have to tell him how you feel how much it hurts, when he ignores the day, or he will never know, & it will never change.
Now, yes, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. It's quite a possibility that he's just inconsiderate & not very sentimental, and to be honest, a little selfish, or a lot selfish - what dad goes fishing on Mother's Day weekend & leave the mom of their baby son to do so?
What does he do for your birthday? Christmas? If it's the same on those special days, then this may just be who he is. Try to work on training him in the meantime & not having huge expectations.
I got about some Mother's Day related crafts & cards from my DD, a card from DH, some tulips & breakfast out & that was enough for me.
If you have expectations you need to communicate that. No one can read your mind. It is up to you to make your expectations known.
I don't have expectations.... It is another day and we do things for each other routinely and when we need it, not wait for a holiday. I am blessed with good health, stable and secure family, beautiful daughter and there is nothing I could ask for or want.
As for my day, we went to the traditional brunch at the country club and my 17 yr old daughter wrote a beautiful poem of appreciation to me . On top of that, it is a beautiful day.
Here is a novel idea- Tell your husband what you need. And don't wait until you are so hurt that it comes out in a burst of emotion. The kind thing to do is tell him what you need before hand so he has and opportunity to get it right. I'm not trying to defend your dunce of a husband, but he can't read your mind. fill him in.
Seems like you expect a lot on Mother's Day because that's what you grew up with.
For most of the people I know, including our large extended family, it's pretty low key, cards, flowers, some people take mom and/or grandma out for a brunch or dinner.
When your kids are of that certain age they love to make you gifts and cards which to me is what Mother's Day is all about: kids showing appreciation for their moms.
I expect my husband to appreciate HIS mom on mother's day, not me! (Though I do have to "remind" him to call her and send her flowers.)
Just my take on it :)
Happy Mother's Day!
He sounds like a real considerate one! You got a long road of disappointments girl.
I agree with Kiki. It is all in the communication. My husband was like that too. If I recall I think we both acknowledged our respective Mothers/Fathers Day verbally when I was pregnant but didn't exchange gifts. My husband didn't do anything for the first Mother's Day after my son was born. He didn't realize he was supposed to. Like your boyfriend, he thought he was only supposed to honor his own mother and our son was too young to do that. I felt hurt and upset but then I figured he already gave me the best gift he could possibly give me to honor me as a mother-my son and daughter! So I chose to be happy with that over anything else.
We do celebrate now. For this Mother's Day he offered to get me an iphone because I need a new phone soon. ( I still currently use a flip phone that is no longer made, but it still works fine! lol) What I really wanted was a water feature for our covered deck, so he got me that instead. I feel like the phone is a necessity that I will eventually get, but the water fountain is an indulgence I would never gotten for myself. This way I end up with both! :-)
Happy Mother's Day to you!
A.
If he didn't get you a card or gift from your child, then that's not a miscommunication, it's that he is not showing you respect or value as a mother. While it's not right to expect him to fall in line with your family's traditions, he should have been taught by his own parents how to treat the mother of his child. Did he grow up in a single parent household, where he didn't see someone set the example of how to treat mom on mothers day? Saying that you are not HIS mother is not acceptable. You are the mother of his child and it's his job to celebrate you on mother's day. Forcing him to do it won't make it come from the heart. Apparently, this is just not that important to him. If my son treated his wife/fiancee/girlfriend in this manner, I'd be embarrassed for having done a poor job as a mother. It's not about how it works in your family, he's not obligated to do that, but it is normal that when you have children together and are a couple, that the mother/father gives the other ones gifts from the children, and to show that you value the other person because you are supposed to be parenting together.
Mothers day was one of the few 'good' holidays in my marriage, because I outlined EXACTLY what would happen.
This is important to me. If you want me to ignore fathers day because you're not my father... I will. HOWEVER I am kiddo's mother an he needs your help celebrating HIS mother until he's 10 or 12. Just like he needs help with Christmases, birthdays, and playdates. You don't let him sit in a dirty diaper because it's not YOUR bum that needs wiping, or just let him bleed because it's not YOUR arm that needs a bandaid. Or toss him the keys brcausr its not YOUR playdate. Hes a kid. You help him
Then about a week before, Id outline the schedule of events
My exhusband really got behind mothers day, because he's the kind of guy who needs simple clear direction, and he got tons of praise from his friends who'd screwed it up and gotten in the doghouse. LOL some even tried to copy our plans, but I'm a bit quirky so that didn't usually work out. GUYS ask YOUR wives what THEY want.
THIS year, it's just my son and me. Best year ever .:)
im pregnant with my first right now .. ive gotten tons of happy mothers day wishes from family and friends.. my fiances still sleeping so i guess we'll see whenever he decides to wake up
I don't like it how you make excuses for how you are feeling at the end. Your feelings are valid here and quite frankly your DH DID "jip" you. I think you need to have a heart to heart with him tonight and really tell him how you feel about this. He is 100% in the wrong here and I do think that he knows it but he has grown accustomed to you giving him the hall pass and overlooking or excusing his bad behavior.
Aww, hun. :( Sorry this day didn't go as planned for you! It must be hard to see the "ideal" when growing up and then get next to nothing. I hope he gets there at 4 and makes it up to you!
I've learned a long time ago that (a) don't get your hopes up unless you've bought your gift yourself, and (b) BUY yourself something! That way you're never disappointed!
For what it's worth, I had a crappy mother's day too. DH was mad that I didn't use his "gift" (he apparently wanted me to sit on the couch and do nothing for 12 hours, and NOT cover my chores - like feeding the kids!) and is now giving me the silent treatment all day. Oh well....just a few more hours to suffer through until Monday!
In my experience it is very hard for a person to change. In my husband's family they do not make a big deal out of holidays/birthdays. His parents do not place value on giving gifts and growing up they would give only a few gifts to each of their kids on Christmas. Birthdays were not that big of a deal. So, as an adult my husband does not make a big deal out of these holidays..he just does not think of it. In my family my mom (a single mom) made a huge deal out of holidays and went overboard every time. My husband and I totally disagree on this, but he pretty much goes along with what I plan out. He'd like to give each of our kids one gift from Santa and one from us. CRAZY. I want to give them about 3 from Santa and 4 from us (this is totally paring it down compared to what my mom used to do). I think yes, you should tell you husband how you feel and what you expect. BUT don't expect him to every really remember...sadly, I think that it's very ingrained in him not to do the things your family did (your family sounds awesome, by the way). So, what you should do every year from now on is take charge of mother's day. Plan out a nice brunch at a restaurant. Tell your husband what gift to get you...what new blender or whatever. Or go buy it yourself if necessary. Give him multiple reminders. Tell him you EXPECT to get flowers and a card on Sunday morning...or remind him to go shopping for the mother's day breakfast he is going to serve you in bed. I'm sorry that you have to do it like this, but if you don't expect him to be like your family you will not be hurt and disappointed every year. And do always plan out a celebration for yourself...your husband will hopefully get better at this with time. PS - My family and I just got back from a camping trip today. My husband and kids just told me happy mother's day. I bought myself a beautiful new scarf...or I picked it out and had my hubby go buy it today. Some years my husband does better than this year, but some years mother's day is a bit low key.
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I had to teach my husband that the kids could at least make me a card! His family isn't big in celebrations, and well, mine isn't either. I'm happy to be here for my kids every day, sleep in today, and that they made me cards at school this year. My mom is in heaven so all I would really want is to have her back here!
You may not be his mother but he MADE YOU A MOTHER! We didn't really do anything special but thats because the budget is tight and I know my husband wanted to do something.
I'm so sorry your Mother's Day was so difficult. You are blessed to be the mother of a healthy little boy and should be celebrating! Please make sure he realizes in the future it is up to him to "help" his son celebrate his mother until he is old enough to drive himself to a store. If he is more considerate on Valentines Day, your birthday, etc then maybe it is just a misunderstanding. If it is always like this, he's out with the guys....then he is too immature for family life and I hope he grows up quickly!
I loved my Mother's Day! I got to spend the day with my kids and my partner. We made breakfast together and then worked in the garden, and are now at the inlaws where the kids are all playing outside together and us grown ups are relaxing on the back patio. What a great day! I don't need "stuff" to enjoy being a mom. I just want to spend the day together.
But if the "stuff" is important to you, then you need to tell him. You need to tell him that it hurt your feelings and that you really want him to try and remember next year. And then next year, remind him a few weeks before how much Mother's Day means to you. That way he doesn't have an excuse! But you need to try and give a little too, and not get so hurt about not getting expensive flowers that will die in a week.
