Discipline

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K.

My mom gave me a tip that has worked pretty well for my kids. If they act up in church, they don't get to go outside and run around. That is exactly what they want. Instead they get to go out and just sit in a chair in the lobby, or they get held on a parent's lap. Even if they struggle. This is easier said than done by the way. But you have to make it more fun to sit quietly in church and look at a book or color or something than it is to go out. Now all I have to say to my kids is "Do you need to go out?" and they shape right up. Like I said though, easier said than done, and it will for sure try your patience.

As far as the other behavior goes, maybe you could try making her a sticker chart and rewarding the good behavior instead?
I know it helps with my kids when I "catch" them being good and praise the heck out of them for that. They always try harder to be good so I will catch them being good and offer more praise.

Good luck and be sure to let us know if any of the advice helps!

Hi D.,
So much to say about 3 year old behavior! (I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and have many years of experience w/little and big ones). As a mother and a former teacher- the BEST book I've read is called "1-2-3 Magic." There is also a video- which I got from the library since I knew my husband wouldn't read the book- It's fantastic- very simple- and can be used w/all ages of kids. It has really helped us w/our "spirited" (headstrong) little girl. :) I can tell you more about it if you're interested..
L.
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I was having problems with son, when he was a little over a year old. His pediatrician recomended time out, and it has been a life saver becuase you can do time out just about anywhere. You have her sit down in a quiet area, 1 min. for each year of her age. So she would be in time out for 3 min. If she starts talking or moving you start over, if she just fiddles with her fingers thats ok. When time out if over ask her if she knows why she was put in time out, if she does have her tell you in her words. Give her a hug and let her play. It will help her to learn from her bad behavior.

Hope this works
R.

Hi D....

Ah, three year olds...such joy and such work. Most of my friends and I agree that it really should be terrible threes not twos. Have you ever read the book (though with four kids, you probably don't have the time), Parenting with Love and Logic? The basis philosophy (atleast from my perspective)is if you can't change the behavior, you change the location. If she can't behave or calm herself down, she needs to be removed from whereever she's melting down. It's all about the rights of the family and she's impeding them. At home, put her in her room (stay as unemotional as you can) until she calms down. Out of the home (like church), take her and put her in her carseat (you can stay out of the car so you don't have to listen) until she can calm down. Hitting should absolutely not be allowed. Everytime my 2 1/2 year old hits his older sister, it's straight to time out...no second chances. She can freak out but you don't have to listen or be abused by it.

It's always easier to preach than to practice. I'm a type A personality and yelling comes very easy. I have to try with every cell in my body to stay calm and keep my emotions out of the situation. It's not about them being bad or inflicting pain, they are expressing themselves the only way they know how to. Talking to them about their behavior should be saved for a calm time after the meltdown, not during. They won't hear you.

Lastly, make sure she's getting enough sleep. This is the number one cause of out of control behavior in our house (mostly with my five year old though). My toddler sleeps 11 hours at night and then takes a 2-3 hour nap during the day. It helps his moods tremendously and typically all I have to do to nip a meltdown in the bud is to distract him or make him laugh.

Good luck! I applaud you for your parental generosity in adopting four children. You are amazing!

C.

I think that this kind of behavior is normal for this age. She's really testing you to see where her boundaries are. Decide now how you will discipline her (e.g. time-outs, etc.) and then give her warning when she starts acting out that if she continues in her present behavior she'll be punished. She'll soon learn where the "line" is and cross that line much less.

As specific advice, I recommend not letting her run around in the halls at church. If she figures out that all she has to do to get out of the room where she's supposed to be quiet is act up and yell, you'll seldom be able to enjoy a sunday service. If she needs to be taken out of the meeting, sit with her in a chair until she's ready to go back inside. Don't let her run around; she needs to learn that church is a place where we are reverent. Hope that makes sense.

Good luck!

D.,

Log onto www.hlps.org. Look under class schedule. There
is a program called "Mother, May I" that addresses your concerns. Also there are many other free programs taught
by health and educational professionals about children's needs.
Many of the programs are free as they are sponsored by grants
and community organizations.

I once was a nanny for a child that they called the "King of the House." It took about 2 weeks, but I put him in time out every time he did something I didn't like (no warnings!). He was almost 3, but he knew what the rules were. If I didn't like a noise he made (usually, "aaahhh" aimed at me as an insult, or hitting his sister...even once!). It was very difficult and I even felt guilty at first, but the rewards were amazing! He became the most polite kid you'd ever see. I even had to strip his room of everything (I mean everything0 and he could earn his things back, one at a time, if he showed good behavior. Your daughter is doing this because, somehow, she thinks it's ok. You must let her know that even ONCE is not ok. Don't forget to praise her when she does something right, and let her know what she did and how to do the right thing the next time. Be strong...you are not hurting her. She is very unhappy now...she'll only feel better later.

Hey D. - I have a 5 year old girl and I would say this is normal behavior (no worries). One of the things I find with my little girl is that if I get in the mode of not nipping it in the bud she acts the same way you described. My advice: if I ask her to quiet down in church and she persists, I ask her if she would like to settle down or if she would like to sit in the hall on my lap. And she knows from experience that if we go out in the hall she has to sit on my lap (it's not play time). The reason for this is if they think it's funner to go out in the hall and run around then there is no leverage for getting them to settle down in church. So after I give her the choice and she continues to be wild, I immediately (no more warnings) take her out in the hall. You really only need to do this once or twice and they know you mean business. This same concept rings true in many situations.

They also need a clear message that hitting is not acceptable. For this I would recommend no warning and straight into a 3-min. time out. The trick to this is being very consistent.

One thing to point out is at this age they act out in these ways because they are trying to gain a certain control over their lives. They realize that they are a separate person from you and now want to exercise that. I would highly recommend a book called Parenting with Love and Logic. It helped me to understand better the whole premise for "free agency" (which they don't necessarily say that in the book) when it comes to my daughter. They need choices and they need to understand there are always consequences for those choices (good and bad).

You just need to give them a choice of something that they would perhaps not like so much. :) I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck!

Since you know her best you will have the best chances of figuring out what motivates her. You need to have consistant conseuences and rewards set up so she knows exactly what will happen if she does or does not behave. By giving in to her tantrums and letting her have her way, you are rewarding bad behavior and teaching her that she is the boss of you. I doubt that will end well. With my son, it took us a long time to figure out what sorts of consequences he would respond to, but once we sorted that out and started following through, his behavior improved dramatically.

My dd who is now 5 acted similar to that at three. She was later diagnosed with Bipolar. You said that she is adopted - there is also a possiblity of attachment issues. I would reccomend that you find a behavioral therapist to help you out. The biggest think with my children is that "normal" disaplinary means to not affect them the same way. But even if it is the deffiant threes a behavioral therapist can help you know the best way how to handle them.

Dear D.,
I wish I had some miracle cure for this, my 8 year old started the same thing at 3. I was pregnant with my now 5 year old and she showed very similar behaviors. I wouldn't know, but I would imagine with her being adopted it would be more difficult only because of family history and things like that. Do you know the background of her biological family? Of all the things you have tried, what gave you even the littlest relief? I still go through it, not as frequent, but whatever you pick you need to stick with it. If you say that she can't have her favorite toy, then make sure that is what happens. I know that is easier to give in just to stop the tantrum, but take it from me, it only gets worse if you do. I had to learn the hard way, and I am STILL learning. If your other children are older and can help you stick to the game plan that will help. Everyone in the home needs to be on the same page. They learn quickly how to play everyone against each other. You mentioned Church...........have you spoke with your Pastor? Maybe he/she has some advice as well. I feel for you, this is literally a living nightmare. Hang in there the best you can and I will definitely say a prayer for you, I think that is how I have survived it thus far. Best of luck to you.
~ L.

There are some great books out there that could help you. I have a very spirited child as well and it can be difficult to be patient with her.

"Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is a good one, as well as

"Try and Make Me!: A Revolutionary Program for Raising Your Defiant Child - Without Losing Your Cool" by Ray Levy, Bill O'Hanlon, and Tyler Norris Goode

I've read both of these and they have great information on how to raise a child like your daughter.

Another great resource is Lova and Logic Classes. They teach tools on how to respond to your child, how to teach your child logical consequesnces for behavior and basically helping your child take responsibility for their actions.

You can go herehttp://www.loveandlogic.com/faq.html to learn more about it. There are classes routinely held in the Denver area, but they aren't listed on the site.
I can ask around and then get back to you if you like.
In the mean time- get the above books from your library and start implementing the ideas with your daughter (and your other kids- they work great on "regular" kids, as well). They worked great for us. My daughter will be 5 next month and she is doing A LOT better.

Good Luck,
M.