Disciplining 18 Month Old Twins

Don't underestimate them, they understand you just fine. Be calm and assertive when explaining your rules. Good Luck!

Kara,

I don't have twins, but have watched two mature and experienced mom friends navigate this joyful challenge successfully. I hope you have other twin mom mentors to connect with on a regular basis, books,
etc. My mother was also a twin.

1. Stay positive about both of your kids and don't let them fall into identities in your eyes of "easy" or "difficult". Twins especially can start to fall into roles, in their own eyes and in their parents'. They will be opposites in many ways and need you to treat them uniquely.

2. Eighteen months, despite some of your responses, is a little too early for what we usually call discipline. They can't even really talk yet, though they can understand a lot. When my 21 month old son hurts his eight year old sister, I say "I am sorry" both for him and so she can feel better. You will be constantly modeling behavior such sharing for your boys and making sure they each discover how to get what they want -- and protecting them from each other for a while! What toys do you need two of, which ones not ....

3. Try to get some objective advice from a trusted family member or friend on anything they observe. Does one seem to need or get more attention? Is one just more aggressive by nature?

You will have more of a challenge coming up. I hope you have help for yourself when you have your third child!

Best,

Barbara

I think your assumption of them not understanding things at this age is working against you. When my 4 year old was 8 months, she clearly demonstrated she understood me when I said no when it came to playing with our VCR. I was totally shocked! Once I caught her doing something in the kitchen, shortly after she learned how to walk, and she took off running! No one showed her how to run she did it on her own. Somehow, she knew she was caught doing something wrong. You will be amazed at what else they learn w/o being taught! :-)

If your twin is taking toys, don't let him keep the ones he's taking. The more you demonstrate and use the word share he'll start to understand. When you place him in a time out, make sure he cannot access things that'll make him happy during that one minute. And seeing that he's closer to 2 years old than 1, it may not be a bad idea to increase his time out to 2 minutes.

Good luck
M.

This is going to get even harder for you...but Congratulations!
I hope you have help. Tell everyone who watches your kids to be firm and consistent. You are doing it right---you just need to repeat what you do and say about 1,000 more times. After enough reminding, and we never can know ahead how much reminding will be enough, they get the message. Sorry if this sounds bad--I am tired from the same experience.
Amy

I'm just passing on a method that I heard someone learned in a parenting class:

Sometimes children act up for attention. They don't care that it's negative attention, they just want any kind of attention. I heard that when one child aggresses towards another, you should not focus on the aggressor (because that's the attention they are seeking). Instead, you should focus & comfort the one who got hurt. The aggressor will look at that and think "oh, he's getting the attention that I wanted".

I don't know if this works at 18 months, but keep it in mind for the future years.

I have 3 year old twin boys and I know exactly what you're going through. We did use time out with similar responses, but eventually they get it. What the previous poster said about negative attention is absolutely true - so time out needs to be time out from ALL reinforcement. (No eye contact, no talking - if the child gets out of time out then just put him back in without comment - except for the first time whenyou tell him that time out starts over when he leaves.) Remember, their receptive language far surpasses their expressive language at this age. No matter what, though, we always made the aggressive one apologize to the "victim" in the form of a hug and we taught them to say sorry. Then we'd have them repeat "no hitting" (or whatever it was that he did). Having said all that - we also do something we probably shouldn't - we give them the opportunity to apologize the first time it happens and if they do then they don't have to go to time out. If they refuse then they go to time out and when they get out - they have to apologize.

Sorry this is so long, but I guess my point is that it took a lot of patience and time on the front end, but it's working really well now. Also, as a previous poster said, we give the "victim" of the aggression extra attention. (The problem we're having now is when they are in another room and one comes to tattle on the other - however, we don't know what really happened.

I have a 19 month old son who's wonderful, but also a handful, so I can relate. First of all, don't use the crib for time out. You can't use a child's room or bed for punishment... forms the wrong associations and then the child won't want to sleep in there.
go to the book store... there are tons of great books on discipline strategies for toddlers. If time out in a chair for 1 minute doesn't work then try giving a favorite toy a time out for an hour instead. put the toy in a place where the child can see it but can't get to it and explain why you are taking it away. I've been trying this because I also feel like time out really isn't working yet... they are just too little to really understand. I think we also just need to be patient and keep up with the time outs and the reminders of proper behavior. also rewarding good behavior all the time is very very important. remember that children this age don't understand the difference between positive and negative attention. they just want attention. so if they know that they can get a big reaction every time they hit or take a toy from someone... then of course they will continue to do it.
you should also talk to your doctor and read parenting magazines often. they always have reports on the latest research and book reviews... so that you know what to read... I've gotten so much useful info from them. I read Cookie and Child and sometimes Parents mag... my favorite is Cookie...

Hi Kara,

I've heard the same thing that Charlela said. Actually, I read it in a book "Siblings Without Rivalry". Even thought your twins are still quiet young, I believe you'd find this book very insightful. It's a quick and easy read but very enlightening.

As for something you can do immediately, try what Charlela said and focus on the "victim" but also make sure you let the aggressor know what he did wrong.

Good luck. I know this age can be difficult to navigate.
-Jen