Divorce - Tyler,TX

I think I would regret leaving the father of my child because times are tough. I think at the 5-7 year mark, a lot of marriages change. Men don't generally change a whole lot over their lifetimes and I'm betting he is still pretty similar to the way he was when you married him. I'd give it time, and then more time, to try to get through this "valley". You guys have a lot going on right now. It won't be that way forever.

It's tough, and I'm sorry you have to think about this. Things to consider... people do change over time and sometimes not in the same direction... is this permanent? How much is you resentment of taking on full financial responsibility? Can you find a common ground again? What is best for the kids? Definitely some issues to work on - they seem workable.. but only if both of you want to. It sounds like you still respect him as a person and parent... can you build on that? Good luck with such a tough decision - and follow you heart.

I wonder if you could change your perspective a bit on what marriage means. Make it less about love. I know, I know..... sounds ridiculous. But think about what marriage actually is. It's building a life and family and a home. Just because you aren't in love with him anymore doesn't mean you can't still build a life with him and then grow to love him in a different (maybe better) way. Love is only one component of what makes a successful marriage. The other components can be just as important. The vow you took was until "death". not until "you just didn't feel like it anymore".

As far as growing apart - FIND something you both like to do that is new for both of you. Ask him to dedicate 3 hours a month to doing something with you. Make a list of 15 things and then ask him to make a list of 15 things and then if any of them match that's what you do once a month (gardening class, learn spanish, go swimming). THAT will give you something to talk about. In addition to talking about your kids.

Good luck.

Let me start by saying I don't believe people should stay in bad marriages. I divorced when my daughter was about 8, and it was mostly for her protection, because her dad had become extremely emotionally abusive, and was never much of a provider, anyway. She was terrified to be home alone with him, felt safer away from him, but even so, she suffered mightily over the dissolution of our family. It took a couple of years for her to feel reassured that we were better off without him. And many more years to work out the complicated feelings that a divorce, and my later remarriage, burdened her with.

And most kids hate being shuttled back and forth for visitations. Divorce can be really, really hard for kids – it's more the rule than the exception.

So you might be a better and more patient mom, but that may still not make your children's experience better overall.

Just a thought – you say he is a good man. You had strong reasons for marrying him. Those qualities, needs and dreams may still be present, just dormant and waiting for the right kind of nurturing. I strongly recommend that you explore that possibility before giving up, because divorce is hard, expensive, stressful on ourselves as well as our children. We promise "for better or worse," and lots of marriages endure years of worse before the better can emerge again.

Consider counseling for the two of you, and if he won't go, at least get it for yourself. Even if you don't end up holding the marriage together, you'll get support in making your exit as sane and peaceful as possible, and reducing your child's inevitable distress.

You have to do what is right for everyone involved, and that may be divorce. I was in your position, I had one foot out the door, and then I thought about my children. I made a commitment to them to give them the best life I could when I had them, and that included a happy family. I thought long and hard and decided to wait 6 months, and during that time do extensive marriage counseling. My husband agreed to the therapy, and it saved our marriage and our family. We both went to individual sessions to work on our own issues, and to couples sessions to work on our marriage and communication. We are happier now than we have been at any other time in our 11 years, because we can truly see through the other persons eyes in a way, and we lost the judgments we once held. You do have to do what is best for you, but the simple fact is, YES, children suffer greatly due to divorce, it colors the rest of their lives and how they relate in relationships. If you must end your marriage, than try to at least get the kids some counseling so they can learn how to deal with and mourn the loss of their family.

I think that working on a marriage is more fun and rewarding than being alone. I totally understand your frustration but there is hope. I'd work on things from your end. Try adapting, adoring and admiring your husband. Something brought you together. Try to remember those times and be cheerful and loving toward him. I did this in my marriage and now my husband and I have a wonderful, fun and loving relationship. I just went for it and started loving him like there was no tomorrow. He totally changed, we totally changed. Good luck to you! Blessings!

You have so many opinions here! I will give you a few opinions since I have been divorced twice and had children each time. I divorced the first time when my kids were 8 and 12. My kids went through really well and no matter how much I detest the father I always put the feelings and emotions of the kids first. I never used them as a weapon to hurt their father. I always went out of my way to let them be with their dad. Kids can have lasting emotional scars from divorce but most of these are given by the parents themselves. My daughter who is now 19 got all of her financial aide set up and went to college in a different state. She makes me so proud!! She has never gotten less than a 3.5 GPA. My son who is now 15 is making great strides also. He was on his way to becoming just like his father and having no respect for women. His father was a cheater and I could not raise my daughter to think that is alright to be treated like that and my son to think of women as a "plaything" for the man's use. I explained to my children when I got a divorce that I did not want to but I had to.

I divorced my second husband when my son was 4. He tells me that he misses his dad and I sympathize with him. He is also a very smart little boy and told me, "Mom, I know why you and dad separated. You were always fighting." I can remember the little guy pushing us apart and yelling, "Stop!" We are able to keep things pretty civil for my son's sake. This man also dealt with depression and anger. I was manipulated and he tried to take every bit of self-esteem out of me.

If my marriage to either man was able to be saved I would have done it. I would suggest that you both both go to counseling. If he does not want to go them go by yourself and talk to some one about things. A good counselor can give you lots of food for thought and you can do a lot of self exploration. I feel it is very important for you to make yourself strong and make the best decision that is right for you.

I am also a child of two parents that should have been divorced. My dad cheated when I was young and my mom decided to stay in the marriage and was very cold. I dealt with her insecurities my whole life. I don't know which would have hurt more a divorce situation or dealing with this situation growing up. I was a very unhappy child!!

I am just giving you some of my experience and thoughts. Remember it is extremely important to love yourself! You are the one that is going to be living with your choices. I do not regret these choices I have made. I learned a lot about myself and mankind in general. I am a Christian also, but my family has told me several times that I am going to hell. That is alright because the last time I checked they were not in charge of that decision!! I am living my life for myself and my kids benefit from this. I smile more then I ever have before because I am doing the best for my family.

Part of the marriage vows usually contain a comment about "for better or worse". Marriage is not one happy high after another. You can't really appreciate the sweetnes of honey unless you suck a lemon every now and then. Times aren't even tough yet. You were two different people when you got married. The more you work on marriage the closer you blend together.

Want to make it better? Watch, "Fireproof" with your husband. Get the companion book, "The Love Dare" and do as it suggests. Read and follow the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." (Beware, there are some that don't like the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", but they tend to come from the frigid north. Almost every woman I've spoken with either Loves or Hates the book.) Its written about 75% for women and about 25% for men, but women hate the title. I got it with a $25 gift certificate my wife gave me. I think so much of it I gave a copy to each one of my married kids. Some love it and some hate it and refused to read it beyond the first chapter or two. I got the book around my 32nd year of marriage and it helped my wife understand my perspective and me hers. We'll celebrate 37 years in less than a month.

"Love is a verb, not a noun." As you loose yourself in helping him, he will respond. School/college was very difficult for me. My wife helped me tremendously and was instrumental in my actually graduating. We both have reaped the benefits of her helping me and the sacrifices she and I both made.

You express devotion to your religion. My favorite scripture is Matthew 25:40. I also love Ephesians5:22, 25, 28, 33 and 6:8.

"Its a lot easier to keep a good man than to find one." Sounds like you agree he's a good man.

I wish you and your husband well and good luck. (BTW, my marriage was rocky around our 7th year.)

Not to state the obvious but I thought marriage was about taking the good with the bad. Why do you need to have interest in what he studies - why not have interest in whether or not he likes what he is studying? How was his day? It seems like you are kind of looking at this all one sided. He's depressed? Angry? Why? You are his partner, the one he's supposed to be able to count on when he's at his worst. You say he's a good man and father so obviously he's not beating you or the children or cheating on you. No one is perfect. Going back to school is not easy. Having you be the sole provider is probably hard on his ego and security. Why not think about this from his perspective? Wouldn't you want him to be there for you if you were going through these moments?

A friend of mine made this observation to me (he's in his 80s), he said that people seemed to have forgotten what it means to love - it's not about what you get out of love it's about what you can give. He gave a great analogy - why not reach out to someone with your hand palm open instead of down as if you are taking? Since the day he said that to me, my relationship with the BF/father of my DD/soon to be new addition has been much better. Sure we have our ups and downs, mainly due to outside forces (stress, tired, sick, pms-ing from both parties), but for the most part I wouldn't give him up for anything.

I remember the day that I was considering how I would be much better off without him, how he didn't appreciate me, how he didn't understand me, how I could do better on my own. It took that conversation with my friend to help me realize that I had become someone who felt entitled. Where did that come from? Everyone deserve to be treated well, that includes our partners in life =) None of us are perfect nor will we ever be. Good luck!

Both my parents and my husband's parents divorced after 20+ years of marriage. We are both EXTREMELY committed to staying together as a result of OUR experiences as the kids of divorced parents. Need I say more about that?

You say he's a good man. If you truly believe that, you can find a way to make it work. Marriages have ups and downs. Probably more downs than ups for many of us. Give you heart a break. Just because it isn't "in it" NOW doesn't mean it won't ever find it's way back.

Does he beat you when he's angry? Does he cheat on you? Everything I've read here doesn't sound that bad. I understand the frustration of supporting someone but at least he's trying to better himself to provide for you right? I read that you have a lot of bitterness built up inside you. Don't look for him to make you happy, no one can do that for you, you have to make it for yourself. He's a good man you say, then stick with him, for better or worse, which personally I think is the worse vows anyone can make and I made them too. If you are a woman of christian faith then put your faith in CHRIST. I'm attaching this link that gives a lot of good advice for christian marriages and not to get a divorce. http://www.heavenministries.com/
There is a lot to talk about other than his schooling. If you use to talk all the time there was many things you did talk about, find the love again. You have two little ones you need to think about too. I understand marriage gets a little stale at times, spice it back up, fall back in love with each other. I think it's worth fighting for... stop thinking about divorce, don't allow it to be an option, let the option be a better marriage...
God Bless

I was talking to a good friend last night. She had lost her husband just over a year ago after 35+ years of marriage. During the conversation, I had asked her how she had met her husband and what she thought made their relationship work. Her husband definitely was the love of her life and she does misses him deeply but what she told me made a lot of sense. What she told me is that during all of those 35+ years that they had been together, they had fallen in and out of love a number of times and if you counted up all those days, months and possibly a year or two off not being very hot for each other or even liking each other at times, it probably added up to 6 years or more. What they had done differently from other people that had fallen out of love and eventually gotten a divorce is that they hung in there and put the effort in to make their relationship work even when their heart was not entirely into it. That said . . .

You mention in your post that your husband has issues with anger and depression. You kind of glossed over it with the "he's a good man but," tone of your request but these are really big issues. It's hard to make a marriage work when you have someone dealing with those two issues and these are probably issues that he just won't be able to work out on his own. If he hasn't already, he really should go see a counselor that can help him flesh out why he is feeling and behaving the way he is and help him put better coping skills in place that he can lead a healthier life and possibly be a more attentitive husband and father to you and your daughter. If he is willing to do this for the two of you, then I would suggesting hang in there in the relationship (the two of you would probably benefit from going to couples counseling also) and supporting him through this and possibly give yourself a bit more time to re-evaluate your relationship after he (or you both) have had a chance to work on your issues.

If he is not willing to do the work necessary to address the issues that the two of you are having then, my personal opinion, you shouldn't have to stay in a loveless marriage.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish the best for you and your family.

Dear DB,
You made a covenant with this man that you married. What did you swear in your vows? Did they mean anything? You didn't say that your husband has physically abused you or committed adultery against you. You do not have grounds for divorce, based on your own declared Christian status. It would be so very wrong for you to divorce your husband. It would be a selfish act that would effect your children tremendously. Have you considered dying to self and respecting your husband in a way that is encouraging to him? Have you heard of Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs? I think you and your husband would benefit so much from the teachings that he and his wife give. They have DVDs that are easy to watch and are very powerful (google it). They also have a book if you wanted to go that route. Perhaps you can find a nouthetic counselor in your area. They offer counseling based on Biblical principles. They help you line up your thinking with scripture.
Another thing to consider is that your husband's sin against you in his depression or anger does not justify the sin your commit against him or your children. You alone are responsible for your actions/reactions. You can't really blame them on someone else.
I want to encourage you to try to connect with your husband. Don't worry so much about how he isn't meeting your needs. Concentrate on meeting his. I have learned after 21 years of marriage that the more I show my husband respect, the more he cherishes me and would do anything for me that was in his power. It really is that simple. Show your husband respect. Honor him. With actions and with words. Tell him thank you for what he does for your family. He isn't the "bad guy" in the relationship. Neither of you are. You are two people working together trying to make a family work. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and let go of the pity party. It won't get you anywhere. You'll only take it with you. And your children need a father full-time.

As the old saying goes: The grass is always greener in the other side of the fence... Of course, it doesn't mean it is better, it just seems like it would be when you're contemplating it.

I truly believe that anytime you have a child under the age of 5 years in your household, that marriage will be under more stress, more tension, more emotional distance. Children under the age of 5 are so draining. They demand so much effort and attention that parents are rendered mentally exhausted, frustrated, impatient and distracted from their relationship with each other.

I would suggest that you commit to stay together until your youngest is 5 years old before you decide to end your marriage. You should also try to rebuild your FRIENDSHIP with your husband, meaning weekly date nights, watch a movie together, read the same book at the same time (so you can discuss it)... Try and give yourself a few common experiences or interests before you throw in the towel. If you are still miserable after you have truly tried to reconnect and your youngest is 5 years old, then separate... Because *both* of you deserve to be appreciated and loved.

I am a mother and a divorced, remarried woman myself. I have recently turned my life over to the lord and the only thing that i can honeslty say here is if there isnt any unfaithfulnness going on that u suspect, I would try councelling. I think what is going on is you have way to much stress going on and not enough attention from your husband to show him and your self that you are loved by him. Once u loose that it makes u feel like you have lost the love when all in all you havent u just have to search to get that feeling again and by the grace of god you can. He has allowed u to become financially set to show u that u dont need him and that is all u can think about. Knock that devil off your shoulders and keep god in mind through all things. He will pull you through. Divorce is a very expensive, causes more fights and trouble than what its worth. Divorce causes too much stress on the children as well as both parents. Before u get a lawyer and persue the papers think "Will i go back to him in a few months" "Can I miss him" "Do i really not love him anymore or is it just a spur of the moment feeling due to the situation"... Apparently he is more concerned about you and the girls financial stability to want to go to school to better himself where u can stay at home and be the mom u wnat to and not have to worry about anything. Good luck and i pray u do what is best for you and the girls!!! GOD BLESS YOU SWEETIE!!

I inadvertently take it out on my 3 yr old.

This is what stood out to me. So you take your misery out on a toddler. Anything else I would have to say would not be productive.

I have not been divorced, but I teach high school and have friends that are from broken homes. It will absolutely affect your kids for the rest of their lives. I see the affect it has on kids academically and emotionally at the high school level even thought there parents are cordial and have been divorced along time. I really urge you for your kids sake to try to get counseling and make it work. Find a local marriage workshop or at a church. I have 2 daughters and I can't even imagine telling them there dads not going to live with us anymore. I am also a Christian and I don't believe in divorce unless their is an abusive situation.