i have a friend that is going through a divorce a very hard divorce.... she had been married for 12 years and all 12 years were abusive... some good days and some bad days. physically and mentally abusive. well now she is getting a divorce and its a battle the husband stalks her everywhere she goes. he is verbally abusive in front of there children. and he also has been physically abusive in front of the children as well. I'm just having a hard time to get her to stand up against this man, she feels that he will get tired and quite but i don't see that ever happening because he is trying to get her back. i want to take things into my own hands and talk with this man but I'm afraid that it will make things worse... i can't get her to go to police or anybody she refuses... its like he has some power over her... how can i help her
Like Leigh and Wild Woman have stated, take her to a shelter. Can I copy and paste what they have said?
Remind her she's divorcing him for a reason.
Remind her she's protecting her children and she can't do that if she's dead.
Remind her she deserves better.
Remind her her children deserve better.
T.,
Welcome to mamapedia!! How nice of you to want to help your friend! It's tough in an abusive situation as you never know if the abuser will turn on you.
Take your friend to a woman's shelter. TODAY. Do not allow her to stay in that home another night. Let her know that if she stays, she may not walk out that door ever again. Does she want to do that to her children? This "man" (using word lightly as a real man doesn't need to hit or belittle his wife to make himself a "bigger" person).
Remind her she's not doing this JUST for herself, but for her children. Her children DESERVE a life with a WHOLE mom...not a battered and abused mom...THEY deserve a life without fear.
IF you talk to this "man"? It WILL make things worse. He may believe that you are having an affair with her and that's what caused her to divorce him. She was strong enough to file divorce papers...now she needs to be strong enough to fight for her kids....
I wish her much luck. She'll need it. Let her know she's NOT alone. Let her know she's doing the right thing. Let her know that IF he puts her in the hospital with her beatings? He might take it out on the kids, if she's not there to protect them...
You can help her by NOT encouraging her to take action that she is not mentally, physically able to manage. She is unwilling to report him because she has lived in fear and passively with her abuser for the entire relationship (according to your post). She probably feels sorry for him, blames herself, and wants to avoid legal consequences that may or may not take him away from her children as their father. Sounds silly right, but it is reality. She has to get to that place of strength on her own and that comes from reflection and self esteem building.
It's very dangerous to get involved in DV incidents/issues. Keep your distance from him, but don't keep her secrets. Be honest with her if and only if/when she brings the issues to you. HOwever, don't allow her to suck you in because if she decides to take him back, she will possibly turn against you. It's just the way the DV victim's mind works.
It's about safety for her, the children and yourself as well. Use good judgement. Be an ear but not her sounding board. Know when enough is enough for you, as well.
Call the police non-emergency line and ask what an outsider could do in terms of reporting this. If he's being obvious about it, maybe there's a way to address that.
She needs a lawyer to help her stay on track.
Amen to Leigh R.'s advice!
She has had it beaten in to her. You don't understand because it hasn't happened to you. He hit her and said phrases to her and she learned them because she thought it would make it where she wouldn't get hit anymore.
She needs counseling but maybe not right now. That would set him off even more. BUT she does need someone who is compassionate and can understand what is going on in her mind. Perhaps you should help her like the others have said. BUT until she's ready she won't go there. It may take months of her hearing it from you.
I have an idea. Why don't YOU call the Domestic Violence and ask them what you can do. Please don't give her real name, this way you're not breaching her confidences and since you asking a question the ladies that work at the shelter might be able to give you more information.
I totally agree with Leigh R. . Please do/say what you have to to get her and her children out of there.
Does she have a lawyer? They will advice a protective order, have him go thru a anger management classes before seeing the kids or monitored visits. He would only want her back so he wouldn't have to pay child/spouse support. I wish her well and the children.
