Divorce - Chicago,IL

First, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this and that it is so ugly. Second, you have children that are at impressionable ages. If it's ugly, get out. If your lawyer is good, I'm sure they can work this out without having you in the middle, living in the home. He is legally obligated to support you and your children. Seek a 2nd opinion. Your Lawyer's comments make me questions his abilities.

So sorry again. I hope this helps!

How about setting up some mediation. I feel so badly for your children. Also, would either child be open to some crisis intervention/therapy? It might not be a bad idea for you to get some professional help too.

Blessings!

Hi L.,

First of all, it is my understanding that if you live in Illinois you are entitled to half of the shared marital assets, including your spouse's 401k. I am not an attorney, but I believe that is the law. I urge you to contact the Lilac Tree, which is a non-for-profit organization in Evanston that exists entirely for the purpose of informing divorcing women or those contemplating divorce. They have a seminar a couple times a year called, "Divorce University" which is a full day of information from attorneys, judges and counselors. They also offer support groups so that you can connect with others going through what you are going through. Please remember, knowledge is power, and the more you understand about the laws in your situation, the better off you will be. It seems like your attorney is not doing a very good job informing you. Here is Lilac Tree's info: ###-###-####; www.lilactree.org.

Regarding the post of "TF", you did not say whether or not you are a SAHM, but staying home to raise your children IS work. If that is where you are, then you have sacrificed a potential career to do so and you deserve to be compensated for that, at least until you are on your feet which could take some time.

Finally, although divorce is not easy for anyone involved, it can be the best thing if there is no working out your differences. Kids exposed to their parents' fighting can be more damaging than the two of you splitting up and finding your own strengths apart. You can ease this transition for them by staying connected to them and talking to them--not by bashing your ex but by checking in with how they are feeling and reassuring them that none of this is their fault. Do your best to keep your arguments away from their ears and work on this as gracefully as possible.

Best of luck to you--you are going to be ok.

This is such an impressionable age for children. Divorce really sucks... Take that from one who's parents divorced at my age of 13. It never leaves the children... They live with it the rest of their lives. The parents go on to love and live again, blah

As for your situation... You need to know the laws of your state. I'm not that fond of a husband who has provided for the family for years with a sahm splitting any pension. He has sacrificed many hours away from family in order to provide for family.

I'm all for being fair. NOT GREED In my opinion, fair is not for sahm to ruin potential ex so she does not have to work to support herself and children. It works both ways.

I suggest mediation. "Winning" should not be the goal. The goal if you truly can't live together anymore is to make sure children are cared for emotionally and financially.

ETA: I NEVER, EVER, said that a SAHM mom is not "work". I've been a SAHM for years. Of course appropriate compensation should be provided... my point is that some women (not all and not saying you) would use this opportunity to ruin someone financially. You sound like you know what you are doing, you just need some support to back you up.

I went through a divorce with my first husband so here's my 2 cents for what it's worth. First of all, we did not have children together, but I can say yes he should definitely pay child support. From what I understand, unless the mother is a complete abomination (druggie, alcoholic, major problems, etc), she will get custody if she wants it. So if you do, you should fight for that. As far as splitting pensions and 401k type stuff, I say let it go. You should certainly get half of your bank account (provided that money was not his prior to the marriage, then law says it's his), but I did not want a penny of my ex's retirement. What I wanted was my life back. The more things you fight over, the longer this process will take. So think hard about what it is you care about most and fight for those things. Let go of your sense of entitlement on the things you don't really need and the process will be much more painless. And one last note, my attorney warned me that attorneys love the back and forth. The more you argue with your spouse, the more the attorneys make. Mine was a family friend, so his advice was well heeded. The more you can concede, the more you'll save in attorneys fees in the long run.

So sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is. But life on the other side is worth it. Hang in there!

Hi L.,

I guess waiting it out depends on how long it will take to hear from the judge. I know it's hard to be patient but I think your husband is being so nasty because he knows the judge will rule fairly (and to your husband that means in your favor)...he's trying to make you throw up your hands and give up.

I have been where you are and I waited...was the best thing I ever did for my kid's financial future. I would try to fast-track that audience with the judge and avoid conflict in the meantime. If you fear he will become violent, then you may have to get out but even then I would try to have him removed so your kids aren't uprooted. Good luck : (