Do I Confront My Dad?

I have to wonder where you got money in the 7th grade to give to your father?
It seems you had to bootstrap yourself to survive with not quite enough help from your Dad.
I imagine your brother is going to have to do the same.
I don't know why your Mom shouldn't know.

You have to be kidding. 7th grade, 12 years old, you were supporting your dad? Never once you said mom dad never has money for food I don't want to go there?

I could go on an on about what is BS about this post since I am the mother of four amazing kids who happen to have a father who is bad about paying bills but the fact is this behavior predates our divorce. Since I know he has always sucked when being asked to part with his cash I always monitored all transactions. After all they are spelled out in the decree as is that the children, by law, are not to be involved in these transactions.

So if this is real, tell your mom so she can deal with this. If it is fake, we are not here to do your homework. Worse if you are a mom who lacks the equipment to protect her own children grow a pair, you picked the guy

First of all a big pat on the back for how you've handled things. Instead of whining about what happened you just plunged into working while going to school keeping your eye on the most important thing; your education. A lot of college students wouldn't have done that.

Yes you need to have a talk with your mom and brother. They need to know what's going on so that your brother can start working and banking money now to pay for his education. Your dad isn't a villian in any of this. He just seems to have money issues (could be gambling it away or spending it other ways) and your education isn't high on his list of must do things.

Welcome to mamapedia!

No. Your mom doesn't need to know. Your brother needs to know. He needs to be prepared to be able to provide his own way through college.

To be honest, I would stop giving my dad money. You have enabled him and now he's used to it. Your dad is a grown man and needs to learn how to manage money.

Why were you giving your dad money all this time anyway? Where did you get this money?? If you earned it from babysitting - that's great. And it's really great that you were seeing the need for your dad and taking care of him. However, you need to stop. You are enabling him and not teaching him anything.

Good luck!!

He's your dad. You were a child and you wanted to believe in him.

From an outside perspective, it would have been obvious years ago that there was no way your dad was ever going to give you money for college. But as a daughter, you were blind to it.

No need to confront your father. It won't change anything. Telling him to be there for your brother won't matter. You have no control over your dad. You never did.

Give your brother a realistic look at life that you didn't have. Tell him that the promises are empty and that he needs to work his butt off this summer to save up. And yes, your mom should know about everything.

Assuming this is a "real" question...you don't say anything to anyone except your brother. I would tell him that you hope your dad comes through but he needs to be prepared for the chance that he may not. Unfortunately, my kids have a dead beat dad and they know not to believe anything he says until they see it with their own eyes. He has disappointed them more times than not and they are old enough now to see that. I would stay out of it except to be there for your brother. Good luck.

No. You don't confront your dad. You have known since you were in the 7th grade your dad was bad when it came to managing money.
Do you honestly think it will change him or his ways? No. It will not. He'll have guilt for a few days, promise to do better and then back to spending like there's enough.

It's great that you knew what was going on, observant enough to see that your dad wasn't paying attention and helping him provide. That's a goodness one can't take away!! HOW GREAT that you went on to college and managed to get by without his help! Give yourself a pat on the back!! You did GREAT!!

Your brother needs to know he can't count on that money being there.

I'm sorry you have gone through all of this and very proud of your accomplishments! Like you I put myself through school (part way for me) and always worked.

There is good news and bad news.

The bad news is that the solution is not going to be how to make your dad do right and provide money for your brother. Because he won't. The solution will have to be that you tell your mom the truth, and your brother the truth, and work with what you have.

The good news is that if your brother works very hard, he can still go to college and have a good life. And even if he doesn't go to college he can build a good life with a trade etc.

My parents never promised college money or gave any. I managed to get one year of art school on full scholarship, then one more semester with loans, then the debt was building and I was too broke to continue so I quit to work full time. I had some very poor years, but that drove me to work my way up some ladders from entry level positions, and by age 26 I had moved to NYC, quit my job to start my own company, and I had my own clothing line for years before leaving work to have kids.

Whatever opportunities you have you can build on and so can your brother. Your dad should be held accountable for breaking his promises-for whatever that's worth. But don't depend on him and don't let bitterness hinder your future successes.

My dad deserted our family when I was 13 and my mom worked midnight as a nurses assistant. There was no one from either parent for college. But all five of us went to colllege. Now with online schools and community colleges there are so many options. Be a supportive big sister and help your norther to expect that dad won't be contributing towards his college. Help him find all the opt I on that exist. There are 4 year colleges that are very generous to A students who complete their first 2 years at a local community college. Online college offers great opportinites and reasonable costs. Just assume the money won't be coming form dad and work around it. My motto has always been, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Reality is usually somewhere in between.

Well I guess it should have been a huge clue that your dad would be unable to contribute to your college education since he wasn't even able to put food on the table. I feel really bad that he wasn't at least honest with you and your brother.
The sooner you tell your brother the more time he will have to plan. I also think you should tell your mom. Your dad could be sitting on assets you know nothing about that he could liquidate if need be. I wouldn't trust anything a man that takes money from his 13 yo daughter says.
Best of luck. You sound like a very responsible person.

Yes, tell your mother. You can try telling your father if you wish. You sound like a very competent young woman. You will go far.

Tell your brother, with your mom present - she deserves to know since she may end up contributing more than she planned for, in order to get your brother through. Don't ask your dad for permission to tell your brother and don't confront him. But do tell your dad that you plan to tell your brother what happened, so that he can be prepared. And don't let your dad talk you out of it (when he starts saying "but I'll have the money for him" etc etc) just say "I'm not asking your permission, I'm just giving you a heads up that I plan to tell them what happened for me." He might be angry with you, but he lost his moral high ground the moment he took money from a seventh grader.

Okay, I'll bite. How did you get money to put food on your dad's table? Did you steal it from your mom?

If you did, then she will be very unhappy about your actions. If this is a true post and you aren't making it up, then you need to grow up and stop taking care of OTHER PEOPLE'S financial problems. Stealing from Peter to give Paul will lose the love of the whole family in your case, if this is indeed what you have done. And what ELSE could a 7th grader who cannot legally work do in order to give money away?

Don't give your dad ANY more money. Don't expect him to give you anymore either. Tell your brother that he cannot believe his father's promises. Tell your brother to plan his college career without any of his dad's support. And be honest with your mother that your dad never gave you any money and won't really give your brother any. If you ACTUALLY let her think that your father was paying towards your college education, then you were a foolish child.

Stop being that and be a grown up. Grown ups don't do the kind of things you have been doing. Your father is a louse and has to learn to take care of himself now and not expect his children who aren't even out of their teens yet to support him. Stop doing it.

No, I don't think "confronting" your dad will accomplish anything.

I think encouraging him to be honest with your brother is a better way to handle it. Tell him that it is not right to allow your brother to keep assuming there is money for college for him, and that your dad needs to tell him by a certain date or you will.

Depending on your parents divorce decree, your mother may or may not need to know. However, it sounds as if there was a verbal contract between your parents and if so, I think she should be made aware.

Your father's behavior of allowing you to secretly give him money to feed you and your brother was inappropriate. It put adult responsibility (caretaking) on you as the child instead of keeping it on him. Being low on funds is one thing, but allowing and partaking in this secret with a child is inappropriate. It sounds as if he has continued this relationship with you since you still feel the need to protect him from being dishonest about his finances.

Yes, talk to your mother about your brother's situation. This will mean telling her that you have secretly given food money to your father, which means that somehow it dawned on you even as a kid that your father would not be able to give you money for college. Time to 'fess up to your mother that you have helped him along. This is probably enabling behavior on your part, but you were a kid and couldn't see that. It didn't occur to you that the $3500 wasn't sitting in the bank waiting for you when your father couldn't even buy food. You acted out of love so you could continue seeing your father on weekends and have food to eat.

You sound like an amazingly resourceful young woman if you had a job from 7th grade on that you could use to support your own father. So do help your brother at least be prepared for what's to come.

I don't know whether you sit your dad down or not. Do you think it will matter? Do you think he will start saving right now for your brother? Even if he does, will it make a difference? Your brother is a senior and will have to have his applications completed by Dec. 1 for most schools, and the financial aid applications completed as well. He, your mother and your father need to start completing the FAFSA federal student aid forms now (even though they will need 2015 tax return info which may not be available until the end of the year when both parents do their taxes). The applications can be started and saved while your brother awaits the end of the tax year. Your brother's choice of schools will depend a great deal on available money and an honest accounting of what's there and what's not. He also needs to get a job now and plan for a high paying job for the summer. He needs to be armed with the facts.

Tell your brother not to count on money from dad and what you had to do to get through school so he can be prepared to do the same.
Let your brother deal with any promises dad has made to him.

I'm blown away by the negative responses from other users. Aren't we coming here to be helpful? If you came to troll Facebook is a better medium for that.

I don't typically chime in but I could have written this. It hits so close to home. I get it. I totally get it and I get why you didn't tell your mom. If you have a good relationship with your mom I would say to tell her since your brother is still under her roof she deserves to know. And parenting a parent sucks... Just know that you don't have to do it and he isn't your responsibility. If your dad has parents who are in good health or stable and loving siblings you could always let them know what's going on as well and you can stop shouldering this responsibility alone. As far as your dad goes, spill your guts. Maybe he will listen or maybe he will just tell you what you want to hear and then go back to mismanaging his life as usual. It's not your problem.

I'd tell my mom and let her know she is going to have to fill out financial aid paperwork for her child.

You can get financial aid too if you need it. Going to school is your job. It comes first. School is your future. So if work is interfering please cut down and put your priorities right.

If your mom makes too much money for financial aid then consider work study, scholarships for your grades or sports, or loans, last resort, but find a way to get money for school.

I agree comforting your dad is useless he's a child. Tell you brother in front of your mom so she knows the situation