Do Think I'm in the Wrong?

A husband should not have to be told to come home. A boy has to be told to come home. You have every right to be mad.

Well if my husband was doing shots I certainly wouldn't want him driving! Take some time to cool off and THEN talk about it, calmly.

If my husband were drinking at his friends house I would want him to stay there as opposed to driving drunk.

Did you tell him to get out or something during the fight?

I don't know about anyone else, but in our home--we don't need to be told to "come home " even if we've argued.

It just all sounds pretty childish.
I don't have the time or energy for that kind of drama!

as a married person you should always come home unless both have agreed to it

He could have just drove home drunk?

I see this much differently. He's a grown man, he shouldn't have to 'ask' permission to stay out at night. However, he should have let you know what his plans were. That to me is just courtesy.

He's also right, if you had an issue with him not coming home when he said he might not, you should have spoken up and let him know that you would prefer if he did.

That doesn't mean I think you're over reacting. It sounds like you guys need better communication.

Considering the small bit of information you give here I can only assume you apologized because you had a wrath of god irrational fight? So he went six hours upset about what ever happened and then you text him saying sorry?

So unless you would considered it reasonable for him to drive home drunk just to placate you at that point because you finally said you were sorry, no, you have no right to be hurt.

Had you not picked the fight you apologized for he would have probably been home by ten and sober.

I think you should BOTH find better ways to solve problems than having irrational fights, going to casinos, doing shots and staying out mad all night.

However, I'm 41.... so I'm in a whole different place in my life and I want no part of any of that drama. That was stuff I had outgrown by the time I was 23.

You can't have started a fight about something "stupid" and then ask if you are overreacting to being hurt that he acted immaturely. It's a moot point. You're both wrong.

you work on growing up and getting your sh*t together so that you aren't fighting over stupid stuff. Let your husband worry about himself for now. Once you have your stuff together... THEN you can worry about whether or not you should be mad when he stays out all night drinking shots after going to the casino.

I don't think you were wrong. If he had been drinking and didn't want to drive then he should have given you the option to come pick him up (wake the kids up and take them), call a friend or a cab. You aren't in High School. Overnights are over.

Lots of replies that he did the right thing to stay rather than drive home drunk but... was he SO passed-out drunk that he could not have called a cab and left his car at his buddy's house?

I would be frantic if my husband didn't come home. Your husband seems to think that he TOLD you he was staying over while you say he only "implied" that he was going to sleep over at his friend's house. Neither of you was right, were you?

The real issue here is not just last night or your reaction (overreaction or not) or his staying there. The real issue is a husband and wife whose communication is so very poor, on both sides, that (1) something "stupid" turns into a blowup that drives one person out of the house frustrated and mad; (2) one person sleeps away from home (shots or no shots, it should have been crystal clear whether he was coming home or not, and not just "implied"); (3) that same person (yes, him) pulls the passive-aggressive stunt of saying "if you wanted me to come home you should have told me so!" which is an immature way of putting any blame onto you entirely and saying you should be able to read his mind, and (4) the other person (yes, you) apologizes by text, and does not follow up, and doesn't tell her husband to come home and talk about this, now.

Both you and he really, really need to develop some more mature communication skills that are clear and precise and do not involve arguments that blow out of proportion; texting at any point; or leaving the house when things are unresolved. If this is a pattern, consider couples counseling ASAP. If this is the first time this has happened -- I'd still consider counseling so you can focus hard on communication skills. Neither of you is modeling good communication skills for your kids and you're going to damage your marriage if an initially stupid argument ends up like this.

So he didn't want to drive drunk? I'd applaud that except he should have let you know before he decided to do that.

He left to blow off steam, & after his time @ the casino, got together with a friend. No problem, normal male response.

He & friend had some drinks, & by the time you texted him, he wasn't in shape to drive, & stayed over. Again, not much of a problem.

It sounds like both of you were being obstinate about apologizing, & although you did first, by the time it was done, he wasn't in a good place to come home.

However. His friend's GF was there drinking with them. Here is where I would talk to my husband (later, calmly) & let him know that I wasn't comfortable with the fact that he was drinking with another woman.

Too often, strife in a marriage can lead to a chasm, because when we are angry at our spouse, we find solace in the company of other people. & when those other people are of the opposite sex, & offer positive feedback to us ("ugh, sounds like your husband was a total jerk!" "boy, your wife really flew off the handle over nothing, I wouldn't put up with that") it can make us start to seek that out the next time.

This does not mean that your marriage is rocky, or that anything happened. But my husband & I have talked about this very issue & have decided not to let those opportunities even come up any longer, because it did start to have an effect on our relationship

As for him coming home or not, & it being based on your say-so, I do know men tend to think very differently than women. If we don't come out & let them know we want something/have an issue with something, it usually isn't something that would occur to our husbands to be concerned about. Chances are, that's what happened in this instance. Forgive, & move on. T.

Absolutely not! You shouldn't have to tell or ask him to come home. He should come home! If he is still upset...sleep on the couch, but you always come home.

I don't think grown people have "sleepovers", esp once you are married. I would be concerned too.

Sorry this happened to you and good luck.

It's not worth staying mad about it. I can see why you were mad in the moment, but what's done is done and he didn't do anything that was really bad, so just let it go. Tell him it hurt you and you hope he won't do it again.

If he really was doing shots though, isn't it better that he stayed over rather than getting behind the wheel drunk?

He went to the casino after a fight and then went to his friends house....ok. He text you that he MAY come home later...what? Is it normal to sleep away from home without definate plans? I would be quite upset (as would he if you had done that).

Now, he was taking shots (meaning doing shots...alcoholic shots) so it makes perfect sense to stay where he was unless someone sober could take him home. I am a little uneasy with the "taking shots with his friends girlfriend" because that leaves a little to interpretation. Was his friend not there and it was just the girlfriend and your hubby? I would not be pleased!

You should have driven over there and picked him up. Mymission is right on target in what she said.

You argued, arguments often lead to regretful words exchanged. You apologized, good for you! He accepted, so far so good! The problem comes from him when he started doing shots. He had the foresight to know he wouldn't be able to drive so he should have made arrangements for a ride home either with you, a cab etc. I am with the other girls, sleepovers are for the kids. He says you should have told him you want him to come home? Hmmmm, is it standard that every time one of you is out the other says, come home tonight? You are his wife, not his mommy. Seems a bit silly of him to put that on you. He made a boyish decision and instead of owning up to it he passed the blame to you.

i would not like this one bit.
i don't know whose 'fault' the fight was, and if it was ugly enough, maybe he did feel justified in staying away for the night. but i know we NEVER 'just decide to sleep over'.
of course he shouldn't have driven drunk. it's not like that was the only choice. he could have taken a cab, or told you straight up 'i'm still pissy about our fight, and would like to stay here and have some fun and drink too much. i can stay here, take a cab, or if you're up to it, you can come get me in an hour or two. whaddya think?'
but you didn't behave well either.
i think you should both use this as a learning tool to communicate better, and fight more effectively.
khairete
S.

Do I think you are overeacting about being hurt?

NOOOOOO

WHAT THE HECK he is being a jerk. Although, if he avoided an eight thousand dollar DUI, then okay, smart decision. On the other hand you might consider taking a night out yourself.

I get guys night out but what I don't understand is why his friend's GF was hanging out too. At that point he should have asked if you wanted to join them. Do you have kids? If you do, then I think he should have spent the night in his own bed. Obviously you wouldn't want him to drink and drive but if he is a responsible family man he should not have drunk so much that he couldn't drive.

What a cop out!
Instead of dealing with the issue(s), he's off making you worry by staying out all night.
Oh and now you're not suppose to be mad because somehow his actions were all your fault?
It's a pure load of manure.
If I were you, I'd not be in a hurry to take him back.
If he wants to be with you, you should not be having to beg him to stay.
If he wants to leave, he can take his behind out the door and not come back.
Don't put up with the passive aggressive nonsense.

don't use up your time with worry about this. let it be over for the new day everything comes out in the wash!!

Grown men do not have sleep overs so that would make me mad. You could have picked him up if he was drinking.

You should not have to tell him to come home...that should be a given. Shots with his friend's girlfriend? Seriously????

Sounds like your hubby used the fight as an excuse to go out and party. I don't know how happy I would be about all that.

I had an (ex) husband who did the same thing and you can see he is an ex. I tried to work through it, but sometimes you just can't coz I had two small kids to think about at the time.

Hopefully you can work it out coz marriage is worth it, but if it continues to be a pattern you may be heading for trouble so keep your eyes open.

I would NOT be okay if my husband slept over at a friend's house ever. Sorry, but sleepovers stop when you're married. I would not trust his behavior or the fact that he thinks you should have to mother him. He's grown, yes...but that was a childish move.

We'd be in counseling for something like that - because the issues are much larger than just this one thing, I guarantee it.

R.:

I'm sorry about this situation. I don't know how I would react if my husband stormed out after an argument and stayed at a friends house. He's an adult, you are his wife not his mother. You shouldn't have to tell him to come home.

If he was drinking - I would be thankful that he didn't drink and drive. But I would be mad that he felt like he had to leave in the first place. I'm okay with taking a walk around the block to clear your head - but NOT cool with the not coming home.

You need to find a marriage counselor or therapist that will work with both of you and teach you two how to communicate like adults and work through your problems instead of walking away from them.

Does your husband want to fix the marriage? Does he see that the marriage is in trouble? That would help to know.

If he doesn't want to fix it or doesn't believe there is a problem - then that would bother me and I would let me feelings be heard. And if he doesn't want it fixed. Fine. This is not good enough for me. You think your life will be better off without me and the kids? Okay! Buh-bye!!

I think that sometimes spending a night apart to cool down after a fight is a good thing. If he had come home drunk, or you had had to go pick him up after a fight, you would have just gotten angry all over again.