Do You Also Struggle with This?

I could've written those words. I SO relate. Send me a private message and hopefully we can chat more.

Our middle years are the crunch years.
We have kids we need to raise and often parents that are becoming infirm and dependent, and jobs/careers that want our attention and we shoulder most of the house work too.
When you've got it coming at you from all sides, who wouldn't be a bit less joyful than usual?

Sometimes you NEED to put everything/everyone who wants a piece of you on hold while you recharge your batteries.
Whether that means therapy, or a retreat weekend, or a spa day, or go do your thing at the gym or in a yoga class, or read a book, or take a nap, or see a movie, etc - that's up to you - but you need to make time for yourself.
If you don't, you run a greater chance that you'll collapse and THEN who will take care of all the things you do?
The side benefit of taking a day/weekend for yourself by yourself is - people suddenly realize all you do for them and sometimes they are more grateful when you're back doing it again.
They CAN live without you for a short time!
It's good for everyone every which way around if you make/take some time for yourself.
Now go do it!

What I do is stop and look at the "Busy-ness" of life and see what I really need to hold on to, and what I'm just doing out of habit.

The older we get, the more experience we have, and the more hurdles we encounter. With all the wisdom comes the awareness of past history, past hurts, and sometimes negative things we do.

But I do suggest you make the time for therapy. You know that airline safety talk? "Put the oxygen mask on yourself before attending to the needs of your child." So many of us deny ourselves private time, quiet time, restorative activities, counseling, and more, because we are attending to the expressed needs of our spouses, partners and kids. We need to express our own needs, demand the time needed to address them, and be nicer to ourselves. If you can't make an evening appointment and insist that your husband be the parent at home while you are out, then take the time now to find a therapist and make an appointment for September. Meantime, journal some of these thoughts and memories and irritations and observations you are having - that will be very useful for sharing with a counselor.

Research shows that there is a happiness dip in middle age, generally in about the mid-forties (for me it was in my early 50's). But the good news is that the happiness bell curve goes up again in your 50's and 60's. I have read a few articles affirming this research. Here is one I read most recently:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-r...

Without trying to sound cliche' but rather speaking from a place of being able to relate.. Part of what you feel or why it's all magnified could be a result of hormones. In your mid 40s could be your are going through perimenopause. That said.. I am now 51 but when I turned 42 is when I first began to feel the change.... I started to feel more anxious, claustrophobic (something I never used to feel) irritable, depressed, foggy minded, just not myself.. It took me learning to track monthly cycles, reading up about hormones and only then could I begin to truly begin to understand why I was feeling as I did... One thing is for sure, when you have that first initial drop in estrogen, BAM.. it can hit you like a ton of bricks.. I later learned that Estrogen controls cortisol (the stress hormone) and as Estrogen falls, cortisol can run wild in the body. well this coupled with any outside stress and it can make you feel TERRIBLE.. in my case, I felt jittery... and that claustrophobic I was having, I now believe was my body's response to the anxiety I was feeling.. especially right before the onset of my period and then during (this is when Estrogen is at its lowest, and too when serotonin can be low as well.. hence, I felt the blues. Additionally, I had body aches like no other time in my life, my joints hurts, I was overly tired (even on the rare occasions when I got a lot of rest) then my lower back started to hurt and I had sciatica.. turns out, I had fibroids pressing on the nerve. (which makes me wonder if you have them too) you might want to get it checked out.. you can have fibroids and never know you have them until pain arises..
also.. this might sound crazy.. BUT if your estrogen has fallen, this could mean at times you are progesterone dominant (esp if you are still ovulating) the effects of this are numerous.. one... progesterone helps to relax the bowels.. crazy as it sounds :) but because of this and if you aren't getting enough fiber, you aren't going enough so to speak and this can add pressure on your lower back. additionally, progesterone is also more alkaline (as oppose to estrogen) and therefore, things like sugar have an easier time thriving in that environment. which could build an overabundance of yeast, which is many cases (including mine) could mean candida overgrowth.. which can also lead to things like fatigue, sinus issues, achy joints, etc..
I mention all this because again, it wasn't until I began to read up on women's health that I began to find relief.. traditional western doctors tend to want to medicate rather than educate... As a suggestion, I would begin to track your monthly cycles and symptoms.. once I did this, I began to see a pattern of my moods, aches and pains and all the highs and lows.. what this did was arm me with the knowledge that ok, I am feeling particularly crappy (or good) at this moment because this is the stage my body is in.. OR why all of a sudden am I experiencing what feels like a migrain (esp right before my period) which I now learned are my hormones dropping, esp the progesterone, it's not uncommon to get a headache) because of this.. .whereby, I used to think.. OMG... brain tumor :) anyway.. point is.. some, not all, but some of this, you can make better.. but it will first take understanding your body.. since tracking my cycles, I now can better help myself feel better.. example. I know that as I approach my period, I need to drink even more water so as to avoid a yeast infection.. I know that about 4 days before my period, nightsweats will begin. I also know that as the estrogen falls, my legs get jittery and I can't sleep too well, whereby I used to think I had restless leg syndrome. turns out , i don't .. just a drop in hormones.. again, I had to learn this for myself..
as for the emotional stuff.. definitely having someone to talk to on the outside can help.. in my case, I attend a 12 step... but do what works for you.. it's just that as I got older, I too was thinking in depth about my childhood and feeling resentful and the only thing that has helped me feel better and become more grateful ........... was alanon.. that alone have given me hope and promise..
you can get through this... it takes time... but begin today..
A book that helped was by Dr Elizabeth Vliet... it's about female hormones and the body... it's called, of all things, Screaming to be Heard.... it's based on the premise that western medicines doesn't listen to women

anyway, good luck I wish you all the best

Well, I find that helping others always gives me a rush of gratitude and reality.

Wow, I have had some similar interesting revelations in my life lately.
2-3 years ago.....I would have never thought these things. I have always
been a positive person.
I've done a lot of thinking about this & have watched my friends (same age &
some 2-3 years older) & have come to the realization......it's life. The
hardships that come our way. The changes (body, health, mental etc).
Death of a grandparent or parent. Job changes. Moves. Kids aging etc.

10 years ago....we had more time, more patience, less body changes (like
perimenipause for women as an example) etc.

So be sure to give yourself a break, roll with changes (meaning when I have
night sweats or am hot during the day...I adjust my lifestyle), I treat myself
to more things because I know that I'm aging and you never know what
life has around the corner, I really do take time to "stop & smell the roses" or
enjoy the sunset, I take long walks not just because it's some low-key, low
impact exercise but because it gets me outside to actually enjoy nature but
it's better than just sitting on my duff (I can do that when I'm gone from this
planet), I try to engage more with people (I don't mean meeting friends for
drinks but saying hello to someone who smiles at me while shopping or
trying to be helpful if I see an elder lady in need at the store).

I do things that make me happy.

I try to get in daily exercise (even if it's only a walk) & eat better.

I know it's so hard to move because of your husband's job, but try to look at it
this way. If your husband is the primary provider, it would be nice if he
enjoyed going to his job every day. I try to make my husband's life a little bit
easier since he works & I stay home for the moment (iron his shirts, make
sure his work clothes are ready to go, pack him a nice lunch, make him
breakfast when he's home to eat it).

While I try to be a supportive mate, I do things to make myself happy. I meet
with friends occasionally, go for early morning walks, take my youngest to
fun places during the summer.

When the kids are back in school, I will be able to go to the gym, grocery
shop alone, meet a friend for coffee, do all the housework/laundry in an
hour or two.

How to remember how to be grateful for what I do have in my life? I turn on
the news every morning and am reminded when I see tragedy that has
fallen into other people's lives. Then I think to myself "wow, I really am lucky.").

I try to go to the doctor for all my routine care so I can take care of things as they pop up. Do you see a doctor for your chronic back issues/pain? Can they manage the pain? Is there anything else that can be done.

I think it's normal to struggle with life's issues as we age. More happens as we get older. More trying/sad times enter into our lives. But it's what we do with those times that make the difference. Do we take time out for ourselves? To grieve? To feel better? Do we reach out the others? Do we see our friends and family? Do we seek counseling when necessary? Take care of your physical and mental health. Start there. It's the core to our lives.
The cornerstone.

Hang in there. Slow down. Choose to do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your kids. Remind yourself to be happy.

You have some nice answers, so I won't say much.

Fake it till you make it. Just make yourself give thanks every day for every thing.

Give to others as much as you can. Find a place with others that you enjoy, maybe a church, maybe a volunteer group or a club.

Think of the universe as a vital life source and that it works for you not against you.

Warm Regards

I do think therapy helps if you are up for it. Journaling will be helpful, too. Even if it is just 'train of thought' stuff... it gives space for stuff to be revealed. I did a lot of journaling and that really helped me to notice my intentions, my observations of things (you can read back and sometimes find patterns), my more latent feelings about things. Writing gives us space to process, go on a tangent, uncover things we have, for perhaps good reasons, chosen to overlook in the past.

Being the product of narcissistic parents is difficult. I know this personally. I also know that having a reasonable, reliable person to talk to is very helpful. What some of us grew up with is simply not normal and having someone to just be an ally and then help us put those things into a helpful perspective is valuable. So, try not to put this off. Even if it means just journaling for now...:)

Just me but I think when we are younger we see everything from the lens of our family out. So if our family is happy, we are happy. As you get older you start to see how so many external forces have always been in play and it is something you have to overcome.

I suppose I am lucky because this part of my life would have hit or did hit right after my divorce and really I was too busying getting my internal family stable to even notice external forced and when it was done I was, shrug.

Now in my life I am quite happy. I know that I am dealing with, will deal with, everything that I have the power to change and I just accept there are external forces that I am just going to have to deal with as they come.

Don't know if that makes sense but look at it as there is this mountain next to your home and a giant boulder on it. You know it will fall at some point but you don't know when. You know you can't move it from where it is and you can't control when it will fall. You can either look at that boulder every morning and stress and struggle with when it will fall, how it will effect you, what will happen when it does or you can live life knowing it will happen when it happens and be happy that it hasn't happened yet and may not even fall in your lifetime.

I guess it is all that serenity prayer, knowing what you can control and accepting what you cannot.

I remind myself that 2 moms w cancer died in my community this year and it helps me be grateful.

well, that's a big question!
the short answer is yes. while i know more about the benefits of an attitude of gratitude and positive thinking, life throws some curveballs that make it hard to apply sometimes. and getting older naturally means that you're running into more and more Big Issues, like health and death and financial crises and working through childhood issues you thought were long put to rest.
and yet when i laugh at myself for some of the more ridiculous mental gymnastics, put down the devices and go outside and feel the sun on my skin or wander under the stars or swim in the blue moonlight, i get it back. and the serenity and balance that ALSO come with increasing age are really great bennies.
everyone's got something that re-centers them. make it your goal this summer to find yours, and go there more often.
therapy is never a bad idea either.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

I actually find lasting happiness easier to maintain as I get older, because I've learned that my happiness doesn't depensd on other people.

Everyone has FML days. It happens to the best of us. Recognize it for what it is and then let it go.

OH....It's the "kids been out of school for about 2 months blues." It will go away in about 4 weeks. :)

Until then, in the morning list off 5 things you're grateful for, and before you go to bed, think of 5 things you were grateful for that took place that day. Attitude of Gratitude. Keep noticing and acknowledging your wins throughout the day and everything does get better. Acknowledge your crappy days as just....crappy days. We all have them, but don't dwell too much on them as they always pass. Oh.....don't clean when you are not feeling grateful....it just adds fuel that you don't need.

Believe tomorrow will be better.

S.

If you want to get yourself back to better then counseling is the way to go. If you fell off a boat you would want a life preserver. You have fallen off your former self so reach out to a counselor who could be your life preserver.

Your current condition has less to do with aging and more to do with how you are seeing the past and how you are currently dealing with the present. When people and in constant and consistent pain it can color everything you do and see. Again counseling is the way to discover light in darkness.

What I have learned is I get to choose how I'm going to respond to the events in and around my life. I actively choose to look on the happier side of things and I've had some of the most life altering things happen to me in the last few years.