Do You Get Envious? How Do You Get over It?

It's normal, really. I just give myself time to work it through and that's that. I do remind myself of how much I enjoy what I do have and how grateful I am to have it and that does help.

Sure...I think it's normal to want what we can't have sometimes. I have been talking about wanting a different house for a few months now. Then my husband came close to losing his job and I fell in love with our home all over again. Thank God he still has a job and we don't have to move.

But yes, I think it's normal to want those things - just don't let it consume so much of your time :).

K.,
It's good that you recognize this because simply being aware of it will help you respond better when something like this happens. It would be a shame to act less than happy for someone when something good happens to them, ya know? What I do when I get jealous is I try to think of what it REALLY would be like to be in their situation. I love looking at houses, too, and there are some very fancy and beautiful ones nearby with fabulous amenities. So sometimes I get jealous and wish I had one of those houses. Well, I have actually looked online at them and started to realize the downsides: The heating and ac bill, the need to fill ALL that space with furniture (do I need that much space?), The need to keep so much square footage clean (would I need a housekeeper just to keep on top of it?) It would never feel good to have that big and fancy of a house and not be able to maintain it. Then I realize how much I actually really like my house and what a good deal we got for it. I start counting my blessings and realizing what I have that is awesome.
Just a few years ago, the home I am in was my dream home. Isn't it such a slippery slope, how you can get "what you want" and then instead of feeling happy and grateful, you start looking for the next better thing? And where does it end?
Those are the things I think of when I get hit with the jealousy bug. :)

Life is full of "what if" moments.
What if I had married Jack instead of Jim? Whay if I had bought that house instead of this one? What if I had bought the station wagon instead of the SUV? What if I had had Cheerios instead of eggs for breakfast?
They're fleeting thoughts - acknowledge their existence and then let them go.

Sure, totally normal. I've been envious of people taking fabulous vacations lately. They live in our neighborhood, have kids like us and somehow they can afford to go to Europe for two weeks? Between home repairs, summer childcare fees, college and retirement savings, we just can't swing a nice vacation like that for two of us, let alone the whole family.

Here's the thing. A lot of people have more because they're in debt having more. And not everything is that much greater. Larger house = larger mortgage, insurance and property tax costs. You don't know that those fancy homes don't have expensive problems to fix, either.

Just do your best to be thankful for all you do have. I really try to think about how lucky we are everyone in our family is healthy right now, knock on wood.

YES I DO! It's normal. You have the right attitude. Tell yourself it's nonsense and thank your lucky stars for everything you do have. Try and move on as fast as you can so you don't get stuck in anything.

Just remember that there will always be someone richer (or poorer!), funnier (or clueless!), prettier (or uglier!), better dressed (or dressed in rags!), thinner (or fatter!), curvier (or thinner!) than you.
Your on the right track because you've identified this VERY negative emotion.

Practice gratitude and cultivate it in your kid(s)!

And give, give, give to others. Of yourself, your time, your help, your kindness, your resources. Even if you're envious of them. Actually, especially if you are! :)

Yes, I do. We have a decent home, but it's very modest compared to the homes that most of my husband's work colleagues have. We call it my "house envy." It passes fairly quickly and I appreciate what I have. However, my brother and SIL are house hunting and will probably buy a big, beautiful house. They are much more organized and better decorators than I am so I will be following these responses for pointers! Glad I'm not the only one. (-:

sure! i LOVE my home, but i wish shop every time i go anywhere. and wish i made as much money as one brother, or was as effortlessly slender as my bestie, or as good with horses as my old friend liz, or as energetic and motivated as......pretty much everybody else<G>.
it's natural. and you're aware of what you're doing, so you're not a mean-spirited whiner.
quit beating yourself up. if your best friend, or child, came to you with this issue, would you beat them up? no, you'd be supportive, and positive, and help them with perspective.
i do not agree that it's helpful or healthy to just run the fortunate folks in your scenarios down (they all have terrible debt, or that house isn't worth the mortgage etc). i don't think we really feel better only by denigrating others. and certainly not by denigrating ourselves. be gentle and supportive of yourself, and definitely try variations of writing therapy. you'll be amazed at how enlightening it can be!
khairete
S.

I have a few friends that have bought large, brand new homes in new developments. When I go to their homes I do feel jealous of the amount of space they have and the newness. Then I think about the debt, the fact that their kids have to take a bus to school (because there are no schools in the new developments), the lack of nice mature trees in the neighbourhood and in some cases the lack of sidewalks. Then I appreciate my smaller, older home in an established neighbourhood.

Diane B has a really great point about what the jealousy can really be about. Instead of beating yourself up for having the thoughts you are having, pay really close attention to what the thoughts are really saying. Pour it all out on paper. Be gentle and kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. You are a human being. You will never be perfect and only have perfect thoughts.

Question your thoughts. Not necessarily the ones about wanting a nice home, but the thoughts that you are petty, shallow, or selfish. The thoughts that desiring and admiring something beautiful means that you are not grateful or appreciative. The thought that you are a jerk because you don't have zero complaints. Why do you beat yourself up? As Diane implied, is it because you have deeper thoughts of unworthiness or inadequacy that are really running under all of these other thoughts? Question those thoughts too.

Allow for your humanness. Allow the desires to just run through. Notice them, but don't attach to them. Each time you think "that is a bad thought and I shouldn't have that thought" you attach to that thought and then it starts a whole cycle of self-defeating thoughts. Just notice instead and let it go by like a car on the street passing your house. Then you can focus on what you have and pick one thing you can really enjoy in that moment to shift you back into that feeling of appreciation you want to experience.

Yep, green eyed monster gets all of us sometimes.

Remember, you probably live like the top 5 percent of the people in the world. You want to appreciate your life? Check out some charities.
Find a way to volunteer. Find a church with a heart for people.

It has always blessed my life to know, really know, people who are richer and people who are poorer, than me.

I do feel envious occasionally, and sometimes with that, angry and/or resentful of that person.

The thing that has helped me the most is to step back and accept those feelings. Instead of blaming or judging myself (How could I be so angry at that person for X, when it's a good thing for her/them? - that is judging).... I focus on accepting that that is how I feel, and how I feel is okay. I am not acting on - I'm not treating the person any different than normal. It also really helps to have a person I can speak these things to who will not judge me (I'm lucky enough that my DH is that person).

We tell kids all the time that being angry is okay and to have feelings is okay. No feelings are "wrong", it's just what you do with them that can be good or bad. (I.e., being angry is not a bad thing, but hitting someone because you're angry is a bad choice). So, I focused on applying that to myself.

I also have been trying to focus on my blessings and literally count, or list them. It makes me realize that I do in fact have a lot to be thankful for. So when I'm focusing on the negative (oh bother, my in-laws are coming for a surprise visit tonight and our house is a disaster!), I try to turn it around (I am lucky to have in-laws who are kind, decent people who love us. And it's a chance to straighten up the house some, instead of procrastinating on that, and I'll feel better when the house is straighten up more).

Another thing that helps is realizing that just because outwardly this person seems to have it all doesn't mean that they aren't carrying some heavy burdens or that they necessarily are happier than you. They have their own problems, and their lives might appear prettier on the outside but they are not necessarily any happier than you.

Don't beat yourself up for having your feelings. They are just as valid.

I'm glad you've gotten good responses so far. I haven't read them so my apologies if this has already been said... why not keep a gratitude journal, that you can refer to whenever you're feeling this way?

In hindsight you can say all the good things you have going for you, but in the moment, wouldn't it be nice to have a handy little book to bring all that into focus?

Start writing down one thing a day that makes you happy, or that you feel grateful for until you've got a little notebook full of happy things. Just seeing a full book on your nightstand can give your heart a little swell.

And once you've got a clear understanding of all the things you're happy with in your life; if there's something truly nagging you that you'd like to change, find a way to do it.

One thing you mentioned is that you had to buy your house quickly, implying that you "settled" for something "less" than you wanted. Maybe you have some lingering regrets that you haven't really let go, which is why your envy is focused on when people move/get a new house.