Don't Agree with Grandma

M., i understand where you are coming from. I see that you have worked so hard to keep your baby on track, but eventually, she'll be exposed to other things. There will be other kids drinking juice and watching television, and she will want to join them. Just be happy that you did the best for her for 2 years. We all wish we could keep our kids small and full of love, but fortunatly and unfortunatly (they grow up. They meet other kids and they move on. Have you ever thought that your mom doesn't have the energy to play horsey or time to sit and play dolls. T V may be the next best thing. There are some very educational shows and cartoons on t v. Dont worry so much. Be thankful that you have someone to take care of her while your away. I'm sure that after 4 adult children, she's very relaxed now. It will be o.k, Your daughter will remember you.I think thats what you are most afraid of, (her forgetting you), dont worry. You can never replace a mommma. Now keep your head held high, dont worry so much and be careful out there.

She raised 4 kids, so she knows what she is doing. You would not have left her with your mom if you didn't trust her. Sure, she's not you, but no one is. Be thankful that she is safe and happy and healthy. You can't really be picky right now... she's in good hands and that's all that counts.

I know its tough over in Iraq -- my brother is there now, TQ. And the last thing you need to worry about is what is going on at home, out of your control. Just let go and Let God. Two year olds change their tempermaent, tastes in food, attitudes, everything, so quickly. Its like one day, they are big kids and babies again the next. Your daughter will be fine, and its really not worth getting so upset over. And even if she is distant when you get back, two days later it'll be just like you never left!

My son was two when we evacuated during Katrina to my parents' house.We started bad habbits that I thought would NEVER break. TV, junk food (popsicles), sleep habits, basic grandparent spoiling...And it was a HUGE pain for about a month after we moved back to New Orleans. But now its like we never skipped a beat. What did come out of it is the HUGE bond that my son now has with his grandparents. Your daughter will have it, too.

And one more thing -- we forget how much energy it takes to keep up with a toddler. Our parents aren't as young we like to remember. So cut your mom a little slack if she lets the tv babysit. There are worse things...

Merry Christmas, and PLEASE come back safe!!!
God bless,
L.

M.,
Thank you for everything you do for me and my children. Because of you, our lives are better.

My husband left for Iraq when our daughter was 10 months old. She was completely Daddy's girl before he left. I had some trouble with her being fussy and new not so pleasent behavior while he was gone, but after he came home she went back to her old self. It took her a day or two to completely adjust to him being back, remember she was very young, but after the brief adjustment they are thick as thieves again and she is all about Daddy.

Keep the faith. We have faith in you. God Bless You and your Family.

First of all, Happy Holidays,

I know you are going thru so much being away from your child, and honestly you have done everything you can do to change the situation. Right now, although your Mom is doing damage, you need to stay focused so you can come home to your precious daughter, most of the stuff you can fix when you get home. Im just sorry you have to go thru this. My husband did two tours in Iraq and he is Lt. Col in the USMC/R.
What I would like to do is to become a pen pal to you, on your remainding days, even if its thru email. And you would have someone to vent, together, Im sure we can think of a good damage control plan. The only thing I could suggest is to tell your Mom, these are things that you would like done, although you know she knows how to raise kids, that it would put your mind at ease while your in a combat zone, threating her at this time, would more than likely back fire on you, because you want to keep the contact open.

Semper Fi,
D.
____@____.com

M.,

May I first echo what others have said - thank you for your sacrifices so that our families may be safe. I know you will be blessed for your service.

I had the exact same situation when I left my kids with my inlaws - non stop TV, junk food, tantrums, the works. Grandparents are different from parents. They make good buddies and friends, but they already had to be the guide / disciplinarian as parents and most just want to spoil now.

The happy news is that the behavior is reversable. It will probably take a few weeks or even a month to retrain your daughter because of the length of time your parents have her. But it will happen if you are consistent. If your parents talk to your daughter about you frequently and show her pictures, she won't forget you. I am amazed at how my little ones remember people, places and events for nearly a year just by keeping the memory alive. When you see her again, you may not get the dream response from her, but you have lots of time to get the relationship back to where it was when you left.

I also noticed that the more kids I had and the more often my husband's parents visited, the more my children understood that rules were different with grandparents and gave me less trouble when they left. My inlaws also clued in that some of their behavior was causing my children to behave badly and when the cuteness wore off, they started to change a bit.

So we have found a good comprimise. They get juice every morning they have grandparents around (wouldn't happen otherwise) but my inlaws no longer give them all the treats they want until they vomit and have diarrea. So everyone's happy.

Best wishes,
S.

As much as I hate to type this, I must call to your attention that your mom is in a very difficult situation.
It is extremely difficult for a child to adapt to such a drastic change in lifestyle. Your daughter has gone from having mommy all the time to not having mommy around at all. Imagine being your mother and having to deal with the back lash of that. The easiest method of coping is pacification. So your mom gives in to her demands because your daughter is essentially dealing with a traumatic experience.
In the long term, yes it may be difficult to get her back into her normal regimen, but honestly she could probably use a slight break. It is one thing to be healthy and health conscious, but you are depriving your daughter of some of life's good things. Besides, if you do not introduce them to her at home and explain to her that these foods should be eaten in moderation, she will do exactly what she's doing now.... Go off on a tangent.... Ice Cream, Cookies, Juice, etc... are not bad foods, when eaten in moderation... It's the over indulgence of these foods that makes them bad for us.

Your daughter will NEVER forget you. You are her mommy and she is your precious gift from God. Always remember that God allows everything to happen for a reason.

It may seem like sooo much to deal with right now, but take it in stride; you have bigger things to worry about. Reading your request, your mom hit the nail on the head with one thing... She raised 4 children and you are 1 of them... You turned out well and you're obviously a GREAT parent, make that an EXTRAORDINARY parent, you are overseas and still worried about your angel....
She will be FINE! And so will you....
My prayers are with you...

Hi M.,

This is a tough situation.

First I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for the sacrifices you are making by serving in the Marine Corps. You are my hero!!! I thin that it's your mom's job to make sure Kaley remembers who you are. My brother is also in the Marine Corps and spent 8 months in Iraq almost 2 years ago. I always spoke of "uncle G" to my daughter and showed her pictures, etc. She even saw him on the webcam when we chatted online. When he finally came home, we went with my parents to pick him up at the airport and my daughter went right to him. She was about 19 months old at the time. I don't think that your daughter will forget who you are. I know it's hard being away from your baby - I go through these same feelings you are having and issues with my mom when I leave her for just a few days so I know how you feel to a degree. I just want you to know that I am so grateful there are people like you in this world. Maybe you could try writing your mother a letter and let her know that these things are REALLY bothering you. Sometimes it's easier to say things in a letter. Let her know that while you are so glad she is taking care of your little angel while you are serving out country, you would sleep better at night knowing that she is raising her just the way that you want her raised. Remind her that this is YOUR child, and this is how YOU want to raise her. Unfortunately right now there probably isn't really a whole lot you can do to control what she's doing. But I hope you will take some comfort in this: when you arrive home you WILL be able to establish your rules again with your child. I wish I could be of more help to you. I can't say enough how proud I am of you. Though I have never met you, I do know what US Marines are like and what it takes to be one. You're awesome!!!! Hang in there. It's all going to be okay. Hug, Hug, Hug!!!!

Unfortunately I don't have much advise to offer on this subject... but I did want to tell you 'Thank you' for making that sacrifice for America.
I know that it's got to be incredibly rough for you to not be at home with your little girl and I wish you all the luck in the world!
Come home safe and Thank you!

I know where you are coming from M.. I live with my mother because at this time, unfortunatly, i cannot afford to live on my own. My mother has been a life saver and I appreciate what shes doing for me. That said, even though your thousands of miles away, you seriously need to put a foot down. My mom started the spoiling when we first moved in and I told her that Ayla, my daughter, does not and will not have any babying if shes not ill, hurt, or scared. I told my mom that I didn't want her to have the horrible eating habits we have, i didn't want her addicted to TV like we are, and I didn't want her to get fat like us. She pulled that "I raised 3 kids and my younger siblings, and they turned out just fine" BS on me too. And I just came back with "Thats great, but she is still MY child" I can't suggest anything to make her cooperate except that if you have to be sent away again, tell your mom that if she doesn't comply with your wishes, you will find someone else to care for your daughter next time you need to go. It may be a threat but it works sometimes. (works on my mom, lol) I would also ask her if this is how she raised her 4 kids and if this is how she would suggest you and your siblings raise their children? That with the exception of a disability grandchildren require the same structure and dicipline that her children required growing up. Of course, with me and Ayla living with my mom, i just mention that shes going to have to deal with the consequences too if she teaches Ayla a bad habit. And if that fails to jog her into at least working with you on your preferred rules, tell her that you appreciate what shes doing for you but you don't appreciate her undermining your rules. And that if thats the parenting example she wants to set for you and her granddaughter.
On the other hand, (this is a two sided arguement) your daughter is most likely dealing with mommy being gone for a long long time and can't figure out why. Grandma is probably trying to overcompensate to keep grandbaby happy. Grandparents have this misguided concept that they have a "right" to treat their grandkids different than their kids, and in a perfect world, they would but in order for your daughter to feel safe, secure she needs that structure, boundaries, and dicipline to function properly. I wish you the best and I pray for your safe return to a nation that loves you, supports you, and prays for you on a day to day basis. Things always work out for the best. You will see.

Wow, what an awesome mom you are. So far away and still concerned about the best for your girl. Thank you and your family for the sacrifices made for you to protect our country.

Now comes the hard part. I too have a mom that likes to have her own rules. I respect the boundaries of her home and my kids do as well. What goes on at gram's house stops at her doorstep as my kids know I will not tolerate it. You may need to give grandma a bit of a break. Us grandma's were not meant to raise children (that is why we had them while we were young). It will take a little time to get things back on track once you return but she is only two, not 5.

God's blessings for you and our troops this Christmas.
C.

You sound like you are a very involved mother. I am sorry your mom isn't listening to your wishes. She should respect the fact that you are Kaley's mother. If she agreed to your rules before you left then she should follow them or at least some adaptation of them. I imagine you feel helpless in your current situation. How long will you be in Iraq?

This is a terribly difficult situation for your daughter. Her mommy is gone and she is too young to understand what has happened and that you will be back. It no doubt makes things very stressful for your mother too.

If you are going to be in Iraq for a year, at her age she will have a difficult time remembering you when you finally get home. My advice to you is to tell the military your family care plan isn't working out and you have no one to care for your toddler, and get back here to your little girl.

Best wishes,
D.

Maybe if you write your mother a letter explaining your thoughts and feelings about this matter. This way you can tell her exactly what you want to say without her enterrupting you. Be honest with her. Also, make sure you let her know how much you appreciate everything she has done, but that this is YOUR child not hers.

M.,

I think you are to be thankful for your mom taking over. I understand your pain being that far away and with no control. All i can say is be thankful she is clothed,fed,treated with nothing but LOVE while your away. I know that is not what you wanted to hear but you have to consider your daughter may be having a hard time with you being gone that your mom is just trying to comfort her with what ever she can. It sounds like your mom is a good grandma, yea you do not agree and i do not either. But be glad she is with someone that loves her as much as you do and will protect her while your out protecting our country. M. you can only do what you can be so far away. just when you call make the best out of the confersations and remember she is in a safe place. It is the Christmas season and you love your mom and daughter so just keep in the back of your head that when you come home things will have to start over with YOUR MOMMY rules. Merry christmas M. and Thank you for serving out country today. May God be with you and keep you safe to be able to come home to your sweet daughter.

C.

Hi M.,

First, let me echo what others have said and say THANK YOU for the unimaginable sacrifice you have made by being in the military and going to Iraq. I would suck it up and do it if someone MADE me. . . but I don't see how you folks do it. You are true heroes.

Secondly, what I hear you saying through all of this is that you feel you aren't getting your mom's respect. Maybe you can talk to her about it, or write her a letter (sometimes letters work better for me b/c I can make sure I say everything that I want and I don't end up sticking my foot in my mouth, LOL).

I am sure that you, your daughter, and your mom included all feel that things are out of control right now, and so tensions and emotions are running high. I can also understand the big feelings of a lack of control for all of you as well, and because of the distance there is a great deal of it for you. I am so sorry. We are wired to stay close to our children, not leave them, and what you are doing is SO HARD. I admire your strength.

I do have to say that I disagree with the poster who basically said, "At least your dtr. is a little older and not a little baby". My hubby and I left our daughter in October for 2 weeks and went to Europe. He plays in a band, they had some gigs over there, and I just knew it would be a bad decision to take her with us for so many reasons. Our parents split the time caring for her. Just last week, we were visiting my parents and she fell asleep on the couch. When she awoke I was in the other room and in her sleepy fog she thought that we were still gone on our trip and was a little confused. Nothing bad, but I did come in and tell her that I was right here and I hadn't gone anywhere. However, she was potty trained before our trip and since we've returned has gone back to having accidents almost every day. (Coincidence? I think not.)

I do feel that if she were younger then the trip would not have been as big of a deal, but you obviously can't change where you are now. Just plan on coming back home and, after an initial time of loving on her and spoiling her in your own way, getting into some routines. This will help her give a permanence to things and will give her some comfort. There will probably be a "learning period" for both of you, settling back in to things, but if you make sure to stick to your routines and special times then I believe things will go much more smoothly.

One thing that was really cool when we left our little girl was that my mom took a picture of us at the airport as we left, and she put it into the front of a little picture album for my daughter. Then she took pictures of Anna Kate doing different things while she stayed with Grandmama and Granddaddy -- going to the pumpkin patch with her and my sister; at the local restaurant for breakfast, sitting in the booth with my dad; dancing out in the front yard in her princess dress; etc. Then, after the pics were developed she put them into the album so that we all could look at them and Anna Kate could remember her "vacation", and her daddy and I could see what fun she had and not feel like we missed out on everything so much. If she's able to mail/email some to you along that would be great, too! That way there can be more focus on the "Fun" things that are going on and less on the rule-breaking.

Also, if you're not doing this already, have your mom or a friend set up giving your daughter little "happies" every once in a while from you. We had something every day for our daughter on our trip, but since you're gone a lot longer, maybe it could be once a week. My mom started this w/me when my little sister was born, and I remember feeling SO SPECIAL getting gifts from "the baby". My daughter was very excited to get goodies from Mama and Daddy also. So I know that your daughter would absolutely love knowing that you are thinking of her in some way.

Sorry that this got so long! Feel free to message me if you ever feel like talking about this or anything else. We support all of you over there and await your safe return home!!!!!!!!

Take care!!!!!