Drowning

I'm trying to grasp it all...

You sound like you need some serious counseling...I think I mentioned before that you shouldn't be dating for at least a year so that you can figure out who you are...and today with this? you sound even more lost....

You need to figure out what it is you want...if you still have love for your ex then it's possible to forgive him and who knows - he might have grown up...I don't know...

I've not walked in your shoes....but from this? you need some serious counseling to get you where you need to be...you are overwhelmed with questions and guilt...

Maybe a good relationship with God will help you as well? Try talking to a pastor, priest or rabbi to get some inner healing going on...

HUGS...and prayers

Okay. Here's the thing. Nobody's life is perfect. Not yours, not mine, not your daughter's, not my daughters'. Nobody's. And J. because our lives aren't perfect doesn't mean they can't be happy. Do you think your child's life is miserable? It sounds like she is a happy kid who is excited to do things with her mama, and she's probably equally happy to do things with her dad! A few weeks ago, my kids were crying because their grandparents live 2 states away, and with the cost of plane travel, we can't afford for them to go see their grandparents more than once or twice a year! Does that mean I'm failing as a parent?? Uh, NO. We all want things we can't always have. That's life.

Kids are resilient. Stop beating yourself up. You got out of a marriage where your husband lied and cheated, J. so you could beat yourself up?? What the heck! Be proud of the strong woman that you are, and be proud of the example you set for your daughter! She will not grow up thinking that men cheat and lie in normal relationships. That's huge!

Chin up, camper. Things are going to get better. Go have a glass of wine and relax!

You're not robbing your daughter of anything. You opened up her world to show her that wives/mothers don't have to tolerate cheating spouses. You showed her that some people are better parenting partners when they're not together.

Please get some counseling. Your daughter will be perfectly fine, perfectly safe, perfectly happy. She has two loving parents who will each provide loving homes for her and she has two families that love her. She's a very LUCKY little girl. It's your outlook that leaves a lot to be desired.

Based solely on this post, I would suggest some serious therapy. You have a lot of forgiving to do. For yourself and for your ex-husband. Do THAT for your daughter's sake so that you don't smother her with this self-pitying drama. Your daughter will not lack for anything. Don't treat the situation as if you've doomed her to some black pit of despair in a fairytale. When you ended things you didn't take away her father. He's still in her life. Don't be sad for her when she still has her father and he's present in her life.

You sound very depressed, though, which means in order for you to parent your daughter properly and be the emotional support she needs you HAVE to get therapy. I've lived my entire life with depression and anxiety and I can speak to how wonderful therapy and counseling are with the right therapist. Mourn your relationship in a healthy way, and do it for yourself and your daughter so that you can both move on.

I have four kids but my youngest was four when I filed for divorce. My ex decided the best way to get M. back was to hurt M. as much as possible so I would go back to make the pain stop. The only way you can hurt M. is through my kids. I watched as the most outgoing, gregarious, sweet little girl J. withdrew into a shell. There was no laughter, nothing. It was as if the light went out. I don't remember how long it took. I looked at her and could not commit that I did the right thing. She was so angry and so sad. She recovered because we loved her. Her big sister was a big deal too.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/1136351168121929729

On that post is a link to the pictures from my wedding. Look at how many have this sweet ten year old smiling and wrapped around her step dad. That is the first time she has ever known unconditional love from a father figure. Some times we make poor decisions in fathers but end up with amazing kids. There is nothing wrong with finding someone who will love her and you.

Oh poo, I J. went through the pictures and realized they were all on my camera which I haven't uploaded. But hey, doesn't she do a mean air guitar? :p

Well, Jen, you certainly have a flair for the dramatic.
I actually agree with Catherine C. on this O.. None of us have perfect lives. We're all doing the best we can. No matter the hand we are dealt--or deal ourselves.
I'm a child of divorce. I'm happy. I have O. nose and two eyes.
I'll bet every single mom and divorced mom out there have the exact...same...feelings as you do.
Now you need to buck up. You've cast your die, sealed her fate.

ETA: Here's a post from a mom in very real pain. Kinda puts things into perspective:\http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/5887530384593387521

Now what are you gonna do about it?

Some people can forgive adultry and some cannot. Some can forgive and help a spouse overcome drinking and they're being an alcoholic and some cannot. (Over coming adultry takes some help from the spouse too!)

If your husband is sorry and asks for forgivness and promises to be faithful and you won't give him a chance to, then you have made a choice for not only yourself, but also your daughter. I'm not justifying what he did, but I only know of one person that never made a mistake, and I celebrate his birthday around Christmas every year.

Good luck to you and yours.

I do remember how it feels. You start off so sure that you can give your kids everything, a perfect family, a perfect life. and then you have no choice but to drastically change their world. She will adapt. You will both get used to it and if he can continue to be a good father she will have it much better than so, so, so many kids. Your goal now is to keep her father in her life. I'm sorry that cancer has to up your stress level right now. I hope you believe in prayer and use that to help yourself. S.

I am going through a lot myself right now. My bf stated last week he wants to move out. We have a 3.5 yr old boy. Today we are getting along a little better and part of M. thinks we may work it out, but I am apprehensive because I am not sure how he feels being that he said last week he was done. Are we J. going through a phase or is it really over? I also have been crying for a week straight mostly because if what this would mean for our son so I know how you feel about trying to negotiate a "broken home." Hang in there.

Very sorry to hear of all your pain. My thoughts are with you. I've often wondered what I'd do if something like this happened to my marriage...