Equal Parenting for My Live-in Sister

A.,
I am sure this is difficult for you. I cannot say that I understand, but I wanted to give you some encouragement. AS a counselor, we see parenting and marital discord a lot in this way, these are some things I suggest and practice myself. This is formative time in her life (as you already know). Your(meaning you and your husband's) parenting style now will be it for your own children. I would suggest you have a "Family meeting" first with your husband (which we do monthly to go over goals, communication, and update each other on our growth and needs for each other) to talk about your feelings, or if you have already communicated this, then what you can agree on as a team that will work for you both. You may have to compromise on a few small things, but stick to your guns on the things that are worth the battle. Listen to his reasoning as to what he feels differently about and then form a plan for what you will both go for, what you won't, and what talks may need to come from him (boys and grades) and what things will come from you (chores, social skills, etc.) . I find that whatever he tends to give too much on- give to him- then he has to deal with what happens when things go to far (i.e. when he lets her backtalk him, he also disciplines your children in that category when they do the same). Sooner or later he will realize something is not working and may have to adjust fire. Don't be afraid to give certain issues over to him and let him try it. We as moms tend to try to be super heroes and take on it all- if we are cleaning up then they never have to. This could be simply commuicated in your meeting like "honey, this is so hard for all of us, I fel like I need to take a break on her issue of backtalking (or temper tantrums) I get too overwhlemed with her being my sister and can't handle it like I should. Could we try you taking that category for a while?" The good part of this is it will teach your sister that there is such thing as a man who will stand up for his wife and that a good man has boundaries and limits. This is almost more foundational for her to see from a father figure than from a mother figure- especially her sister. Siblings are "supposed to not get along". After this meeting, present your list of do's and dont's to your sister, along with the consequences of her behavior so she knows what to expect from both of you, no matter who is home. I have a 15 yr old sister myself, and this is a normal time of their life to set boundaries- much like/but differnt from - my two yesr old son. Hope this helps- stay strong, don't lose it, and model for her what it means to be her sister, to take care of her like your daughter , and how a mom also protects her own family. LEt me know how it goes.

ask your husband is he going to allow his children to act that way because they will.The way you sound about him trying to win her over maybe there is more going on than you think. I would keep my eyes open if I were you.

In my opinion, your sister is old enough for you to sit down and tell her what you just wrote. I'd talk with DH first, which you may have already done. I'd sit both of them down and explain the situation. Your sister probably does not realize that everything she does is taken in by your own children, and at their age, they learn a large amount by example. If that doesn't help, you may need to seek family counseling. I don't know whether you belong to a church or not, but some of them have either programs or members that might be able to counsel you without charging you a ton of money. GOod luck!

I admire you for stepping up to the plate in a situation that would be too much for a lot of people! Your sister needs you, and you're there for her, even though it's going to somewhat complicate the parenting dynamic for your own family. (I think it's easier for parents to "develop" their parenting skills, and the "parenting alliance" between spouses has a chance to devlop, as the children who are born into a marriage grow and reach one "stage" after another....you, on the other hand, have a situation where you and your husband are suddenly parenting a teenager as well as your own two young children.)

You and your husband need to have an understanding about this new dynamic, and how it effects all the relationships in the home....and youre relationship as a couple.

It's the kind of situation that will require you to talk some things through, set some boundries, and agree on some strategies BEFORE you're called upon to react to situations. You can't work these kinds of things out "on the fly".....you need to know how you're going to handle things ahead of time....so you're on the same sheet of music when something comes up, and you're able to present a "united front" as parents. This will make it a lot less likely for parenting conflicts to erode the relationship between you and your husband....which is basic to the general health of your family as a whole.

Your sister is old enough, too, to appreciate the role and responsibility that you and your husband have been willing to take on, just because you care about how she grows up, and what happens to her.

For all the above reasons, I really do hope you will find a good professional counselor to sit down with you and your husband (and then,later, perhaps include your sister in the conversations) and talk through everyone's feelings related to the "new" relationships that are now in place, since she's living with you as her guardian. Parenting issues, even in 'normal' circumstances, can be some of the toughest things for a couple to work through....depending on how different the parenting styles they learned from their families of origin. This situation is even more challenging than usual for you and your husband.

If you don't know an affordable family counselor, I suggest you begin by calling a large, well-staffed Baptist church in the area and speak with one of the pastoral staff to ask for a referral to a good family counselor. Often there are payment arrangements that can be made....and you're not looking at a long-term counseling need....you probably just need to sit down for a few sessions. If you'll follow through, I think you'll all really be glad that you did.

Best wishes to you.....