Ex-wife

I think you should honor his request. Family is very important, and when marrying someone that was once married with children you will come across these situations. Coming from a divorced family myself and now being an adult trying to please EVERYONE, I would have loved it if my stepmom came to us on the holidays. It really takes a big person to be able to do that, and the kids will respect you for it. If you take their dad away on the holidays you will be creating a bridge between you and the kids and their dad.

You are getting married so you are signing on for this...

Personally, my husband and I are from divorced families. It SUCKS. We got pulled back and forth growing up from each side.

We eloped on New Years Eve 1988 and never looked back. We created our own tradition and we do not go visit anyone during the holidays. If they want to see us, they can fly to TX to see us. We will not drag our daughter all over the country for visits.

We are very pleased with our decision, it has worked well over 20 yrs now. We were together 2 years before marriage and we started our tradition then.

Neither of us had parents who really cared what we thought. They were so self absorbed with themselves they would not consider taking a high road to make things better for their children.

You're going to do what my family used to do, switch off years. My family one year, his family the next. I've never been in a divorce situation, so I can't feel you on that one, but as far as married life is concerned, you have to compromise with him if you want things to be succesful.

I am assuming that your family and his are not in the same state to work out sharing the same holidays. You probably need to discuss alternating holidays. You agree to Thanksgiving with his family and then you share Xmas with yours.

Why don't you guys start a tradition for your new married life that the kids and grandkids come to your house the day after or the day before for a big dinner with you guys then he gets to see them and you don't have to see the ex wife! There is always a compromise!

If he is wanting you to go, I would say that is a pretty good sign that this him and his ex has taken the high road and so should you. My first suggestion is stop thinking of her as an ex but as family. If you marry him, she wil be in part an extensionof your family. It does nothave to be weird, many many people divorce and do what is right, and that is still being supoorting parents to each other and their kids. I would encourage you to go. In the future you can decide to spend it with you family and sometimes you should. But his kids and his grandkids are going to be together and this would be a wonderful gift to him and his kids in accepting their mother. I would never ever make him choose between you and his kids, it is your job and his to make you a part of their lives, and it sounds like he is doing the right thing. You can compromise later on, and their will be room for that as well.

Good luck, you may even find you like her.

I think you should start your own traditions. Everyone has told me that holidays were the hardest to plan when blending families (whether you've been divorced or not). We have a hard time trying to figure how we're going to see all of our family during the holidays. Talk to your fiance about planning a time for him to see his kids and grandkids maybe in Friday, or at a different time on Thanksgiving day. Yes, relationships do take compromises, and you should consider your fiance's feelings, but he should also consider your's. I don't think it's fair of him to put you in a very uncomfortable situation, when other plans can be worked out.

I say do as your husband asks to honor him. I would sit down and tell him that this will make you uncomfortable but you will go to honor his wishes. Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100 GIVING on each part. I say this as I was divorced and now I am in the most wonderful marriage. It is all based on selflessness......I try to honor my husband in any way that I can and he does the same...100% giving on both sides. This is just my opinion, not knowing your particular situation at all. I wish you the best for many years of wonderful happiness!

Wow! That could be a bit uncomfortable. I agree...start your own traditions. Our family celebrates Thanksgiving on Friday. We invite all of our friends over and make a huge feast. Anyone who had nowhere to go comes to us on Friday and we make a party. Lots of fun.

Figure out what works for BOTH of you. Your feelings matter as well. However, he should not have to choose between you and the grandchildren. Surely you can guys find some middle ground.

Good luck!

Assuming that you have a good enough relationship with his ex that spending the holiday at her house isn't weird, you are going to have to work out a compromise like do every other holiday or part of the day at each place if they are close enough--that's part of being married when both of you want to continue your own traditions. Work on it early and get it clear or it can become a very divisive issue in your marriage.

Also, try to remember that so much emphasis is put on holidays--it's really just a day. Unless it's a chance to see people you rarely get to see during the year, you can find all kinds of ways to compromise.

Good luck!

My husband as an ex that we have deal with on similar situations. She lives in Tennessee with his daughter so that makes it easier now. We moved to Tennessee and lived very close and when holidays came around we did not do one big holiday. I personally would not feel comfortable either. I totally get the whole respecting your husband thing, but what about your feelings. He needs to stop and think how awkward you are going to feel. YOu aren't going to know anyone besides him and his daughters. Unless there is just this great relationship between you and the ex and everyone involved. Your husband needs to come back to realty and realize that you are a blended family, but you guys are going to be creating your own family. Go with creating a new tradition where his girls/grankids come over later that day or a different day. I've done celebrations and special events before with the ex and it's awkward. There is no getting around it. Your fiance used to be married to this other woman and everyone is just supposed to just be best friends. You may have nothing against the woman and that's fine, but like I said you and your fiance are creating a new life, so he needs to embrace that and realize that him and his ex are no longer a family together, there are other parties involved. Just find new traditions that you guys can do together and with his kids.
Good Luck!

As a daughter of divorced parents (& my husband is a son of divorced parents) we love it when our parents are big enough to be in the same room together, especially for our children. I hate having to go house to house to house on the holidays. One Christmas we had, I believe, 8 stops. I think you should do it for your husband and his kids and grandkids.