Ex Having a Child

I think it's going g to be worse since his dad visits only 4x per year.
Why is that?
Is he geographically very far away? (That stinks!)
He's going to have to process why this other child gets to live with daddy every day and he gets 4 visits per year.
I'd definitely look for a counselor -- someone neutral he can talk to.
And be very open & honest with him & his concerns.
I've seen various kids go through this and honesty about feelings is key.
All the best!

I think it can be great. I've know a few couples in the same situation. The older siblings (also around 8) were so excited to have a sibling! I think if you're positive about it, he will be too!!

Your son gets to be a big brother!! That's something exciting and GOOD to look forward to. Unless *you* show your concern or say ANYTHING like "I hope your dad doesn't forget about you when the NEW baby comes along", your son will be fine. It's up to you to put the positive spin on it. None of your fears will come true unless YOU plant that seed in his head. Being a big brother is super cool - make sure you help your son be the best big brother he can be.

Would you be this concerned if you had remarried and had another baby? Probably not. But yet you do because it's the father.

Lets be realistic here. Your son is 8 years old. Not 3! Explain to him that daddy has another son (his little brother) but he still loves you just as much as he ever did.

Well, I was the one who had the kid and we went out of our way to make the sks feel loved and valued and important. Right now you are projecting how your son will feel, but you don't really know. You don't know if he'll feel replaced, if it will be a problem, if there will be any issue at all. So please try to be positive and let your boy be a proud big brother. My DD is currently hanging out with her teen sister. They are quite close. You never know how things will work out.

Personal experience. My sister said that she just knew her son was going to be upset because of the new baby.

Nope. not 1 oz of worry or jealousy. My BIL and his wife were great. They made sure the kids knew that they were going to be a great Big brother and my niece a great big sister. And they are. They fell completely in love with their new little sister. the relationship is still so good. They call this little sister before they call their father!

Sorry to say, it made my sister look jealous. She had told everyone this was going to be so upsetting to the kids. That they were jealous.. not true.. Nope. Not at all.

Your attitude will make a difference, but I am going to bet, you have raised a very caring, loving and kind son and he is going to love respect and protect his new sibling.

I think you are over thinking this. How your son reacts to a new baby is dependent upon how you react. You need to put a positive spin on this. Oh wow Sweetie a new baby brother/sister that's so exciting now you are the BIG brother!!!!! Only talk in positives.
Remember this is not the new baby's fault. This baby is innocent of anything that may have happened between your ex and you.

It sounds like you still have feeling for your ex. You sound very angry. If you are still angry at your ex you still care about him. If you didn't care you would feel nothing. Apathy is the opposite of love not hate.

Being a big brother is awesome! That is what I would tell him. He is 8 not 4 so he should be able to understand the situation.

Its all in the presentation of the material. I would be upbeat (even if you want to vomit) happy and tell him how much he will enjoy having a little brother.

You cannot control how your ex handles this but you can control how you handle it. Be upbeat and positive. Please don't say anything that you wrote in your post. If you are positive he will be too.

Good luck!!!

If he only sees his dad four times a year it probably won't impact him as much as you think. People get remarried and have kids with new spouses all the time. I imagine it would be harder if he saw his dad a lot because there would be more of a daily impact/reminder.
So don't worry about something that may not even be a problem. Don't even mention it unless your son brings it up. If he does remind him that mommies and daddies sometimes have MANY children, but they always love them all.

You can't stop your son feeling what he feels. His FATHER is the one who is going to need to step up and make it clear that he is not being replaced or loved less.
If YOU were the one having a baby, then it would be YOUR job.

Yes. My little sister is 13 years younger than me. I freely admit that I am deeply jealous of the relationship she was able to have with my dad as a full time parent, while I only saw him occasionally. But I recognize that as my own deal. I mourn the relationship I could have had with my dad, but I love my sister very much and have never blamed her for my feelings.
I think giving him space to feel however he is going to feel is important. You don't want to give him a complex that he is a terrible person for being jealous of a sweet little baby. Just stay open to him, don't force the issue with some big confrontation about his feelings. Encourage your ex to tell him how much he loves him. And let him know that your world still rises and sets on him :)

the only advice I can give you is that you need to not say one word of what you wrote up there. why would a new child make him loved any less? would you love your son less if you have another child? parents have lots of space for lots of kids. You should say well its pretty cool you will be an older brother soon. and leave it at that. let him talk if he wants but if he only sees his dad 4 times a year he probably doesn't have any great big feelings of sadness anyway. this is only a problem if you let it be.

Kristin C. is more than likely spot on – YOUR attitude toward and worries about the new baby are what your son will be watching. Be proactive on the side of love. That can ward off a dark closet full of possible problems. Also, if you are on speaking terms with your ex, I hope you can talk your concerns over with him.

I think it's more you than the son. BUT, I totally understand that you cannot be honest here as the mamas would be as hard on you with that honesty as they are now.

Good luck to you and your son as again, I understand the fear.

It's totally natural for you to be concerned. I think it will all depend on how his Dad and mom include him when he's there. Make it a positive thing, let him know he's the big brother. Let him help and be part of it - and be sure to make time during his visits for him to spend some alone time w/ his Dad too. Can you talk to his Dad about this? Best of luck.

It is a good bet your son will feel all those things, and more. I would find him a good counselor, someone he can vent to and talk openly with.

Hi S.,

Great question. I concur with the general message of the previous posts. I would add though, even though they don't see each other much, there is no reason, especially in this technology dripping world of ours, that they can't still have time together. Make sure your ex communicates with your son as much as you do, focus on the positive and maybe even set up a weekly skipe call (especially with video) or dedicated email box just for Dad/Son time and focused attention. I know if it were me, having this dedicated time would mitigate any feelings of being replaced. I hope this helps. :-) S.

Focus on the positives...he is going to be a big brother!! The only way it would be negative is if his dad only wants to spend time with his new child and not with your son. If he shows favorites...that sort of thing. But that is out of your control. Your son may feel jealous as the baby gets older and he realizes his dad is spending more time with him/her. My dad went to all my two stepsister's school events and helped them pay for college, payed for their weddings, helped them get started in life, payed off school loans, etc. He did not do any of that for my brother and I, and yes we both felt/feel sad, jealous, and also believe he is a n a**hole. But it's not something my mom could do anything about.

Didn't your ex have a kid in 2012 (sept) with his girlfriend? this shouldn't be a new situation for your son since he apparently already has another 1/2 sibling.

If he's still seeing/communicating with his dad on a regular basis then it shouldn't be a problem. As others have said talk up being a big brother (although according to your previous post he already is one) and how fun that can be. Listen if your son wants to talk but DO NOT project your feelings and issues with your ex onto your son ... or into his head.

Also as other's have said ... your son is 8 ... what would he not comprehend?

As for a problem you didn't create ... yeah ya kinda did by having a child with your ex.

Honestly you have no idea how you son will feel. My grand neice (now 4) loves her little sister (now 2). She always has even though all 3 parents have issues with dealing with each other. It doesn't take away from the fact that she doesn't feel anything but love for her little sister.

Sometimes we think there will be a problem with our kids way before going through the situaiton and just seeing how they react.

Deal with your own angst and wait to see how your son feels. He may surprise you. It may not work out the way you are describing to could work out.