adding a few comments here: My kids are really empathetic and understand that he has 'differences'. They have always been very accepting of him. Unfortunately, it appears that now his primary symptoms are the argumentation/confrontation and what I refer to as a 'lack of filter'---it just seems like he blurts out any thought that pops into his head (which includes a lot of comments that hurt feelings ---'I don't care' 'shut up'and 'bossing' the adults- don't get snippy with me) And although he is much older (he is a teenager) than my kids, and b/c my kids don't have these differences they are not allowed to talk to anyone like that. (The side issue was that when we had him with us, his mother didn't give us a clue as to how to help him - so I feel like we may have made matters worse. I think we may have aggitated him more, leading to more of the 'nonconventional' behaviors.)
I am wondering if it is enough to just tell my kids that his 'thinking' is different and that his comments really aren't meant to hurt their feelings. (And that punishing him for them won't help him learn to not say them -- b/c he just doesn't understand)
My nephew was dx over a year ago. We don't see him often - though he doesn't live too far away.
Recently, I realized that I need to explain to my kids what is going on. Normally, I would just let it go, but some of his behaviors (which I know aren't intentionally meant to hurt my kids) are things that my own children are disciplined for.(confrontation, challenging authority, and stuff that I categorize with my kids as 'rude' comments)
I am not really sure how to explain it so that they will understand --- and know to not to discuss it. (B/c I think his family would be po'd if they heard we shared his problem with them- which at least partly is silly since it is pretty obvious that he is 'different')
In the past he had always had parents present when we were around -- and I have just told them 'we have our rules and they have their's'.
There is a part of me that just wants to avoid situations where his parents aren't around, but I think if they live this 24/7 a break is probably something they really need.
After thinking about this a lot - and reading the great responses here (thanks all!) I realized that I probably didn't word my question to get the information I needed. I have talked with my kids about how M. isn't able to stop himself from saying what he is thinking - that he doesn't realize he is being mean etc.....I think my kids grasp that BUT I also decided that I need to examine the circumstances we are around him to minimize the amount of hurt feelings and stress. Before we have him alone w/out his mom present I am going to ask her for ways to help lower the stress for him (he isn't used to being around kids other than at school). If he has to ride in the car I am going to put him in the front (he currently rides in the front with his mom) with my Dh and I will sit in the back of the van with the kids. (My dh is much better at 'ignoring' than I am)
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M.B.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
I guess it would have to do with their age. My daughter is autistic, meaning she is more severly affected. We explain to others that her brain is an example of a computer, and her "computer" has a virus. Their brain isn't functioning properly and it is not their fault. Sensory issues are a whole different topic.
Talk with your children and let them know that these children are NOT retarded. My daughter is labled as the "retarded girl" in our neighborhood, which is difficult. Teach your children compassion and try your best to see both sides of the situation. Sometimes it is just as hard for families whom are affected with any difference to assimilate with unaffected peers. Some of these children are overly sensitive to loud sounds, quick movements, crowds.....which is all unconrtolled in a new situation. FInding resources online may be your best bet to educating yourself on asperger's and better explaining the issues your nephew faces to your children. Everyone is affected differenly, that is why it is a spectrum dissorder.
There are several places that offer free baby-sitting for affected children once or twice a month. I can forward all this info to you if you feel the parents would be interested.
Best of luck.
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A.J.
answers from
Kansas City
on
Maybe you should get a book on Aspergers. It might have some tips with informing your children and yourself on how to deal with him. It's the least you could do with it being your nephew and all. Thankfully it was not one of your children that had the Aspergers, what would have done?
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K.A.
answers from
Kansas City
on
just tell them that he understands things different and change is hard on him. I taught preschool and one of the kdis in my class has it and that is kind how we explained it to the other kids. That when he says something mean he does not mean it it's just hard for him to express his feelings in a non-mean way
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K.B.
answers from
Kansas City
on
I don't see a reason for hiding the truth from your kids. I think it would enforce the thought there is something "wrong" with him and/or something to be ashamed of.
I would take this as a chance to talk to about how everyone is different. Maybe this way you won't make him the subject of the talk. I know there are some great books out there you can read to your kids to help explain it to them.
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A.B.
answers from
Kansas City
on
I would just say that he is sick and it makes him act in ways that he can't control, so he is not punished for them. Then talk about how glad they can be that they can control their behavior. As for not talking about it, I would just say that it is impolite to talk about things that people suffer from when they can't help it. If they do mention it, though, they are only children, and it is not a secret. His family needs to deal with that; it's not your problem.
