I am currently not speaking to about half my immediate family. I got into a huge screaming match with my brother, SIL, sister, and BIL on Christmas. I have an 8 month old beautiful little girl, but apparently my brother and sister have started having issues with me ever since I had my daughter. In their opinion, I treat them and our parent's badly. I don't know what they're talking about and it's hurt me very much to be suddenly without my family when I've always put my family before everyone else, including myself. I've never even really had a life of my own until I met my boyfriend and we had our baby. I was always there for them to babysit (often right after just getting home from working all night), to talk, to stand up for them and support them. I admit that I haven't been around as much since I've had my daughter, but isn't that normal? I don't know what they expect from me, I'm the one that was traveling down to visit my brother and SIL (they live half an hour away) every week with my newborn (who hates being in a car seat) so that we could see them and they could see the baby. They never made the effort to visit us, but I didn't think anything of it because we live in different towns and they have two kids of their own and busy lives (my sister lives about 4 hours away so we only see each other on holidays). Sorry this is so long, but I feel like I need to get this out there because I have been going over it and over it since this all happened, and still don't understand. Anyway, it's been months now and things are not any better, we are still not speaking to each other and if my brother happens to come to my mom and dad's house while I'm there, we just ignore each other. At this point, and especially after they ruined my daughter's first Christmas (and also ignore her whenever we run into each other), I do not even want things to get better. I feel like I'm done with them and that's that. The only issue now is the kids. I of course still want to see my nephews and neice because I've always been close to them and they've always been my world. My daughter's birthday is in July and I've been thinking about her party. I definitely want to invite my nephews and neice, but I absolutely refuse to invite my brother and sister because they have not shown any interest in my daughter since we had our fight and I think if they're going to be petty enough to take our problems out on her, then she doesn't need them. I am worried though that they won't let their kids come to my daughter's birthday party if I don't invite them (and to be honest-I understand that, I wouldn't send my daughter off to a party that I wasn't invited to), but I really want my kids (nephews and neice) to be there, so my question (after this huge essay) is what should I do? Shoudl I suck it up and invite them for the kids' sake, or should I stand my ground and miss out on getting to have my nephews and neice at my daughter's first birthday (as well as most likely not being invited to their birthdays)? I know that not inviting them will worsen our situation, but like I said, I don't care about fixing our problems, but I also don't want to jeopardize my relationships with my nephews and neice. I'm confused and torn.
I should have mentioned before that the fight we had at Christmas was the second fight. We had fought about a week or two earlier and that was the first time I found out that anyone had any problem with me. After that fight, I was hurt and confused, but still tried to put it aside and encouraged them to see the my daughter. I offered to let them take her to their house, come see her when I was in town, but then Christmas comes around and we're all at my parents' house and as soon as my brother and I come face to face he starts confronting me about this stuff again (and not in a calm way, but getting in my face and yelling). I then started arguing with him too (and by the way, no there was no alcohol involved), then I realized that my daughter was sleeping in one of the bedrooms and when my nephew got there he went into the room so the door was now open. I told my brother to be quiet because the baby was sleeping and he coldly said, "So, now you're going to bring up your baby?" That's when I stopped completely, walked away, and took my baby. Meanwhile, everyone started in on my boyfriend as well. I told my BF to just get our things and take them to the car while I was putting our daugher in her car seat. When we were leaving, my brother and boyfriend kept arguing with each other, and my brother actually started to try to go after my BF. My dad had to hold him back. So, because of all this, we just cut ties with them. I never would have believed that my family could just go insane like this.
Added 5/14/10
I just wanted to update: still not speaking to my brother, sister, or their spouses. Have decided to just give the kids an invitation and not make it clear whether or not the parents were invited. I'm leaving it up to them to decide if they want to go or not. I at least hope they will let the kids go. I do see everyone's point when they say I should just take the first step and try to speak to them and clear the air, but that's always been my role and now that I have my own family, I've decided I need to stick up for them and myself. My brother and sister have their own problems that have nothing to do with me and always have, but I think they seek conflict with others to avoid their own problems. They were always getting mad at my parents for stupid things, but still wanting to always leave their kids wtih them all the time. I always thought that was disrespectful and irresponsible, not to mention just shameless. How can you yell at your parents and then have the kids call them and ask if they could go pick them up and take care of them because their parents were going out? Ridiculous. Anyway, I want to thank you all for your posts, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
I agree with the others. Unfortunately, as nice as it might be, you can't bake your cake and it eat it too. If you want to maintain relationships with your nieces and nephews you have to figure out a way to make things cordial with your brother and SIL. And if being cordial means inviting them to the party with the kids, then that's what you have to do.
Good luck!
I have lived most of my life in the middle of a big family feud on my dad's side. He has 7 brothers and sisters and it seems like they all hate everyone else. Continual nastiness and drama. Then they had the nerve to be mad at ME when I went away for college and was unable to attend my aunt's wedding (I didn't have the money).
Well, at that point I decided, I've had enough of these people and I am better off without them. I haven't spoken to any of them since. It's been about 15 years now, and honestly I feel like a weight was lifted from me when I made that decision. I was finally free from their drama and constant judgment. You know what they say - you can't control other people, all you can control is your reaction to them.
So my suggestion to you is, if you miss your family, invite them to the party. If you don't miss them and are happier without them, then arrange to see your nephews and nieces when they're at grandma and grandpa's house, or pick them up from their house and take them out to do something fun. But realize that it will be very hard to have a good relationship with them if you're on bad terms with their parents. The parents will likely bad-mouth you to their kids. That's just how it goes.
Once you're a mother, you realize you gotta do stuff you don't care for very much. I'd be the bigger person and invite all of them. Then the ball is in their court.
Consider this: cutting your Bro, Sis, BIL and SIL out of your life WILL DEFINITELY impact the relationship you have with their kids.
C.,
I have to ask, when this screaming match occurred, had there been some drinking going on? Do the issues your siblings have with you have anything to do with your boyfriend? What could they have against an 8 month old baby? This situation must be absolutely terrible for your parents.
Concerning your baby’s first birthday coming up, should you “suck it up and invite your family”, so your nieces and nephews can attend? NO, you should "suck it up" and call the people with whom you had the “screaming match”, apologize and tell them you love them no matter who started the argument and do not want to be separated from your family. You should do this as soon as possible, so by the time Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, baby’s birthday and other special occasion roll around, you all might have started acting like a family again.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if you don’t believe me, run this by your mother. She’ll probably cry and you might too. Being the one that takes the first step is sometimes very difficult, but someone needs to. Why not you?
Blessings…..
I only have one question for you.
You say it is very important for you to have a close relationship with your niece and nephew (I am assuming they are a bit older than your child).
While you may not have a close relationship with your brother and sister, that doesn't mean that they can not have a relationship with your daughter.. Right now they can't be very close to your daughter because she is so young that you have to be with her. So if they are having problems with you than your daughter will just be in the crossfire and get ignored as well because of her age.
If it is important for you to have a relationship with your niece and nephew do you not think it is important for your siblings to have a relationship with THEIR niece?
Just something to think about.
L.
How old are your nieces and nephews? Can you still call them and talk to them and maintain a relationship? If you sent an invitation to them, would their parents assume that they aren't included? If you really value your relationship with your nieces and nephews, I would invite them, and if necessary their parents to the party. Then it will be on them if they are going to be petty with your daughter or not.
I think even though it might be one of the hardest things to do. I would call a family meeting and talk face to face about your fight and anything else that may be going on. Sometimes it takes you to be the bigger person. Even though it's tuff. There could be some misunderstanding and just talking about it could mend feelings.In the long run you only have one family and it seems you do love them or you wouldn't be so hurt by there actions. You should be able to have your neices and nephews in your babies life know matter what. If after having the family talk things still arent any better at least you know in your heart you gave it your best shot. I hope this helps. Good luck!
Family can be tough.....but they are still family. I would take the high-road and be the bigger person and invite them. But before doing this I would write them a letter explaining how you feel. Let them know that you still love them and their kids, but you feel really hurt by the situation. Writing a letter lets you better explain yourself then a fight match. Give them an opportunity to do the same, and then try meeting face to face for dinner or something before the party.
When I was 8 my mom had a big fight with my grandma. When that happened my Grandma pretty much cut all ties to our family...what did that mean? I hardly saw my Grandma nor did she have any part in my life while growing up from that point on. A couple of my moms brothers cut ties at the same time. Sure here and there I would see my Grandma and she was always nice to me. Every year she sent me a Christmas card with a little bit of money. But what I mostly missed out on was a set of Grandparents as my dads parents had already both passed away. My immediate family made a vow to never let anything like that happen within our family...and I am going to stick to that.
So my suggestion, if you want to be a part of your nephews and niece's lives and vice versa theirs in your daughters then I suggest being the bigger person and trying to work things out.
