Okay now what in the world do I do?
I have been told by DH not to speak to my SD.
She's doing anything & everything to make trouble for me yet again.
It seems like each new day/year in the teens bring more trouble.
So I've resigned myself to limit any & all conversation.
Against my nature but will do.
I am discourage from getting her gifts b/c she throws them away.
Easter is coming, I cannot in all decency, not make a basket for her. Jut put in a few chocolates? No gifts? I can do that, I guess.
It's like trying to steer clear of a bull in Spain during the bull run in the streets.
What is your solid, healthy advice?
Will not divorce. We are a family and need to find some way to work through this.
Any advice appreciated. Please be kind. I am doing my best. TIA
Thank you everyone. Your advice has been helpful. I will make a sm basket of a few candies.
We have been to counseling. I will continue on my own to receive professional input on how to proceed.
It would help if her parents would guide her as parents instead of being her friend. I think all parties are doing the best they
can considering the situation, misconceptions, limited thinking. I will simply honor the request to disengage & not speak to her as requested. When my son notices her snottiness towards me I will just continue to state that I don't know why that happens. TIA
Wow.
All I can say is that IME, very few problems or issues get resolved without discussion.
Good luck.
I went back through your profile to see how long you have been having issues with your step daughter.
I stopped in November 2012.
So, you have been having issues with her AND your husband for at least 2 years.
You have complained multiple times about each of them. Husband is passive aggressive, controlling, yells, demanding, demeaning, and basically a big jerk. Your step daughter is insolent, ignores you, throws away gifts, ungrateful, mean, and rude.
YOUR FAMILY NEEDS SERIOUS COUNSELING.
Seriously? Stop asking US for help and start asking a professional. If you don't want to go and do that then you will continue to be miserable as a step mother and as a wife.
L.
Sometimes disengaging is an appropriate response. There is a difference between ignoring a person and refusing to buy into his or her drama by feeding the fire. You haven't explained how it has come down to this so I am left guessing. The situation does paint your husband in a bad light but I would hope your family had their well thought out reasons for this approach. Do you have any thoughts on how it came to this point? Do you have any plan on how to fix the situation? Disengaging is only one part of what should be a multipronged approach. Counseling certainly sounds like a good idea for everyone involved. In general I respect my husband's wishes especially if we have fully discussed the matter and agreed on why and how this (no speaking thing) would work.
As for the Easter basket, I would do less is more and stick with food items and useful trinkets like lip gloss and balm, hand lotion, etc. If she chooses to throw it away, then you have spent less but you have still done something. Because they are useful and/or edible items she might not throw them away. Good luck. It sounds like a tough time for your family so I am sending you well wishes and strength.
Don't speak to her for how long? Will HE be speaking to/with her in the meantime? Saying nothing won't get anything accomplished. Time, alone, heals nothing. It's time and work. What does he want you to do in the meantime?
If you guys are not in counseling, get in right away! You first. Then, you and your husband.
When my husband and I got married, I stood my ground on some things involving his kids and ex. Some things, though, had to be put off whiel we built our marital foundation. If that is not strong, then a deluge of the tiniest arguments will break it down. I held off on some arguments until we got stronger and I believed that we could withstand all the personal feelings that would come into play.
If your SD is a teen, I don't see anything wrong with completely disengaging for a while and letting her father deal with her. That's difficult if you are a mother at heart. You don't know how to relate to a "child" unless you are being a mother, especially when you sense a need. Having a "passive" husband creates a need, and you feel out of sync if your hands are tied. You are trying ot figure out your place.
If she's living with you, you should still greet each other, and you should still be respected as the woman of your house and not just the woman who lives in her father's house. Outside of that, back off and regain your sense of peace and centeredness. And get some counseling from someone who deals with this every day.
Your husband has told you not to speak to someone who lives in your house? That's mature and productive.
Get to counseling. If he won't go then go without him. He is supposed to be your partner. Sometimes parents disagree over how to handle kids, they don't forbid their spouse from speaking to the kid if they don't get their way - that's just childish.
No adult in a healthy relationship orders another adult not to speak to someone.
You don't say what her problem is when it comes to you. Why does she throw out your gifts and act snotty towards you? What does she say when you ask?
Nothing is one-sided. What's the other side to this situation?
Not speaking to the SD is not going to solve the issues that your family is experiencing. There is a way to disengage, but it seems as if he wants to "avoid" the issue and this is his solution. You don't explain how she makes trouble for you, as you put it. And if someone throws away the gifts you get them, why on earth would you still waste your money, time and energy to keep giving them gifts? That's not logical. Individual and Family counseling sounds like a good idea for all involved. Good luck!
Have you talked to a counselor about this? It sounds like such a sad standoff. The anger needs to be recognized and worked out. If it were me, I'd tell my husband that I was going to see a counselor to find out what I should do to handle the situation, and I'd invite him to go with me. If he chose not to, I'd go by myself.
If he doesn't want you to talk to her, is he handling everything? I do not know your backstory, but if my DH told me I couldn't communicate at all with my SD, HE and I would be having some communication about how he thought that would accomplish anything good. It sounds like what all of you really need is family counseling.
If she throws away your gifts, that's between you and her and you can decide to no longer be the primary gift giver. My SD is somewhat careless (and not sentimental) and I no longer gift her with anything I care about something happening to.
The other part of it is that your son sees how his mother is being treated. Do you want him to think that women should be treated this way?
Micky I haven't gone back to read any prior posts but are you in family therapy? If you're not...is there a reason why not? Because living a life where the best course of action that your husband can come up with is to not communicate with his daughter and not get her gifts sounds like a really lousy idea that will just make things worse. Unless a trusted third party has gotten a read on the situation from sitting down with all of you and working with you and has reason to believe that a temporary stop in communication will help to diffuse things, then I can't imagine a situation where *less* communication resolves the problem.
If I were you, I would respectfully but firmly tell your husband that it sounds like he's frustrated and out of ideas and that you need to work with a family therapist to help resolve whatever is going on. Ignoring her won't make this go away.
