Father/ Daughter Relationships

Dear K.,
I am not in this situation, and never have been, so please take my opinions and do with them as you wish.

From reading your post, it sounds like this a very abusive man. If not physically, then emotionally and verbally. If this were my daughter I would not allow any contact with this person. He is not a Father to your daughter and it doesn't seem that he wants to be.

I am a Chrsitian as well, but there some decisions you have to make regarding your family and everyone's well-being. There don't seem to be any benefits of your daughter speaking to him. If she is *scared* of him, that is not a relationship that needs to be pursued.

Thank god i will probally never have to go through this with my kids but i grew up just like your daughter, only it was my mom where I had issues. I lived with my dad from 4th grade on, so I was about nine, and constantly had problems with my mom. she got pregnant aroudn the same time I was sent to live with my dad, and that's sjut how it felt and we never recovered from it thankfully we have since but it took having children of my own to fix things. anyways i would suggest you all sit down and talk, and if you aren't comfortable find a mediator, even if it is the school counselor, a pastor or priest or just a person with whom you are both comfortable. your daughter needs to tell him how she feels and you need to get to the bottom of this, focing her to go and be miserable will only make ehr resent you but not making her go sends the message that she doesn't need to try to have a relationship with him. My father never made me go spend time with my mom when things were bad and it only made thigns worse in the long run. you telling him that he upsets her isn't ever going to get him to stop the things he says, he needs to hear from her and she needs to be able to do it without completely going off on a teenage tantrum. I understand that that isn't an easy thing to do but the calmer she is about it the better he will react, and while you need to be there for her the less you input the more likely he will be to feel that it is her talking and not you. it's a tough time for a girl as it is and he seems to blame you for a lot, but finding a way to work it out is really the best thing you could do for your daughter. good luck.

Dear K.,
I had a friend who was going through a similar problem. The most important thing is not to pressure yourself to be Mom & Dad. And not to feel guilty about disciplining her. If you've been the stable and loving influence in her life, then she'll ultimately (even if she refuses to admit it) understand that it comes from a place of love. And a lack of discipline is just going to make her feel less stable, as well.

You know, it sounds like her Dad does love her, or else he wouldn't call everyday. But, I agree, it doesn't sound like you ought to force a relationship anymore. He probably has a lot of his own issues if he feels the need to be so critical with a teen aged girl. You might try to express to her that though he loves her, he has trouble understanding how to treat the people he loves and that that isn't her fault, and that any unpleasantness he directs at her has nothing to do with her. The most important thing for her to understand is that even though it feels personal, it isn't. If the relationship eventually builds into something better, that's one thing. But in my opinion, its better to error on the side of caution than to force her into a situation that may seriously hurt her self esteem... especially at that age. I know this probably doesn't answer your question, and its only my opinion, but I feel for you.

You have a LEGAL obligation and denying contact is wrong. You very well could end up in court and lose more time with her. Or you could make the first move and try to have your daughter fulltime as she is of the age of reason. Her testimony may allow her to stay with you with less visitation with her dad. Talk to an attorney before you get in legal hotwater.

I would also advise encouraging your daughter to talk to dad on the phone. Consider counseling so she can learn to deal with her father and have a relationship with him until she is truly old enough to make a decision to have one with him or not. Denying all contact is not the right solution.

Hello K.. I'm 26 years old. I have an almost 2 year old son. My parents have been divorced since I was 6 years old. I would like to explain some things to you, but would rather not for everyone to see. If you would, could you email me at ____@____.com? I have a similer story, but it's the other way around for me. I lived with my dad and didn't have a great relationship with my mother. I feel all your pain as being a child that knows what your daughter is going through personally.
Thanks and I hope that I can help shed some light.
V.

so much of what you wrote reminds me of my childhood with my own father. God bless you and your daughter. i pray you'll find the answers you're looking for. unfortunately i can't offer any advice on the subject. when i was 13 i stopped seeing my dad and would avoid his phone calls. it only took a couple of weeks and he never called again. and i did not see him again for 12 years, until i found him dying of cancer in a little rock, arkansas hopital. we were reunited for 1 year til he passed away at the age of 46. i asked him why he hadn't bother contacting me for 12 years and he said he was ashamed because he let so much time pass. i dont know what to tell you to do with your daughter, except to pray and see what the Lord does in your ex husbands life. Good luck!

Coming from the daughters point of view, let her decide. She is old enought at this point to choose. I had a hard time with my dad when i was younger. Now that im old our relationship is alot better. My parents split when i was 4. So with time she may seek him out and she will learn for herself if its worth it. As for blowing up(standing up to) on him good for you!

I am writing you on your daughters behalf, reading your story nearly broke my heart, I am the daughter of a divorce, I am 22years old, and it has taken me years to overcome the damage my father caused me. Just like your ex husband he would have nothing to do with me but demand respect and criticize everything, you are doing nothing but hurting your daughter in making her and asking her to have something to do with him. Why on earth would you want to have her around a man like that? There is nothing that she will gain any benefit from in having contact with a father who treats her that way, it will do nothing but cause her emotional and mental problems as a mother it is your job to do all you can to protect her from that.

K.,
You have many responses sharing in your pain. I had many stressful years between my dad and I. He remarried when I was 18 and we still struggled as he tried to raise my 2 little step brothers and sister. But when we got in our 30s and began having children, dad softened out. He was softer, and I now miss him - after many many years (he left when I was 11). Guard your daughter against your ex - she will believe all men are like that. Hopefully you can have a brother in law or church family where she can see what a true relationship is all about. Turn your pain, confusion, scared feeling, and yes - your daugher over to the Lord to take care of and watch over. Ask for guardian angels to protect her from the wiles of the devil and give her peace. My prayer for you is for guidance, Godly counsel, and true friends to help you in your times of need. May God grant you and your daughter peace and joy.

It sounds like you have had a lot of, I feel, good advice. I grew up in the same situation also. My father was very abusive, both verbally & physically. I feel you & her need to sit down with him & tell him how everyone is feeling. If that does not work & he gets defensive (which he probably will, because he may think he is doing nothing wrong) set guidelines. If he messes up she won't go back. Be firm with him but not cocky. He will instantly take offence & that will be the end of his cooperation.
Good Luck,
My prayers are with you & your daughter.

Dear K.,

My ex-husband was the exact same kind of person - very judgmental and critical of everything I said and did and my appearance was never good enough. People like this actually have very low self asteem and the only way they can feel big is by making everyone else around them feel small. He told me I could never survive without him and since I divorced him I got my PhD, a very good job, a wonderful loving husband and a beautiful 7 week old baby girl.

It is very demoralizing to have someone like that in your life and neither you nor your daughter need that at all. Thirteen is a very bad age to have someone tell you you're not good enough, you need support and reassurance in your teen years more than ever. You can always try to tell him that this behavior towards your daughter is unacceptable. If he's anything like my ex, he will not toleerate being told what to do. If that's the case, then you need to cut ties with him completely. It is better for your daughter to grow up without him than to have such a negative, selfish, demeaning person in her life. Chances are, you will feel better about yourself as well without him in your life. I too told myself that the Christian thing to do was to forgive him and try to stick it out (for 6 1/2 years I tried to forgive and forget). But trust me, God wants you and your daughter to be happy and mentally healthy. You have done more than enough to try to have him be part of your daughter's life, but it seems like he just doesn't really want to, at least not for the right reasons. If he loved and cared for your daughter, he would not behave this way.

I would speak to your daughter very candidly about him and let her know everything (if she doesn't already). You should not try to protect her from the truth, she is old enough to understand. Have your daughter mail him a birthday card and not speak with him directly if she still wants to wish him a Happy Birthday. That way she can say what she feels in the card without him lashing out at her over the phone (if that's what he does).

Good luck and please take care of yourself and your daughteer, not him!

N.