Help Daughter Cope with Uninterested Dad

Amen to Julie B. ~~~Well said~~~I would document what is said between the daughter and father, just in case....

I think it's great that you asked how you can help her. Bravo mom for keeping the focus on her. It's great that you are focused on helping her, not hurting him.
I have lived with a similar situation for years. My ex never saw his own daughter but was raising his girlfreinds 3 daughters. He would make plans and promises he never kept. So, I asked him to stop making promises. I asked him to make arrangements with me and I never told her. I just made sure she would be available. That way if he showed up it was a great suprise, if not, I was the only one disapointed.
I used to try and "band aid" thier relationship. I would go in one room and call him and then I'd go tell her that her daddy called and wanted to talk to her. I wanted her to feel loved and wanted. I eventually gave that up and let them have thier own relationship. He has to live with it. All I could do was help her understand that it wasn't about her.
As you know, a relationship with dad is key to a young girls self image. Girls that have issues in that area are at risk of having issues with promiscuity and comittment. They may have trouble finding and maintaining healthy romantic relationships later. You may want to explain that to dad, so he has some idea of how important his role is. He may just not know any better. Mine would take her on extravagant shopping sprees a couple times a year to make up for not being there. Now she equates his love with his wallet. I don' think he thought that one all the way through!
I also strongly urge you to avoid the temptation to put him down. 1st because she is forming her idea of what you can expect from men and what men are supposed to be like. If you continually point out what a jerk he is, she may think that's normal and the best she can hope for. 2nd it undermines your credibility. Noone wants to hear what a jerk their dad is. We go instantly into defense mode. She will form her own opinion of dad and noone is more critical than a young teen girl. She wont need any help coming to that conclusion on her own. I don't reccomend making excuses for him. What I did was tell her that "I'm sure he is doing the best he can and it's not your fault. He's missing all the fun we have and that's sad for him."
Maybe you can get other good men in your life to step into the rolemodel department. Maybe uncle, grandad, or step dad can take over some of the duties this guy is slacking on. Maybe a church youth group or Younglife. Something where she will see good men doing good things.
I found it also helped to keep mine so busy that she was too busy for him. I kept an eye out for "esteemable acts." Someone told me once that's how you build self esteem. You do things that you are proud of, that make you feel good about yourself. We volunteered with various charities around our city. Food Bank, Habitat for Humanity, etc We helped out elderly neighbors. Not all the time, but periodically. I tried to counteract the effect of having a no-show daddy on her self esteem. I helped her to find ways to be proud of herself and she eventually got to the point where she wasn't as hurt by her dad as she was sorry for him. My heart goes out to you and her. I think you're a great mom and she's lucky to have one outstanding parent.

This was my life 30 yrs ago when I was 14. Middle child, daddy's girl. Then my parents divorced and my dad got a new family immediately, with 3 kids. There was no room in his house for me and my brother and there seemed to be no room in his heart for us either. It was painful to go to their house and they all had new clothes and shoes and awesome rooms and I had hand me downs. I quit going over there cuz it just sucked!
Well I got into a lot of trouble for a couple of years. Both parents were too involved with their own lives to see what I was doing, and it wasn't good! I went to go live with my older sister my Junior year of high school and she saved my life. I got back into school and graduated on time.
My relationship with my dad never got any better. He came in and out of our lives for the next 25 yrs. He doesn't know my children. They have only seen them a handful of times. He chose that family over us. He made those decisions. And it had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. BUT it took me forever to figure that out.
It doesn't do any good to talk to the new girlfriend. Her family is being taken care of and that is all she cares about. He has heard your daughter tell him, but he didn't HEAR her heart. That is very sad, but true. You are doing the right thing by her. At least she does have you.
Keep her involved in as many activities as both of you can handle. She will be too busy and too tired to bother with him. If you haven't already, get involved in church. That is always helpful.
I recently had a chance to reconcile with my dad and step mom. They are very close to her children and now their grandchildren. He even went so far and adopted her kids and they have MY LAST NAME! (my maiden name) My sister got sick and passed away and he came back into our lives again. We tried to make new relationships. But now 6 months later it has already falling apart. No contact.
I see now that he is a weak person. That my step mom is very strong and controlling and makes all the money. So he goes along with everything she says. And she just keeps him so busy with THEIR lives that he doesn't have time for anything or anyone else. BUT he could make the time if he wanted, he just doesn't know how.
If my mom had paid attention to the signs I would not have gotten into the trouble like I did. I turned out okay, it just took many years and 3 husbands before I learned to stop being resentful to men.
Good luck and keep being the AWESOME MOM you are!!!

So very sad! He sounds like a jerk. Sorry.
Can you get your daughter some counseling? It sure sounds like she could use it and sometimes it's easier for kids to talk to a neutral adult. Sorry she's going through this. Wonder how many more of his "kids" will be left in his destructive wake.....

OMG!!! I can't believe he would treat her like that! How do your other kids feel about it?

If it were me I would do one if not ALL of the following things...
1. Have a talk with the new girlfriend. She is part of the life that your daughter wants to be part of. If there is any future between the your ex and her she should be treating your kids like her future step kids. As possible future step kids, they should all have a welcome BED in her house. If the kids match up boys-to-girls wise, your kids should each get half of each bedroom in that house. Does that make sense? Your kids should be able to have a place to leave some of their stuff. It is their Dad's place.

2. Just plain become friends with your ex's girlfriend. There is no better revenge on an ex than having an active friendship with their newest flame. Oh the stories you could share!

3. I would consider suing your ex for the realtor and moving expenses you incurred when you moved so that your kids could be near him as he mislead you on his intentions for relationships with your kids. It would probably be small claims court???

4. I'd pack up and move. Either back to where you moved from or a whole new adventure. Talk it over with your kids, throw a dart at a map and go. Your kids don't need to be reminded daily that they are second on his list.

5. For Father's Day, have your kids send him the lyrics to 'Cat's in the Craddle' poem.

Sending many hugs.
M.

Please continue praising her for all the great things she is; and is doing! Talk to her one on one and explain, there is no reason for his selfish & rude behavior, but she is worth way more then she gets from him! Enforce it is his loss; and not hers, because he is the adult who is making his own decisions! Also continue to love her unconditionally! You sound to be a good mom! Continue doing the best you can and stay open and honest to her and her feelings! May God Himself Guide & Bless you both! Always.
Sincerely,
Kathy N.

Oh goodness, I am SO sorry for your daugther. Sadly, you can't really protect her from this. Well, you could, but she'd be left with questions that she'd have to invent answers to, and that isn't a good situation.

My tactic would be this: Be clear with your daugther that her dad is making choices and the only thing she can do is to make choices about her life, given the situation she is in. She can't change him and don't steer her into hoping he will change. Don't make excuses for him. The best she can hope for is to learn to live with the truth of what he is.

We all idealize our parents, and in some way we're all let down for a while when they show themselves to be human, or in the case of your ex, less than worthy of a child. We all have to learn to accept our parents for who they are, so that we can be OK with who we are. So let her see him for what he is. I know that a mom's instinct is to protect at all costs, but the cost of shielding her might be more than the pain of recognizing the truth from the beginning.

I know you'll be there for her when the tears come. It is my sincere hope that she will learn that it has nothing to do with her, but is his deficiency and ultimately his loss.

He's such a jerk. I am so saddned by this. I am sending you hugs and love.

Is there another great male role model in her life? Do you have any brothers that can help fill the void and make her feel like a princess? I wish I had a solution for you.

I have been through a very similar situation. I have three daughters, with the middle one being what once was the Daddy's girl. He too married a woman with three children. They live about 15 miles from us, and have for 9 years. I can sympathize with you and your girls. In my case, he and my girls have only grown apart due to his lack of interest in their lives. His wife is jealous of my girls, so their relationship with Dad has been not only strained, but has become basically non-existent except for holidays or occasional family reunions. They are now 20, 17 and 13 and have their own lives, but I have always hurt for them.

My advice is to guide your daughter to follow her heart. Don't force her to visit Dad, allow her to make that choice. It is the best thing to do. Make sure that she knows that your heart breaks along with hers, but that you love her and will support her decisions. It's always hard to watch our kiddos hurt, but at the same time, sometimes its best to allow them to see things for themselves even though its a hard thing to do. Its part of growing up and its part of life, even though our first motherly instinct is to protect them. Don't get me wrong, I fought it at first - insisted that he pick them up, insisted that they spend time with him and his new family/get to know his wife's kids. Truth is, it just complicates things and makes your life a living hell to continue to beg him to spend time with her. I've been there. My kids, too, slept on the couch in a 2-story / 4-bedroom house where there was plenty of room for an extra set of bunkbeds. They have been criticized by his wife for their weight, told to get up and move when they wanted to sit by Dad on the couch and watch a movie and he does NOTHING about it. I can basically count on one hand how many times he has drove the 15 miles to pick them up in the past 2 years. I have invited them to the kids' school activities, invited them to come by the house - basically everything other than asking them to stay for dinner - just to try and keep the relationship there. When they have chosen to pick them up (after a call FROM my girls) - they will come to the house, pick them up, get home and change clothes and head out for the bar or resturant, leaving all of the kids at home with frozen pizzas. Do not get me wrong, I am all for parents' night out, but when you have not seen your kids for months?? Not cool. Truthfully, when they are treated that way - they are better off staying home in a better environment.

All of this being said, after nine years of this - in February, I decided to file a child support review request with our county AG's office. Guess what -What he has been paying will double in amount & I will recieve twice the amount I have been recieving all these years. He has failed to report his pay increases, so that has him squirming. They are not very happy with me, but at this point I have one daughter in college, one about to start driving and another who is just getting active in extra curricular activities -all three still need his support. Sometimes, what comes around - definitely goes around and life has a funny way of coming back to bite you in the end. Long ago, he made a decision to alienate himself from his children and he is beginning to pay the price. So, yes - the children hurt, but in the long run - he'll only be hurting himself...when they walk down the isle, when they have children, when he gets older and starts wondering where time went.

Sorry for such the long post - but this is something that is very near to my heart. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Just know that with time, things will get easier. If she is not already, get her involved in something to pass the time...my kids are active in 4-H and FFA programs and we have made some awesome, life-long friends. Their lives are full and happy and I could not be a prouder Mom. Good luck with everything, and if you would like, we can talk and share stories anytime. :-)

Oh my goodness, my heart is breaking for your daughter too. I first would go and tell him off, how dare he treat his own daughter that way, what a JERK!!! But as for your daughter, just remind her how much you love her very much. Explain in life that you have no control over others, we each are individuals and are responsible for our own actions. Let her know the pain she's feeling is real and that you understand it. It doesn't make it easier to cope with, but you are here for her and she can count on you. Let her know that you don't understand why her father is this way either. In life we all have to go through storms, it's how we handle ourselves in the storms that make up our character. I know it would be easier to deal with if it was a friend or teacher, having your father be the jerk has to be the hardest on all, they are suppose to Love unconditionally, put their children first before their own needs, not be the selfish one. Be her rock, her cornerstone, he's the one missing out---
God Bless your family!

I'd give Tracy K. a dozen flowers if I could. Her advice is calm and wise.

There is no way, really, that you can protect your daughter from the dismay she feels. You CAN remind your ex that he made a promise to her that he's not keeping and explain that it is likely to have a long-term impact on her. But you can't make him change. I would imagine that as a step-father, his plate is very full right now.

You can be there to listen to your daughter, and affirm that the sad/agry feelings she has are normal. Leave space for her to deal with her own issues; at 14, this may be one of the hardest, but not the last, emotional situation she'll need to untangle.

I love a book called Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Studies show that children whose parents practice "emotion coaching" are more physically healthy and emotionally resilient, less affected by stress, perform better academically, have better relationships, and are less likely to develop behavior problems. The resiliency holds even in the event of a broken family. I strongly recommend this book.

I'm so sorry for the sad situation. I had an inside-out version of that happen to me when I was eight. My mom dated a man who promised to be a wonderful father to me and my younger sisters. Turned out he was already married with a family, but my mom didn't learn that until after she got pregnant and he abandoned us. Still hurts, and I'm 62 now. But I learned quite a bit from the experience, and am still learning. That's not a bad thing.

My best to you all.

Get some counseling for your daughter, either from school, church, or a paid professional. We divorced when my daughter was 2, so I did not start therapy for her until she was 7, after her paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather died. The therapist told me that my daughter had strong abandonment issues. Her father was not a regular part of her life, but he said he would be when she got older. However, he died when she was 13. She was in therapy off and on through college, because she had trust issues with men (you think!?). What you can tell your daughter is that it has nothing to do with her--she is lovable, but no one can make choices for her father but himself. (Don't tell her that's one of the reasons you are divorced--she'll figure that out when she's an adult.) Do your best to tell and show your daughter how proud you are of how well she is behaving (without pointing out her father's obvious poor behavior, no matter how tempting it is!). I know how it breaks your heart, so if you can get counseling for yourself, too, that helped me keep from killing my ex!

this is a tough situation. Being the middle child is not an easy placement in the family. You aren't the oldest and you aren't the baby, your sort of just there. That might be why she was "daddy's girl". You need to have a conversation with your ex. You need to let him know what he is doing to his daughter. Also let him know that you aren't going to be a buffer for him and her. He will have to deal with her directly. Be there for your daughter when he disappoints her. She needs to understand that she is not the one lacking he is. good luck!!

I understand the situation. All you can do is try to do your best for your daughter and let her know that he Dad loves her, but he has a new life now and he doesn't have control anymore. My ex did the same thing. It was sad, but his "wife" called the shots and he stopped paying child support and stopped being an attentive Dad to our son. When we were married, he was so excited about being a real Dad (he had 2 previously adopted kids) and after he cheated on me and we became divorced, he married a woman with 4 kids who quit her job right after they married. It will be him who loses out. Our son has learned that his Dad can't be there for him and doesn't ever have any money to pay for anything. I am his parent he can rely on. That's life. Your Daughter has tried to talk to her Dad and he has made his choice. Maybe it's time you moved your family farther away from her Dad and get on with your life. Your Daugher will have less expectations if she doesn't live close to him. You may not realize it, but kids who don't get all they want actually turn out better than those who do. She will be stronger because of this. It is important to teach her that she cannot rely on anyone but the Lord. She is never alone, even if her Dad has let her down. He (the Lord) is the Father to the Fatherless and the Husband to the Husbandless.

Time to Mom-up and call him on his promises!