Feel like I Am Never Included in Friends'plans

Pick one or two moms and try to get to know them one on one. It is easier to build friendships in this setting than in a large group setting.

Best luck!

I am in the same boat, always have been. Many of my friends complain of the same thing, but when I suggest well lets go have a girls night out, they are always too busy, or already have plans with the other girls and awkwardly avoid the subject. I didn't even have any friends as bridesmaids in my own wedding, and neither did my husband have any groomsmen... we seem to just kind of deflect people.

I don;t think it has anything to do with you being a working mom. i'm a stay at home mom, and while i do go to playgroup at times, I never get invited to anything else really. I evaluate myself, I'm a nice person, I don't gossip or take over conversations, I'm not pushy but not a loner, I'm reasonable and considerate.... so it's not like I'm this socially awkward disaster. Who knows?

I have learned (the hard way) most moms are the worst at making friends and being the kind of BFFs we are all looking for. What it sounds like is you want a social life right now, not neccessarily a BFF. If that is the case, I suggest looking outside your mom circle b/c it sounds like those moms are already in their own social circle rythm and may not have room/time for someone new.

The moms I hang out w/on a daily basis are younger sahm's w/kids same age as my kid. tbh they are good for a impromptu LNO but not dependable as far as long term plans. And tb-more-h, I'd rather not depend on them for my social life b/c they are unpredictable and undependable when it comes to committing to anything that doesn't have to do directly w/their kids, esp after their kids go to bed. So I've learned to reach out to my working mom friends or older moms. They seem to be more practical, forgiving and open to hanging out w/new people. Usually I just drop them a line "Hey, let me know the next time you go to Chili's. I love their burgers and I need a break"...or something like that.

You sound very invovled. Maybe you should take a few steps back and ease into the background a bit (yes, more than you feel you already are). Moms tend to avoid other moms who seem to know alot of people b/c as we get older, we tend to avoid having to talk to more people than we already have to. If I am a busy mom and I see a friend always talking to other people, I'll probably not talk to my friend b/c then I'd have to introduce myself and then deal w/the akward silence or feel pressured to crack a few dumb jokes to break the ice or feign interest in that new person. I'm more likely to approach someone sitting by themselves during soccer practice than someone surrounded by a ton of people...and I'm a friendly outgoing person! ;)

hth

I completely understand your position. I have fought with myself numerous times about all the activities we do and are apart of is because I planned it and initiated it. I have felt lonely and like people don't want to spend time with me unless I planned it. I prayed a lot about this faze in my life. I was in a moms group, I planned playgroups, activities, card night out and moms night out . I wanted to see a movie with a girlfriend, well then I asked and planned to find someone to go with. I constantly planned playdates for my kids even now that they are older.... I just got so frusterated with being the one to plan. Then one day I said, I will stop and see what happens.........it took weeks and months for people to come around and ask us to do things.
But then I realized this was my personality and I was having myself a void in my life for not keeping in touch with people, not sending my cards of encouragement and blessing my friends around me. I was meeting my need by meeting others needs. If it was that they are not phone people or mail people or people that call me to ask me to go out, that was not there thing. I could not get upset with them for not initating. They would even tell me that they envy our friendship and so glad that I stay in touch and keep the activities going. I realized that no matter how it happened or why it happened, we got to see those kids or friends or families and I was surly glad to have planned it. They all had a good time and it was good memories. I feel confident that this is my calling to be the encourager the initionater. I do feel from time to time alone and tired of this role, but then I take a break and learn to just step back and give myself a breath. I think God has a lot in store for each of us and this may just be your gift too.

I so relate! :( You could be telling my story ... except that my kids are now 15 and 18 years old! It's so hard to "not take it personally"! In my case, most of the moms who volunteered were SAHMs and they got together when I was at work. Maybe you're in a similar situation ... pity I live in Cape Town (South Africa) otherwise we could start our own "group"! I just wanted you to know that there are others out there that are like you ... unfortunately, my "solution" was to keep things friendly but to stop expecting the invitations that never come! My husband is my best friend and my kids are awesome - I don't need anything else in my life (even though friends outside the family would be nice)! Best wishes!

I've had the same feeling and don't have any good answers. I just try to keep it all in perspective, and recognize that I really don't have the time right now anyway.

Sometimes I think some of these things look rosier from the outside than the are in reality. I also think people (especially with kids) tend to gravitate toward what is convenient OR what makes them look/feel better about themselves. It's not personal most times.

JMO, and hang in there.

In no way do I think your situation is unique. From my point of view I would say I am in the same boat. I'm not sure that there is a solution. I have acquaintances and friends but I don't live in their pockets nor do I need to know all of their comings or goings - I guess I like some level of privacy. Maybe they view this as being stand-offish. Not sure - some people can also be clicky and if you aren't in to that you can be excluded. All in all I'm happy with my lot. Even as a younger adult I think this was the same for me, so maybe it is a character trait on my behalf.

It's interesting that you posted this because I feel the same way a lot. I am the organizer of a very large play group in my area for kids born in 2008 and am always the one trying to plan activities for all the kids in our group and their moms. However, I notice so often that there are little cliques within the group where some moms have branched off and they do their own thing together. I do wonder if there is something wrong with me that they would not think to include me. Especially when I am planning things and including them to come to my house, meet at a park, etc and we all seem to have a good time, but then I still am not included in their activities. My husband thinks it's just one of those things where some people have been doing things together for longer and they are just used to all doing those things as a group that doesn't include me. I've come to wonder if there are just certain things that bring those people together and I don't fit that certain thing. Who knows why people are the way they are. I am the type that tries to include as many people as I can in the activities I do, thus the reason why I am the organizer of a group (trying to get everyone together) and others are the members and do things on their own. It's a mind boggler!
I've always been the "everyone's friend" type but no ones best friend. It's frustrating!
Facebook has definitely brought to light who my real friends are and who are the ones that are just acquaintances. It's a good and bad thing. HAHA!

Good luck with everything! There are a lot of people like you out there! I wish we could figure out why those other people do the things they do. :/

I have the exact same issue. And I too have been stumped.

I feel like that some times too-- especially the past few months. There are certain friends I have stopped making an effort with because it feels like it is one sided. I am starting to look for women I know who are lonely and invite them to do things rather than continue to get my feelings hurt.

I often feel the same way, but I am a SAHM. My best friend is one of 3 women who had their kids around the same time - I didn't live here then. They are close. They plan things - just the 3 of them. They go on trips together. Sometimes I wish they'd include me - or at least give me the option of saying "No thanks", but it's okay.
Our kids are all around the same age. Sometimes when they go skiing and stay over at the mountain, we'll join them for a day so the kids can ski together. I think they've done things -- just the 3 of them -- for so long, that they don't even think to include me until it's too late and I become an afterthought.
I certainly don't take it personally. I do my own thing. I have different circles of friends. I'm good with it.
LBC

I think the issue is you are kinda a hybrid. Maybe not, I am not sure. When I was a stay at home mom we just called each other whenever we wanted to do something. Sometimes it was our kids wanting to hang out with friends somewhere. Sometimes it was the adults dragging the kids along to something more adult so we could remember we were adults. Sometime we dumped the kids at our parents and had total adult fun, beer and all. We would never think to call the moms that worked cause they were working.

Yeah sometimes we would do things in the evening but again there was this idea that working moms wanted to spend that time alone with their kids.

Now that I work I don't get a lot of calls from my old friends. When I do stuff it is adult stuff, planned stuff. I don't do nearly as much because it is all planned.

I guess what I am saying is it is two different worlds, it may not be about you.

It could have to do with the fact that you work outside of the home. It may just be assumed that you are too busy to hang out. Who I spend time with depends on their schedules, their kids' schedules, their DH's schedule, where they live, if they have transportation, etc. Do you initiate socialization? Or do you wait for people to come to you? There are 2 types of people in the world, at least from I've seen, the organizers/planners & the followers. If you leave it up to the followers, nothing would get planned. I say, extend the olive branch & see where it gets you. My guess is that you are seeing a romanticized version of the relationships these people have & that they aren't specifically trying to leave you out.

I know exactly what you mean. I seem to be the go-to-gal when people need a favor or a shoulder to cry on, but the last person anyone calls to hang out with. It's hard not to think something is wrong with you when it seems like no one wants to include you, but I think it's just a matter of not finding the right fit. I've been told that some people actually assume that I already have plans and so don't bother to ask. One friend actually said that I was too 'smart', and she didn't think I would enjoy doing things with her. ???? It doesn't seem to matter what age or race or 'class', I just don't seem to fit in.
So, if you find a solution, please share with the rest of us!

no good answers. Just something i know i need to think about and maybe you too. Do I want just one close friend or do i want less intrustive lighter friendships with a few people??
THis summer, it feels stupid to say it, but i feel like I have to arrange so many playdates for mykids and at this age i still tag along. I almost wish we didn't have so many friends, and ironically i still feel lonely, because these people aren't yet deep deep lasting friends. and i think i would rather have one close friend than 6 playdate friends.

chin up, you aren't alone. and we all go through peaks and valleys. maybe this is just a valley time for you.

I felt the same way when my daughter started kindergarten - all these moms knew each other already and I felt like an outsider. I was talking to one of the other moms and we started a bunco group. I became the organizer, she hosted the first one, because she knew everyone. 6 years later, it was the best thing I ever did. It took us a good year to really get up and going, but now it was the best thing I ever did. I met some fabulous ladies and a couple of great friends. I use facebook and love it. I also offer of, we should get coffee sometime, I host a summer BBQ each year. Make sure you are inviting them to places too. You will find out who the good friends are and who are just too busy to add you as a friend.

Remember, be out going & friendly - I have no problem teasing harrassing them and saying, "Jeez thanks for inviting me, whatever!!!" and then I laugh, usually they laugh and say, "oh I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah." Next time they remember. If they get uncomfortable when you say that - they didn't want you there for some reason and maybe you aren't as close as you thought.

Good luck and remember - your true friends will love you no matter what! ;0)

Do you accept the invitations that you are given? Nothing gets people to stop asking quicker than never going.

I feel that I am frequently the inviter and not the invitee. It's a hassle to always be the one putting yourself out there and then be on the hook as the nominal hostess. So I totally sympathize.

But I think that most people simply aren't as active as I am. It may seem that everyone's doing things without you, but it's probably not as much as you think. And I think that because I am so active and do seem to have so many friends that a lot of people think I am too busy to join in their activities so they don't always bother asking.

Honestly, I think I'd prefer a smaller, more tight-knit group of friends, but everyone is so busy these days. I find it's better for my family that we "hedge our bets," so to speak, with lots of friends so that we always know that we'll have someone to play with.