My daughter's stepmother lost her first husband to suicide. There is a lot more details to the whys of that, but I won't get into that. Shortly after she married my daughter's father. My daughter has a stepsister about 6 months younger than her. SM is trying to keep the deceased dad's memory alive for her daughter, and in the process my daughter is being exposed to the tragedy. (Stepsister was 18 months when he shot himself). I am at a loss on how to deal with this. SM opened up to me recently explaining everything that she is doing for the girls. My problem is I feel like my daughter does not need to be involved in the mourning of a man she never met. She is told this man is "daddy L" and that he is on the moon, that he was very sick and the doctors couldn't help him. This is not my child's past. I don't feel my daughter should be visiting his grave, calling this man she never met "daddy L". I am trying to figure out how to discuss this with SM but not hurting her feelings. She is going through hell right now because the whole tragedy has been brought up again and is in the news, dirty details and all. I feel like she can do what she feels is best to help her daughter, but keep my daughter out of it as much as possible. Do not take my child to the grave site. Do not have my daughter call him daddy. Do not have my daughter participate in memorials for him. I thought I would ask the people on this forum for advice because again I do not want to hurt SM any more than she already is. I just want to protect my daughter. This is not my daughter's past, and she should not be living as if it is. I feel like this tragedy is being forced on my child. Any advice on how to address this touchy subject would be greatly appreciated. So far I am thinking of setting up a counseling session with SM, Dad, and myself and talk it out. I understand that there is no way to keep it all hidden from my daughter, but I think it should be explained that this is SS dad, not generalized to include my daughter. I feel terrible that anyone has to go through this, but again I have to protect my daughter.
This has been going on for some time. My daughter was 2 when her father married, and now she is 6. The issue seems to be coming up more and more lately, with the recent news stories and such. Again any help would be appreciated. I feel like no matter what I do I'm going to look like the bad guy, but I have to think of my daughter.
It began when she was 2 and now she is 6?
As strange and weird as it is, unfortunately....this is all she knows now?!? Between the ages of 2 and 6 is a very crucial growing period....this situation is normal to her.....ya know?
I think at this point you need to let her decide for herself as she gets older and just stay out of it. This is something that should've been stopped years ago but now she's a part of it
You didn't mention how your ex feels. Have you talked to him about your concerns? If not, I suggest that's the first place to start.
If he's open to counseling, I think that would be the best route. SM will probably take whatever advice is given better from a therapist than from you.
If your ex won't agree to counseling, I would set an appointment for you and your daughter to go and get the therapist's opinion on how this is affecting your daughter. Then I would have another conversation with my ex.
I don't think that SM's behavior is healthy at all. It's been 4 years. She's telling her daughter and yours that her husband is on the moon (euphemisms should never be used when discussing death with children). And I honestly think it's disrespectful of your ex husband that she is clinging so tightly to the memory of her dead husband.
I would talk to your ex. Tell him your concerns AND that you sympathize with SM's loss, but you are very uncomfortable with her need to expose the girls to so much death and morbidity when it's related to someone neither of them know or remember. She needs counseling...maybe your ex can talk her into it.
If you have a decent relationship with your ex, come from a place of concern for HIS WIFE and your child. This level of grief is not healthy for that poor woman, or for his marriage, or for the children. She needs help.
Don't attack. Ask what he thinks. It doesn't make sense for your child to participate in all of it, but some is nice. And if the mom calls her deceased husband Daddy L to her daughter, that's just his name, so I wouldn't worry about that. Concentrate on helping the ex see that his wife needs some help to deal with the pain and the issue may take care of itself in some time. Also, you will be seen as a very caring co-parent in the situation.
Hmm, I respectfully disagree with you and many of the posters. This is part of her family, and her family extends beyond you and her dad. Your daughter's family includes her SM and SS. When the rest of the family is sad or tense or upset, she is going to notice and needs to know why. And if she's separated out at times when they do family things to remember him, she's going to feel isolated and not part of her family.
I think having a joint counseling session for all the adults to figure out how best to explain death and grieving to children is a very good idea. It also sounds to me like the SM needs some individual grief counselling. But I don't think a counseling session for you to tell them that you want your daughter left out of this will work because this is something that is happening to her family.
I think the idea of a counseling session is very good. If not, you'll need to talk directly with your ex and voice your concerns compassionately. If it were me, I would be sympathetic but direct, and let him understand that he needs to step in now and deal with his wife's grief. It may be a huge bone of contention for them as well.
If it continues, you may need to pursue a change of visitation order from the court. Which is likely not what you want, but may be a tool to finally getting into mediation and getting this poor woman some help. She needs support for her grief and needs to move past it as best she can. She is not helping her child--and certainly not yours--by processing her grief through them.
I think what you have written here is perfect. Either use these words to speak in person with the step mom or write her a letter if you think she will not misconstrue it. Be firm, not wishy washy, in telling her what is and is not ok to involve your daughter in. Good luck!
it is her sister's dad who died. they have been sisters since 2 years old. pretty much as far as they can remember they have been sisters.
i'm sure your ex is J. as much a father to this little girl as your daughter right?
so she should be able to visit the grave site and participate although if the step mom talks about this ALOT and does these things often i would think it would be beenficial for a counselor to be involved to help limit the occurances and talks. they shouldnt be mourning but he should be able to be brought up and spoke about like you mention.
i speak about my pop pop to my daughter who she never met. she's visited his grave site. she doesnt mourn him but knows of him
I think you are correct in that she absolutely shouldn't be calling him daddy or going to the gravesite. I think you hit the nail on the head when you suggested a counseling session. I hope you won't look like the bad guy for doing right by your baby and protecting her. You seem to be handling this with compassion and grace and I commend you for that-keep handling it and just gently broach the subject of family counseling with your ex and why it is necessary.
What does her father, your ex, say about this? I suggest he is the one to tell the step mother to stop including your daughter. You need to discuss how you feel about this and he needs to ask his wife to stop.
Seeing a counselor together is a good idea if everyone will go. If they won't you go to get help in dealing with this situation. You may have to be the one who discusses this with her. You don't need to hurt her feelings just be honest about how you feel. The way you wrote about it here is OK.
I agree that your daughter should not be involved in this. And if the death was years ago, grieving should not be so intense. Does she live with them? If the mom is talking about this all the time then it's not healthy for her own daughter.
If your daughter does not live with them you can talk with her about how this isn't her daddy and about your view of the situation without making it an all the time conversation. I would talk with my ex and tell him this situation is not healthy for the girls and enlist his help in finding a healthier way to handle this.
I looked at your previous posts. This has been going on for years. If the stepmom is still treating his death as if it happened recently I suggest that this could be a serious issue for your daughter. How is she handling it? She may have learned to ignore it. Or she could be having emotional issues of her own. If so, I would have her talk with a therapist. And if the step-mom's grief is causing your daughter difficulties I would consider finding a way to change the time she spends with her. Perhaps your ex would consider changing the parenting time arrangements if you were able to show that his wife's grief is negatively affecting his daughter.
I think that a counseling sessions with all of you is a good idea. The step-mom needs some help. If she'd be willing to go, hospitals have grief groups that could be helpful. They are free and open to anyone, not just for someone who has used the hospital.
I think Stepmom is stuck in her mourning process and can't quite move on.
Keeping a memory alive - you can only go so far.
An 18 month old will not have any memory of him no matter how many pictures she is shown.
It's ok for your daughter to be aware of what happened, but it does seem like she gets to participate in this more than makes sense.
I'd not be thrilled for the step daughter either - she has a step Dad and this keeps being dredged up.
Sorry but life goes on - and that's a good thing.
Some counseling every which way around is a good idea.
I think you need to take your ex aside and say that you understand SM's grief and the need to keep the father's memories for their child, but you think that she's confusing and upsetting YOUR (yours and his) child. Further, it's been more than 4 years - is the SM still caught up in her grief such that she might benefit from grief therapy? It may benefit all of them if she can process her grief in a more healthy way. I won't tell someone not to grieve, but I watched my mom's cousin get so caught up in her son's death that she dragged anyone around her into her dark place - which included seeing her grandson (daughter's son) as a surrogate/replacement son. You can imagine the issues from that.
So I would talk to your ex, though I wouldn't arrange a counseling session for everyone at this time. How does your ex feel about the Daddy L thing?
If your daughter has a happy home life, she is not going to be traumatized by the "Daddy L" story, nor will it be a big deal if she calls someone she never met Daddy L.
She will take her cues from you. If you act like it's no big deal, she won't care, she will just think the Daddy L story is an curious tale.
If anything, it's probably not that healthy for Daddy L's bio. kid, with her mom always going on about her dead father. So I don't agree that she should be doing that, but you can't stop her. But I really don't think your daughter will care.
I did not go into your past posts to answer this question... there was no need.
With that--I think that your daughter is not really into this mourning thing and neither is her sister. It will pass on its own. Otherwise, it seems you have good relationships with your ex and his wife--so leave it be.
