Feeling Awkward and Bad

I suggest you talk to her and let her know that you have trouble communicating things to others and the words sometimes aren't the right ones.

If you approached me in the bathroom and told me I looked fat (plump) I'd be offended and would tell you off for being rude.

I do think you didn't mean to call her fat so you do need to explain to this person that you have a hard time socially and were trying to say something else and picked the wrong word, unless you did want to tell her she's fat or has gained weight.

It's always best to start conversations with compliments (saying something good about a person). No one likes to hear that they look plump or tired. It makes them feel bad about how theu look. If you want to make friends, they best way is to make people feel about themselves. Praise their work, their clothes, their hair, whatever you think of.

I'm sorry that happened. You must feel really embarrassed.

If I had to guess, English is not your first language. And that's okay, but sometimes it can make conversation difficult. I would go to your coworker in private and apologize. Let her know that you certainly did not mean to offend, you just couldn't think of the correct word in English. You were trying to be friendly and used the wrong word entirely.

Once you've apologized for the misunderstanding, let it go. It was a mistake, you're only human. Mistakes happen.

ETA: I'm in agreement with Missy. If you want to make small talk with someone who isn't yet your close friend, stick only to positive stuff. The thing about friendships is that it takes time to get to know someone well enough to "earn" the privilege of talking with them about the negative things that might be going on in their life.

From your writing, I am guessing that you are not from the US and that English is not your first language. It is difficult to learn about new cultures and the unique things about each one. I speak a second language (Spanish), but not entirely fluently, and I know it is easy to make mistakes. I also know that things I could say in one Spanish-speaking country don't mean the same in many other Spanish-speaking countries. Usually, people are very kind and try to be understanding of errors I may make.

As you can see from the responses below, most people on Mamapedia are being kind, although there are one or two who decided to attack you and even ask whether this is a real question. I took a moment to look at your previous questions, and I saw that, while your English is good, it's still hard for you to communicate exactly what you mean.

So, in the US, as others have said, it's considered rude to comment on people's weight, even if you know them well. I'm not sure if you even know that "plump" means "fat", or that many Americans struggle with being overweight. When you tried to correct it, by saying she looked "tired", she might have still had hurt feelings, and also she might have taken that to mean she didn't look healthy. So people don't like to be told there is anything wrong with how they look. We also don't do a lot of personal conversation with people we have just met.

We also don't usually buy gifts for people we don't know well or who are work colleagues, so your very nice gesture of buying a wedding gift may have been viewed by her as being way too personal for a business relationship.

I think you should just apologize and explain that you meant no offense, but that you didn't know what the word "plump" meant, and that you didn't mean to insult her at all. Tell her that you struggle with small talk because of your language and because of your personality, that you were trying to be friendly but you feel a little awkward about it. Say that you hope you can move forward with a business relationship and casual, non-personal conversations.

Now, let me also say that it was very rude of this woman to call her friends and tell them about you when you could overhear the entire conversation from your desk. So you might say that you know you hurt her feelings because you couldn't help overhearing her talk about how upset she was.

From now on, concentrate on doing a terrific job, and on just making small talk about things that are not personal - the weather, how the local sports team did in their last game, you hope to get to the lake or the beach next weekend and what does the other person have planned, what movie or restaurant you visited and does the other person have any recommendations, etc. If this woman cannot forgive you, then she's not a very nice person and you have no need to continue to try to be her friend.

Good luck.

Seems pretty clear from your writing you aren't from around here. Asia? Since you have to pick US zipcodes to use this site I am not sure if you even live here so I have to ask, do you work in America?

I would not have a clue about the discourse where you are from but in America plump is an insult and going with looking tired is doubling down on that insult, not trying to clear it up.

Just apologize and say, even if it is a lie, that where you are from plump is a compliment and you did not mean it to be insulting. Then move on like it never happened.

Wow Amy J, I thought the consensus was I am the intolerant meany and you are so worldly and tolerant. Yet you apparently don't know that most Asian languages are not Latin based which means they don't translate well. She could have been going for healthy, glowing, happy, and you make her out to be knowingly insulting. You may want to be aware the world is not America and Europe.

Ditto all the advice below.

I am wondering....did you actually mean plump, in terms of slightly overweight? Or did you Google translate and meant to say something else like "Healthy". But followed by looking tired, did not help any.

I would apologize with the bad Google translate version rather than blame your culture that being plump is a compliment unless you're from Samoa or likewise.

Hon, keep bathroom small talk very very limited....."Hello. Nice shirt. Cute shoes....wish they had better soap in here, or nicer towels. Have a great day!

I'm sorry. You can fix this though. Just so you know for the future it is considered rude to point out someone's physical appearance. Telling someone they look tired or plump is not nice. Now you know. If someone comments on my appearance saying I look tired, I spend the rest of the day feeling down and thinking, ugh, I look bad today. The only comments you should make are, you look so nice today! Or I like your scarf, or necklace, or some other positive thing. I would have a private conversation with this coworker and tell her you are very sorry and that your english is not good and that you feel bad if you said the wrong thing to her. Is plump something that people say to be nice in your country? Here most woman would be completely insulted if someone called them plump. It's ok to be an introvert or to be a little shy, but be careful not to insult other people when you talk to them! Keep trying and be friendly to your coworkers every day. It takes a while to make friends.

I really liked your SWH... thanks for sharing that about yourself.

For what it's worth, when I was pregnant and in the elevator going to visit my obstetrician, I saw a woman who also looked very pregnant. I asked her how far along her pregnancy was-- turns out, she wasn't. All that to say, we all make mistakes! It's very embarrassing to make that misstep, but try to let it go.

Intercultural small talk can be full of pitfalls.

Once I worked as a programmer in a Britsh company.
We had Brits coming over all the time.
We once had a problem with a journal extract accounting program.
At the time the system would only let us use so many letter to name a program so we named it JourEx (for Journal Extract).
We were having some problem where some bad data was getting through and we were talking about how JourEx had some sort of a hole in it.
There we were in our cubicles and this very proper British guy from the next department comes over and sheepishly asks us:

"You're talking about a program, right?
Because Durex is the name of a popular condom brand in Europe (like Trojans in America) and I almost had a heart attack when I heard you were talking about it having a hole.".

Well we almost fell over laughing - it was funny AND embarrassing - but we had no idea about the similarity in names and we could certainly understand how it all sounded!

Just explain the expression lost something in translation and you weren't saying what she thought you were saying - you meant something else and "Sorry about the misunderstanding!".

These things pass quickly and become yesterdays news in no time at all.

***I apologize for attacking your question! I'm amazed that since she was having a wedding, you really did say things that would be nice to a bride in your culture and you did not know that plump meant fat! You are brave for coming here and trying to speak the language, so sorry for people like me who aren't understanding! I'm glad she took your apology and I'm sure she knows you are sincere. I would understand in her place if it was explained to me as you have done.***

IS THIS EVEN REAL??!!! Are you American? If not, in what country is it polite to make small talk by pointing out flaws? Shallow small talk must be polite in all the countries I've been to. People may be blunt (Germany, France, England) but they don't BEGIN a conversation with an insult to a person they don't know very well.

So. If this is real that's why the person shared your outrageous behavior.

Here is polite small talk to someone you barely know in a work bathroom: "Hi! (big smile) How's it going? Can't wait to get out of work :) I like your shirt! See you later!"

Save the honest criticism for people you know better who don't mind it. There is always something positive you can say if you really try. If you'd rather criticize, don't expect people to like speaking with you.

I'm sorry but I just don't buy the innocent act that you seem to feel "because these bad things happen to you you're reluctant to talk to people". How would you feel if your coworker said, '"You look plump and tired." ? Happy to meet a new friend?

Apologize and tell the person that in your country those insults are compliments.

It feels bad for a while when you say something dumb. I've done it a couple of times myself.

Just for the future, never comment on someone's weight, unless it's to tell them how good they look.

If English is your second language, you can apologize to her and tell her that you used the wrong word, that you thought "plump" meant something else.

i'm sorry. it sounds as if english is a second language for you, and it's easy to SNAFU. but yeah, that was a pretty insulting thing to say. both of 'em, actually, if you're talking to folks without a really thick skin.
all you can do is apologize, and perhaps make a (very brief) mention that 'plump' implies 'healthy' in your culture. but it will really just come across as making an excuse (and i suspect that's exactly what you're doing.)
try not to let it stop you from reaching out, though. just be careful to stick to phraseology that is completely clear and non-ambiguous. 'i like your hairstyle' or 'i've heard you're getting married- how exciting!' are much safer.
khairete
S.

You hurt her feelings. I assume that you didn't mean to do so, so apologize to her.

If you are not good at small talk, practice with someone who is already a friend. Have that person help you pick safe topics to chat about at work. A person's weight or looks (and also politics and religion) should never be on your list of topics.

I understand how something like this can happen--my husband made a similar error when he had just arrived to the United States and accidentally called a woman fat when he was attempting to compliment her. That was over 20 years ago. A few months ago his cousin who just came to the US 2 years ago told a female cousin that she was looking nice and fat--she was so offended. He had no clue what he said was wrong because it was a misuse of the word. In their country it would have been an attempt to say, "you look healthy/well."

Be honest with the lady and apologize for the miscommunication. Ask for her forgiveness and reassure her that you were hoping to be friends.

You did a good job explaining yourself to her. Cultural differences can be hard to understand. Hopefully she will choose to see that your true intention was kindness and your friendship will grow stronger.

I'm sorry you were feeling bad about this . I hope you feel encouraged now!

You aren't a native English speaker, so you don't know what you're saying when you tell someone they look plump. What you did was call her fat.

And of course you didn't mean to do that.

Perhaps the best way you can connect with people is to ask them how they are, what's new in their lives, and don't remark on what they look like.

The more English you learn, the easier it will be.

If I were you, I'd tell her that you found out that plump wasn't the right word to say, that what you were trying to say was (use the right word, and make sure that it's a positive word, not negative. Personally, I'd say "happy" instead of healthy because we don't normally tell people "You look very healthy". I just read that you already apologized. That should be the end of it.) I'd take the gift back to the store and return it, it I were you. She doesn't sound like someone who will be a friend since she was making fun of you. I wouldn't give a wedding gift to someone who made fun of me.

There are people out there who will be friends with you. Don't give up trying to connect. Just don't expect it to work with everyone.

You could always just come straight out and apologize.. If English isn't your first language, most people usually know if a word was unintended. I take Italian and I can't tell you all the times I meant to say one thing and said another simply because words sound similar..
in one instance, I meant to say I was relaxing "rilassare" and instead I said, risposare " remarry" .... two very different meaning.. but they both end in are... also take Guidare (to drive) and Guardare (to watch) there is a one word difference and often people mess those words up..

even people who speak English as their first language mess up all the time and misuse words.. if your intention wasn't bad, no harm done. again, I would walk straight up to her and just say sorry, plump wasn't the word I meant to use and ask her to bare with you while you are learning new words.. Sounds like without meaning to you hit a nerve.. truly if she wasn't plump or didn't see herself as such, the comment wouldn't have bothered her.. most people however if they are too fat or even too skinny can't bare to hear it from anyone else.. I know when I was at my fattest if someone said, "you are plump," I'd have felt hurt and that's because deep down or not so deep, I knew I needed to lose some weight..

I would definitely find a way to apologize to them. You didn't seem to mean to hurt them but these things happen, and the worst thing that could result is months and months of them thinking you're a mean person, cause you're not!

Oh geez. I think we have all been there before. It happens. Don't dwell, just keep it as a good lesson about greeting others. Usually we start with "hi my name is .." We talk about work, family, and hobbies. I rarely comment on someone's appearance. If I do it's to compliment them on their clothes, jewelry, etc.

I'd grab a good friend to role play with you on how to engage in a social conversation. Once you practice and are comfortable it won't be so hard and awkward.