For Moms of Teenagers

I hear you too. I have two sons. Once when I had the flu...... well, let's just say I could have been passed out for 3 days before any of those men came in and noticed. Then, they would have just been checking to see if I was well enough to go to the grocery for them.

Okay...... I am exaggerating! I'm trying to offer a little humor. I know how much boys can hurt you but please understand it is normal. Your boy loves you. He just doesn't realize Mom has real feelings...... we are usually so good at not showing them in an effort to protect them.....

I am so sorry you are dealing with cancer. It sucks! Your son HAS more than likely pushed it out of his mind and not because he doesn't care, but because he does. He can't really deal with it. Soooooo....... if it were me I would sit my boy down. In the sweetest voice I could muster I would tell him I love him, but that he really hurt my feelings........ explain why. It takes many many tiny little reminders, but my guess is he will get better. I know you don't feel like mothering him right now, but I believe he does care.

Tell your husband too...... tell your husband what you need. Another woman would probably know, but men often have to be told.

WOW! I would feel just the same way. It sounds to me like you have been too nice to all of them and let them take you for granted. We Moms tend to do that. My first question was, "how did you react to your son's disrespect?". You need to stand up for yourself and set him straight that he was hurtful and disrespectful. He should have had your back in this situation and defended you.

I would also have to sit down with my husband and explain how I felt because some of your son's attitude may be coming from his dad. Kids feed off the attitudes of their parents. If dad does not treat you with respect, son may not either.

I would be so hurt. I have a teenage girl and a teen step son. Maybe girls are differant than boys. My girl is very protective of me and very respectful. Maybe boys are rougher around the edges? But then again, I have never been shy about telling her exactly what I need her to do and respect is a minimum requirement. I wouldn't wait for a teenage boy to offer to help. I would tell him exactly what he needs to do to help. As a member of the family he has a duty. Did you tell him how disrespectful he was and how disapointed you are in him? You have to try to be more assertive in making your needs known. It's really not fair to expect people, especially guys, to know intuitively what you need and then be hurt when they don't do it. You have to be very direct with teenage boys, and husbands in my experiance.

I hear you!!
I am currently caretaking my Mom who is in hospice care and has 6 months or less to live. She can not be left alone for even a short period of time. I have to schedule everything for a time when someone can be here. I get so frustrated when I tell my kids I need to run to the store or cut the grass and no answer. I babysit on a moments notice if the grandchildren get sick but I can't always count on them to be here for me. When I get really frustrated and yell and explain that they are being selfish I get results, but I hate doing that.
I think it's time to sit hubby and kids down and tell them how you feel and start a division of labor at your home. Tell them from now on I expect you to do this... and you do this ... For instance the 16 yr old does all the dishes if they are not done --you go out to eat by yourself or use paper plates. Your hubby can do some cleaning and the other son take care of the laundry. You are recovering from a serious illness and now an injury--time to crack the whip!!!

It's hard when you are going through stuff and you feel taken for granted. When you have teenagers, you can't take anything they say at face value.

Your son was embarrassed! He felt bad for getting poor directions. He felt bad you hurt the car publicly. He didn't know what to say or do, but he felt frustrated and embarrassed and so lashed out at the one he loves the most.

Boys and men never know what to do for women. They don't take hints, sarcasm and manipulation and guilt are lost on them. You need to point blank tell them what they need to do, every time, and praise and thank them when they make an effort.

You are being emotional and males withdraw from that, because they can't fix it. Get some girlfriends to be emotional with, and save only smiles and praise for your men. It will turn around, you'll see. :)

You have been through a lot, for sure! This doesn't sound like just a teenage issue, but a general you not asking for what you need to get your needs met issue. People can't be held responsible for what we would like for them to notice or do for us. Or what we would want them to feel or not feel (especially if it's all in our minds). What we think is common courtesy may never even cross their brains. That doesn't mean they are bad, just different. We, especially women, who are experts at self-sacrifice, need to ask for what we need and make it totally obvious. And for the times we are disappointed in others, we need to learn to self-soothe in a way that doesn't involve the others (what they do or don't do). See Schnarch's 4 points of balance if that would help. I'm preaching to myself here, too, by the way!! Just because you anticipate everyone's needs and wants all the time, does not mean they do (you're an expert at it, by the way, after all these years--they are experts at receiving, not giving). But you are not a victim in this situation. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I think you deserve a vacation or some time off. Say, listen guys, I'm taking some time off. This cancer has really thrown me a curve ball and now with the rear-ender, I need to take some time to recover and focus on me. I'm going to lock myself in my bedroom for the weekend/go out of town/go to a spa/ get a massage, whatever. But don't do it so that they will feel sorry for you and finally notice you, but because it will rejuvenate you and make you feel rested and fill up your tank. Gosh, for what it's worth!!! Blessings!!!

It's hard to give a 16 year old an attitude adjustment at this point. He learned this from his dad. He's modeled this behavior over the years and he's the one to blame. Have a serious discussion with dad. YOU should not allow your husband to behave like this either. Take him to counseling. You have a one on one discussion with your son about how you expect to be treated. Don't settle for this self serving attitude, it will only get worse.

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. You are not being unrealistic. Children learn more by what they see than from anything else. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your husband has been a great model of kindness and compassion, and your son has learned how to behave from his father. I wouldn't give up on him, though. Perhaps there is another man in your life, an uncle or grandfather, who has characteristics you would like to have passed on to your son. Maybe that person could spend some time "coaching" him. It is very possible to have polite, caring teenagers. I have one, but he has had years of teaching from me and seen the positive example set by his father. I hope that your son will learn to appreciate you (and women in general) and will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.