Friendships - Smithfield,VA

I had this conversation with a co-worker last week. I do think they are different. I don't have a solution for you, but it is nice to know that you aren't the only one that feels that way.

I completley agree and have thought of this often. It makes me kind of sad when I look back at the friends I kept up with and vice versa. Now I find it difficult to form a thought and I certainly can not have a me day at the mall. But I know one day I will be able to do these things more. But for now I am grateful there is email to remind me that there are still girlfriends out there that remember me. I also attend MOPS at my church which gives me 2 1/2 hours to talk with other ladies that I am finding are becoming my friends. I think so often in life we try to hold on to people when we have outgrown the relationship. I received an email the other day about this very thing talking about how God placing people in our life at a certain season for a certain reason. This has also given me a good sense of value for the friendship that I do have and try to do everything I can to maintain them.

Becoming a parent puts you in a completely different world that is beyond the ken of someone who is childless.

Some childless friends will be pleased to share your excitement at your child's milestones and will offer a sympathetic ear when you have challenges. Others will wish you could find something else to talk about. Either way, you no longer have as much in common with these folks as you once did.

It's inevitable that friendships will change over time. If it isn't children coming along, it's other life events - getting married or divorced, experiencing the death of a family member, changing jobs, relocating, whatever. Some friendships will become closer, others will drift apart.

I don't know if this really answers your question or is even true for everyone. But I feel there are two problems. First, I have less time/energy of my own - less hobbies, for example. Everything revolves around the kids, and so if I make friends it is through them. I am not the kid anymore. Could I change this? Sure, but it's hard. Then there are also different consequences to friendships. It's hard to have intimacy with other people if you put your family first. It is one thing to complain to your friends about your boyfriend when you are 18. But it's different to complain about your husband when you are 36. There are consquences to things you say about your family, and there is a level of trust in which your husband and kids gets your highest level of intimacy. It is hard to compare that with a female friendship. That's just me thinking out loud... but yes, it's harder now. I can only imagine it improves when we are out of the preschool phase and have more time to ourselves. ALready, with a 5 year old, I have found it easier to make friends than when she was 2 and I was chasing her all over the playground.

Hello, Your friendships are what you make them. I like e-mails but I also love receiving calls from a friend. Sometimes you just need to spend some friendship time together. Like sitting and just talking. I know that family takes priority but it seems as if you miss the friendship. Make time for yourself and your friends. Good Luck

Hi,

I total understand what you are saying. Your right about only chatting with friends thru facebook or something. I have made playdates with friends and it's not the same. I think about it like life for myself has changed...as in playing with the kidlets and teaching them the way to be. Even when I find time to myself, I am still thinking of them! Your right about it being different though! I wish I had a better answer for ya.

Maybe I'm the only one that feels this way, but, if anything, I feel that my friendships are stronger now than they ever were. Sure, 'hang out' time is reduced, but with a clearer knowledge of what's important in life (God, children, commitment, etc. etc.) I have found that the friends that share the same values and priorities have stuck around and our relationships have deepened, and the others just drift away. Childless or not, married or not, if you share similar values it IS possible to have lasting and sincere friendships.
Please also note that I'm in the military and most of my close friends are pretty far away, so I'm not talking about people with whom I get together with on a regular basis. I find that any 'get togethers' now revolve around play dates, and that's just the reality of the life of a mother, but that doesn't mean that you can't form strong bonds with people.

I feel the same way. I miss the kind of friendships I used to have so much! It's hard to even find the time for a phone call and then I don't always have as much in common with many of my friends as I used to, especially friends who don't have kids. With those who do have kids, we have the same problem of trying to talk while also paying attention to our kids. I really hope it gets better when the kids get a little older and can maybe play together more and need less attention during get-togethers. One suggestion I have is to try to go on vacation with friends. If you spend several days together you are more likely to squeeze in real quality time.

Glad someone mentioned this - I feel this way all the time. I find it difficult making friends and maitaining trustworthy, healthy friendships with people that I have met in my adult life - I moved away from my hometown and find that the people in the town the I moved to are MUCH different then the friends I had growing up. I don't know if it's because we don't have the same background, morals, values, or what the deal is. But I'm amazed ty this all the time. I also have noticed that I remain closest to the friends that I have grown up with since childhood. Even some times with those friendship we don't talk very much unless it's thru texting, FB, or email. I miss that. I also believe (like with anything) it's a two way street when it comes to friendships... it's a give and take. Everyone has to do their part and make that extra effort to reach out to their friends even with busy schedules, families, etc. if you are to build long lasting friendship - get away from the computer and the texting from time to time and pick up the phone and reach out to those people/friends that you care about. Also, I have to admit I didn't understand the busy life of a mom (with family and kids) when I was childless and single - and wondered why some of my friends who had families and kids simply did not put forth the same effort as I did/would to keep in touch - but now that I'm a 37 year old, single mom of a 3 year old toddler - I barely find time for much anymore and I can understand it more now LOL - but I do still try to find time for my friends - because friendship is important to me - (I am more closer to many of my friend than I am to my sisters) so being a good friend is important to me - The truth is it's NOT easy because now when I get a little "me time" I don't really want to sit on the phone yapping it up - I want to just breath, relax, watch a great show on TV (uninterrupted) just chill and be to myself. So it's all a balancing act. I love my friends and I try to show them that by doing my part by keeping in touch as much as I can. Like many of you said - those real friends will understand and those real friendship that are "friendships" will stand the test of time thru whatever happens in life.

Yes, but try to find one day a month that you and your friends can scheulde for a movie, dinner, whatever.

Yep. That's normal. I call it "Life getting in the way." The good news is now that you and your friends are in the same situation, no one will think that it's your fault. Once your children are older, you'll have some free time to get together for other reasons aside from children's playdates and birthday parties. If it's a good friendship, it will be like picking up where you left off.

I am in the same boat and totally feel the same way. I was actually thinking the very same thing yesterday - I was curious as to if it is because we placed more emphasis on the superficial things when we were younger, so now all that does not seem as important and therefore does not bond us the same way, or if it really is just because family is more of a priority. I am really bad about keeping in touch - but I do make time for my friends...sometimes they have a harder time of it, but I try to accept our different stations in life. I guess that's just part of growing up - of course that makes it harder on my husband to actually be more of a friend to me than my girlfriends, but between housework, kids, errands, outings, there's not much time for other things...and even if we can make the time, it doesn't always match up with our friends....but for those friends that are worth hanging onto, they will understand and be there when things do slow down.

Yes Wendy. I feel that way a lot. I'm a SAHM too and all my "friends" work. They keep up in e-mail, chat, facebook, a maybe one or two might call me every once in a great while, but it's just not the same. I haven't been to a playdate since I moved to the Richmond area. The moms I'm around don't invite me to their groups and I don't feel comfortable asking to attend. It's hard, but I'm praying that it will all work out and I'll be able to have a group of friends again. God Bless.