Frustrated with Husband - Oneida,NY

I didn't know we ever got breaks from parenting!! :) I think to expect someone to not ask for any help for a whole day when you are right there is being a little out of touch w/ reality.

I think you need to have a serious talk, not at the time that you are frustrated, but discuss with him that you need for him to be in charge, which means that if you're doing other work or are simply relaxing, it means that you don't want to rescue the baby from yanking things off the table or comfort him when he's crying. You may think that you were specific, but "You are in charge for the day" may not have been specific enough. He may need to know that you expect him to prepare meals, feed, comfort and entertain the baby, not just when you are in the middle of something but even when you're reading a magazine and having coffee.
I would leave for an entire day, making hubby accustomed to being the all-day caregiver.

Wow, this seems like a very antagonistic way to have a family. Why does it have to be either "I" take care of the baby, or "you" take care of the baby. Where does teamwork come into the picture?

Yes, it's true, men don't understand the enormous amount of work it takes to raise a child. They also don't understand how thankless and lonely the job can be. But that doesn't mean that you should abandon your family to teach him a lesson.

Rethink your relationship here. What kind of a message are you sending your child? I can't wait to get away from you?

You do need your own time, but do you need the whole day? Take a few hours, do some window shopping or have lunch with friends. Then, come back home and be a team with your husband.
http://keystosimpleliving.com/kids.php

I complained about this same issue on Mamapedia a few weeks ago. My husband works nights and I have a daycare open all day so we get little alone time together. Plan things to do that make it impossible for you to be in charge. I have a regular yoga class I go to now and he knows that he is in charge.Even though he was initially willing to watch her, I know he was annoyed he would have to get up early to watch her when he is used to sleeping in because of night shift and that it would be right before regular meetings where he is a coach. I got in a tizzy because of his initial annoyance and just had to realize until I make plans to have me time and sometimes ignore his grumbliness the faster he will get used to it. Get a calendar and post your plans so it is no surprise.

Also, make sure the two of you are getting time together--it must be hard having to be apart 3 days at a time! He also needs "me" time too given his schedule so try to balance out his needs too. It'll probably make him more receptive to you needing it as well.

I agree with the last poster, trying to get him to actually understand is futile. Even if you did your strike, he would not do all you do, he would do what he felt was needed and when you got home you would do whatever he didn't do. You son would be fine, but really all that you see around your home, like keeping up with the kitchen, toys put away a night, whatever...that would most likely not be done, so you would still be playing catch up no matter how you slice it! First off, he works three days almost non-stop as you have said, so he also needs a break when he gets home. Now I don't know how many days he is off or anything, but if it is more than one, I'd give him the first day to relax from his taxing work as well. I mean he doesn't even get to be home it doesn't sound like. So the first day I would just focus on the happiness that Daddy is home, play with your son around him, this will help ease him back into home life. Make a nice meal, since he is around to eat it. Show him that you love and appreciate him. Then just tell him nicely that you are going to get a pedicure or out with the girls for lunch or whatever tomorrow to recharge your batteries and ask if he is going to be home at that time. It sounds like you are both wanting to be acknowledged for your hard work and nobody is doing that and everybody feels slighted. Also, I would really watch "telling" him what he needs to do. He's not a child, and more importantly not your child. If he walked in the door after three days and said "I haven't been home for three days, you need to get in that kitchen and make me something good to eat, take off my shoes and rub my feet and make sure you wear something slinky to bed, and you better do this bc I work hard and I make all the money for you. I am tired and my needs outrank yours!" I mean you would think he was a class A jerk. In marriage we have to show our love an appreciation for all the other does and ask for help when we need it, but not demand our rights or assume that our every need will always be met. Sometimes one does pull more weight for a time. It's life. But I do get that you need a break!! How about once a month? I used to do that, it was on my hubs calendar and would just pop up so he would know without me reminding him. Also, I recently joined a MOPS(mothers of preschoolers) group. It is so great!! I have a lady in my group with a 1 yr old and also pregnant, so they take moms of younger children as well, at least in my group. It is so awesome that twice a month I know I am going to hang out with other mamas and have fun and be inspired while my children are enjoying themselves, away from me!! :D I think doing some little things to take care of yourself will really help. How would hubby feel about a mother's day out program? That could be helpful too. Maybe come to him and tell him you are wearing down and need his help to think of ways that you can stay strong while he is working so much, tell him your idea, listen to what he has to say, and come to an agreement. He is your partner in life, not your childcare relief, team up and see what happens. I wish you the best, being a mom IS hard, I have been at it for about 4 years now and just when I think I have it down, everything goes crazy!!! Take care :D

I don't think you should leave for a few days, but certainly a few hours, or even a 24 hour get away. You can try explaining it to him, but until he actually experiences it, he just won't get it.

You do not have to make him understand, instead you make him in charge of your child and you go out and run your errands, then come home take a shower and then make arrangements to see friends and go,

If you have a project at home you want to do, you tell him you are off the clock for 2 hours and refuse to help with your child. you may have to close that door and hide from your child. If you want a nap, same thing.. Put in ear plugs and block out their sounds and get some sleep. Want to sleep in late? Same process..

Here is the rub.. Many times your child is going to want you if you are in the house. So it is sometimes harder for the father to watch a child who wants mommy.. That is why it is best if you go away.. they will then be forced to deal with each other.

You are both the parents of the child. You spend the most time with your child. You have a way of doing things, a schedule, feeding,. etc. Dads do it their way. Let them do it.. Moms comment and criticize dads, so dads shut down. You can remind them of what works best, but let them experience it their way.. Children are going to be ok if dad has a different way of doing different things.. They will adapt to each parent.
I am sending you strength.

Nicole M. really said it well. You are a team and you'll find that things get much easier when you work together.

When I was a SAHM, my husband helped out, but he needed his down time, too. Sometimes, SAHM's think that they are doing all of the work and their husbands just go lounge around at work all day. Not my husband- he works just as hard as I do, and he was just as tired as I was at the end of the day, so we helped each other.

I get that you are tired, but ordering your husband to be in charge of your child for a day, or threatening to leave for three days isn't going to get you anything but a resentful husband. Find a way to build in an hour or two at a time to recharge yourself, but also, find a way to work together and everyone will be happier! Good luck!

My short answer is you don't. A man will NEVER understand. Either that or they play dumb. I once left my husband with a daycare full of children, totally, on his own for a WEEK! At the end of the week he was alive, the kids were alive, and none of the daycare families quit. My daughter was born sick and had to go back into the hospital the day after she came home. He took emergancy vacation to cover the daycare. I was open 2 shifts, night and day. We had enough kids out on nights that he packed them all in his vehicle and brought the night and they played in the children's toy room while he visited our daughter.

There is NO WAY that the man didn't get it. He cooked, cleaned, changed diapers, answered the door morning, noon, and night letting kids in and out. He STILL makes insensitive statements about how I'm home all day. He still believes I should take care of virtually all family responsibilities and somehow make it all work while running a busy daycare.

Leave for the 3 days, just do it.

your best bet will be to take some "me" time and get out of the house. but if he is working 3 days straight without seeing you then he is working some monster hours. let him wind down before handing off the baby to him. But on his day off schedule yourself for something outside the house. or get a sitter to take the baby one day a week. giving him to a man who doesn't really want to do it is not good for you, your son or your marriage as you will just get more and mroe frustrated. Like the past poster I also have handed my husband the daycare and said here you go lol. My husband was laid off. My brother was having some life threatening surgery. I had to go to florida to be with him. the daycare parents said they were fine with leaving the kids. I left my son broke out with chicken pox the next day he was 2 lol. My husband survived it the kids survived it. Your son will be fine for you to take off for a bit. But it sounds to me like you just need to get out of the house.

I would schedule short breaks for yourself. Gym time, class/hobby time, friend time, whatever it is that would help you recharge. I don't think I could leave for 3 days, but an hour or two regularly can help lots!

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They don't get it until they live it.
Take a 3 day weekend and go.
LBC

At least go away for one day to allow him the opportunity to walk in your shoes for a little bit.
Take advantage of the free time by going to visit a friend, going shopping, maybe indulging yourself at a spa for a little bit.
You don't have to go away for an entire three days to prove your point.
By the same token, I don't think it is very realistic for you to expect to be treated as if you were an absent parent when you are still in the house.
Things just don't work that way.
Go away for the day, recharge your batteries and have some fun.
I think that you will find that if you go away for short periods of time, that will allow your husband the opportunity to learn to be more self-sufficient with your daughter when you are there and it just happens to be your down time.

kids grow up fast and while you do need your me time, don't forget that pretty soon they will be off with their friends and youl'l have more of a balance in your life. maybe that thought will help when it's all on you yet again.

I didn't read all the answers so you might have already gotten this advice. LEAVE for the three days! I started going to my mother's in Texas about every other year when my kids (we have four) were little. Was i afraid things wouldn't be done the same...oh yeah! But I'm really close with my mom and need to see her to re-charge once in awhile! Best thing I ever did for this issue in our marriage. My husband appreciates me staying home so much more! The first couple of years I would have to do major cleaning and fixing to get back on schedule but it was worth it! I still go see my mom..and it's no big deal! Good luck!

I'm with Grandma T on this one. Schedule a long weekend away with the girls. He'll get it then!

while I understand you are busy and he is too, what you are really looking for is what humans were designed for - community. Being able to turn to someone and say watch the baby, while you go out and hunt down dinner was a part of the original plan. so you are hunting dinner and so is your husband and you bothneed time off from that. make friends with someone who is willing to trade times with you so you can both have some down time. single babies usually work out for this and they don't have to be the same age. Just a regular supply of their favorite beverage needs to be on hand. : )

good luck,
M.

While I understand that you need a break, it sounds like your husband needs a break too. After working long hours for three days straight, I imagine he feels entitled to some time off as well, just as you are.
Maybe you can find a compromise, where he takes your daughter out for some good daddy time for 2 hours, giving you a complete break. Then he gets 2 hours and the rest of the time is family time.
As to the relying on you, I wonder how much you are unconsciously undermining his parenting confidence by making suggestions or explaining your daughter's behaviour. It's easy to do without noticing.

Leave the house for a couple of hours and do something different. You will feel better when you come back and be able to cope with everthing better. Yo ucould do a manicure, mall, library.

I can understand your need for "me" time. I am 4 months into my husband's yearlong deployment and I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, no family around, living far from a military base. When Dh was home, he wasn't the most hands-on dad and I was very resentful having to " do it all". Well, this has been my reality check. If he disappeared for a year, you'd find out that he does a lot more than you give him credit for! That said, I'm also learning how to be more self-sufficient and find other solutions that don't involve Dh. It could be something like inviting a teenage girl from the neighborhood over for an hour to play with your kiddo while you take a walk or a bath or whatever. It could be finding a gym that has daycare (not an option here unfortunately) or starting a co-op with another mom. You might just find that the less you nag him and more independent you are about finding solutions yourself, the more he'll step up! (I have yet to test this theory...I'll let you know in 8 month or so how it works!)
That said, I have my first trip away ALONE for a few days in YEARS to visit a friend coming up soon and my parents will be watching the kids for me.
"Me" time, when it is few and far between, will be even sweeter! But do try to enjoy these years...they do grow up way too fast and you'll have more "me" time than you care to have!