Funeral Services/viewing

N., My daughters were 5 & 7 when we took them to grandma's funeral. We took them in at the beginning, not a lot of people, etc... walked around talked, looked at pics and casket. Then I took them home to have a friend watch them while we did the rest of teh funeral thing. This gave them closer, but it was quick about a 1/2 hr. We set up babysitting arrangements for the rest of the viewing times and actaul fueral. I wasn't worried about them being good, etc.. I could give my full attention to my husband and his family. Worked out well, but I had started to have a plan in place. Good luck.

I've taken my children to funerals since they were very little. Death is a part of life and it always amazes me when I meet people who make it to adulthood without ever having experienced a funeral.

My kids were 5 and 3 when my grandmother died and we took the opportunity to explain death as a part of life, that gram had had a good and very long life. We touched her clothes and skin in the casket (her skin felt like paper, they noted), we pressed kisses onto our hands and then onto her, and we talked about how people look very different in caskets than they do in life. We explained how some people believe that there is a spirit that goes to heaven (we don't believe this but are always respectful of others' choices) and that they can always bring gram (or whoever else they love that passes away) back by remembering and telling stories.

My kids are teens now and are comfortable at funerals. We always give them the choice of going up to the casket or not (I don't think this part should ever be forced), and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. They've gone to funerals for friends' grandparents and walked up to the caskets with their arms around their friend, which makes me very proud to see them able to comfort others in a sad time.

Funerals are a great place to teach kids about compassion and caring for others.

This is a tough one for everyone, but especially children. When my FIL passed away a year ago, I took my son to the first three hours of the viewing only to be with my husband and show him support. (My son was 3 1/2 then.)
I just told him that PaPa had gone to heaven and didn't really let him near the casket, so he just spent time with other family and in the extra room they have open for kids. He did okay, but any longer would have been a problem as he was getting bored. He spent the other days at a sitter and did not attend the funeral. I thought that would be a bit much as they tend to be very emotional.
Hope that helps some. If you do take your son, maybe you could bring some books, coloring things, or other quiet games he might occupy the rest of his time with.
Im sorry that you are faced with this problem, I wish the best for your MIL and your family! :)

N.,
This is a very personal and delicate situation. It sepends on how well you know your child and the relationship he had with grandma.
My kids had a very close relationship with my grandfather, he passed away when they were 7 and 9 years old. And it was very difficult for me (not only was he my Hero but he was in many ways a father to me) as well as my boys. I took them to the viewing and to the funeral. They knew he had been sick for some time when he passed on, and I did my best to explain that the person in the casket was not great grandpa, that the person we loved so dearly was now in heaven with great grandma and will always be with us in our hearts and always looking down on us. I said I understood how this was not fair, but that this was a part of life, we all return home in the end, and that one day a long time from now we would all be with each other. The first day was the hardest, we all cried, and we all went up to the casket. I had my boys write a letter to him (so did I) and place it with him. That seemed to help.
My grandfather belonged to the Knights of Colombus, there were Guards there each day, and a changing of Guards at certain times, the boys realized what an important man their great grandfather was to not only us but to these men, the Church, family and other friends. And that we all grieved.
For months after, we would talk about him, and remember him and the moments we shared. I made sure to tell them that we were very lucky to have been part of his life. And that he and great grandma would not like to see us so sad, they would want us to be happy and go on with our lives. Its ok to remember and be sad sometimes.
Has your boy seen grandma in the hospital? Does he understand how ill she is? I guess this all comes down to what your beliefs are and how well you think you can handle this.
I am sorry for this pain your family is going through. Good luck.
God Bless
W.

It's a very personal decision. Unfortunately we've been to many funerals, I took our daughter along to every one. No body expected her to be quite the whole time. I took a purse full of little car toys she hadn't seen in a while, so they were as good as new. Paper and stickers, toy cars. And I didn't offer what was going on in the box, until asked. I would have if it had been her grandma however. Her great uncle just passed, the first person she was connected to as far as family passing. I told her it's part of nature. That I believe we go back to where we were before were here. Asked if she remembered where she was before she was born. I also explained it like electricity, the light doesn't stay in the light bulb when you turn it off. The energy goes out of the bulb, and back with the rest of the energy. My daughters almost 5, and has been asking questions about death since she was 4.
Umm I did tell her when she worried about grandmas passing, that they become her guardian angels. I told her some people might cry, I always do. Because we'll miss the person gone, but really they got to go to there first home.
Good Luck, it a tough one.
A. H

I recall going to my grandfathers funeral/ viewing when I was seven. It was rather traumatic for me and since then I almost refuse to go to any... (I had to be picked up by other family members not in attendance as I was a big mess!)

In my own opinion... If I were you, I would wait. Especially if your children have a close relationship with your mom-in-law. They can always learn about this stage of life at a later time... I am sure you can find a book at the local dealer to help them with this if anything should happen that is geared for their level and age.

I pray everything goes well and nothing awful happens! Well wishes!

My mother was seriously ill for years before passing away last year. My children were 9, 8 and 7 when she died. I had prepared them for this event well in advance. I talked about how sick Grandma was and we prayed for her but that she was in God's hand's and would someday have to live with Him. Her body would be left but the real her inside would never die. I don't know what you believe but I can tell you it's easier to talk to children about anything once your at peace with it.
Each child is different, you have to take your cues from them. Every 4 year old comprehends thing differently. I have three kids and each of them approached death differently. He may suprise you with his reaction. If he is having trouble with the illness part then you may want to keep him home. He may want to say good-bye too. Our funeral home had a room for the children to play in during the viewing if it is necessary to have him there. Your's may too.
My children still talk about Grandma on a daily basis, even after a year and a half. It's about how they miss her and all the good times she's having now, not being sick with God.
Whatever you decide concerning the viewing and funeral, you will still have to offer a reason for her absence. As hard as it is, with everything else going on right now, it's good that you're planning ahead. From experience I know how much that helped me and my children. I start talking to them at age 3 and 4 out of necessity due to my mothers illness.
I wish you all the peace and serenity possible during this diffucult time. I'm sure you will make the right choices. Praying for you. Contact me if you want to talk.

I took my 3 year old and 1 year old to the viewing of their great-grandmothers (unfortunately only 2 months apart). The 1 year old was too young to understand, but the 3 year old was not and definitely needed it. Before we went, I explained to him that Great-Grandma was no longer sick, but that God had stopped making her hurt and had taken her to live with the angels (you of course can explain it however you believe). And then I told him that when we were there, it was going to be the last time to say good-bye. When we got there, I took him to the coffin, we both talked to her and told her that we loved her, thank you for all that you did for us, etc. then we spent the next hour or so visiting with family. When we were getting ready to leave, we went back to the coffin, told her that we loved her again, said good-bye and blew her a kiss. When we got in the car, my son told me that Grandma fell asleep and that she isn't going to wake up and that she is going to live with the angels; he obviously understood what had just happened. We decided to go to the visitation and not the funeral with him because it was going to be a long time for him to sit still at the funeral and that was going to be time for me to say my good-byes, I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on him. Whatever you decide to do, I STRONGLY suggest that you do something with your son. He is going to need closure just as you and your husband will. His grandmother was a big part of his life and he's not going to understand what happened if she just disappears. Good luck!

Unfortunately, I've been to more than a few funerals since I had my first kid, and she's been to quite a few. My second is only 19 months, but he's already been to one grandpa's funeral. They stayed the whole time and played with their older cousins. My father in law was in a nursing home for a long time and had alzhiemers, so when he went, it was a blessing for the family, and was a long over due opportunity to commemorate his life and enjoy the large blended family that resulted in this being his and my mother in law's 2nd marriage. The funerals my 5 year old has been to were a chance for her to learn about death in a natural way with family around, so she can see that it's a part of life and life still keeps going for the family even after we say goodbye to someone.
For your son, this will be a significant milestone that will illustrate the concept of life and death. It could be very rewarding and positive for your son, but it may be a time of unease for him that you'll need to guide him through. He might feel scared and ask questions about who dies and why, but this is a teachable moment that will answer a lot of questions all at once. And it gives people who are mourning a sense of hope and eternal love to see children, it really does heal and bring smiles to the most broken faces. Recognizing someone passing on is a community experience. It's a time for togetherness and comfort, and that includes all members of a community.
Another concept that can aide in reassuring little ones is that every day there are new babies being born, just as there are elders dying.
Also, most funeral homes have a room for children to play or adults to talk, so if there's a rotation of adults or older kids there to supervise, you could have him spend most of the time in there. have him pack a backpack with coloring books and small toys so he has something familiar that he can do.
As for the baby, she will just think of it as another family gathering, and it will bring joy to the occasion that is welcomed especially when older folks die that we were ready to say goodbye to. It's another thing to consider when it's a tragic loss like a child, or young parent. That would be pretty scary for a little one, as it would be intensely emotional and harder for them to understand.
But the key is, to present death as something that we have to accept in life and that it's okay for everyone to feel sad for a while and everyone always feels better in the end.
Good luck with this important subject between you and your son, and hopefully this won't have to happen soon. I wish your loved one a peaceful ending to her life, and hope that your family will find comfort in the end of her suffering, as she passes on.

personally, I would leave the kids out of everything. why do they need to go? what is your reasoning? let the 4 year old have nice memories. my kids went to their grandma's funeral at age 8 and 10, and it was very hard on them. I didn't go to my first funeral until I was in 7th grade. have you seen young children at funerals? Not too many, I bet. K.

My daughter is almost 7 and we had a close, family friend pass away this winter. She was very upset and we chose not to take her to the viewing or funeral. Embalmed bodies look very different and I didn't want her to be frightened at all. I really don't think that a child that young can comprehend how a person can die, but be "right there." This was confirmed when the hamster died (No, I am not comparing a human to a hamster. :) I explained to the kids that Hannah had died and gone to Heaven. My oldest insisted on seeing her and I thought that seeing a pet would ease us into the whole idea of death. They went out to the garage where I had put the cage and they said, "She's not in Heaven. She's right there!!"

I also think that it is important for children to understand the process of death and dying at some point, but not at 4. When our friend died, the school social worker gave us a book called "When dinosaurs die." I can't remember the author right now, but I would introduce death a little more gently. I would keep him home from the viewing and MAYBE take him to the closed casket funeral.

I hope grandma's health improves.